Week 7 Wrap Up: More Teef!

Each week Kirk traditionally gives out ten awards for various and sundry deeds of valor and pathetic displays of athleticism and sportsmanship. To mix things up, I’ll be giving out the awards this week. Don’t expect too much, and certainly don’t expect anything near the quality that you’ve been getting from Kirk’s writing.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
I’m giving this one up to the baby rhino himself, Tim Tebow. After a upset to Ole Miss, Tebow took a step forward and said that he would play harder and lead better. He has certainly proven to be a man of his word. Tebow led the Gators to a 51 – 21 thwomping of the LSU Tigers with 210 passing yards, 2 passing touchdowns, and one more rushing touchdown to pad the resume. I fear for the rest of Florida’s schedule.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
As much as I hate to do this (I don’t) I’m going with the Missouri Tigers (lots of Tigers in here this week). Chase Daniel’s Heisman stock mirrored the actual stock market and dropped like a rock after their loss to Mike “I’m a man! I’m 40!” Gundy’s Oklahoma State Cowboys. The Cowboys’ defense stepped up in the second half, getting three picks off of the Mizzou QB and putting the kibosh on an offense that seemed to score on every possession.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
I had a nice internal debate this week, and it was over three sets of Tigers. In the end, I couldn’t give it to my Auburn Tigers because of bias and favoritism, and Clemson seems to have been through enough, so we’re going with LSU. I would like to take this time to point out that Les Miles’ idiotic play calling finally caught up with him in a big way. Apparently playing xbox does not count as valid coaching experience. Also, fuck the hat. Seriously, fuck it.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Very few people gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys much of a chance against a Missouri team led by previous Voltron award recipient Chase Daniel. But Mike “I’m a Man! I’m 40!” Gundy’s (I never get tired of writing that) Cowboys took three passes away from Daniel in the second half and put on a performance that Mizzou won’t soon forget. I don’t think that we’ll see Ok. St. in the National Championship game, but Gundy has got this squad moving in the right direction in a big way.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
We’re giving this one to Mountain West powerhouse (giggle) Utah, who destructificated Wyoming 40 – 7. Wyoming’s only score came with 7:47 left in the 4th quarter, and only came about when the Utah defense, in a touching show of sportsmanship, staying in the huddle and gave the Cowboys a freebie into the end zone. The rest of the game was as sad to watch as a domestic dispute in a trailer park.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Hmm… where to go with this. I know, let’s go with my old standby, Tommy Bowden. Poor Tommy has taken a team that by all accounts should be decent to very good, and tanked them with extreme prejudice. Putting his head in his hands and looking Bill Stewart confused during the 4th quarter didn’t help things much either. Now it’s a race between Bowden, Stewart, and possibly Tuberville to see who can get fired before the end of the regular season.
Update: As of 10:45 am this morning, Bowden wins!

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Cullen Harper of the Clemson Tigers gets this site’s namesake award this week. Harper’s 177 passing yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception, and -16 rushing yards don’t do justice to his terrible performance against Wake Forest last Thursday. His 15 completions out of 35 throws, however, does more to shed light on why ‘ol Harpo has been assigned to the pine for Clemson’s next game against Georgia Tech. Hold your head high, young man, as your coach’s career is sinking much faster than your own.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
This one was easy. Sam Bradford of the Oklahoma Sooners looked like a pigskin ninja on Saturday. Who cares if Oklahoma lost? If it weren’t for Bradford’s 387 yards and 5 touchdowns, they never would have been in it in the first place. Bradford went 28 of 39 and did throw 2 interceptions, but he looked every bit a Heisman contender. Chase Daniel may have put himself out of the Heisman race this week, but Bradford put himself at the top of my Heisman list with his gutsy performance against the Longhorns.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Ugh. I hate to do this, but this week’s Blazer Award goes to my beloved Auburn Tigers, after a sad loss to the Arkasas Razorbacks. Auburn truly seek out every way to lose this week. Kodi Burns and Chris Todd combined for a stellar 0 touchdowns and 3 interceptions in a game that saw Auburn limited to less than 60 total yards rushing against the team that gave up 328 rushing yards to Alabama, 183 rushing yards to LA-Monroe, and 157 rushing yards to Western Illinois. At this point, the best strategy for us as Auburn fans is to hold group prayer meetings prior to each game, because things do not look very good right now. That being said, I refuse to give up on my team, so War Damn Eagle!

