The Idaho Vandals: Bowl Eligible?!?

Let me hopefully be one of the first people to congratulate the Idaho Vandals for becoming bowl eligible just seven weeks into the college football year. Idaho is 6-1 and 3-0 in the WAC. They also have five more games to improve their record even more, but even if they don’t win one more game they have had their best season in a decade. To explain how bad they were the last decade let me list their season records for you.
2002: 2-10
2003: 3-9
2004: 3-9
2005: 2-9
2006: 4-8
2007: 1-11
2008: 2-10
Their best record was a 4-8. Their last and only bowl appearance was in the Humanitarian Bowl in 1998 where they defeated the Southern Miss Golden Eagles 42-35. A 6-6 record this year will probably not secure a bowl bid for the Vandals. They would at least need one more win to have a chance at a bowl, and with games remaining with Boise State, Nevada, and Louisiana Tech they might have some trouble winning that seventh game. They do get Utah State who is pretty terrible, but that one may be tough too. But in a week were Florida, Bama, and Texas struggled I thought it might be fun to recognize a team that is really overachieving. Congratulations to the 2009-10 Idaho Vandals, the world wants to see you in a bowl game.

The Word Of The Day Is "Demoralized"

Auburn just finished up a dismal home game performance against Kentucky, losing 21-14. The Tigers had 311 yards of offense, but the sieve that is out defense let Kentucky streak us for 367 yards, 292 of which were rushing. God help our depleted defense when we have to face Alabama and Mark Ingram in the Iron Bowl.

With today's loss to the third worst team in the SEC, Auburn now takes a significant step towards challenging Georgia as the most demoralized team in the SEC. Ted Roof's defense looked pathetic against Arkansas, and possibly even worse against Kentucky (I would assume, since it was on ESPNU and I don't get that channel).

Frankly, I can't blame Roof and Chizik for all of the problems, as our defense is thinner than the Filo dough that my mom uses to make Baclava. Due to all kinds of fun reasons (mostly Tubberville recruits not being able to get into school) our defense is so thin that our head coach and DC are afraid to blitz. Anyone. Apparently even Kentucky.

The offense had another game filled with miscues, poor performance, and key penalties to help the other team at just the right time. Chris Todd had no success, going 10/24 with 82 yards and one interception. The one bright spot of the game was Ben Tate's 131 rushing yards with 1 TD, but overall the stagnant offense couldn't make anything happen.

So welcome to the second half of the season, Auburn fans. We have a lot of positives, especially the new coaching staff, but our lack of depth and talent is starting to show in a bad way, and the last 5 games are going to be rough. Give this coaching staff a few more recruiting classes, pray that we can recruit a top notch QB, O-Line, D-Line, and all the other positions that we're hurting at, and we'll be back competing for the SEC West in a few years. I would say "at least we're not Mississippi State", but we lost to frickin Kentucky, and it's going to take a hell of an effort from my Tigers for the rest of the season to erase the sting of that loss.

Auburn’s Opponents Are “Turrible”

By my own admission, I am a masochistic sports addict, which in the state of Alabama means that I listen to WJOX sports talk radio on a (too) regular basis. While you can occasionally hear intelligent discussion on this station, it is usually drowned out by the trailer dwelling mouth breathers screaming about “Bammers” this and “Barners” that.

The Bama/Auburn Homer/Hater (depending on which team you support) and WJOX radio personality Paul Finebaum wrote in an article published today that “West Virginia (3-1) is the only team with a winning record that Auburn has beaten” and “When you add up to the record of Auburn's five opponents, the combined mark is 9-14.” This is a valid point, but without the context of the other top teams in the country, it is a very misleading statement. For example, the number 3 team in the country (who should probably be number 1), Alabama, boasts an overall opponent record of 9-12, with just one team, Virginia Tech, with a winning record. Oddly, Mr. Finebaum failed to mention this, or was unaware of it. I’m not saying Alabama isn’t good (they are), but I am pointing out that Finebaum’s argument doesn’t hold water, at least not when compared to other teams.

To compare apples to apples, here is a look at a few of the top teams in football, judged by the same standard that was placed on Auburn:

#1 Florida (4–0) Opponents' Record (8–10) No Opp. w/ winning record

#2 Texas (4–0) Opponents' Record(11–9) LA Monroe/Wyoming/Tex Tech(3-2)

#3 Alabama (5–0) Opponents' Record (9–12) Virginia Tech (4-1)

#4 LSU (5–0) Opponents' Record (11–13) Georgia (3-2)

#5 VT (4–1) Opponents' Record (16–7) AL(5-0), Marsh(3-2), Nebr/Miami(3-1)

#6 Boise St. (5–0) Opponents' Record (7–16) Oregon (4-1)

#7 USC (4–1) Opponents' Record (11–13) Ohio St (4-1), Cal (3-2)

#8 Cincinnati (5–0) Opponents' Record (8–15) Rutgers(3-1), Oreg. St(3-2)

#9 Ohio St. (4–1) Opponents' Record (14–10) USC(4-1), Navy/Illinois/Ind.(3-2)

#10 TCU (4–0) Opponents' Record (7–10) No Opp. w/ winning record

This is why it is absurd to rank teams at this point in the season, and even more ridiculous to rank them in the pre-season. USC has no business near the top ten, with a loss to a 2-3 Washington team who had a lot of heart but who aren’t very good (and don’t bring up their Notre Dame game as a defense, as the Irish are beyond bad this year). Ohio State isn’t even the best team in the Big 11 (that title belongs to Iowa at this point) and they also have a loss to USC, who we’ve already covered. The only one loss team who should be near the top ten is Virginia Tech, who played well against a very strong Alabama squad, and who showed resilience against Nebraska, but struggled against Duke.

