Five for Friday

Welcome to Five for Friday, where we pick what we consider to be the five most interesting games for the week, and then make an uneducated guess as to which team is going to win. We're usually wrong, so it's best to use these as a "bet against" guide. Enjoy!

Texas Tech is going to fly the friendly skies all over Texas. I think that Texas Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp is God’s gift to defensive coordinators, but we need to be honest with each other here: Texas Tech’s offense is just plain nasty good. The Red Raider’s QB Graham Harrell has thrown for 3100+ yards and 28 touchdowns with only 5 interceptions in eight games. And he did this against actual opponents, not on an xbox or the practice field. That is just un-freaking-believable. The Longhorn’s weak point in this game is their 112th ranked pass defense going up against the Red Raider’s 1st ranked pass offense. Look for Muschamp to throw some new defensive kinks at Mike Leach’s vaunted spread offense, particularly regarding blitz packages that Tech’s strong offensive line haven’t seen so far this year. Heisman front runner Colt McCoy will do a more than passable job at keeping the Longhorns in the game, leading a balanced offense to try and exploit the Red Raider’s weakest defensive point, their secondary. For me, this game comes down to the fact that if Tech can stop Texas on two drives, they will win the game.

Florida is going to give Georgia a hangover at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Georgia QB Matt Stafford has 12 TDs with only 5 interceptions, and RB Knowshon Moreno has almost 1,000 yards rushing and 12 TDs, while Florida has a huge chip on their collective shoulders from last year’s loss to Georgia, and a baby rhinoceros named Tim Tebow. The aforementioned Tebow also has 12 TDs but with a paltry 2 interceptions on the year. Florida doesn’t have a single back to match Moreno, but they do have a committee of rushers, including Jeffrey Demps, Chris Rainey, and reformed FB Tim Tebow. The real story of this game is a Florida team who wants revenge for a celebration at the beginning of last year’s game that galvanized the Bulldogs to a victory. The key to this game is going to be the Gator’s passing attack, as they try to exploit the Bulldog’s 79th ranked pass defense. I have a feeling that Georgia might want to go ahead and put on those mourning jerseys again for this one.

Florida State thrusts a Flaming Spear into Georgia Tech’s Heart. With all the talk about Penn State and Joe Pa, has anyone noticed Florida State is the highest ranked ACC team and has only one loss. With Maryland on bye this week Florida State could take full control of the Atlantic Division with a win over the Yellow Jackets. Georgia Tech’s offense has been extremely anemic, as Josh Nesbitt still has trouble moving the ball down the field. Don’t look for a lot of points with the 3rd(FSU) and 11th(GT) best defenses in the country going head to head. If the Noles win it will be them and Maryland leading the ACC pack. When they play each other in a few weeks the unthinkable may happen. College Gameday for an ACC game!

West Virginia stops Connecticut RB monster, Donald Brown. If you think Florida vs. Georgia is the unofficial game for the SEC East, then this is the unofficial Big East Championship. West Virginia (#1 in the Big East) will try to stop Connecticut’s (#2 in the Big East) running game. Leading this powerful rushing attack is Husky RB Donald Brown, a Heisman caliber back who has already compiled 1324 yards and 14 TDs. Connecticut will try their best to stop a revitalized Pat White who moved the ball up and down the field against a good Auburn defense. Whoever wins this game still has to play Pitt and South Florida. I like the Mountaineers to take a two score lead in the third quarter and never look back.

Arkansas is going to go all “Katrina” on Tulsa. It’s funny because Tulsa’s mascot is the Golden Hurricane. Wait? That’s not funny? Oh well. Sure, Tulsa is ranked 19th, and sure, statistically speaking they have the number 1 offense in the country, averaging a hair over 600 yards per game. The Razorbacks have something far more intimidating on their side: The crushing weight of history. The Golden Hurricane (you aren’t supposed to pluralize that I’ve been told) haven’t won against the Razorbacks since 1976. Let me put this in a little more context for you: Tulsa hasn’t won against this team since the Ford administration. Since the Bee Gees were cool, George Lucas was filming the first Star Wars, and Eric Clapton was still doing massive amounts of cocaine and heroin. What I’m trying to say is that it’s been a while. Look for Bobby Petrino to finally be able to hang his hat on a “quality” win this year as the Razorbacks fall bass ackwards into a victory over poor, snakebit Tulsa.

