Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Tainted Legacy Edition

The ghost of Bobby Bowden here, rolling over in my grave because my once great football legacy has been tarnished beyond repair. Two sons who are failures, and the rest of the kids aren’t far behind. At least the football this weekend was worth watching.

Dabo Swinney proved to be a better coach than my good-for-nothing sack of excuses of a son, coaching Clemson to a close loss against Georgia Tech, 21 – 17. Much maligned quarterback Cullen Harper led a rally in the second half with two touchdowns to take the lead at 17 – 14, but the Yellow Jackets were able to answer, and Clemson couldn’t retake the lead. Swinney did all of this without star running back C. J. Spiller. Did you hear that Tommy? He did more with less, you twit. Imagine what he will be able to do once he gets the speedster back.

Texas beat the everloving holy bejesus out of Missouri 56 - 31. And that score makes it look like the game was much closer than it actually ever was. I’d like to take this moment to say, “I fucking called it!” The Bowdenator spent the entire week last week babbling to anyone who would listen that Texas Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp was going to shine in this game, and I was so right. The Longhorns held the Tigers to 3 points in the first half, while scoring touchdowns on their first 5 drives. Chase Daniel could do no right, and the Mizzou offense was stacking up the penalties. Oh, and some kid named Colt McCoy gave an almost flawless performance at quarterback, for what that’s worth.

North Carolina gave up a last second loss in overtime to Virginia. Wait a minute. Didn’t Virginia lose by 28 points to Duke earlier this year? What. The. Fuck. With Maryland, Virginia, Florida State, and NC State so up and down, the ACC makes no goddamn sense this year. I blame Clemson. Either way, the Tar Heels beat Notre Dame the week before, and I’ll pretty much forgive anything when people have given the Irish a loss.

Alabama looked “meh” in a 24 – 20 victory over Ole Miss. The Rebels were playing solid football for the bulk of the game, while Alabama continued their “tradition” of performing great in the first half, and looking forward to joining Sanchez at the Waffle House during the second half. Talk about phoning it in, the Tide gave up 17 points in the second half. To be fair, gigantic Nose Guard Terrence Cody was lost on a suspect play early in the second half, and that had a tremendous impact on the defensive line. The officiating was particularly bad for this game, and not in favor of Bama. Maybe the Tide should divert some funds from buying recruits to buying off the zebras.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Upsetting Weekend

Welcome to the week of work preceding the 6th week of college football. Well, you’ll be working, I’ll be playing golf in the afterlife with a small measure of dignity still intact as the robot who is coaching FSU pads my record against Paterno. It almost seems unfair that I get credit for the wins, being dead and all.

Alabama beat the hell out of Georgia and rose to #2 in the AP poll. No one can argue against that. If you’re going to try and use qualifying statements, head on over to the Bulldog message boards. Now let’s go ahead and cue Bama fans’ fervent discussions of how many national championships that their team is going to win this year alone. Talk radio is going to be insufferable this week.

Florida State won a game! At home! And the robot who replaced me in ’97 still isn’t wearing a headset or talking to anyone during the game. Telepathic coaching is going to be the next big thing. I can feel it. Or is that just my bladder control giving way?

Florida loses to Ole Miss on a blocked extra point? “Hello? Mrs. Tebow? Could you put your son on the field please? Thank you, m’aam.” This is a direct result of Florida failing to schedule Auburn or Alabama this year. They had to take a loss to a theoretically lesser team, and Ole Miss drew the long straw.

Michigan beat Wisconsin in the 4th quarter only. Apparently one quarter was all that Rich Rodriguez’s much maligned Wolverines needed, as they dropped 20 points on zee Badgers and sealed a win over a top ten team. Did the whole college football world go upside down this weekend, or are these polls not really accurate at all? Oh… right… Look for USC to be back at #3 in the AP by week 9 because they’re in the largest media market in the country.

Tommy Bowden is the worst coach ever. All he wanted to do growing up was to play racquetball with pasty long-haired effeminate guys. Now he’s dragging my (formerly) good name through the mud by taking what should be a decent team and tanking it on an annual basis. Disowned, and out of the will with ye, my boy!

Phil Fulmer is fat. Nothing really new here, just keeping the issue in the spotlight.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Sexy Ryder Cup Edition

After a week off from the rigors of producing sadly humorless undead copy for this trash blog, I’m back. That’s right kids, Uncle Bobby is back in the heavenly saddle, and ready to give you more of what you don’t crave. This weekend continued to prove my point that the robot FSU replaced me with is an inferior substitute (that’s an econometric term for you smarties).

The U.S. finally won a Ryder Cup. We’ve been trashed by the Europeans in this competition since 1999. It only took the better part of a decade for us to win another one. So what did we learn from this? Over the past ten years, the Europeans have excelled at four man scrambles (which, consequently is the only format that Drew considers legal), while the U.S. players (who are we kidding? I’m only talking about Tiger Woods here) have been good at playing real golf.

LSU’s backup quarterback hung 182 yards and two touchdowns on Auburn’s secondary in the second half to beat the Tigers. Auburn did get a pick six off of Lee, but that’s about it. Auburn led 14 – 3 at the half, and then their defense gave up towards the end of the 3rd quarter, allowing LSU to take the win. Apparently God has a sense of humor, as LSU coach Les Miles is once again rewarded for his stupid play calls with a win.

