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Four words: Willingham is so fired

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Week 2 Wrap Up: Now Wif Teef!

I, accompanied by Lil' Wayne's beautarific teef, will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Jake Locker, QB for the Washington Huskies. Why does Jake Locker get this award, for being the best sport I’ve ever seen over a bullshit excessive celebration call that cost his team the game. If he would have waited for that referee in the parking lot I don’t think anyone would have blamed him.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Not the 10-2 team Lou Holtz thought this team might be. Sure they won the game, but San Diego State lost to a team with like five names. This team is going nowhere fast. Plus what was up with Clausen’s hair. When you have a face like a frying pan, don’t grow California locks.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
South Carolina Gamecocks. Not everyone hates the Gamecocks, but a lot of people do hate the Ole’ Ball Coach. I like to think the hate of Spurrier made this beat down by the Commodores all the more special. With all kinds of problems at quarterback we may see the Gamecocks here again this year.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
BYU blocking Washington’s PAT after a Bullshit celebration call. I won’t go into the BS call again, but I will give props to BYU for blocking the PAT. Sure it was easier when the kicker had to worry about distance, but hey a blocked kick is still tough to do.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida State’s slaughter of Western Carolina. 69-0 pretty much says it all. There was hardly a member of the Seminoles that didn’t score a touchdown this week. The offense put up obscene numbers and the defense pitched a shut-out. Still the Catamounts are not exactly the cream of the AA crop. We will see how the Noles are against good teams.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Charlie Weiss. A squeaker over a terrible San Diego State will not save Charlie Weiss’ job. I’ll bet Notre Dame feels really good about giving him an extension right after his team got killed in the Sugar Bowl in 2006 because they were afraid he was being courted by the NFL. Money well spent.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Steven Threet, QB of the Michigan Wolverines. This is not your father’s Michigan Wolverines. Threet went 6 of 13 for 63 yards against Miami (OH). That is not getting it done. Michigan does not have enough talent at RB to not be able to throw the ball. Either Threet or Sheridan has to step up or it will be a long year for the Wolverines.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Sam Bradford, QB of the Oklahoma Sooners. Bradford threw 5 TD passes, and piled up 395 yards on a very decent Cincinnati team. Bradford has weapons everywhere and guess what, he himself has a lot of talent too. The Sooners may sputter down the stretch, but right now they are playing on a different level.

“The Einstein Award” (given to the commentator or analyst who actually got it right this week):
Mark May, Commentator for ESPN College Scoreboard. I like Mark May. He doesn’t usually go way out there on picks and he tries not to be biased. This week he didn’t pick any upsets, there really weren’t a lot anyway, but he made some very good picks and he backed up his picks with facts that made sense. Lou Holtz, you could learn a thing from Mr. May, like don’t spit when you talk.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
East Carolina Pirates. I’m jumping on the Pirate bandwagon. Where the hell did these guys come from, and where can I get an ECU jersey? Finally a talented Holtz. Head Coach Skip Holtz , RB Jonathan Williams, and QB Patrick Pickney have all the sudden got heads turning ECU’s way. Guess what folks, the two hardest teams on their schedule are done! Who’s left, NC State, Tulane, Virginia, and Houston. Can we say BCS bowl, or do we dare say NC game? Probably not NC game, but look out if ECU runs the table, they will be BCS bound.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

Dead Bobby Bowden here. I had a great weekend playing golf with Lou Holtz’s ghost and Michael Irvin’s sportscasting career. I can hear you now: “But Bobby, neither you or Lou Holtz are dead.” Au contraire my little pepito. I died in early ’97, and Holtz died half way through his term at South Carolina. We were both replaced by life-like robots with no decision making capacity whatsoever. Contrary to popular belief, Joe Paterno is simply a really old guy, and not a robot.

Ohio State almost choked earlier in the season than usual against a team than was 6-6 last year, including a loss to Buffalo. Does this surprise anyone? Actually, yes it does. The Suckeyes are supposed to stomp their weak schedule and choke at the end of the year, not almost put up a repeat of the USC-Stanford game last year. And if anyone says they "finished strong" I will stab you in one eye. You get to pick which one.

A directional school won two games. In a row. Against ranked teams? What? I just looked and hell doesn't seem to be frozen over, yet here we are.

No happiness will be tolerated! At least as long as BYU is on the field. The refs imposed strict traditionalist Mormon values in the form of a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after Huskies QB Jake Locker failed to politely hand the ball to the ref while averting his eyes after a (theoretically) game-tying TD with 0:02 on the clock. This led to the Huskies blowing the PAT and losing the game. The order of blame is as follows: the Mormon faith, the refs, Washington’s special teams crew letting BYU through for the block.

The best part of Tony Franklin’s new spread offense at Auburn? Surprising the running backs by greasing their gloves with olive oil during the first two drives. Despite two fumbles in the red zone, my beloved el Tigres rallied to beat Southern Miss, and failed to cover their TE at any point during the second half.