Six for Saturday

Since Drew took my weekly wrap up, I took his five for Friday, and made it better with six for Saturday! I did reuse the same picture from last week, because at least two of these girls are super hot, and Kirky like lingerie.

Georgia will beat down a Vandy team between the Hedges. Georgia is happy as can be now that several of the unbeaten teams in America have been knocked off. Vandy is reeling from a spirit killing loss to a terrible Mississippi State team. Look for Georgia to try and make a big statement win by slaughtering Vandy while they are still ranked. Georgia’s offense matches up decently with Vanderbilt’s defense and should be able to move the ball on them. Look for A.J. Green to fly around the field. A better matchup is a good Georgia defense against a poor Vandy offense. The “Revenge of the Nerds” kick is over Vandy, welcome back to being the SEC doormat.

Oklahoma avenges loss to Horns and stomps on Jayhawks. Kansas lost to South Florida and had to come back and beat Iowa State in the last minutes of the game. Oklahoma is seeing red after they got beat in the Red River SHOOTOUT! (I won’t be PC and say rivalry). Florida lost a game and beat up an unprepared LSU team, look for the same thing from the Sooners. The Oklahoma defense will limit Reesing, and Bradford will pad his already impressive Heisman resume. Hey, Texas won the game but did anyone notice Bradford had 5 TD throws. I’m just saying.

Alabama has a squeak of a win against Ole Miss. In what should be a good game (sigh) Ole Miss will move the ball through the air and Bama on the ground. John Parker Wilson will look not great and will probably be picked off in the first half. At half time Bama will be down (yes I call that). Look for them to come back in the late 3rd and put the game away in the 4th quarter. A lot of Ole Miss/Bama games come down to the last play. Also did you know Houston Nutt’s offense is called “The Wild Rebel?” At Arkansas he had one called “The Wild Hog” what are the odds?

Michigan State upsets the Buckeyes and gives them 2nd loss. Call me a lunatic if you want (that’s what my shrink calls me) but when the Spartans beat the Buckeyes on Saturday, then who will be laughing Dr. Robert Hollingsworth? I like the Spartans win over a decent Northwestern team, and I think at home they pull an upset. I see a couple turnovers, and even though Beanie Wells has a good day, I think Javon Ringer has a better one. Look for this game to come down to the wire, with Michigan State edging it out late in the 4th quarter. If Ohio State wins I might honestly say that they are a good team again.

LSU punches South Carolina and Spurrier in the face. The Hat got humiliated; he got outplayed, out called, and out gunned. The Hat and his LSU tigers are looking to blow off some steam after a blowout loss to Florida. They will come in South Carolina’s stadium with bruised egos. Look for RB Darrell Scott to have a huge day and run the ball consistently against the Gamecocks. Whether Smelly or Garcia plays, the LSU defense will tighten up and not allow many South Carolina points. Nothing would make me happier then to see LSU get beat, but it ain’t going to happen.

Texas beats Missouri by a single touchdown. You might think the smart money is with Missouri, thinking Texas might have a letdown after their enormous win, but I don’t think so. I think we have another huge offensive struggle on our hands, and the team to have the ball last will probably be the team to win. Daniels and Jeremy Maclin should have success in the air against a bad Texas secondary, but not enough to pull away from Texas who will also score on every drive. The punters for each team should probably bring their Nintendo DSs to the stadium (oh they have them all right) because they will not do much. I like Texas in this shootout.

Six for Friday

After a very busy week for this site’s negligent editor (me), We’re back with Dammit Herring’s picks for the six most interesting games of the week. We have one more pick than usual for two reasons: One, there are a lot of great games this weekend, and Two, This picture had six hot girls in it, and I wanted to run with it. Without any ado whatsoever:

Wake Forest is going to continue the ruination of Tommy Bowden’s coaching legacy. What is it with the Bowden clan these days? Bobby is a shade of his former self, Terry is still a pariah, and Tommy is lobbying for the picture spot in the encyclopedia next to the definition of “wasted potential”. Clemson was supposed to have a good team this year, but so was Auburn, so take that out of your rationale on this one. The Demon Deacons continue to roll through the ACC, and have screwed me every single time I’ve gone against them in the last two years. Hence, I’m going with Wake.
Editors note: I realize this was played last night, but my prediction was written on Wednesday, so just bask in my foresight.

