Presented Entirely Without Comment

Why Alabama Won't Win the National Championship This Year

As we head into the 2012 season of college football, there are several teams with high expectations that have been dubbed frontrunners for the National Championship. USC, LSU, Oklahoma and Alabama are all being given high odds to win the big one. What follows is a well thought out and reasoned argument as to why Big Al won’t be celebrating a 36th National Championship next year. If you’re a close minded, die hard Alabama fan, please keep reading, as this is going to send your blood pressure through the roof. If you’re a fan of any other team, get a neck brace, because you’re going to be nodding your head more than a Busta Rhymes song because of the truthiness of what follows.

1. Alabama SUCKs:
That is to say that Alabama Suffers from Underperforming Coaching in Kicking. Jeremy Shelley and Cade Foster both performed okay last season, unless there was any sort of pressure to make the Field Goal. A look at the actual stats shows a season total 63.9% Field Goals made (23 of 36 total attempts) with the first and second LSU games as standouts. The first LSU game resulted in an abysmal 2 for 6 FGs, while retribution was attained in the National Championship game with 5 for 7 FGs being made. Because the latter stat does not support my argument, it will be thrown out as an outlier. Did the coaching get better over the offseason? My sources (a dachshund puppy named Mr. Pickles) say “no way”. Due to Shelley’s offseason training regimen of eating a large Messe Nachos from Taco Casa on a daily basis, don’t look for this area of Bama’s game to get any better.

2. Alabama will BLOWW:
Another acronym here. This one means that Alabama will Be Left Out by Westcoast Writers. A general sense of SEC fatigue, fatigue over teams from the state of Alabama (3INTHELAST3YEARSWOOOOOOOOOOO), and fatigue with Alabama in particular will lead to a media conspiracy to keep the Tide out of the National Championship game at any cost. Watch as Kirk Herbstreit pumps up USC’s weak schedule and coyly wipes his mouth after “picking up a dropped fork” under Matt Barkley’s table. There isn’t a playoff to help the Tide until next year, so look for the media to use this last year under the old BCS system to keep the crimson man down.

3. Alabama will lose at least 1 game this year:
Last year, a close loss to the number 1 ranked team, followed by a ridiculous confluence of events (literally everything that happened after November 5th favored UA. They really should have bought a few lottery tickets or something) led to THE REMATCH in the National Championship. This led to an SEC team finally losing in the National Championship, and a nationwide outcry by everyone else that “stuff is unfair, and stuff”. This year when the Crimson Tide loses a game, you can be rest assured that will spell the end to their championship aspirations. Most of the pundits say that LSU is the Tide’s biggest threat. My guess is that they’ll win at LSU, but probably lay an egg at Tennessee or against Mississippi State. I refuse to address Michigan as a threat to anything but the Olive Garden’s supply of soup, salad, and breadsticks.

4. AJ McCarron is Insane:
Part of the evidence for this is heresay, but that has never stopped anyone before and what are we in a court of law or something mister lawyer I didn’t think so. We first turn to the NC MVP’s badass tattoo, which we have previously described as a Baptist Coat of Arms. The sheer ridiculousness of his subtle chest tattoo immediately calls his sanity into question. Additionally, the roommate of a current football player has relayed to me McCarron’s apparently legitimate belief that the United States Government is controlled by aliens who direct our every move. Actually, this could be a plus or minus , as anyone that awesomely insane could be a weapon if directed properly. If not directed properly, he could be a ticking time bomb under center, just waiting to cause a loss.

5. This is Vandy’s Year:
The finally nail in the coffin for UA is the event that will provide the basis for GI Joe 3: The Rise of Vanderbilt. Let’s face it, this is Vandy’s year. Fiesty coach? Check. A quarterback on the roster who is obviously related to Stephen Colbert? Check. A destiny mandated by the gods of three out of four major worldwide religions? CHECK. You might as well buy a sleeping car ticket on the Commodore train now, because you don’t want to look like one of those jackass bandwagon fans jumping on halfway through the season after James Franklin’s squad dry humps Florida into submission on October 13th.

 So there you have it. Sorry, Bama Nation. There’s nothing that I can do. It do what it do, baby boo. Console yourselves with the fact that as long as Nick Saban is your coach, you’re only one top 3 recruiting class away from being in contention again, and only 7 to 9 blown ACLs from being out of contention. Those are good odds, my friends.

Sexy Recap Time!

Didn’t watch all the games yesterday? Never fear! We’re here to make sure that you know the lowdown on this weekend’s hottest (and saddest) games. As Jay Z says, “On to the Next One” :

Alabama beat the ever living Christ out of Kent State 48-7. Now some of you might say that Kent State sucks, and you would be correct, but it doesn’t make my initial statement any less true.