The SEC East looks okay though, as Georgia stomped Arizona State and Florida destructificated Tennessee. Yawn. The Pac 10 (save USC) still sucks and Fat Phil keeps eating cupcakes by the gross and losing. Call me when things get interesting next weekend please.

East Carolina is a bust against NC State? Really? In overtime no less? The Pirates kept giving the Wolfpack opportunities to upset them, and NC State finally took advantage of one of them. What lost the game? Maybe when Skip Holtz channeled Lou Holtz and decided to go for it on 4th and 1 instead of taking the field goal. Oh well, Holtz has earned my respect by getting a directional school into the top 15 and having a pirate named Pinkney on his team.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

Dead Bobby Bowden here. I had a great weekend playing golf with Lou Holtz’s ghost and Michael Irvin’s sportscasting career. I can hear you now: “But Bobby, neither you or Lou Holtz are dead.” Au contraire my little pepito. I died in early ’97, and Holtz died half way through his term at South Carolina. We were both replaced by life-like robots with no decision making capacity whatsoever. Contrary to popular belief, Joe Paterno is simply a really old guy, and not a robot.

Ohio State almost choked earlier in the season than usual against a team than was 6-6 last year, including a loss to Buffalo. Does this surprise anyone? Actually, yes it does. The Suckeyes are supposed to stomp their weak schedule and choke at the end of the year, not almost put up a repeat of the USC-Stanford game last year. And if anyone says they "finished strong" I will stab you in one eye. You get to pick which one.

A directional school won two games. In a row. Against ranked teams? What? I just looked and hell doesn't seem to be frozen over, yet here we are.

No happiness will be tolerated! At least as long as BYU is on the field. The refs imposed strict traditionalist Mormon values in the form of a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after Huskies QB Jake Locker failed to politely hand the ball to the ref while averting his eyes after a (theoretically) game-tying TD with 0:02 on the clock. This led to the Huskies blowing the PAT and losing the game. The order of blame is as follows: the Mormon faith, the refs, Washington’s special teams crew letting BYU through for the block.

The best part of Tony Franklin’s new spread offense at Auburn? Surprising the running backs by greasing their gloves with olive oil during the first two drives. Despite two fumbles in the red zone, my beloved el Tigres rallied to beat Southern Miss, and failed to cover their TE at any point during the second half.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

The afterlife provides the best viewing of college football, and this weekend was no exception. The heavenly big screens were on full blast in 4-HD (you’ll be getting this on earth in a generation or two) and the collegiate footballs were all the talk around the holy water cooler.

Mah boy got the shaft! The favored children of the ACC fall to Bama, and I call shenanigans on Rick Saban and Alabama’s defense. A petition has been made to the almighty to have his Saban-ness on the receiving end of a moderate smiting.

Beanie Wells hurt his foot. I had nothing to do with this. It’s simply a reflection of how Slowhio State’s fans’ actions and words continue to bring the wrath of God upon them.

Florida should be brought up on charges. Isn’t rape still a crime down there?

Several Auburn players were injured while attempting to fly. Apparently the pilots down on the plains need more qualified flight hours before attempting to take to the air again. The good news is that Auburn’s defense and special teams are still as good on offense as they were last year. Tuberville blamed former OLB Will Herring and his “high gravity machine” for the Tigers’ struggling aerial game.

Pitt lost to Bowling Green and Virginia Tech lost to a Directional school in a pair of “upsets”. Wait a sec. Let me repeat that so that you can understand the gravity of that statement. VIRGINIA TECH LOST TO A DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL. That’s like losing a foot race with a fourth grader who has polio. Seeing how we’ve pretty much stamped out polio, it’s both improbable and sad.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

G'morning everyone. *mumbles incoherently* This is the ghost of Bobby Bowden and a young Filipino Elvis Presley, coming to you from heaven, which bears a striking similarity to Tallahassee, Florida. With college football only 4 days away, memories of my coaching days are dancing like sugarplums in my head, so I thought I would do what I used to do during my final living days, and embody senility.

According to MSN FOX Sports, Tommy Tuberville is ranked #8 on their pre-season coaches list and has "owned 'Bama the last eight years". Aren't we getting a little ahead of ourselves here?

In Tae Kwon Do, a Cuban athlete kicked a referee in the face after being disqualified in a bronze medal match in the Olympics. Much more awesome Tae Kwon Do knockouts here. Bet'cha didn't think 'ol Bobby knew about the karates did'ja? You were wrong.

Randy Shannon has suspended almost everyone for Miami's opener against the fearsome Charleston Southern Buccaneers. In other news that no one cares about, Georgia Southern suspended eight players, including two starters, which I'm assuming is code for "anyone who was willing to play".

In a move that shows how well Tommy Bowden's offseason aggression traing is going, Clemson safety DeAndre McDaniel will only receive enrollment in a program for first time offenders to resolve charges of assault and battery. Cool. If only all of us who covered our girlfriend's heads with a comforter, punched her, and pushed her down a flight of stairs could be so lucky.