Texas is going to give Alabama a hand in the polls by beating Oklahoma (where the wind blows gently down the plains!). The Longhorn’s Defensive coordinator Will Muschamp is hoping to earn his keep and show why coach Mac Brown hired him away from Auburn last year. If Texas beats Oklahoma, look for Alabama to jump into the #1 spot. Who would have ever thought that in a roundabout way, someone from Auburn would ever help Alabama out in the polls? Sam Bradford and the Sooners offense have been stellar this year, but have not yet been tested by a defense of Texas’ caliber, or by a defensive coordinator as wiley as Muschamp (who is still beloved by this site and the Auburn nation). Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy is playing better every game, and seems to be making solid decisions in clutch situations. Look for McCoy to come out on top in a quarterback duel with Bradford, and look for Texas’ secondary to be the difference maker in this close game.

An undefeated Vanderbilt (Editor’s note: really?!?!) is going to drive Mississippi State on down the road to Sylvester Croome’s eventual firing. Vandy is leading the SEC East (again… total disbelief here) despite being just shy of terrible on both offense and defense. Look for a beaten down Bulldog offense to make several turnovers, and for the Commodores to capitalize on them with serious points like they have done all year. Look for Vanderbilt’s backup quarterback, Tom Brady, to continue his meteoric rise to fame after last week’s incredible showing during the Auburn game.

I hate to say this, but LSU is going to hand Florida another loss in the Swamp. I think Les Miles is intellectually just shy of a ten year old playing NCAA 09 on the xbox when I look at his play calling, and I hate that he is continually rewarded for stupid decisions by getting lucky breaks time and again. Look for a great Tiger defense to stifle the Gators’ running game and forcing quarterback Tim Tebow to throw the ball. Look for Urban Meyer to vomit on the sidelines in disgust as Les Miles calls a successful hail mary touchdown pass to the kicker on 4th and 37 with 3 seconds left on the clock.

Missouri is going loooooooooooooooooong on Oklahoma State. The Tigers haven’t been challenged yet this season, but it should be interesting to see how their 15th ranked rushing defense squares off against the Cowboys’ 2nd ranked rushing offense. Oh yeah, and Missouri has some kind named Daniels at quarterback who can throw the ball pretty good. He was in the running for something called a “Hiseman” last year, whatever that means. Oklahoma State should provide a solid challenge for Missouri, but look for the Tigers to roll over them on their way to losing another far less prestigious game later in the season to ruin their National Championship hopes.

Penn State is going to continue their journey to be college football’s equivalent of “the world’s smartest retard” as Big Ten champion with a victory over Wisconsin. The Nittany Lions come into this game with the Big Ten’s most explosive offensive (must… resist… easy… joke…) and more than a few memories of a sad loss to the Badgers the last time they played at Camp Randall Stadium. Meanwhile, pre-season Big Ten favorite Wisconsin is desperately trying to avoid their first 0 – 3 start since 2000. I have a feeling the Nittany Lions are going to maul zee Badgers. Get it? Maul? Like a Lion mauls things? No? Okay then…

Five for Friday

Welcome to the predictions for the five most interesting games of the week, as decided by this site’s dictator (me). Last week’s picks didn’t work out too well, as damn near everyone in the top ten decided to try and put a prize winning cucumber down their throats and choked. Without any ado, here we go:

Florida is going to vent some post-upset frustration by murdering this year’s Vanderbilt substitute, Arkansas. This game isn’t going to be interesting in that “I wonder who is going to win” kind of way, but moreso in that “I wonder if that guy is dead after that hit” kind of way. The Razorbacks’ defense is somehow ranked 65th overall in the country, and yet every week seems to give up 35+ points. I’m guessing their first two games had something to do with that stat, because Alabama and Texas both rang up numbers like an out of control frat boy’s bar tab. Florida is mad because they lost to Ole Miss, and noone really likes to lose to Houston Nutt. Teams who lose to Ole Miss will now be referenced as having been “Nutted”.