The Alabama Running Backs look like they have Mark Morrison’s cover of “Return of the Mack” on loop in their heads, while the Crimson Quarterbacks seem to have a bit of Jersey Confusion, with both QBs logging an impressive 2 interceptions apiece. As long as they don't have to throw the ball, ever, they'll win a lot of games.

Auburn continued their tradition of making a 6 beer girl look like a Playmate in their 42-38 victory over Utah State. We have the ability to make any team look good and require a herculean effort to beat (see Northwestern in the bowl game in 2009, or Kentucky last year). To be fair, this is a Utah State team that has made a habit of challenging solid teams in the first game of the year (see Oklahoma in the first game of last year). To be unfair, their Freshman Quarterback made our defense look like they didn't understand the basic rules of football.

LSU thumped Oregon so hard that their kids are going to be born dizzy, winning 40-27. It's nice to see that one of the teams from the SEC with a big week one non-conference game decided to show up. When asked for comment, LSU coach Les Miles looked up from the jar of paste he was eating by the handful and said, "Do you have any more of this stuff?"

Georgia continued Head Coach Mark Richt's "Please Fire Me Before the End of the Season" campaign by giving up a 35-21 loss to Boise State. Throughout the next week, some people may try to tell you that this makes Boise a legitimate National Title contender, as they have slain an unkillable fire eating robot bulldog from the mythical god-land known only in whispers as the SEC. These same people also fail to remember that Georgia is a shitty team who, over the last 5 years, has consistently recruited very well and then done less with more than any other team in the SEC. Also, Boise's schedule is still pathetically weak. Troy literally has a harder schedule than them. Troy. Let that sink in slowly before you say anything nice about Boise.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Notre Dame, who was ranked 16th in the nation preseason, on purpose, by people who are supposed to know something about football, lost 23-20 to South Florida. This was going to be Notre Dame's year! In other news, the NBC executive who paid millions of dollars to Notre Dame for an extended contract to exclusively show their games was found dead of completely not suspicious causes.

TCU got monkeystomped by Baylor 50-48. Baylor's Quarterback, Robert Griffin III, could not be reached for comment, as he was still wiping his ass with TCU's defense. And thus end's the Big East's great white hope for a National Championship.

Is There An Alabama Scandal On The Horizon?

This past week a glowing story by Yahoo! Sports (I absolutely hate typing the exclamation point when referencing Yahoo) made the University of Miami look like the most corrupt football program in the country since SMU went full retard in the mid 80’s and got themselves a good ‘ol death penalty from the NCAA.

If you don’t want to read the whole article (and I assure you, you do), I’ll summarize: Basically all of Miami’s coaching staff participated in a bunch of bad stuff with formerly wealthy booster (and current Ponzi scheme convict) Nevin Shapiro, including providing cash payments, free boat rides, and whores to prospective players. Mr. Shapiro is currently serving an extended sentence in Federal Prison for running the Ponzi scheme that gave him the money to buy hookers for football players, and has decided that ratting out Miami is the only sensible thing to do.

So how does this involve Alabama, you might ask? It turns out that after Randy Shannon was fired as Miami’s coach, his staff decided to find other Universities where they can put their battle hardened hooker delivery skills to use. Two of the coaches specifically named in the report, Jeff Stoutland and Joe Pannunzio, found new jobs at the University of Alabama. Stoutland is the new offensive line coach with a two year contract at $395k, while Pannunzio is the new Director of Football Operations.

If you listen to Paul Finebaum’s daily radio show (which is much like a train wreck in slow motion: You want to look away, but it is so awesome that you can’t), you will have heard a significant hubbub about the hiring of these two former Miami coaches, and how Nick Saban has some “questions that need to be answered”. Radio shows and news outlets alike are having a blast speculating about this link between Alabama and the Miami scandal.

As much as I love a good scandal, and I really do, this is a whole lot of nothing that folks are getting themselves worked up over. There are two basic explanations for the hiring of both Stoutland and Pannunzio:
1. Both men were asked at some point in the hiring process if they had any sort of improprieties in their past, and they both lied.
2. Alabama hired both men with at least some knowledge that they had committed pretty severe NCAA violations while coaching at Miami.

Seeing how well Nick Saban appears to run the Alabama program, which of these two situations seems most likely? I’ll give you a hint. Use the principle of Occam’s Razor, which is basically that the simplest answer is usually also the correct one.

