Week 4 Wrap Up: Featuring the Coors Light Knight

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Javon Ringer, RB for the Michigan State Spartans. He puts up 200 yards in the Notre Dame game this weekend and he is the center that holds together this team. By the way he’s as short as Gary Coleman and a hell of a lot classier. Nice job brining your o-line at your press conference. Ok so he’s only 5’8 and that’s really not that short, but for a running back with power like him it’s pretty damn small.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Florida State Seminoles. This was the year it would be different. The past two years of turnovers and embarrassing losses to Wake Forest was done. The Noles would avenge their past losses. The defense showed up, but the cocky Noles offense looked as inept as ever. Florida State turned the ball over 7 times which includes 5 picks. Don’t worry Noles fans, there’s always next year, and the next year, and the next year, and the next year . . .

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Auburn Tigers. Believe it or not this does not come from my hate of Auburn. Auburn fans you’ve always wanted to be a national player and guess what, you are. You are an elite program, but with elite status comes a lot of hate. I think this year you were 12 or 13 on the worst hated teams list. Don’t worry Alabama was the 8th most hated team. You played a good game against LSU, but the hate always catches up with you eventually.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
NC State makes Pickney fumble in OT. In week 1 it was the Pirates who had a miracle play, this week they were on the wrong end of one. NC State shattered ESU’s slim BCS dreams like just like reality shattered my dreams of being an astronaut/super hero. In all fairness there was no way for Pickney to see the defender coming as he was tackled from behind. I bet Skip Holtz wishes he would have kicked that field goal now instead of failing on a 4th down TD run.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Texas Tech shells UMass. The Red Raiders have played 2 AA teams and two very crappy division I teams, and then they complain they don’t get any respect. In what is quite possibly the easiest out of conference schedule in the country Texas Tech once again proved they can beat the crap out of team that they should easily beat the crap out of.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Bill Stewart, Head Coach of the West Virginia Mountaineers. There was over forty seconds left, the game was tied, and Pat White was driving down the Colorado field. They ran a play that didn’t work and as the clock ran Stewart looked a senile old man who had wondered onto the field and put a headset on. Finally after he had lost 30 seconds he called time out, time for one play which went nowhere. OT ensued and the Mountaineers were beat. Stewart I knew you would ruin the WV program, but this is way ahead of schedule.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Matt Grothe, QB for South Florida Bulls. What ranked team in God’s green earth plays Florida International 17-9? What team period plays FIU to 17-9? USF allowed nine points in the final three minutes of the game. To guarantee a win USF had to recover an onside kick. The offense was pathetic, Matt Grothe passed for 170 yards with no TDs. The offense, with four senior offensive linemen failed to get eight inches on a QB sneak. If they play like this against their Big East competition the Bulls can forget about winning the Big East. Hell Syracuse could have beaten them this week, and I can’t give any worse criticism than that.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Colt McCoy, QB for the Texas Longhorns. 329 yards and 4 TDs against a very reasonable Rice team really speaks to me about Colt McCoy. I’m not sure what that something is because I don’t know much about Colt McCoy, but I can tell you he is damn tough. While rushing for the end zone he was met by two Rice defenders and calmly bulldozed his way through them for the TD. Damn Tex didn’t know you had any Vince Young in you, except for that one night you two were experimenting.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Southern Methodist Mustangs. SMU used to be a powerhouse football school before they were slapped with the “Death Penalty” by the NCAA. They took their first step into leaving behind their losing ways by hiring Coach June Jones from Hawaii fresh from his Sugar Bowl appearance. It ain’t going great. As usual the Mustangs just can’t win as they have been blown out by Rice, Texas Tech, and TCU. I’d love to tell SMU to concentrate on what they are doing right, but they aren’t doing anything right so . . .

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Vanderbilt Commodores. Vandy is 4-0. Vandy is 2-0 in the SEC. Vandy is #21 in the AP poll. That’s right I’m total tripping balls on acid right now, but what I am typing is not a hallucination it’s very real. Not only is Vandy on a roll they several winnable games left against Duke, Kentucky, Mississippi State, and Tennessee (that’s right Fatty Fulmer). Seven or eight wins and a bowl appearance would be phenomenal for a team predicted to win 0 games by CFN sports. Go Dores!