Sexy Recap Time!

Didn’t watch all the games yesterday? Never fear! We’re here to make sure that you know the lowdown on this weekend’s hottest (and saddest) games. As Jay Z says, “On to the Next One” :

Alabama beat the ever living Christ out of Kent State 48-7. Now some of you might say that Kent State sucks, and you would be correct, but it doesn’t make my initial statement any less true.

The Alabama Running Backs look like they have Mark Morrison’s cover of “Return of the Mack” on loop in their heads, while the Crimson Quarterbacks seem to have a bit of Jersey Confusion, with both QBs logging an impressive 2 interceptions apiece. As long as they don't have to throw the ball, ever, they'll win a lot of games.

Auburn continued their tradition of making a 6 beer girl look like a Playmate in their 42-38 victory over Utah State. We have the ability to make any team look good and require a herculean effort to beat (see Northwestern in the bowl game in 2009, or Kentucky last year). To be fair, this is a Utah State team that has made a habit of challenging solid teams in the first game of the year (see Oklahoma in the first game of last year). To be unfair, their Freshman Quarterback made our defense look like they didn't understand the basic rules of football.

LSU thumped Oregon so hard that their kids are going to be born dizzy, winning 40-27. It's nice to see that one of the teams from the SEC with a big week one non-conference game decided to show up. When asked for comment, LSU coach Les Miles looked up from the jar of paste he was eating by the handful and said, "Do you have any more of this stuff?"

Georgia continued Head Coach Mark Richt's "Please Fire Me Before the End of the Season" campaign by giving up a 35-21 loss to Boise State. Throughout the next week, some people may try to tell you that this makes Boise a legitimate National Title contender, as they have slain an unkillable fire eating robot bulldog from the mythical god-land known only in whispers as the SEC. These same people also fail to remember that Georgia is a shitty team who, over the last 5 years, has consistently recruited very well and then done less with more than any other team in the SEC. Also, Boise's schedule is still pathetically weak. Troy literally has a harder schedule than them. Troy. Let that sink in slowly before you say anything nice about Boise.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Notre Dame, who was ranked 16th in the nation preseason, on purpose, by people who are supposed to know something about football, lost 23-20 to South Florida. This was going to be Notre Dame's year! In other news, the NBC executive who paid millions of dollars to Notre Dame for an extended contract to exclusively show their games was found dead of completely not suspicious causes.

TCU got monkeystomped by Baylor 50-48. Baylor's Quarterback, Robert Griffin III, could not be reached for comment, as he was still wiping his ass with TCU's defense. And thus end's the Big East's great white hope for a National Championship.

The Cristal Baller: Georgia

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season found the Dawgs (sick ‘em?) ranked pre-season number 1 with a veteran QB/RB combo of Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno. While they ended up with a respectable 9-3 regular season record, big losses to Alabama, Florida, and Georgia Tech made the season somewhat underwhelming. It didn’t help that the offense sputtered in big situations and the defense gave up an average of almost 26 points per game.

This year’s Georgia team is a bit of a question mark. Playing the role of Matt Stafford this season will be Jr. QB Joe Cox. From my own personal experience, QBs with Cox for a last name tend to be slow moving with a penchant for underthrowing receiver’s routes (See: Cox, Brandon), but I wish the Bulldogs the best with him. WR A.J. Green will continue to be a big play threat, but Georgia’s offensive line is going to have to step up for every game to help their inexperienced QB in a conference that traditionally doesn’t fare well for first year starting QBs. The Bulldogs also start their year against a solid Big 12 opponent in Ok. St. which could make or break them on the season. These are by far my most questionable picks because neither I, you, or Lindsey Lohan have a clue as to what Georgia is going to do this season.

Season Predictions: 8-4

Oklahoma St. 28 UGA 17
No matter how I look at this game, I can’t see UGA pulling it out. The cowboys are coming off a very solid 2008 season with more experience and some solid performances against some of the country’s best (including a “much closer that the score indicated” game against Oklahoma). Meanwhile, the Bulldogs are rebuilding their offense around Cox, and their defense is suspect at best.

South Carolina 24 UGA 21
I’ve said before that I think the Gamecocks are going to be a dangerous team this season because of how they play and where they are on certain teams’ schedules. Georgia is one of those teams. Look for SC to succeed where they came up short on their final drive during last year’s nail biter against the Dawgs.

Arkansas 31 UGA 28
I feel like the Arkansas offense is going to hit their stride this year and make some serious waves in the SEC. This will be one of those games, as the Razorback offense is coming in with home field advantage and even more experience than last year against an inconsistent UGA defense. Arkansas’ offense simply matches up better against UGA’s defense than vice versa, and that’s going to make the difference.

UGA 24 Arizona St. 10
This should almost be a repeat of last year’s game (which ended with a Dawgs win 27-10). The Sun Devils could be a threat, but I see the superior talent of Georgia carrying them through this home game easily.

UGA 17 LSU 14
I know what you’re saying at this point, “How the hell does this moron pick UGA to lose to Arkansas but win against LSU?!?!?!” This is how: LSU is OVERRATED this year, and this is a home game for the Bulldogs. I think this will be one of the best SEC games of the year, and will come down to Les Miles yet again making some incomprehensibly dumbshit call to attempt to win the game, except this time lady luck will give him a dirty sanchez and laugh at him.