Auburn should destroy Vanderbilt on paper, unless their offense continues to play the way that they have the entire year. Who would have ever thought that ESPN College Gameday would ever be at Vandy? Auburn comes in with a top ten defense, and a bottom twenty offense. The only plus is that Commodores’ offense is actually worse than the Tigers’. That, and Vandy is statistically last in the SEC on both offense and defense. Wait, how in God’s name is Vandy leading the SEC east again?

USC is going to struggle with Oregon like a beaten wife in a bad lifetime movie, but should ultimately win the game. USC is probably coming off of the most embarrassing loss in the past decade, being beaten heads up last week by a midget and Oregon State, while Oregon is hoping to not lose their fifth string quarterback (AKA their backup kicker) to injury like they did with the first four guys. Look for USC to get angry and make stupid mistakes, and then look for Oregon to fail to exploit the holes in the Trojan defense revealed by Oregon State.

Wisconsin is going to expedite Slowhio State’s decline from media darling to pathetic mid-tier Big Ten team. And given how bad the Big Ten is this year, that’s saying something. Meanwhile, the Badgers (Badgers? We don’t need no stinking Badgers!) are looking to recover from last weeks embarrassing, sad, pathetic fourth quarter loss to Michigan *snicker*. And yet, I pick the Badgers to win? That would mean that I’m saying that the Suckeyes are worse than Michigan. Here’s your cookie, good sir.

Duke is going to be rockin in Georgia Tech’s free world. Look at that, first Vandy is regarded as one half of one of the week’s best games, and then Duke gets written about for something other than basketball. I’m on the lookout for the other five signs of the apocalypse to follow soon. The Blue Devils and the Yellow Jackets are fairly evenly matched on both offense and defense, with Georgia Tech having a slight edge in both categories. Fun fact, at 3-1, the Blue Devils currently have more wins than they had in the last three seasons combined. The Yellow Jackets will be mocked (more) mercilessly if they lose this game.

Five for Friday

Partaaaaaaaay!

After last week’s picks turned out to be entirely 100% correct (ed. note: WOOOOOHOOOO!), I’m back with the picks for the 5 most interesting games of week 5, as determined by the Dammit Herring staff. This week is probably going to be full of entirely correct predictions as well, so go ahead and call your bookies, and pay me 10-12% of your winnings on Sunday.

Penn State is going to have to deal with some real estate ownership issues with Illinois. But they’re still going to win the game, because Ron Zook (porno name alert) is still the same Ron Zook that tanked Florida earlier this century. Look for Illini QB Juice Williams to cause some serious trouble for the Nittany Lions defense, and look for the 111th ranked Illini defense to do little to stop whatever Penn State throws at them offensively.

Colorado is going to take up where Wake Forest left off last week, and push Bobby Bowden’s legacy into the septic tank. Dan Hawkins has managed to put together a very tolerable Colorado squad, with his “What’s nepotism got to do with it?” attitude toward quarterback selection, and a defense that is currently in the top 40 in the nation. Meanwhile, Bowden continues to stand on the sidelines during games with no headset on, having no interaction with his players or coaches, and wondering where he is. This sad display of senility seeking to preserve a legacy leaves pseudo-coach Jimbo Fischer hamstrung with an ineffective offense and very little means to recruit for coming years.

Auburn is going to destroy Phillip Fulmer’s last shred of dignity and possibly a half carton of Milk Duds in a route over Tennessee. Look for a sputtering Tigers offense to catch just enough times to hang twenty-something points on Tennessee’s “meh” defense, while a stellar Auburn defense will suffocate Vols QB Jonathon Crompton and hold their rushing game to something around nil. Look for Phillip Fulmer to devour the spilled Milk Duds, Cupcakes, and any small children that come within reach.

