Week 6 Wrap Up

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Chris “Beanie” Wells, RB for the Ohio State Buckeyes. First Beanie gets injured against Youngstown, then Ohio State has to rally late to beat Ohio, and it ended with an embarrassing loss to USC. But things are beginning to look up for the Buckeyes. They had a good win against an undefeated Minnesota team and this week a big win against Wisconsin on the road. That in part was due to the efforts of Wells with 160 rushing yards and a TD. He might single handedly bring this team back from the brink.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
South Florida Bulls. This might be the hardest award to give this week. There were not many upsets this week. However, the mighty South Florida Bulls couldn’t stop the Pitt Panthers from taking away their undefeated season. The Bulls just couldn’t slow down Pitt RB LeSean McCoy as he dialed up 142 yards and two TDs. There was a moment after South Florida beat Kansas that I thought they might have the best chance at perfection because of the weakness of the Big East, but I was wrong. Welcome back to the BCS conference basement Big East.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Nebraska Cornhuskers. By the end of the Mizzou/Cornhusker game Chase Daniels had taken Nebraska’s offense, defense, pride, and general self-respect. New coach Bo Pelini didn’t predict a shutout but he thought they might have a shot at one against Daniels and company. 500 yards and a dozen TDs later, Bo Pelini looks like an idiot, and Nebraska looked like a joke. Pelini apologized to the Nebraska nation after the game, where’s my apology I had to watch twenty minutes of that joke of a game.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Coffee fumbles deep in Kentucky territory but Bama retains possession. Want to talk about the luckiest play on earth don’t look any farther than the Bama/Kentucky game. Glen Coffee was heading for the end zone when he was grabbed and the ball went flying. Two Kentucky players dove on the ball but miraculously it popped out and went out of bounds. Alabama retained possession and kicked what turned out to be the game winning field goal. It only took three shocks with the paddles to get my heart started again.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Oklahoma drubs Baylor. Step one: Oklahoma plays a weak team. Step two: Oklahoma completely destroys weak team. Step three: Sam Bradford has excellent stats and Oklahoma is called the team of the century. Maybe they are, but they need to do that against Texas to prove it to me.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Tony Franklin, Offensive Coordinator for the Auburn Tigers. Never has this award been more on the point than in Tony Franklin’s case. The crazy Auburn fans want to actually murder him, the moderates just want to tar and feather him. Maybe I’m old fashioned thinking a simple firing might suffice. Auburn’s offense is pretty terrible and seems to be getting worse. In the words of a certain Auburn quarterback, “This is not the Auburn that recruited me.” Tony Franklin admits fault after every game, but Auburn was still winning. He can’t say that this week after a tough loss to Vandy.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Tom Brandstater, QB for the Fresno State Bulldogs. I thought Brandstater might be a sleeper Heisman pick this year. Instead he threw three interceptions against a terrible Hawaii team and Fresno State (#22) was beat at home in an embarrassing loss.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Mark Sanchez, QB for the USC Trojans. Maybe a little overdue to be on this list, but Sanchez really avenged the loss to Oregon State by beating their in-state rivals 44-10. Sanchez three for 332 yards with 3 TDs and 0 INTs. The 63 yard TD pass to Johnson was a thing of beauty.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Texas A&M Aggies. The Aggies lose to Arkansas State at home, they get drilled by Miami, barley beat teams like Army and New Mexico, and finally a 56-28 shelling by the Oklahoma State Cowboys. The Aggies are now the worst team in their Big 12 division. Yep that’s right A&M fans, you are worst then the Baylor Bears.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Missouri Tigers. Missouri did not play college football with the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Daniels, Maclin, and Washington didn’t even look like they knew the Nebraska defense was on the field. It was like they were tossing the football around in the backyard. This might not be the best team in the country but they sure as hell have one of the top offenses. Even a defense like LSU, Alabama, and Auburn would give up 30 points to this well oiled machine.