UGA 28 Tennessee 14
Yes, I know that Tennessee has Eric Berry on defense, but he’s about all they’ve got. Look for an inexperienced Georgia squad with talent to railroad a less talented Tennessee squad that should be gasping for breath at this point under rookie SEC head coach Elaine Kiffen. I’m kind of hoping that Cox starts putting things together at this point in the season.

UGA 21 Vandy 10
Even building on last year’s success, I can’t see the Commodores topping UGA this year, unless the Bulldogs are absolutely decimated with injuries at this point. Look for a close game in the first quarter, followed by Georgia extending their lead and giving up some garbage points in the 4th.

Florida 38 UGA 10
I can actually see why Georgia coach Mark Richt wanted to move the GA/FL game to a “more neutral site” like Atlanta, because who the hell wants to play football in Jacksonville in late October (when it’s still damn hot). Don’t pay any attention to the fact that the stadium is almost always split 50/50 between FL and GA fans. Oh, the game? That’s not going to go well for the Bulldogs, who I expect to lose 2 players to injuries/being eaten because of Brandon Spikes alone.

UGA 28 Tenn. Tech 6
This is a gimme game. I’m looking for the Bulldogs to vent some serious frustration on the… hold on a second… this takes forever to load… (there it is!) Golden Eagles. Whew. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to figure out that mystery in time, but there you go.

UGA 24 Auburn 17
The Auburn defense will hold up well against the Bulldogs, but will eventually wear down due to offensive miscues by the Tigers. I hope to God that I’m wrong on this pick, but frankly I don’t think I am. Aw shucks, the fact that this game is being played in Athens doesn’t help matters much. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.

UGA 31 Kentucky 10
By this point in the season I think we’ll see Rich Brooks’ squad run down and out of what little luck they had to start the season, while Cox and the UGA offense should be getting their feet under them a bit. Look for garbage points for Kentucky in the 4th and tears from Rich Brooks’ eyes in the 3rd.

UGA 24 Georgia Tech 17
The Dawgs come into this little affair with a bit of a chip on their shoulder after a soul crushing loss to the Yellow Jackets last year. I heard that Mark Richt needed a whole box of Oreos and a pint of Hagen Daas to get over last years loss. This year he will be celebrating with the same menu.

Me Manifesto on Auburn/Georgia

Editor’s Note: Yup, this is a week late, but Auburn didn’t play this weekend, so it’s still valid and… what? No, you shut up.

If I could figure out how to give these posts subtitles, this one would be: The one where I didn’t say “fuck” in front of a little kid.

The game was a lot better than I thought it would be, what with us leading in score for about a quarter of the game, and Kodi the Burninator (yay!) throwing for 179 yards and 1 TD with absolutely no picks (yay again!). The Burninator kept showing glimpses of how good I kept expecting him to be all season, but he has yet to have a game where everything clicks into place. This game was no exception, as Kodi went for a passable 16/30, but failed to deliver the ball accurately during the big end-game drive.

Georgia looked flatter than my abs (that’s pretty flat!) with their only bright spots coming from middle to fair showings from Stafford and Moreno, but even then both of those guys were kept reasonably in check by Auburn’s defense (compared to the West Virginia and Ole Miss games, jackass…).

The real story during the 4th quarter was Georgia’s best players, the zebras. This will come off as a bit whiny and fan biased, and perhaps it is, but you shut up and listen first, then complain. Georgia’s last scoring drive was helped along by a phantom pass interference call against Auburn DB Jerraud Powers, which left coach Tuberville spitting mad and glaring at the offending line judge for the next three plays. On the play following the phantom penalty (that was some serious bullshit), Georgia receiver AJ Green pushes down Auburn DB Walter McFadden way past the line to keep him from getting a good angle on the ball and an interception and… oh what’s that? No flag. A blatant offensive pass interference incident just went uncalled because I’m assuming the same line judge who flagged the previous play was glaring back at Tubbs.

Georgia in effect receives 30 free yards on that series and manages to put up a good throw from Stafford to Green for a TD, taking the lead 17 - 13. Georgia gets Auburn to punt on the next series, goes 3 and out, and pins Auburn back to their 20 or so. The Burninator leads us on a very decent drive with two very solid third down conversions (these are some of the moments where I see Burns’ potential). Auburn gets down to the Georgia 14, and on a 3rd and 1 play, the left side Auburn receiver is blatantly fouled by the Georgia DB (names escape me at this point because I was so incredulous at the turn of events), and once again, the zebras miss it.

I’m not going to be one of these jackasses who says the the refs “cost us the game”, as we had another down on 4th and 1 with 13 seconds left and still failed to get it done, and Burns overthrew Tate in the end zone. But what the refs did was cost Auburn the opportunity to win the game, and stack the odds in Georgia’s favor significantly with a net results of 45 yards that all went in Georgia’s favor. I realize that Georgia was penalized out the wazoo during the first half with 9 penalties for 95 yards, but when the game was on the line, the officials failed to keep it fair. Granted, Auburn has been stagnant in the red zone all year, and Saturday’s game was no exception, but to miss that pass interference call at such a key point in the game is inexcusable. I hope that Tubbs and Auburn file some sort of grievance, for all the fucking good that will do.

On the plus side, I saw an Auburn team that really looked alive for one of the few times this season, and saw the potential for some good things if the administration and Board of Directors stops fucking with this program like it’s a veteran porn star two years past her prime. Oh, and I didn’t say “fuck” or any of the other choice words I had floating in my head for the zebras because a little kid was around at the place where I was watching the game, so good for me.