I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football, and as you can see I'm being assisted this week by a young lady in a very tasteful hat. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Glen Coffee, RB for the Alabama Crimson Tide. This could just as easily go to the Alabama offensive line but when you are as big as those guys are you don’t need bravery. Everyone told Bama (including me) that they would not run the ball on Georgia, but guess what we were all wrong. Ingram and Upchurch both had TDs and Coffee had 2 with almost 90 yards. The Georgia defense was good, the Alabama running game was better.
“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Florida Gators. If the Gators had watched what happened to USC they might have seen this coming. The Gators and fumbled three times, had a PAT blocked, and Superman Tebow failed to get a 4th and 1. Urban might should have gone for the field goal, maybe he had no confidence in his kicker. Guess who is leading the East right now, VANDY!
“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
USC Trojans. Not to be a jerk Trojan fans, but hahahahahahahahaha! I understood the Stanford game last year. You outplayed Stanford, but due to some costly turnovers you lost, but Oregon State just plain whooped you. How you let a 5’6 RB gut you for over 100 yards is beyond me. The hate caught up with mighty USC at last.
“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Tar Heels pick off Miami QB to keep win. Not being satisfied with an interception earlier in the game, Trimane Goddard picked off Miami QB Robert Marve in the Miami end zone by taking the ball out of the hands of Miami WR Kayne Farquharson. A TD would have won the game for the Hurricanes. In the end Farquharson ended up holding air, and the Tar Heels held the victory.
“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Texas bombs the Arkansas Razorbacks. After getting demolished by Alabama the razorbacks probably didn’t think it could get any worse, wrong again. Colt McCoy and company slaughtered the hogs. McCoy threw for three TDs and also ran for 2 more. Texas is officially a contender in the Big 12 and Arkansas is perhaps the worst team in the SEC.
“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Phillip Fulmer, Head Coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. It’s a very dark time for the Volunteer nation. After bitter loses to Florida, UCLA, and now Auburn, times could not be tougher for Rocky Top. A lot of their problems have to start with the head coach. It’s probably not an exaggeration that Fulmer is getting death threats. The offense is terrible, the QB is worse (see next award), and the defense is not great. It’s time for Phillip Fulmer to call it a career.
“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Jonathan Crompton, QB for the Tennessee Volunteers. Jonathan Crompton may be the worst starting QB on a BCS team. Against Auburn he went 8 of 23 with 67 yards and no TDs. Playing against a very, very poor Auburn offense, Crompton could have led his team to a much needed win. Crompton did little more than a retarded monkey could do against a very sharp Auburn defense as he fumbled and gave Auburn a free TD, which accounted for half of Auburn’s points.
“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Jimmy Clausen, QB for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. This was Clausen’s best game as an Irish that I’ve seen so far. Heralded as a quarterback “wunderkind”, Clausen has done little before this game to prove he has a golden arm. But against a very decent Purdue team, Clausen connected 20 of 35 for 275 yards and three TDs. But the reason he gets my award, ready for this, 0 interceptions!
“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Washington State Cougars. A drubbing by Oregon State, a killing by Baylor, and an absolute slaughter by California is how the Cougars started their season. What happened this week? A 63-14 smack down by the Oregon Ducks. In their four losses the Cougars have been beaten 213-47. Not a great start for the Paul Wulff era.
“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Penn State Nittany Lions. Well the “blackout” failed against Bama this weekend, but Penn State’s “whiteout” worked just fine. Joe Pa has his Penn State team looking very sharp behind the great QB play of Daryll Clark. Penn State looked like a NC contender to me as they handled the Fighting Illini at home. Lookout Sooners, Tide, Mizzou, and LSU the Nittany Lions just proved that the Big 10 may have something to say about the NC picture after all.
Also if you were wondering why I maybe did not pick Bama as the team of the week or Colt McCoy as my “Voltron Award” winner, I am trying to keep it so the same team or player does not win any award more than once. Thanks and Roll Tide!
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