The REAL reason that Kodi Burns isn’t starting!

The staff here at Dammit Herring, meaning me and Kirk, pride ourselves on our hard hitting, investigative reporting, and the witty, insightful copy that we produce for this fine publication. It is with great pleasure that we break the story that Auburn fans and the nation at large have been waiting for, as we answer the question, “Why isn’t Kodi Burns starting?!?!?”

Many hypotheses have been flung about like rocks at an Islamic adulterer convention: Is Kodi the Burninator not starting because he’s black? Is it because he’s too stupid to understand the offense (AKA the “Vince Young” theory)? Or is it something altogether more insidious, such as a campaign of favoritism toward Chris Todd by new offensive coordinator Tony “I’m a dumbass” Franklin?

We have been able to confirm, through much internet Matlockery and by perusing two message boards, that none of the above theories are true. The real reason for the Burninator’s second string status is something much more awesome and terrifying:

Kodi Burns can fucking fly.

I’m not talking about fly in the “damn that guy is fast” sense, but I mean the “holy shit his feet aren’t touching the ground” kind of flying. Reports from Auburn indicate that Kodi has flown all over campus, and has been able to look into seventh story windows of the sorority dorms, because who wouldn’t do that?

The NCAA is in a panic because they hate and fear what they don’t understand, and have issued a super secret probationary ban on Kodi starting at quarterback while they scramble to enact a new “Vertical Out-Of-Bounds” Rule to contain the Burninator’s limitless potential. The proposed rule would have a player ruled out of bounds if his feet go over twelve feet above the field. This rule is bigoted and designed to keep Kodi from achieving his true potential as “King of Awesome”. The NCAA has also ruled that Kodi may not be played for more than three offensive series a game to keep Auburn from having an insanely awesome "flying player" advantage.

When asked for comment, Coach Tommy Tuberville said, “Holy shit, he’s flying. Top that Saban!”

So there is it, folks. Mystery solved. Look for Chris Todd to attempt to pull the spotlight back to himself on Saturday by attempting to hang the ball in the air so long that it looks like it’s flying.