Five for Friday

Welcome to the predictions for the five most interesting games of the week, as decided by this site’s dictator (me). Last week’s picks didn’t work out too well, as damn near everyone in the top ten decided to try and put a prize winning cucumber down their throats and choked. Without any ado, here we go:

Florida is going to vent some post-upset frustration by murdering this year’s Vanderbilt substitute, Arkansas. This game isn’t going to be interesting in that “I wonder who is going to win” kind of way, but moreso in that “I wonder if that guy is dead after that hit” kind of way. The Razorbacks’ defense is somehow ranked 65th overall in the country, and yet every week seems to give up 35+ points. I’m guessing their first two games had something to do with that stat, because Alabama and Texas both rang up numbers like an out of control frat boy’s bar tab. Florida is mad because they lost to Ole Miss, and noone really likes to lose to Houston Nutt. Teams who lose to Ole Miss will now be referenced as having been “Nutted”.

Auburn should destroy Vanderbilt on paper, unless their offense continues to play the way that they have the entire year. Who would have ever thought that ESPN College Gameday would ever be at Vandy? Auburn comes in with a top ten defense, and a bottom twenty offense. The only plus is that Commodores’ offense is actually worse than the Tigers’. That, and Vandy is statistically last in the SEC on both offense and defense. Wait, how in God’s name is Vandy leading the SEC east again?

USC is going to struggle with Oregon like a beaten wife in a bad lifetime movie, but should ultimately win the game. USC is probably coming off of the most embarrassing loss in the past decade, being beaten heads up last week by a midget and Oregon State, while Oregon is hoping to not lose their fifth string quarterback (AKA their backup kicker) to injury like they did with the first four guys. Look for USC to get angry and make stupid mistakes, and then look for Oregon to fail to exploit the holes in the Trojan defense revealed by Oregon State.

Wisconsin is going to expedite Slowhio State’s decline from media darling to pathetic mid-tier Big Ten team. And given how bad the Big Ten is this year, that’s saying something. Meanwhile, the Badgers (Badgers? We don’t need no stinking Badgers!) are looking to recover from last weeks embarrassing, sad, pathetic fourth quarter loss to Michigan *snicker*. And yet, I pick the Badgers to win? That would mean that I’m saying that the Suckeyes are worse than Michigan. Here’s your cookie, good sir.

Duke is going to be rockin in Georgia Tech’s free world. Look at that, first Vandy is regarded as one half of one of the week’s best games, and then Duke gets written about for something other than basketball. I’m on the lookout for the other five signs of the apocalypse to follow soon. The Blue Devils and the Yellow Jackets are fairly evenly matched on both offense and defense, with Georgia Tech having a slight edge in both categories. Fun fact, at 3-1, the Blue Devils currently have more wins than they had in the last three seasons combined. The Yellow Jackets will be mocked (more) mercilessly if they lose this game.