Our final “durr” ranking comes from Boise State, who beat an inconsistent Oregon team and will play absolutely no one of any substance for the rest of the season, and whose opponents’ combined record is a stunning 7-16, making Alabama look great, and Auburn look decent by comparison. And this is the best hope for a BCS buster? Unfortunately, pre-season and early season rankings are going nowhere, so I’ll move on.

In looking at the top ten teams, especially five games into the season, I feel like there is a strong argument, especially based on Mr. Finebaum’s criteria, that Auburn is a top ten team. Anyone with one loss five games into the season has no business in the top ten. This year, more than most in recent memory, there is very little clarity in the top 25. Outside of Alabama, Florida, and Texas, you could almost throw the other names in the air, put them in random order, and it would still make almost as much sense as it does now.

Ultimately there is one sure way to move up in the rankings, and that is to keep winning. Hopefully Auburn will continue to do so, but the seven games left in the season are going to be significantly more difficult than the first five. And wouldn’t it be amazing if an undefeated Alabama played an undefeated Auburn in the Iron Bowl? It almost surely won’t happen, but if it does, I totally called it.

Auburn Finally Gets Noticed

After putting up a strong performance against a "defensively solid but offensively patheti-sad" Tennessee squad this weekend and moving to an undefeated 5-0 on the season, the Auburn Tigers have vaulted to 17 in the AP polls and 19 in the Coaches Poll, as shown in this artist's rendering using an attractive woman's bum. Please remind my wife that this is entirely football related.

The Tigers' stellar offense under Gus Malzahn turned in another stalwart performance against Monty Kiffin's "stouter than we would have expected" defense. While the score of 26-22 made the game look closer than it actually was, Tennessee's offense was stunningly bad. I refuse to let all of the blame go to Jonathan Crompton on this one. Sure, most of the blame is fine, but not all of it. The receivers dropped perfectly tolerable passes time after time, and the offensive line did little to help out the passing game. If it weren't for RB Montario Hardesty and a TE whose name I'm too lazy to look up, the Volunteers wouldn't have had a single point on the board. Hardesty should get a damn medal for the performance he has turned in against Florida and Auburn. Meanwhile, Eric Berry looked decidely un-Eric Berry-ish in a solid but forgettable performance.

So now Auburn been noticed, even going so far as to making the front page of ESPN as of the time of this post. Now all we have to do is play the hardest part of our schedule, a large portion of which is on the road. The offense is blowing and going, but unless Coach Chizik and Defensive Coordinator Ted Roof get the defense back on track, and find a magic potion to avoid injuries, it's going to get a lot rougher from here on out. This Auburn team has shown something special so far in this season, and with good luck, injury bug repellent, and continued offensive production, we are looking at a season that is going to exceed almost everyone's expectations.

The Coors Light Knight’s Week 3 College Football Awards

The Coors Light Knight’s Week 3 College Football Awards
(No one that plays a FCS team gets an award, unless you get beat by that FCS team! Teams that play other good teams get more consideration!)

Best Quarterback Award (For that quarterback who’s so good he makes you sick!)
Jacory Harris, Quarterback for the Miami Hurricanes
Are the Hurricanes back? All signs point to maybe, probably. I don’t think they are ready for a national title yet but with Jacory Harris putting up 3 TD passes and 270 yards with no picks they are getting in the neighborhood. The Canes play Virginia Tech on the road next week to pretty much decide who will win the ACC.

Best Running Back Award (Hey Big 12, there’s this thing called a tailback that can rush the ball!)
Jahvid Best, Running Back for the California Golden Bears
I hate giving this award to a player I gave it to two weeks ago but come on! 131 yards and five TDs in one game, who else but the soon to be All-American running back can I give it to.

Best Wide Receiver Award (It’s a good chance the winner will go on to be a NFL diva)
Eric Decker, Wide Receiver for the Minnesota Golden Gophers
This was an absolute no brainer. Decker caught two of the three touchdown passes and 119 yards for the Gophers in a loss to California. Why didn’t he catch the third TD pass? Well because he was the one who THREW the third TD pass in a great trickeration play. Great game by Decker!

Best Defensive Team (Did your opponent score in single digits. Then step on up!)
Washington Huskies
This was a close one between the Huskies and Auburn who had six turnovers. But this award goes to Washington because who the hell thought Washington would win this game with defense. Also Auburn allowed like 300 rushing yards. Not only did the Washington D force three turnovers they didn’t allow a SINGLE third down conversion. Steve Sarkisian might just be the right man for this job after all.