40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome.

This week’s sex offender du-jour is the small throated Ohio State Suckeyes (because they choke, get it?). Their victim? None other than their in-state “rivals”, the Ohio *victims* Bobcats. The Suckeyes are favored by a massive 34 points, and should easily rack up double that if they are truly as good as their fans say they are every single year. This, like every other game that OSU plays in the Big Ten, is a creampuff game, and will end accordingly. But good for them keeping the money in-state by playing Ohio instead of some random division II team. Hearty congratulations go out to OSU for being able to do the football equivalent of owning kids in a race at the Special Olympics year in and year out.

Five for Friday

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the greatest schedule in the history of college football. This schedule is not great for the content held within, but for the ingenious presentation. I hope that every single Division I NCAA school follows suit. Hell, I hope every Division II school follows suit. I would have a much better idea of who was playing who if that happened. This lovely find courtesy of Poon of the SEC

Now, with no ado, here are the picks for the five most interesting match ups of the week, as determined by a panel of experts entirely devoid of expertise:

Boston College will have a wicked huge hahd ahn for Georgia Tech. After this weekend, only one of the two undefeated teams in the ACC will retain that distinction. Is the ACC the new Big Ten? Only time will tell on that one. On paper, BC should be able to handle the Yellow Jackets, as they have returned a very solid front four on offense. Ga Tech may be able to put up quite a fight here, as Paul Johnson and his option offense will give the Eagles a few looks that they may not have seen… since high school.

Auburn will make Southern Miss. squeal like a pig. Hey, if we’re going to be referred to as rednecks down on the farm (note to Alabama fans: Pot, meet Kettle), we might as well embrace it. Besides the fact that they have pretty mouths, the Golden Eagles are going to face the Tigers’ stout defense, consistently deep running corps, and a quarterback who will get more than a single series to get his rhythm going. The Eagles bring a new spread offense to the table, which could give Auburn some serious headaches in the secondary, but the Tigers should easily control both the offensive and defensive lines, and with them, Le game.

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Florida is going to rock Miami like a hurricane. *groan* That one almost hurt to type it was so bad. Florida still has some questions on defense, but with the continued solid play of one Tim “Baby Rhino” Tebow, and the return of Percy Harvin at tailback, the Gators should have enough offensive firepower to end an 6 game losing streak against the ‘Canes dating back to the mid 80’s. Randy Shannon has done an admirable job of bringing Miami toward some sense of respectability in a very short period of time, but in the end, don’t expect them to get the job done. I do, however, expect them to cover the spread. C’mon, you can keep it within 21 points you bunch of thugs.

Stanford is going to commit a cardinal sin on Arizona State. *double groan* You would think that the writing would get funnier as time goes on, but you would be wrong. The Cardinals are coming off a surprisingly good win over Oregon State led by junior tailback Toby Gerhart who had two rushing TDs last week on 19 carries. The Sun Devils’ fate rests solely on the shoulders of QB Rudy Carpenter, who has bulked up 20 lbs over last year in anticipation of a repeat of last year’s 55 sacks on the season. Carpenter’s arm is looking good, and it better, as the Sun Devils’ running game is anemic at best, with Carpenter leading rush yardage in their opener with a stunning 40 yards on 5 attempts. I love writing about Arizona State, as it gives me an excuse to post a picture of some of their hot coeds.

Notre Dame will, unfortunately, have to go to confession after squeaking out a win over San Diego State. I’m having trouble saying anything nice about the pathetic irish, and this is coming from an Irish Catholic writer. Statistically speaking, the Irish can’t be as bad as they were last year. There, I said something nice. Look for the Aztecs to give Weis and Co. fits by using what I can only imagine is a wishbone variant offense, but lose out in the end due to the fact that none of their players weigh more than 200 lbs. Also to look for: Notre Dame in a bowl game if they win more than 4 games this year.

Quarterbacking That Ass Up On The Plains

After one game using two quarterbacks, Auburn is now confusificated. Kodi “the Burninator” Burns was 4 for 9 with 15 yards passing and 69 yards rushing (heh). The Burninator ended up leaving the game in the 3rd Quarter due to a cut on his leg that resulted in seven stitches. Buck up little camper, chicks dig scars.

Meanwhile, Chrissey “the Demon QB of Fleet Street” Todd was 9 for 18 with 70 yards passing and -2 yards rushing. Chrissey had the positive of throwing Auburn’s only passing touchdown, and the negative of throwing Auburn’s only interception.

Offensive coordinator Tony Franklin managed to throw off both quarterbacks and the entire offense by swapping them out each drive, effectively ensuring that neither QB could get a decent rhythm going. Add in the fact that both guys are feeling the pressure of their final auditions for the starting job, and you have a fine recipe for the aerial disaster that we saw on Saturday.

