40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape is here again! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

Ugh. It actually physically pains me to write this. This week’s recipient of surprise sex is none other than my beloved Auburn Tigers, who were absolutely destroyed by the Alabama Crimson Tide (tell me that doesn’t make you think of a period) 36 – 0. Not only was it a shutout, but if you put that through the SEC to Other Conferences score converter, it works out to more like 100 – 0. I actually stopped watching this game continuously halfway through the third quarter. After that it was just popping back into the room to watch a disastrous play or two, and finally to see the backup UA quarterback, McElroy, hang a quick touchdown on us for good measure. Ugh. This was the kid who they wouldn’t let play during the Tulane game, mind you, and they put him in against us… and he scored… Damn that’s depressing. I know it’s been four days since this game, but my ass still hurts.

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape is here again! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

This week’s recipient of the donkey punch du jour (almost some more alliteration there) is the Citadel, who had the misfortune to play a Florida squad who is trying to rack up the style points in another bid for the National Championship. All things considered, it was nice of Florida coach Urban Meyer to call off the dogs around the middle of the second quarter, leaving the Gators with a paltry 51 point margin of victory with a final score of 70-19. And I am not being sarcastic when I say that Meyer was being nice, as Florida could have easily hung a hundy on the Citadel without breaking much of a sweat. Baby Rhino Tebow threw for three TDs and Florida had a combined six rushing touchdowns from five different players (surprisingly, none of whom were named Tebow). Despite the score, it wasn’t all about Florida on that field on Saturday. I have it on good authority that most of the mothers of the Citadel players thought their sons looked “very handsome in their uniforms”.

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape has returned! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

This week’s convicted sex offenders are the USC Trojans, who hung 69 points on Washington State in a brutal shutout. Dirty Sanchez threw five touchdown passes in the first half, and hung out at the Waffle House down the street during the entire second half. The Cougars gave up an impressive 163 yards on 23 sacks. And the bulk of that was likely against USC’s fourth string defensive unit, two cameramen who just wanted to jump in for a few plays, and six members of the crowd chosen at random, including one guy in a wheelchair. The guy in the wheelchair got one of the sacks. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Washington State is bad. This beating is not really as impressive as the Cougars have allowed 66, 63, and 66 points in their other three conference losses, but I’m willing to ignore that for the sheer joy of typing “69 point shutout”. See? That was fun. Totally worth it.

40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome, though lately we've sucked at that, so we're praying for a hit this week.

I'm going with the odds makers in Vegas this week. I've gone against them two weeks in a row, and that has made me look like a fool. This week's surrogate Rape-O-matics are the LSU Tigers. And who will our defending national champions be playing this week? Only the fearsome North Texas Mean Green, who are mere 42.5 point underdog to the Tigers. Holy God, that is a huge spread. The Mean Green (seriously?) come into this fiasco with the 106th ranked offense, and the 100th ranked defense, or as I call it, the rare "Double Triple". LSU is... well they're LSU. As much as I want to berate and mock them, they are still very solid, with their only significant weakness coming from an untested freshman QB. Around the beginning of the fourth quarter, look for the LSU kicker to start taking snaps at tailback, and a few LSU fans getting a shot at the QB slot, just to mix it up.

40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome.

This week’s sex offender du-jour is the small throated Ohio State Suckeyes (because they choke, get it?). Their victim? None other than their in-state “rivals”, the Ohio *victims* Bobcats. The Suckeyes are favored by a massive 34 points, and should easily rack up double that if they are truly as good as their fans say they are every single year. This, like every other game that OSU plays in the Big Ten, is a creampuff game, and will end accordingly. But good for them keeping the money in-state by playing Ohio instead of some random division II team. Hearty congratulations go out to OSU for being able to do the football equivalent of owning kids in a race at the Special Olympics year in and year out.

40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome.

This week’s raping belongs to the Akron Zips, who will be violated by #13 Wisconsin. While not the heaviest spread of the week (that honor belongs to Hawaii, who is a 36 point underdog to Florida), the Zips (what the hell is a “zip” anyway?) are in the running as the Badgers are favored by 26 points. In addition to being outright terrible, Akron has been plagued with injuries and has the misfortune to have their entire secondary being first time starters.

On the other hand, Wisconsin has a solid defense that carries over from last year, and an improved offense that should be able to put more points on the board than they did last year. You can catch this gem tomorrow at noon, provided that any channel in your market is bold enough to carry this pigskin equivalent of a snuff film.