Georgia is going to beat Alabama, but probably not by much more than a single TD. The Crimson Tide come into this game with a first string on both sides of the ball that should be able to hold fairly well with anyone in the SEC, but they are hampered by a lack of depth. Meanwhile, the Bulldogs will face their second strong SEC test, and the first one that isn’t named Spurrier. Oh, and Georgia decided to wear their black ensembles for this shindig, which marks the third time ever that they’ve done this. Considering what happened to Auburn last year when they wore those uniforms, Bama might want to go ahead and take the over on the points spread.

Nebraska is going to take Virginia Tech into a corn field and show them some good ‘ol country boy lovin. Is this game going to show that the 3 – 0 cornhuskers are back in the driver’s seat of the tractor, or will this be simply another disappointment in a long line of disappointments? Probably a little of column A and a little of column B. The Cornhusker nation (is that what we’re calling them?) has high hopes for Bo Pellini, and Nebraska’s offense has been unusually productive against the first three cupcakes that they played against. (We interrupt this article with a message from Phil Fulmer: “Did someone say cupcakes?!?”) Look for Frank Beamer’s Hokies to pull some randomly surprising plays, but to lose in the end because, frankly, they just aren’t that good.

Five for Friday

It’s Friday again. And you know what that means: More useless and probably incorrect predictions from yours truly. To give you some background on my pedigree in this arena, I’m currently sitting in dead last in our ten game a week college football picks league. I’m pretty qualified to be doing this.

Boise State will crush Oregon’s injury drained spirits for the season. The Broncos are sitting on a fairly decent team this year with their rushing attack headed up by the eternally enrolled Ian Johnson. Meanwhile, the Ducks’ quarterback woes continue with fourth string QB Justin Roper out 2 to 4 weeks with a partial MCL tear. Is there something in the water up there? It seems like Oregon loses a player or two every week. Look for the Broncos to use an abundance of trickeration and first string players to seal the win.

Wake Forest will do their part to accelerate Bobby Bowden’s decline into absolute irrelevance by beating Florida State at home. To be honest, I think that when the odds makers favor the lower ranked home team over the higher ranked visitor (Wake is AP #18, FS is AP #24), they are just setting the home team up for the “upset”. Except we all know it isn’t an upset, because the higher ranked team wins. What I’m really trying to say here is that Bowden died in ’97 and was replace by an incompetent robot, and Drew Weatherford is a nice guy who just can’t seem to catch a break. The Demon Deacons are taking this one home, and I’m not just saying that because my father-in-law is a pastor.

Florida is going to help Tennessee volunteer to lose. See what I did there? Sure, there are concerns about the Gators’ defense, particularly the secondary, but those are easily mitigated by the Volunteers’ anemic offense, with Crompton having 2 TDs and 3 picks so far. But wait, didn’t Tennessee hang 35 points on UAB? Oh, I’m sorry… I forgot I was talking about UAB. Forget that last point. With Percy Harvin returning recovered from a heel injury and 30 lbs of muscle heavier, look for the Florida running game to get a much needed shot of juice. Tennessee’s defense is going to pose some problems for the Gators, especially in their running game, and playing at what looks like a garbage worker convention won’t help either. Look for Florida to take control by the second half, right around the time Tennessee self destructs in front of the home crowd.

Alabama is going to make Arkansas squeal like a pig. Y’know, because they have a pretty (metaphorical) mouth. Saban’s squad is looking much better than last year, and that much vaunted freshman class is proving to be almost as good as advertised. Jessica Parker Wilson hasn’t screwed up nearly as much as she usually does, and looks to be supported by a solid running game (hello Mark Ingram!), instead of having the whole weight of the offense placed on her shoulders. Meanwhile, Arkansas has… well they’ve got a good… no, that’s not really true… but they do… nevermind… they have Casey Dick. That’s it. They’re fucked. Look for this to be a bloodbath.

Georgia is flying out west to see the grand canyon, and while they’re there, they’ll probably destroy Arizona State. Let’s see, Georgia is the #3 ranked team in the country who laid an egg last week against South Carolina and barely squeaked by with a last minute interception, while Arizona State just lost to UNLV. Hmmm… which one to choose? Maybe I should flip a coin? Oh wait, this coin just has the word “Georgia” written on both sides. Well there you go. Look for the Sun Devils to “get up” for this game and play well the first five minutes, until the crushing memories of a last minute loss to UNLV send them into an Ohio State-like tailspin of self destruction, facilitated by the Bulldogs’ messiah, Knowshon Moreno.