Worst Defensive Team (Did your opponent put up 40? Then you stink at defense!)
Arkansas Razorbacks
Ryan Mallet may be the best quarterback in the SEC, but the Razorback defense is going to have to learn to stop the other team from scoring. Mallet can’t score on every drive. In a terrible defensive effort by both teams Arkansas allowed Georgia 500 yards of offense, 6 TDs, and three field goals. Wow, that is a hell of a lot of scoring.

Surprise Team of the Week (This award can either be to a winner or loser. It has to be surprising though!)
Tennessee Volunteers
What happened Tebow and Meyer? I thought this would be a blowout. I don’t know if this means Tennessee is better than we thought or Florida is worse. Florida returned 95% of a national championship team this year and yet they looked extremely average against the Volunteers who really put a lot into this game. Monte Kiffin, Lane’s daddy, really knows his defense. A very solid game for the Volunteers, if it weren’t for the UCLA loss I might think Tennessee a contender this year.

Dud of the Week (To the worst player, coach, or team of the week)
BYU Cougars
Holy crap and a half! I thought FSU might squeeze a victory here but not the absolute dominating beat down that they put on the Cougars. It seemed like Florida State players were all over the field, and Max Hall was very ineffective. Max Hall threw for three interceptions one of which was returned for a TD. BYU believed all the hype it was getting, so did the rest of the world. Florida State didn’t and it showed on Saturday.

Coach on the Hot Seat (Who’s about to lose their job? Let’s find out!)
Bill Stewart, Head Coach of the West Virginia Mountaineers
I promise this is not a smack against Auburn who played very well the last three quarters of the game Saturday night, but to me Bill Stewart looks like an old man just getting in the way out on the sideline. His team struggled to hang with a team that they were running all over in the first quarter. An away loss to Auburn is not the end of the world, but I think it’s becoming clearer that this job is not for Stewart.

Player of the Week (Which player willed his team to victory? It was probably this guy)
Tyrod Taylor, Quarterback for the Virginia Tech Hokies
Say what you want to about Tyrod Taylor’s arm but he made two clutch passes when his team needed him to. First the awesome 80 yard pass to Danny Coale, and then a threaded needle pass to Dyrell Roberts in the endzone of 3rd and goal with several defenders about to bring him the pain. Very clutch throwing from a quarterback not known for his passing. He saved his team from starting the season 1-2.

Team of the Week (To the team that had the best week, and not just a win, to the team that had the best win)
Washington Huskies
You can almost set your clock by USC. The Trojans will get beat by an unranked PAC-10 at some point in the year. That being said thank you to both teams for a very exciting game. There were three Washington fans cheering for the Huskies in Drew’s den this weekend. Almost everyone likes seeing USC go down. Jake Locker made some very good clutch throws down the stretch, and the defense really played good against Aaron Corp and the USC offense. Time to start drinking the purple Kool-Aid!

Nobody's Talking About Auburn

Check the college football front pages of ESPN, SI, or Fox Sports MSN. You won’t find a single solitary article on Auburn’s 41-30 victory over West Virginia. And frankly, I couldn’t be happier.

While the sports media fawns over Washington’s 16-13 upset over USC (deservedly so) and Florida’s non-blowout of Tennessee, Auburn continues to fly under the radar, able to focus on getting a little bit better each game without the expectations and scrutiny of the national media setting us up for a letdown. This is where we traditionally operate best: Low or no expectations for greatness.

But the performance under low expectations is where the “traditionally” caveat ends with this Auburn team, as very little else about the 2009 Tigers falls into the typical AU behavior of the last decade or so. Sure, we still run the ball better than most, but who can remember the last time that our offense was last man standing in a shootout, much less coming from behind to do so?

I’m going to air my single gripe about the defense now, and then move on to everything else the Tigers did well (sandwich criticism be damned). The defensive front missed tackles like they were court ordered paternity tests. I realize that the horrific weather played a part in this, but it appeared to even the most objective of observers that West Virginia QB Jarrett Brown and RB Noel Devine had their uniforms coated in a secret mixture of baby oil and Teflon. On Devine’s second touchdown run, he was touched once before the line of scrimmage and three times afterwards. No one came even close to taking him down.

The only reason that the defense gets somewhat of a pass on the terrible tackling is the six turnovers that they caused. I just had a huge grin spread over my face while typing that. As difficult as it was to watch Brown break contain time and time again and slice through the defensive front, seeing the look on his face when he threw his final interception of the game made me happier than the little kid who was crying when Slowhio State was getting drummed in the 07 National Championship game. Brown seems to be a solid player with a lot of talent, so I hope that his injury towards the end of the game isn’t serious.

Auburn’s offense, despite having a familiar roster, looks like they are from an entirely different team this year. Gene Chizik’s coaching philosophy seems to be resonating with the players, and Gus Malzahn’s offense is proving to be adaptable enough to deal with anything opposing defenses have put up so far. I realize that we “only played West Virginia”, but the Mountaineers are no slouches and have a very troublesome offense (despite having an absolute imbecile for a coach. Yes, I’m talking about you, Bill Stewart. Can someone please put that message into crayon pictures so he can understand what I’m saying?).