For this week’s game against Southern Miss, the Demon QB will get the start because of the Burninator’s injury. While I personally think that the Burninator would be the best option for Auburn’s offense long term, we’ll see how Chrissey does. I’m rooting for at least one of them to succeed, if not both. If given a chance to get his rhythm going, I think Todd will do fine.

This issue has been hashed over by much more intelligent writers and fans than myself, so I’ll limit my commentary to what I know: awesomeness. Kodi the Burninator is such an awesome name. I would much rather make repeated posts with the awesome “consummate V’s” and Kodi spitting fire than the terrible job I did on Todd’s photoshop. Sorry buddy, your name just doesn’t lend itself to as awesome a nickname as Kodi’s does.

Long story short, Todd’s knowledge of the spread offense will give him an advantage in the short term, until Kodi can catch up. On the other hand, the Burninator’s added running dimension makes him the most viable long term candidate to best run the spread (or whatever modified version we’re using).

Week 1 Wrap Up

We will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Kevin Craft, QB for the UCLA Bruins. When you throw four interceptions in the first half of a game, and then come back out and lead your team on two successful TD drives. You my friend have nerves and balls of steel.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Pittsburgh Panthers. Not much of a contest here. Pittsburgh believed the hype and got beat at home by Bowling Green. Bowling green is ok, but when you are preseason #25 you do not lose at home to Bowling Green.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Michigan Wolverines. Most people don’t like the Wolverines, and many dislike their new coach Rich Rodriguez. He needed to deliver a win against a very good Utah team, and he couldn’t deliver. I like to think the hate had something to do with that.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
East Carolina blocking Va Tech’s last punt for a TD. What made this a miracle was not just the fact that the pirates ran this block back for a TD. It was that this was a play that won Coach Beamer many a game. Does your medicine taste bitter Coach Beamer?

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
USC’s slaughter of woeful Virginia. Ever seen a muscular man fighting a scarecrow, Virginia put up less of a fight then the scarecrow. This was men against boys, as Mark Sanchez and company demolished and dominated Virginia in every possible.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Dave Wannstedt, Head coach of the Pitt Panthers. Already on the hot seat before the season began the faithful at Pitt were giving Coach Dave one more chance. He is not off to a great start. A Big East championship good still save his career, but that looks very doubtful now.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Sean Glennon, QB of the Virginia Tech Hokies. Beamer’s decision of picking Glennon as his starter and red-shirting Tyrod Taylor had a lot of people scratching their heads. After the beat down by ECU we really are confused. Glennon was terrible in almost every aspect of the game, ECU really didn’t play that well. When his team needed him to make plays Glennon came up very short.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Graham Harrell, QB for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Granted they were playing Eastern Washington, but 536 frigging passing yards. This team does not know the meaning of the word run. Graham, I hope you rest that arm because your Coach Mike Leach is throwing his rushing play book away.

“The Einstein Award” (given to the commentator or analyst who actually got it right this week):
Kirk Herbstreet, Host of ESPN College Gameday. My boy Herbstreet was on it this week. He hinted Bama might beat Clemson by more than a touchdown, he predicted upsets at Virginia Tech and Pitt, and he’s damn good looking.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Alabama Crimson Tide. Sorry guys this is not a biased pick. Alabama and Clemson took a risk by playing one of the only two high risks games this week, the other being Mizzou and Illinois, and for the Tide it paid dividends. The Mizzou and Illinois game was good, but stayed close. Alabama dominated almost every aspect of the game. They controlled the line of scrimmage and ran the ball very well. They might fall apart next week, but this was the week of the Tide!

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

The afterlife provides the best viewing of college football, and this weekend was no exception. The heavenly big screens were on full blast in 4-HD (you’ll be getting this on earth in a generation or two) and the collegiate footballs were all the talk around the holy water cooler.

Mah boy got the shaft! The favored children of the ACC fall to Bama, and I call shenanigans on Rick Saban and Alabama’s defense. A petition has been made to the almighty to have his Saban-ness on the receiving end of a moderate smiting.

Beanie Wells hurt his foot. I had nothing to do with this. It’s simply a reflection of how Slowhio State’s fans’ actions and words continue to bring the wrath of God upon them.

Florida should be brought up on charges. Isn’t rape still a crime down there?

Several Auburn players were injured while attempting to fly. Apparently the pilots down on the plains need more qualified flight hours before attempting to take to the air again. The good news is that Auburn’s defense and special teams are still as good on offense as they were last year. Tuberville blamed former OLB Will Herring and his “high gravity machine” for the Tigers’ struggling aerial game.

Pitt lost to Bowling Green and Virginia Tech lost to a Directional school in a pair of “upsets”. Wait a sec. Let me repeat that so that you can understand the gravity of that statement. VIRGINIA TECH LOST TO A DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL. That’s like losing a foot race with a fourth grader who has polio. Seeing how we’ve pretty much stamped out polio, it’s both improbable and sad.