Five for Friday

Amen brother. Amen.

Welcome to Dammit Herring’s choice for the five most interesting games of this weekend, and the (uninformed) predictions of their outcomes. As the Cajuns say, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnjoooooiiiiiii!”

Fresno State will cut zee cheese in a rout of Wisconsin. Last week the Badgers proved that they had a passing game with QB Allan Evridge throwing for 308 yards and a single TD… against Marshall. So maybe they didn’t really prove much. Meanwhile, the Bulldogs are coming off a big first game win against Rutgers (somewhat tarnished by UNC’s thrashing of the Scarlett Knights last night), and are showing a defense that is much improved over last year. Look for Fresno State to test Wisconsin’s secondary early and often.

Michigan will add insult to Notre Dame’s priest-based injury with a sound bottom smacking. This game is only interesting because of the intense level of suck that will be present on the field on Saturday. Who can screw up the most, the fastest? Will the Clausen kid have a new, even more douche haircut? Will Rich Rodriguez have an ironic “I should have coached Alabama” shirt on? How many cupcakes can Charlie Weis fit in his mouth and still be able to say “Chubby Bunny”? Inquiring minds need to know.

South Florida will prove that they aren’t just a one-hit wonder against Kansas. This prediction is entirely based on the theory that within the first four games of the season, some team who is better than the Bulls have to be “Grothe-ed”. Mark Mangino’s Jayhawks have dispatched two fierce foes already (FIU and La Tech), but now they have to contend with the second best team in Florida, and the doubts as to whether a basketball school can win a few football games two years in a row.

Auburn will get some sweet payback against Mississippi State. After getting beaten last year due to multiple turnovers and a Miss. St. offense who wouldn’t give up, the Tigers are going to go wild on that Bulldog ass. A stellar Auburn defense will pay Dixon back in rape dollars, while an off and on offense should be able to put up enough points to cover the spread. This is all subject to Tony Franklin re-thinking his “fumble the first two drives in the red zone” strategy from the Southern Miss game last week. I know that Alabama residents say this all the time, but seriously, “Thank God for Mississippi!”

Southern Cal is going to break a top tier running back’s foot off in Ohio State’s ass, and then replace it with an expensive robot foot. Some people are saying that after the Suckeyes’ lackluster performance last week against Ohio, they are going to bounce back against the Trojans. These people are idiots and represent a living affront to reason. Ohio State’s defense will struggle to contain a multidimensional USC offense, while the Buckeyes’ offense will be slightly less threatening with the probable benching of RB Beanie Wells. Look for this one to be a laid back bloodbath.

Five for Friday

Click on the picture for a larger version that you can save and give to your friends

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the greatest schedule in the history of college football. This schedule is not great for the content held within, but for the ingenious presentation. I hope that every single Division I NCAA school follows suit. Hell, I hope every Division II school follows suit. I would have a much better idea of who was playing who if that happened. This lovely find courtesy of Poon of the SEC

Now, with no ado, here are the picks for the five most interesting match ups of the week, as determined by a panel of experts entirely devoid of expertise:

Boston College will have a wicked huge hahd ahn for Georgia Tech. After this weekend, only one of the two undefeated teams in the ACC will retain that distinction. Is the ACC the new Big Ten? Only time will tell on that one. On paper, BC should be able to handle the Yellow Jackets, as they have returned a very solid front four on offense. Ga Tech may be able to put up quite a fight here, as Paul Johnson and his option offense will give the Eagles a few looks that they may not have seen… since high school.