If Auburn continues to build on the successes that we’ve had so far, and works out the defensive kinks that were very evident on Saturday night, we have the chance to surprise a lot of people. I was asked this morning if I was disappointed that we weren’t ranked in the top 25 on the AP or Coaches Poll, and my answer was an emphatic “No”. The hardest team that we’ve beaten is West Virginia, and we don’t actually know how good they are. We have control over one thing regarding rankings, and that is whether or not we win. If we continue to win games, and with a beleaguered Ball State coming up next week at least one more win is likely, then we control our destiny in the SEC West, and possibly beyond. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start praying in advance that Eric Berry gets the swine flu sometime around October 3rd.

The Coors Light Knight’s Week 2 College Football Awards

The Coors Light Knight’s Week 2 College Football Awards

(No one that plays a FCS team gets an award, unless you get beat by that FCS team! Teams that play other good teams get more consideration!)

Best Quarterback Award (For that quarterback who’s so good he makes you sick!)
Tate Forcier, Quarterback for the Michigan Wolverines
Finally since Chad Henne, Michigan might have a good stable quarterback. Forcier threw one pick but he also threw for 2 TDs. He also can run the ball like a running back. He had 70 yards rushing including a great TD run through some Notre Dame defenders. Things are finally looking up for the maize and blue.

Best Running Back Award (Hey Big 12, there’s this thing called a tailback that can rush the ball!)
Ryan Williams, Running Back for the Virginia Tech Hokies
After a tough loss to Alabama the Hokies needed a big win. The only problem Tyrod Taylor can't throw the ball. The answer is new running back Ryan Williams who tore up the Marshall defense for 3 TDs and 164 yards. I know its Marshall but thats still damn impressive.

Best Wide Receiver Award (It’s a good chance the winner will go on to be a NFL diva)
Greg Salas, Wide Receiver for the Hawaii Warriors
This was a tough one for this week but I went with Salas who had 195 yards and a TD against Washignton State. I know it was against a terrible Washington State team but this Hawaii victory was against a BCS team away from home. Maybe Hawaii can make some noise this year.

Best Defensive Team (Did your opponent score in single digits. Then step on up!)
LSU Tigers
Vanderbilt's defense was okay but LSU kept Vandy's offense off the board except for one TD (the other 2 points was a safety). Vandy was kept under 200 yards, they were intercepted by LSU and kept under 200 yards, and only seven offensive points, pretty tough D.

Worst Defensive Team (Did your opponent put up 40? Then you stink at defense!)
Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Everyone thought the Irish's defense would be soft this year. Then they shut-out Nevada and people changed their mind. Wrong! Notre Dame allowed 200 yards passing, seventy yards rushing just from the quarterback, plus another 100 rushing yards. The Dame offense gets an A, but the defense not off to a great start.

Surprise Team of the Week (This award can either be to a winner or loser. It has to be surprising though!)
Bowling Green Falcons
You don't have to win a game to be my Suprise team. A week after handling the Troy Trojans the Falcons almost upset the Missouri Tigers a top 25 team. Sure the Tigers came back with a late TD but I think the Falcons might be the team to beat in the MAC this year.

Dud of the Week (To the worst player, coach, or team of the week)
Oklahoma State Cowboys
Last week the the Georgia Bulldogs were the dud, this week its the team that beat them. After beating a high profile SEC team the Cowboys followed it up with a loss to the Houston Cougars. Now all that being said Houston is a good team. There is no question about that, but with Robinson, Bryant, and Hunter running the offense this should be a top 5 team. Houston proved its not.

Coach on the Hot Seat (Who’s about to lose their job? Let’s find out!)
Dan Hawkins, Head Coach of the Colorado Buffaloes
Hawkins promised that this year would be different. This would be the year things turned around for Colorado. It ain't happening. After a loss to rival Colorado State at home the Buffs went on the road and got smacked around by Toledo. They Rockets scored almost at will on the hapless Colorado defense, the offense staring Hawkins Jr. wasn't much better. I'd love to say its not too late but I think it may be too late for Coach Hawkins.

Player of the Week (Which player willed his team to victory? It was probably this guy)
Joe McKnight, Running Back for the USC Trojans
A lot of love went out to Matt Barkley for the last minute drive that led the Trojans to a victory over the Buckeyes, but to me Joe McKnight did a lot more of the work than Barkley. He made several big runs on long 3rd and 4th downs. Good job by Barkley, great job by McKnight.

Team of the Week (To the team that had the best week, and not just a win, to the team that had the best win)
Houston Cougars
Trade in one cougar team for another. Maybe Washington State will be here next week. Ok now that your done laughing lets talk about Houston. They really played a beautiful game against the Cowboys. It was the 1st top 5 team Houston had beat since 1984 when thet beat Texas. Case Keenum might have might be a dark horse Heisman candidate now, and Houston will be itching to go undefeated so that just in case Boise State and BYU flounder they can jump into the BCS. A win against Texas Tech next week might help them out.

The Coors Light Knight’s Week 1 College Football Awards

The Coors Light Knight’s Week 1 College Football Awards

(No one that plays a FCS team gets an award, unless you get beat by that FCS team! Teams that play other good teams get more consideration!)