The worst thing that Alabama is dealing with is that the University was lied to during the hiring process, which should make it pretty easy to dismiss both guys if that is the case. To subscribe to the other theory is to believe that Alabama knowingly hired not one, but two ticking time bombs on their staff. This is stupid for so many reasons, not the least of which is that Alabama already totally has a guy on staff who delivers the players to hookers paid for by boosters*, and he’s doing a fantastic job.

*Allegedly. And by “allegedly”, I mean I made this up entirely, but it’s probably true.

Alabama's Quarterback Might Be Retarded

I say "might", because AJ McCarron is only the suspected frontrunner for the Quarterback job at the University of Alabama. I say "retarded" because of the stunningly questionable placement and size of said tattoo. It doesn't help that in the above photo, the tattoo in question kind of looks like a tiger's head looking to the left, and that he is kind of rocking a summer beer gut.

This may be old news to the forum lurkers among you, but I had not heard about it until today. A close up of said tattoo leads us to the first ever Dammit Herring tattoo critique:

First, props for using Jesus. I can appreciate and fully approve of religious themed body art. But, as they say, the devil is in the details. The "Bama Boy" up top leaves very little room for a "this didn't work out so let's transfer to another school" situation, should Philip Sims edge you out for the QB slot. The graffiti-like names placed across the piece are probably tributes to family members, but they look kind of busy. The dove fits well with the Christ theme, as well as serving a reminder that you can pull some serious John Woo shit under center. The "McCarron" across the bottom is actually my favorite part, as it makes the whole thing look like some crazy ass Baptist Coat of Arms.

Overall: B+ for originality with some minor deductions for how busy it looks.

The 2011 Alabama Crimson Tide: On to the Next One?

Let’s get this out of the way now: Alabama’s defense is going to be filthy good this year. This, and a favorable schedule, account for the Tide’s #2 preseason ranking in the US Today Coach’s Poll. After last year’s learning experiences for some very young players, particularly the secondary, and a slower than expected return to form by Linebacker Dont’a Hightower, the Crimson Tide is returning 10 experienced starters on a defense that looks to be the best not just in the SEC, but the country. Buy the hype on this side of the ball, because it’s worth every penny. This group is going to be stingier than a Tea Party Enthusiast walking by a homeless guy.

On offense, it’s going to be much more of a mixed bag. Sure, you have returning third year running back Trent Richardson, who is going to be better and more experienced than he has in the last two years. Think about that for a minute. The guy was a beast as a true Freshman, and had some fans saying he was giving Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram a run for his money in 2009. Richardson was solid last year, but again waited in Ingram’s shadow to take the reigns as the feature back. I don’t expect him to waste the opportunity in 2011. Behind Richardson, depth is a little less stable. Number two back Eddie Lacy has had well documented troubles holding onto the ball and is already dinged up with a minor pectoral injury. Third in line, the much heralded Dee Hart, is already out due to a season ending knee injury, leaving either incoming Freshman Jalston Fowler or possibly Redshirt Freshman Blake Sims as a third option. An injury to Richardson could be catastrophic to Alabama’s offensive production.

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The quarterback situation doesn’t bode as well. With an undecided competition between Redshirt Sophomore AJ McCarron (who actually believes that the United States Government is run by aliens. Seriously. How awesome is that?) and Redshirt Freshman Phillip Sims, there is no stability or significant experience at quarterback. Both QBs have strong potential to be very good under center, but the lack of experience is a concern, and first year quarterbacks don’t typically fare well in the SEC. Whoever wins the starting job will be helped by an offensive line returning four starters, including Center William Vlachos, and Right Guard/Left Tackle Barrett Jones. The fact that these guys have significant game experience is going to help out the QB tremendously, no matter which line position they end up on.

With star Wide Receiver Julio Jones heading out early to Atlanta Falcons, Alabama is left without a proven deep threat receiver. Seniors Marquis Maze and Darius Hanks are both proven receivers, but benefited significantly from the constant defensive double teams that Julio commanded. It will be interesting to see whether Maze or Hanks steps up, or whether JuCo transfer Duron Carter (son of former NFL Receiver Cris Carter) can fill in the gap.

Alabama’s schedule is about as favorable as you can get in the SEC. Two of their three toughest games, Arkansas on Sept 24th and LSU on Nov 5th, are at home in Bryant Denny Stadium, while they face Auburn at Jordan Hare on Nov 26th. The only other potential hiccups on the schedule are a visit to Florida on Oct 1st and a visit to Mississippi State on Nov 12th. I’m completely discounting Penn. State, Vandy, Ole Miss, and Tennessee because they suck. At worst, I see the Crimson Tide going 10-2 on the season. At best, we could have the sixth National Championship in a row from the SEC, and the third in a row from the state of Alabama.

