Sexy Recap Time!

Didn’t watch all the games yesterday? Never fear! We’re here to make sure that you know the lowdown on this weekend’s hottest (and saddest) games. As Jay Z says, “On to the Next One” :

Alabama beat the ever living Christ out of Kent State 48-7. Now some of you might say that Kent State sucks, and you would be correct, but it doesn’t make my initial statement any less true.

The Alabama Running Backs look like they have Mark Morrison’s cover of “Return of the Mack” on loop in their heads, while the Crimson Quarterbacks seem to have a bit of Jersey Confusion, with both QBs logging an impressive 2 interceptions apiece. As long as they don't have to throw the ball, ever, they'll win a lot of games.

Auburn continued their tradition of making a 6 beer girl look like a Playmate in their 42-38 victory over Utah State. We have the ability to make any team look good and require a herculean effort to beat (see Northwestern in the bowl game in 2009, or Kentucky last year). To be fair, this is a Utah State team that has made a habit of challenging solid teams in the first game of the year (see Oklahoma in the first game of last year). To be unfair, their Freshman Quarterback made our defense look like they didn't understand the basic rules of football.

LSU thumped Oregon so hard that their kids are going to be born dizzy, winning 40-27. It's nice to see that one of the teams from the SEC with a big week one non-conference game decided to show up. When asked for comment, LSU coach Les Miles looked up from the jar of paste he was eating by the handful and said, "Do you have any more of this stuff?"

Georgia continued Head Coach Mark Richt's "Please Fire Me Before the End of the Season" campaign by giving up a 35-21 loss to Boise State. Throughout the next week, some people may try to tell you that this makes Boise a legitimate National Title contender, as they have slain an unkillable fire eating robot bulldog from the mythical god-land known only in whispers as the SEC. These same people also fail to remember that Georgia is a shitty team who, over the last 5 years, has consistently recruited very well and then done less with more than any other team in the SEC. Also, Boise's schedule is still pathetically weak. Troy literally has a harder schedule than them. Troy. Let that sink in slowly before you say anything nice about Boise.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Notre Dame, who was ranked 16th in the nation preseason, on purpose, by people who are supposed to know something about football, lost 23-20 to South Florida. This was going to be Notre Dame's year! In other news, the NBC executive who paid millions of dollars to Notre Dame for an extended contract to exclusively show their games was found dead of completely not suspicious causes.

TCU got monkeystomped by Baylor 50-48. Baylor's Quarterback, Robert Griffin III, could not be reached for comment, as he was still wiping his ass with TCU's defense. And thus end's the Big East's great white hope for a National Championship.

The Cristal Baller: LSU

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

With an obscene amount of talent and a little bit of pure luck (such as West Virginia losing to Pitt) LSU won a national title two years ago. Then they lost Glenn Dorsey, Matt Flynn, Jacob Hester, and Early Doucet to the NFL and “Superstar” Ryan Perrilloux to drugs, gambling, and Jacksonville State. So Les Miles tried to pull the same bag of tricks out of his hat with an inferior team. They went 7-5. *Cough*

Guess what though? LSU will probably return to good form this year, they still have a lot talent and a good quarterback in Jordan Jefferson. Most of LSU’s problem last year was that they had no quarterback play. Jefferson will have a great target in Brandon LaFell and Heisman candidate Charles Scott might be the best running back in the SEC this year. I like LSU to rebound in a big way this year. Look for “The Hat” to be back up to his old tricks.

Season Predictions: 10-2

LSU 31 Washington 13
LSU comes out firing right off the bat and spanks a still struggling Washington team. Look for Charles Scott to shred a weak Washington defense behind big LSU OT Cirion Black. Washington will be unable to move the ball against a tough SEC defense.

LSU 24 Vanderbilt 10
Look for a surprisingly close game going into the second half and then look for the Tigers to start imposing their will on the Commodores. Don’t be surprised if you see the defense get into the scoring act and help the offense out.

LSU 42 Louisiana-Lafayette 21
Will the in-state Rajun Cajuns be able to hang with the Tigers? No they will not. Jefferson, Scott, and LaFell should all be resting comfortably by the end of the third quarter. I know Troy almost beat the Tigers last year, but the Rajun Cajun’s are not the Trojans. LSU should dominate.

LSU 27 Mississippi State 16
The last time that LSU played State in Starkville they won 45-0, but I think Dan Mullen will have the team a little more prepared than Sylvester Croom. The Bulldogs will hang with the Tigers like Vandy till LSU’s superior talent flexes its muscles and pulls away.

Georgia 31 LSU 24
Despite what happened last year during the Bama black-out, Sanford Stadium is not the easiest Stadium to play in. Many teams have been defeated “between the hedges.” I really like Georgia in this contest. Sure they have a new QB and RB but the O-line might be the best in the country (yes I know what I’m talking about). I like Cox to score a 4th quarter TD to put the Bulldogs on top.