Best Quarterback Award (For that quarterback who’s so good he makes you sick!)
Jimmy Clausen, Quarterback for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish
I don’t like Notre Dame or Clausen but he couldn’t have turned in a more perfect game than the one against Nevada. Not only did Clausen put up 315 yards and four touchdowns, he had a quarterback rating of 303.7! For those of you who don’t know if that’s good the next highest rating was 221 by Case Keenum of Houston. Clausen was not sacked once during the game.

Best Running Back Award (Hey Big 12, there’s this thing called a tailback that can rush the ball!)
Jahvid Best, Running Back for the California Golden Bears
The dark horse in the Heisman race peeled of 137 yards against a Maryland team that beat the Golden Bears last year. He ran for two TDs including a gem of one in which he went 73 yards. Best proved he might be the best running back in the country this year.

Best Wide Receiver Award (It’s a good chance the winner will go on to be a NFL diva)
Michael Floyd, Wide Receiver for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish
I hate to give the same team two awards but Floyd deserves this big time. He had the most yards at 189, the most TDs at 3, and had a long TD of 88 yards. With Golden Tate and Floyd, Clausen should have a pretty easy time racking up some major passing yards this year.

Best Defensive Team (Did your opponent score in single digits. Then step on up!)
Boise State Broncos
In a match of ugliest uniform versus ugliest field, Boise State stopped the Ducks cold in the water. They held Mike Tyson wannabe, LaGarrette Blunt to -5 yards and the Oregon offense as a whole to 157 yards. They also had one interception. Whoever said WAC teams can’t play defense needs to keep an eye on the team that plays on the Smurf Turf.

Worst Defensive Team (Did your opponent put up 40? Then you stink at defense!)
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
This was supposed to be Greg Schiano’s year. The year Rutgers would win the Big East and make it the BCS. As Lee Corso would say, "Not so Fast Biatch!’ I think he says it like that. Rutgers picked off Cincinnati once but allowed three passing TDs, two rushing TDs, and 564 yards of offense. I bet Schiano wishes he would have jumped on some of those high profile jobs when they were being offered to him.

Surprise Team of the Week (This award can either be to a winner or loser. It has to be surprising though!)
UAB Blazers
Why everyone in America watched other games, the lowly UAB Blazers kicked the crap out Conference USA rival Rice, beating the Owls 44-24. Quarterback Joe Webb went for 194 yards and two TDs, and by the way those are his RUSHING stats. He also threw for 221 yards and two TD passes. Sure Rice lost a lot of its talent last year, but holy crap did UAB need a win like this against a conference opponent.

Dud of the Week (To the worst player, coach, or team of the week)
Georgia Bulldogs
I know that the Cowboys of Oklahoma State were favored in this game, but most people thought Georgia would make this a very tight game. Wrong! Joe Cox struggled after his first TD drive at the beginning of the game throwing a pick and also fumbling the ball to seal the win for the Boys’. The defense played decently against a very good Oklahoma State offense, but unless Georgia can turn it around offensively they are in for a long year.

Coach on the Hot Seat (Who’s about to lose their job? Let’s find out!)
Al Groh, Head Coach of the Virginia Cavaliers
The coach of the Cavaliers starts the year in the hot seat. So what does he do? His team gets beat badly by FCS school William & Mary. Virginia’s offense was terrible against William & Mary and defense was not great either. Given this travesty of a game, Groh shouldn’t be at Virginia much longer.

Player of the Week (Which player willed his team to victory? It was probably this guy)
Mark Ingram, Running Back for the Alabama Crimson Tide
Say what you want to about the Crimson Tide’s ugly win but no single player was more important to his team than Mark Ingram. Ingram rushed for 150 yards and a TD, not to mention a receiving TD. When Alabama went into the 4th quarter trailing by 1, Ingram put the team on his back and pulled them to a victory against a very solid Virginia Tech defense.

Team of the Week (To the team that had the best week, and not just a win, to the team that had the best win)
BYU Cougars
Do I really need to explain why the cougars are the team of the week? This game ruined not only the chances of an Oklahoma National Championship, but also a second Heisman for Bradford. Despite all that, give it up to BYU getting in back-up QB Landry Jones face all night and keeping Oklahoma off the scoreboard. With a little luck and some great play from BYU, is it possible the Cougars could find their way to Pasadena. The first non-BCS team to play for a National Title? A win against Oklahoma is a good start.

The Cristal Baller: Auburn

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

[Editor’s note: Kirk and I switched off UA and AU because it’s more fun that way]

Last season, the Auburn Tigers had a problem or two on offense. What shocked me was the defense. Sure Auburn had many solid defensive games, but they were by no means great. Allowing Bama to put up 36 against them, West Virginia put up 34, Arkansas put up 25, and Tennessee-Martin put up 20 on them. They finished with a bad 5-7 record and Tuberville was wrongly shown the door. [Editor's Note: No he wasn't]

Now Tiger faithful enough of the bad news, let’s get to some good stuff. Your defense is always going to be solid and with super stud Antonio Coleman returning Auburn should be fine on defense. Gene Chizik knows how to stop points. The problem for Auburn is that they have no elite players at quarterback and wide receiver. Chris Todd starts at QB for the Tigers and, under the superb coaching of Gus Malzahn, will lead Auburn to a much better season than last year.