The Cristal Baller: Alabama

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

[Editor’s note: Kirk and I switched off UA and AU because it’s more fun that way]

Last season, the Alabama Crimson Tide was the semi-Cinderella story of the SEC, going undefeated in the regular season, and losing their last two games in a solid effort against eventual National Champ Florida, and a flat performance against Utah in the Sugar Bowl.

This season, Alabama’s defense looks FILTHY good. Like top 3 in the nation good. They return almost all of their starters, who now have the benefit of another season’s worth of experience under their belt. Offense is the big question mark, having to replace LT (not an easy task since Andre Smith was probably the best LT in the country) and C, while also slotting in new QB Greg McElroy. Look for the Tide to have a rough time offensively (first year QBs in the SEC don’t historically fare very well, especially with two starting OL replacements), but more than compensate with their defensive performance, because we all know defense is what really wins games in the SEC.

Season Predictions: 9-3

Alabama 17 Virginia Tech 14
Look for Bama’s offense to sputter a bit here as they try and get things going against a solid VA Tech squad with an experienced offense. Alabama’s defense will be the key here, more than covering for any offensive miscues.

Alabama 28 Florida International 10
It’s a gimme game. FIU has gotten better in the last few years, but they won’t be able to hang. I’m calling 10 points for FIU because in the 4th, Saban will be putting fans in on D.

Alabama 31 North Texas 14
We’ll call this one “generic sequel to the FIU game” and pretty much be done with it. What the hell, I’m going to predict Bama to have a defensive TD this game. Now it’s interesting.

Arkansas 27 Alabama 24
Everyone is calling Arkansas the dark horse of the SEC west, and I’m inclined to agree. Petrino’s offense looks like it poised to finally take off. I think after two slouch games, the Tide get edged out in the 4th by a field goal.

Alabama 24 Kentucky 10
Kentucky. Fear. These two words do not go together. Much like the words “funny” and “Carlos Mencia”. Again, I’m giving the Wildcats 10 junk points in the 4th because that kind of stuff just happens.

Ole Miss 21* Alabama 17
This prediction has an asterisk beside it because I’m assuming that no more Ole Miss players are going to be arrested for drug possession/DUI or reinjure themselves in car accidents than have already done so. I would give this to Bama, but it’s a home game for the Rebels, who will probably be a bust on the season (they have a tradition of choking) but will somehow pull it together for a home game against the Tide.

South Carolina 17 Alabama 14
This is without a doubt a trap game for Bama. Crammed between Ole Miss and Elaine Kiffin’s squad, Spurrier’s Cocks are in the perfect position for an upset. I think this will be a defensive battle, and could just as easily reverse the scores having Bama win by a FG. For some reason I have a feeling that Spurrier is going to get away with one this year.

Alabama 35 Tennessee 0
This is going to be ugly. I see Bama’s D venting two weeks worth of losses (or at least one, I don’t think they’ll get by both Ole Miss and SC unscathed) on the poor Volunteers. I see this one playing out like last year’s Iron Bowl, only far worse (if that’s possible).

Alabama 28 LSU 21
Bama home game + close win last year + LSU being overrated = Bama beating another team with a cat mascot. I attribute the bulk of LSU’s points to a too-late comeback attempt in the 4th quarter.

Alabama 31 Mississippi St. 6
Dan Mullen is going to have a rough year. Thankfully no one expects him to do anything but get drummed this year. Look for him to meet those expectations in this game.

Alabama 24 Chattanooga 3
Another gimme game. The lower than average score against a low tier team is entirely due to my expectation that Saban will be resting starters prior to the Iron Bowl.

Alabama 21 Auburn 14
And speaking of the Iron Bowl, I look for Auburn to put up a better showing than last year. Ultimately this game will come down to the fact that Bama was smart enough to pick a starting QB in the spring, and the OL and the QB should have enough experience under their belts to win, even in Jordan-Hare.

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape is here again! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

Ugh. It actually physically pains me to write this. This week’s recipient of surprise sex is none other than my beloved Auburn Tigers, who were absolutely destroyed by the Alabama Crimson Tide (tell me that doesn’t make you think of a period) 36 – 0. Not only was it a shutout, but if you put that through the SEC to Other Conferences score converter, it works out to more like 100 – 0. I actually stopped watching this game continuously halfway through the third quarter. After that it was just popping back into the room to watch a disastrous play or two, and finally to see the backup UA quarterback, McElroy, hang a quick touchdown on us for good measure. Ugh. This was the kid who they wouldn’t let play during the Tulane game, mind you, and they put him in against us… and he scored… Damn that’s depressing. I know it’s been four days since this game, but my ass still hurts.