Florida 31 LSU 24
Mark it down right now. This will be the game that scares the life out of the Florida nation and almost ruins their perfect season. I not only LSU will hang with Gators, but they will be leading at the end of the third quarter. Then look for Tebow (also known as the Blessed Virgin to Florida fans) to dig deep and rescue his team with some last minute heroics.

LSU 30 Auburn 14
I really despise both of these teams. But I guess I’ll be okay with LSU dominating Auburn on both sides of the ball and sacking Chris Todd into oblivion about 60 times as the LSU D-Line easily pushes around the Auburn O-Line.

LSU 34 Tulane 0
Believe or not this is considered a rivalry game for these two teams. I don’t really understand that. In LSU’s first shutout of the year I like Tulane to completely fold under the weight of a team whose second string team is better than their starters. Fun Fact: to call this rivalry game Tulane, you might have to win one or two.

LSU 31 Alabama 21
Must we go into this game? It almost killed me just to write that score line. LSU beats Bama which makes their upcoming match against Ole Miss a playoff game to see who goes to Atlanta. I hate this prediction, but . . . I hate this prediction.

LSU 30 Louisiana Tech 17
Tech is no pushover but I don’t see them putting up much of a fight against LSU. Miles will probably show off some of his freshmen. He will rest some of his starters after a lead is secured in preparation for the Ole Miss game. Look for this to become five star WR recruit Reuben Randle’s coming out party, in football not homosexuality.

LSU 24 Ole Miss 17
Back to Atlanta the LSU Tigers will go if my predictions are right. LSU gets revenge for the bayou beat-down hey received last year. I really like Jordan Jefferson to make some smart throws to LaFell and others and secure a win at Oxford.

LSU 41 Arkansas 28
Revenge on Bama? Check. Revenge on Ole Miss? Check. Revenge on Arkansas? Big check. The LSU D lets some points slip through but their offense easily outplays a very shoddy Razorback defense. And so the SEC Championship looms for the Tigers. Will it be a rematch with Florida? Yes it will be.

Welcome to Thunderdome, Bitch: Auburn/LSU Preview

We now find ourselves three days and some change away from Auburn’s first big SEC test this year. We’ve seen the Auburn bounce back and forth between quarterbacks, show very little life on offense, and put up one of the best defenses in the nation. The first SEC game against Miss. St. proved that the defense was every bit as good as we thought, and that the offense was floundering worse than we had feared.

Meanwhile, LSU comes in with a solid overall team, with their only question marks coming from inexperienced quarterbacks, and potential weaknesses in the secondary. These Tigers are coming off a national championship and are driven to prove that they aren’t going to fall prey to the post-NC slump that has afflicted many teams in the past.

Auburn comes into this game with one huge advantage, and that is Jordan-Hare Stadium. As you’ve probably heard everywhere else, LSU hasn’t won in Jordan-Hare since September 1998. The Auburn fan base is going to come into this game hyped up for the first really big game of the season, while LSU’s fans will smell like corn dogs (Seriously, read that work of genius). Let’s cover both sides of the ball to see who has what going for them:

Offense:
Both teams are suffering at quarterback. Each team has two QBs, neither of whom have been particularly productive for either team. Look for some serious attempts to step up on the part of the quarterbacks to result in a turnover or two, due to how great both defenses are.

LSU has an advantage on the offensive line, with more experience over Auburn’s front four. Auburn’s line proved to be especially penalty prone during the Miss. St. game, and this gives LSU even more of an edge.

Both teams are fairly even in the running game, with Auburn running up 622 rushing yards over three games and LSU having 482 rushing yards over two games. Yes, LSU has only played cupcakes, and 216 of those yards came against a more than pathetic North Texas team, but Auburn also played LA-Monroe and hung 321 on them, so it’s more or less a draw. The one big negative for Auburn’s running corps is that they seem to have trouble holding on to the ball.

Defense:
The defense is where both of these teams shine. Both D-Lines are strong and fast, and have the potential to create turnovers on every down. Both teams are very strong against the run, but the edge on run defense goes to Auburn, simply because they’ve faced a decent ‘back in the form of MS State’s Anthony Dixon. Meanwhile, LSU has had to handle the likes of App. State’s Armanti Edwards and North Texas’ Cam Montgomery. Who? Exactly.

The secondaries may be the stories of the day for both defenses. For Auburn, Walter McFadden has proven to be a suitable replacement at DB for Aairon Savage, but Auburn’s secondary is still fairly inexperienced and allowed Southern Miss. to rack up 268 yards through the air. LSU’s secondary is similarly inexperienced, having given up 187 yards to App. State and 155 yards through the air to North Texas. If either team can get a solid passing game going, they will likely win the game.

Prediction Time:
Look for Auburn to win a very close defensive game that will end up somewhere in the low teens. Also, look for a few surprises (of the good kind) from the Auburn passing attack. Watch for Tony Franklin to glue the ball to the hands of the running corps. On the LSU side, look for their fans to smell like corn dogs.