Season Predictions: 7-5

Auburn 24 Louisiana Tech 10
La Tech is no pushover, if you don’t believe me ask the Mississippi State Bulldogs who lost one of their first games to the Bulldogs. That being said look for Auburn to get some good throws and great runs against a suspect La Tech defense, and put the clamp down on their offense.

Auburn 17 Mississippi State 10
Auburn will face a tough and resilient Mississippi State defense but will do a lot better against them offensively then they did last year. Mullen cannot improve the Bulldog offense this quick.

Auburn 20 West Virginia 14
Anyone who thinks this is an upset is crazy. Bill Stewart couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag. Auburn will stamp out an ineffective West Virginia spread and score just enough points to send the Mountaineers crying.

Auburn 28 Ball State 10
This is not the Ball State from last year, both star QB Nate Davis and former head coach Brad Hoke are gone and this team will have nowhere near the success last year’s team did. Coleman and the defense will shut down the Cardinals and Malzahn will light up the score board.

Tennessee 17 Auburn 10
For the first time in the year Auburn comes up against a decent SEC defense and can’t move the ball. Tennessee scores probably on an Eric Berry run back and a lucky long bomb from Stephens. This game is a break even game for Bama fans, someone we hate loses and someone we hate wins. Is there any way they could both lose?

Arkansas 24 Auburn 21
This one will be a very fun game to watch for both the Tigers and the Razorbacks. It will be Auburn’s pretty good defense versus Arkansas’ pretty good offense. I think Mallet will do just enough to squeak his team past Auburn with a last minute field goal drive.

Auburn 28 Kentucky 9
Furious over losing to Tennessee and Arkansas, Auburn plays one of the best games of the year and keeps an anemic Kentucky offense from ever setting foot in a Jordan-Hare endzone. Caudle and Tate also score some points.

LSU 30 Auburn 14
Rarely does Auburn get blown out, but I will predict it here. I fill that Auburn will just be overmatched and will be catching LSU at Tiger Stadium at just the wrong time. The Bengal Tigers will flatten the Auburn Tigers.

Auburn 17 Ole Miss 14
I know I’m insane, but this feels like a loss for Ole Miss. If you’ll remember Auburn hung with Ole Miss last year (at Ole Miss) and Auburn stunk last year. I think Ole Miss will have a last minute drive lead by a determined Snead to kick a field goal for a tie. The kicker will miss, can we say irony.

Auburn 31 Furman 0
Are you kidding me? Furman!? Even compared to Tennessee-Martin and North Texas Furman is pretty damn bad. Auburn wins, I give no more feedback on this game.

Georgia 28 Auburn 17
The bad news for Auburn is that Georgia plays better when they have no expectations. Guess what? This year they don’t. Cox and the Georgia offense will consistently move the ball on Auburn’s worn out and exhausted defense.

Alabama 28 Auburn 17
Chizik is tired and wants to go on vacation, Coleman is already thinking about the NFL, and Todd is wondering what kind of gift bag he’ll get at the Music City Bowl (it will have an iPod in it buddy). Alabama’s o-line plays perfect and McElroy and Ingram shred the Auburn D.

The Cristal Baller: Alabama

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

[Editor’s note: Kirk and I switched off UA and AU because it’s more fun that way]

Last season, the Alabama Crimson Tide was the semi-Cinderella story of the SEC, going undefeated in the regular season, and losing their last two games in a solid effort against eventual National Champ Florida, and a flat performance against Utah in the Sugar Bowl.

This season, Alabama’s defense looks FILTHY good. Like top 3 in the nation good. They return almost all of their starters, who now have the benefit of another season’s worth of experience under their belt. Offense is the big question mark, having to replace LT (not an easy task since Andre Smith was probably the best LT in the country) and C, while also slotting in new QB Greg McElroy. Look for the Tide to have a rough time offensively (first year QBs in the SEC don’t historically fare very well, especially with two starting OL replacements), but more than compensate with their defensive performance, because we all know defense is what really wins games in the SEC.

Season Predictions: 9-3

Alabama 17 Virginia Tech 14
Look for Bama’s offense to sputter a bit here as they try and get things going against a solid VA Tech squad with an experienced offense. Alabama’s defense will be the key here, more than covering for any offensive miscues.

Alabama 28 Florida International 10
It’s a gimme game. FIU has gotten better in the last few years, but they won’t be able to hang. I’m calling 10 points for FIU because in the 4th, Saban will be putting fans in on D.

Alabama 31 North Texas 14
We’ll call this one “generic sequel to the FIU game” and pretty much be done with it. What the hell, I’m going to predict Bama to have a defensive TD this game. Now it’s interesting.

Arkansas 27 Alabama 24
Everyone is calling Arkansas the dark horse of the SEC west, and I’m inclined to agree. Petrino’s offense looks like it poised to finally take off. I think after two slouch games, the Tide get edged out in the 4th by a field goal.

