Sexy Recap Time!

Didn’t watch all the games yesterday? Never fear! We’re here to make sure that you know the lowdown on this weekend’s hottest (and saddest) games. As Jay Z says, “On to the Next One” :

Alabama beat the ever living Christ out of Kent State 48-7. Now some of you might say that Kent State sucks, and you would be correct, but it doesn’t make my initial statement any less true.

The Alabama Running Backs look like they have Mark Morrison’s cover of “Return of the Mack” on loop in their heads, while the Crimson Quarterbacks seem to have a bit of Jersey Confusion, with both QBs logging an impressive 2 interceptions apiece. As long as they don't have to throw the ball, ever, they'll win a lot of games.

Auburn continued their tradition of making a 6 beer girl look like a Playmate in their 42-38 victory over Utah State. We have the ability to make any team look good and require a herculean effort to beat (see Northwestern in the bowl game in 2009, or Kentucky last year). To be fair, this is a Utah State team that has made a habit of challenging solid teams in the first game of the year (see Oklahoma in the first game of last year). To be unfair, their Freshman Quarterback made our defense look like they didn't understand the basic rules of football.

LSU thumped Oregon so hard that their kids are going to be born dizzy, winning 40-27. It's nice to see that one of the teams from the SEC with a big week one non-conference game decided to show up. When asked for comment, LSU coach Les Miles looked up from the jar of paste he was eating by the handful and said, "Do you have any more of this stuff?"

Georgia continued Head Coach Mark Richt's "Please Fire Me Before the End of the Season" campaign by giving up a 35-21 loss to Boise State. Throughout the next week, some people may try to tell you that this makes Boise a legitimate National Title contender, as they have slain an unkillable fire eating robot bulldog from the mythical god-land known only in whispers as the SEC. These same people also fail to remember that Georgia is a shitty team who, over the last 5 years, has consistently recruited very well and then done less with more than any other team in the SEC. Also, Boise's schedule is still pathetically weak. Troy literally has a harder schedule than them. Troy. Let that sink in slowly before you say anything nice about Boise.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Notre Dame, who was ranked 16th in the nation preseason, on purpose, by people who are supposed to know something about football, lost 23-20 to South Florida. This was going to be Notre Dame's year! In other news, the NBC executive who paid millions of dollars to Notre Dame for an extended contract to exclusively show their games was found dead of completely not suspicious causes.

TCU got monkeystomped by Baylor 50-48. Baylor's Quarterback, Robert Griffin III, could not be reached for comment, as he was still wiping his ass with TCU's defense. And thus end's the Big East's great white hope for a National Championship.

LoLCats: Notre Dame a l’orange edition

In all of the ruckus surrounding Texas Tech’s asswhupping at the hands of Oklahoma, you may have missed that Syracuse, you know, the team that was so bad that they weep openly before games and whose only wins were over Northeastern (that’s a school?) and Louisville, beat the Notre Dame Faltering Irish 24-23.

Nah, you probably didn’t miss that. You, like the bulk of Americans, were squealing with glee as the final score update flashed across the bottom of the screen of whatever tolerable football game you were watching, because you sure as hell weren’t watching this sad excuse for a game. And if you were, would you like to clean my car for free, since you obviously have a tremendous amount of unproductive free time at your disposal.

So to recap, Charlie Weiss is now 28-20 in four years at Notre Dame, giving him approximately the same winning percentages as previous Irish coaches Bob Davie and the much maligned Tyrone Willingham. Kudos go to the ND athletic department, who managed to replace a tolerable coach in Willingham with an insufferable lardass who had one good year off of Willingham’s players, and has consistently led the Irish to ruin since then. The cats… they are laughing at you.

Irish Eyes are Smiling

In what is sure to be the feel good story of the year for pretentious bandwagon fans of non-conference schools, "Rudy" has returned to Notre Dame. Well, not exactly, but Notre Dame is so desperate for players that they are playing a 5'9", 175 lb man-dwarf walk on named Mike Anello (pictured above, at right) on special teams.

I can hear the Notre Dame fans now, "But Drew, he has HEART! It's just like that nice actor who won an Oscar in Jerry Maguire, but then went on to do Boat Trip, said! He has Quan!" This is entirely true. Anyone who is shorter than I am and only weighs 20 lbs more than me who is willing to step on a Division 1A college football field for something other than a photo op has tremendous heart, and is also a moron.

Anello made a crucial play against the Michigan school for the deaf and blind last week, and had four (yes, I said FOUR) solo tackles against San Diego State. Please hold your applause for the end. He is a student section favorite for his story's resemblance to that of Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger. But wait, there's more! Anello actually knows Rudy's nephew in real life! Through wrestling! Well then this story is exactly like Daniel Ruettiger's struggle to not only get into Notre Dame against the odds but play football for the Irish, except I find it nowhere near as inspiring as Sean Aston's cinematic portrayal.

What I'm trying to say here is that Notre Dame is back, Lou Holtz was right, and the Irish will be in a BCS bowl by the end of Rocktober. This crow, it tastes bitter.