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Texas. Colt McCoy didn’t get any concussions, and as a result, led the Longhorns to a stunning victory over a very solid Oklahoma squad. After watching this great game, I have to say that the Big 12 is really legit. They don’t have the staunch defenses that are the standard of the SEC, but they have significantly more offensive power through the air. Texas didn’t just squeak by the Sooners, they beat them in a heads up game of cards 45 – 35. Oklahoma scored, Texas answered. Again and again. With former Auburn defensive coordinator Will Muschamp in control of a much improved Texas defense, look for the Longhorns to continue to impress (and they had better, with three ranked teams coming up in the next three weeks).

Week 2 Wrap Up: Now Wif Teef!

I, accompanied by Lil' Wayne's beautarific teef, will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Jake Locker, QB for the Washington Huskies. Why does Jake Locker get this award, for being the best sport I’ve ever seen over a bullshit excessive celebration call that cost his team the game. If he would have waited for that referee in the parking lot I don’t think anyone would have blamed him.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Not the 10-2 team Lou Holtz thought this team might be. Sure they won the game, but San Diego State lost to a team with like five names. This team is going nowhere fast. Plus what was up with Clausen’s hair. When you have a face like a frying pan, don’t grow California locks.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
South Carolina Gamecocks. Not everyone hates the Gamecocks, but a lot of people do hate the Ole’ Ball Coach. I like to think the hate of Spurrier made this beat down by the Commodores all the more special. With all kinds of problems at quarterback we may see the Gamecocks here again this year.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
BYU blocking Washington’s PAT after a Bullshit celebration call. I won’t go into the BS call again, but I will give props to BYU for blocking the PAT. Sure it was easier when the kicker had to worry about distance, but hey a blocked kick is still tough to do.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida State’s slaughter of Western Carolina. 69-0 pretty much says it all. There was hardly a member of the Seminoles that didn’t score a touchdown this week. The offense put up obscene numbers and the defense pitched a shut-out. Still the Catamounts are not exactly the cream of the AA crop. We will see how the Noles are against good teams.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Charlie Weiss. A squeaker over a terrible San Diego State will not save Charlie Weiss’ job. I’ll bet Notre Dame feels really good about giving him an extension right after his team got killed in the Sugar Bowl in 2006 because they were afraid he was being courted by the NFL. Money well spent.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Steven Threet, QB of the Michigan Wolverines. This is not your father’s Michigan Wolverines. Threet went 6 of 13 for 63 yards against Miami (OH). That is not getting it done. Michigan does not have enough talent at RB to not be able to throw the ball. Either Threet or Sheridan has to step up or it will be a long year for the Wolverines.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Sam Bradford, QB of the Oklahoma Sooners. Bradford threw 5 TD passes, and piled up 395 yards on a very decent Cincinnati team. Bradford has weapons everywhere and guess what, he himself has a lot of talent too. The Sooners may sputter down the stretch, but right now they are playing on a different level.

“The Einstein Award” (given to the commentator or analyst who actually got it right this week):
Mark May, Commentator for ESPN College Scoreboard. I like Mark May. He doesn’t usually go way out there on picks and he tries not to be biased. This week he didn’t pick any upsets, there really weren’t a lot anyway, but he made some very good picks and he backed up his picks with facts that made sense. Lou Holtz, you could learn a thing from Mr. May, like don’t spit when you talk.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
East Carolina Pirates. I’m jumping on the Pirate bandwagon. Where the hell did these guys come from, and where can I get an ECU jersey? Finally a talented Holtz. Head Coach Skip Holtz , RB Jonathan Williams, and QB Patrick Pickney have all the sudden got heads turning ECU’s way. Guess what folks, the two hardest teams on their schedule are done! Who’s left, NC State, Tulane, Virginia, and Houston. Can we say BCS bowl, or do we dare say NC game? Probably not NC game, but look out if ECU runs the table, they will be BCS bound.