Alabama 24 Kentucky 10
Kentucky. Fear. These two words do not go together. Much like the words “funny” and “Carlos Mencia”. Again, I’m giving the Wildcats 10 junk points in the 4th because that kind of stuff just happens.

Ole Miss 21* Alabama 17
This prediction has an asterisk beside it because I’m assuming that no more Ole Miss players are going to be arrested for drug possession/DUI or reinjure themselves in car accidents than have already done so. I would give this to Bama, but it’s a home game for the Rebels, who will probably be a bust on the season (they have a tradition of choking) but will somehow pull it together for a home game against the Tide.

South Carolina 17 Alabama 14
This is without a doubt a trap game for Bama. Crammed between Ole Miss and Elaine Kiffin’s squad, Spurrier’s Cocks are in the perfect position for an upset. I think this will be a defensive battle, and could just as easily reverse the scores having Bama win by a FG. For some reason I have a feeling that Spurrier is going to get away with one this year.

Alabama 35 Tennessee 0
This is going to be ugly. I see Bama’s D venting two weeks worth of losses (or at least one, I don’t think they’ll get by both Ole Miss and SC unscathed) on the poor Volunteers. I see this one playing out like last year’s Iron Bowl, only far worse (if that’s possible).

Alabama 28 LSU 21
Bama home game + close win last year + LSU being overrated = Bama beating another team with a cat mascot. I attribute the bulk of LSU’s points to a too-late comeback attempt in the 4th quarter.

Alabama 31 Mississippi St. 6
Dan Mullen is going to have a rough year. Thankfully no one expects him to do anything but get drummed this year. Look for him to meet those expectations in this game.

Alabama 24 Chattanooga 3
Another gimme game. The lower than average score against a low tier team is entirely due to my expectation that Saban will be resting starters prior to the Iron Bowl.

Alabama 21 Auburn 14
And speaking of the Iron Bowl, I look for Auburn to put up a better showing than last year. Ultimately this game will come down to the fact that Bama was smart enough to pick a starting QB in the spring, and the OL and the QB should have enough experience under their belts to win, even in Jordan-Hare.

The Cristal Baller: Florida

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last year Florida was a very talented team, a very, very talented team. They were talented enough to beat Alabama and Oklahoma back to back to win the SEC and BCS Championships. This year they will be a lot better. Really think about that. How can a clear national title winner get that much better? With Urban Meyer as your coach apparently its pretty easy.

Florida is returning a quarterback who is not only the face of college football but could go down as the greatest college player of all time if he scores another Heisman and a third NC. Not to mention they have the best MLB in Brandon Spikes and slew of other five star recruits. It’s simple for the Florida Gators this year: win the title and your season was a success; don’t win a national title and the season was a failure.

Season Predictions: 12-0

Florida 51 Charleston Southern 3
I can quarterback Florida to a victory here. I think Florida will win.

Florida 42 Troy 6
Troy is a lot better team than Charleston, so I think they get two field goals instead of one.

Florida 63 Tennessee 10
Lane Kiffin, did you see what Meyer did to Georgia last year. That was what he does with kid gloves off. You’ve pissed him off, you’ll be lucky if the score of the game is close to my prediction.

Florida 41 Kentucky 17
Unless Tebow, Spikes, and the rest of the Gators gets struck by lightning look for this to be a blowout of epic proportion, as Kentucky does not match up in any way to the mighty Gators.

Florida 31 LSU 24
The only game this year where Florida feels human, if for no other reason than because they play bad in Tiger stadium. However, this year a couple turnovers are not enough to force a Florida defeat.

Florida 45 Arkansas 9
Florida shreds a paltry Razorback defense and though Arkansas will make some yards on Florida they won’t be able to punch it in the end zone.

Florida 42 Mississippi State 3
The only interesting thing about this game is Dan Mullen playing his old boss and protégé. Cheer up Mississippi State fans at least you’ll get to see one good team play in your stadium this year!

Florida 38 Georgia 13
The “World’s Largest Cocktail Party” will be fun for the Georgia fans and the Florida fans. Wait, did I say fun for Florida and Georgia. I meant just Florida.

Florida 41 Vanderbilt 10
I’m bored with typing nice things about Florida. So here’s a fun fact: did you know in your lifetime you will swallow 20,000 spiders. Kind of creepy?

Florida 28 South Carolina 3
Spurrier would love to get this win over his old team. But hell I want work for ESPN and take Chris Fowler’s job. It’s more likely I’ll get what I want Spurs.

Florida 51 Florida International 0
Something good about Florida and demeaning to International and blah, blah, blah . . .

Florida 48 Florida State 24
Florida rounds out a perfect 12-0 season and the people of Gainesville, FL rejoice. Whereas people in either Tuscaloosa, Baton Rouge, or Oxford figure out the best way to kidnap Tebow.

The Cristal Baller: Georgia

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season found the Dawgs (sick ‘em?) ranked pre-season number 1 with a veteran QB/RB combo of Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno. While they ended up with a respectable 9-3 regular season record, big losses to Alabama, Florida, and Georgia Tech made the season somewhat underwhelming. It didn’t help that the offense sputtered in big situations and the defense gave up an average of almost 26 points per game.