Auburn will make Southern Miss. squeal like a pig. Hey, if we’re going to be referred to as rednecks down on the farm (note to Alabama fans: Pot, meet Kettle), we might as well embrace it. Besides the fact that they have pretty mouths, the Golden Eagles are going to face the Tigers’ stout defense, consistently deep running corps, and a quarterback who will get more than a single series to get his rhythm going. The Eagles bring a new spread offense to the table, which could give Auburn some serious headaches in the secondary, but the Tigers should easily control both the offensive and defensive lines, and with them, Le game.

continue reading

Florida is going to rock Miami like a hurricane. *groan* That one almost hurt to type it was so bad. Florida still has some questions on defense, but with the continued solid play of one Tim “Baby Rhino” Tebow, and the return of Percy Harvin at tailback, the Gators should have enough offensive firepower to end an 6 game losing streak against the ‘Canes dating back to the mid 80’s. Randy Shannon has done an admirable job of bringing Miami toward some sense of respectability in a very short period of time, but in the end, don’t expect them to get the job done. I do, however, expect them to cover the spread. C’mon, you can keep it within 21 points you bunch of thugs.

Stanford is going to commit a cardinal sin on Arizona State. *double groan* You would think that the writing would get funnier as time goes on, but you would be wrong. The Cardinals are coming off a surprisingly good win over Oregon State led by junior tailback Toby Gerhart who had two rushing TDs last week on 19 carries. The Sun Devils’ fate rests solely on the shoulders of QB Rudy Carpenter, who has bulked up 20 lbs over last year in anticipation of a repeat of last year’s 55 sacks on the season. Carpenter’s arm is looking good, and it better, as the Sun Devils’ running game is anemic at best, with Carpenter leading rush yardage in their opener with a stunning 40 yards on 5 attempts. I love writing about Arizona State, as it gives me an excuse to post a picture of some of their hot coeds.

Notre Dame will, unfortunately, have to go to confession after squeaking out a win over San Diego State. I’m having trouble saying anything nice about the pathetic irish, and this is coming from an Irish Catholic writer. Statistically speaking, the Irish can’t be as bad as they were last year. There, I said something nice. Look for the Aztecs to give Weis and Co. fits by using what I can only imagine is a wishbone variant offense, but lose out in the end due to the fact that none of their players weigh more than 200 lbs. Also to look for: Notre Dame in a bowl game if they win more than 4 games this year.

Five for Friday

With the first night of college football, and several delicious irish car bombs, behind us, we look forward to the first Saturday of this season like little kids waiting for Christmas. Last night was Christmas Eve, and we got to open one present. Tomorrow we open them all.

Here are my picks for what I am considering the five most interesting games this weekend:

1. Alabama squeaks by Clemson – Clemson has the hype, but I have a feeling that Alabama is going to get up for this game, their first after a stellar recruiting class last year. Alabama will do their best to contain a strong Clemson backfield, but the game rests solely on the decisions of John Parker Wilson, henceforth referred to as JP Dub. If JP Dub can make smart throws, and the vaunted true freshman can keep their heads on in their first big time game, Alabama will barely take this one away from the Tigers.

2. Tennessee puts a damper on UCLA’s excitement – Rick Whoheisel? As much as I hate to give Fulmer credit for anything except maybe devouring multiple cupcakes in a single bite, it looks like the ugly orange stepchild of the SEC is going to be handing out lollipops and asswhuppins, and will be fresh out of lollipops. Reported friction between Neuheisel and offensive coordinator Norm Chow, and an inexperienced quarterback aren’t going to be helping the Bruins out much either.

3. Missouri makes Illinois point at the doll. “Tell us where the bad Tigers touched you…” I have this feeling that despite Ron Zook’s awesome porno name and the improvements that the Illini have made over the past few years, that the Tigers are going in up to the elbow on this one. Missouri is returning damn near everyone, and like a fine wine, Chase Daniel keeps getting better.

4. Florida will dance like no one’s watching all over Hawaii. This game isn’t going to be interesting because of anticipation over the outcome, as Florida is all but guaranteed a win. This game is going to be interesting because of anticipation of how much they are going to win by. With a Florida a 36.5 point favorite (the highest spread of the week), I’m guessing that they get a comfortable lead, and pull the Baby Rhino out at QB to keep him safe for later, more challenging endeavors.

5. Virginia is shot in the heart, and USC is to blame. What can I say? They give love (and recruiting practices) a bad name. I don’t expect Virginia to win, but I do think they’ll put up a decent fight. With “Dirty” Mark Sanchez back at the helm, but not entirely 100%, the Cavaliers should be able to score one or two TDs before being swept up in the NFL caliber (and pay grade) talent of USC.