This year’s Georgia team is a bit of a question mark. Playing the role of Matt Stafford this season will be Jr. QB Joe Cox. From my own personal experience, QBs with Cox for a last name tend to be slow moving with a penchant for underthrowing receiver’s routes (See: Cox, Brandon), but I wish the Bulldogs the best with him. WR A.J. Green will continue to be a big play threat, but Georgia’s offensive line is going to have to step up for every game to help their inexperienced QB in a conference that traditionally doesn’t fare well for first year starting QBs. The Bulldogs also start their year against a solid Big 12 opponent in Ok. St. which could make or break them on the season. These are by far my most questionable picks because neither I, you, or Lindsey Lohan have a clue as to what Georgia is going to do this season.

Season Predictions: 8-4

Oklahoma St. 28 UGA 17
No matter how I look at this game, I can’t see UGA pulling it out. The cowboys are coming off a very solid 2008 season with more experience and some solid performances against some of the country’s best (including a “much closer that the score indicated” game against Oklahoma). Meanwhile, the Bulldogs are rebuilding their offense around Cox, and their defense is suspect at best.

South Carolina 24 UGA 21
I’ve said before that I think the Gamecocks are going to be a dangerous team this season because of how they play and where they are on certain teams’ schedules. Georgia is one of those teams. Look for SC to succeed where they came up short on their final drive during last year’s nail biter against the Dawgs.

Arkansas 31 UGA 28
I feel like the Arkansas offense is going to hit their stride this year and make some serious waves in the SEC. This will be one of those games, as the Razorback offense is coming in with home field advantage and even more experience than last year against an inconsistent UGA defense. Arkansas’ offense simply matches up better against UGA’s defense than vice versa, and that’s going to make the difference.

UGA 24 Arizona St. 10
This should almost be a repeat of last year’s game (which ended with a Dawgs win 27-10). The Sun Devils could be a threat, but I see the superior talent of Georgia carrying them through this home game easily.

UGA 17 LSU 14
I know what you’re saying at this point, “How the hell does this moron pick UGA to lose to Arkansas but win against LSU?!?!?!” This is how: LSU is OVERRATED this year, and this is a home game for the Bulldogs. I think this will be one of the best SEC games of the year, and will come down to Les Miles yet again making some incomprehensibly dumbshit call to attempt to win the game, except this time lady luck will give him a dirty sanchez and laugh at him.

UGA 28 Tennessee 14
Yes, I know that Tennessee has Eric Berry on defense, but he’s about all they’ve got. Look for an inexperienced Georgia squad with talent to railroad a less talented Tennessee squad that should be gasping for breath at this point under rookie SEC head coach Elaine Kiffen. I’m kind of hoping that Cox starts putting things together at this point in the season.

UGA 21 Vandy 10
Even building on last year’s success, I can’t see the Commodores topping UGA this year, unless the Bulldogs are absolutely decimated with injuries at this point. Look for a close game in the first quarter, followed by Georgia extending their lead and giving up some garbage points in the 4th.

Florida 38 UGA 10
I can actually see why Georgia coach Mark Richt wanted to move the GA/FL game to a “more neutral site” like Atlanta, because who the hell wants to play football in Jacksonville in late October (when it’s still damn hot). Don’t pay any attention to the fact that the stadium is almost always split 50/50 between FL and GA fans. Oh, the game? That’s not going to go well for the Bulldogs, who I expect to lose 2 players to injuries/being eaten because of Brandon Spikes alone.

UGA 28 Tenn. Tech 6
This is a gimme game. I’m looking for the Bulldogs to vent some serious frustration on the… hold on a second… this takes forever to load… (there it is!) Golden Eagles. Whew. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to figure out that mystery in time, but there you go.

UGA 24 Auburn 17
The Auburn defense will hold up well against the Bulldogs, but will eventually wear down due to offensive miscues by the Tigers. I hope to God that I’m wrong on this pick, but frankly I don’t think I am. Aw shucks, the fact that this game is being played in Athens doesn’t help matters much. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.

UGA 31 Kentucky 10
By this point in the season I think we’ll see Rich Brooks’ squad run down and out of what little luck they had to start the season, while Cox and the UGA offense should be getting their feet under them a bit. Look for garbage points for Kentucky in the 4th and tears from Rich Brooks’ eyes in the 3rd.

UGA 24 Georgia Tech 17
The Dawgs come into this little affair with a bit of a chip on their shoulder after a soul crushing loss to the Yellow Jackets last year. I heard that Mark Richt needed a whole box of Oreos and a pint of Hagen Daas to get over last years loss. This year he will be celebrating with the same menu.

The Cristal Baller: LSU

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

With an obscene amount of talent and a little bit of pure luck (such as West Virginia losing to Pitt) LSU won a national title two years ago. Then they lost Glenn Dorsey, Matt Flynn, Jacob Hester, and Early Doucet to the NFL and “Superstar” Ryan Perrilloux to drugs, gambling, and Jacksonville State. So Les Miles tried to pull the same bag of tricks out of his hat with an inferior team. They went 7-5. *Cough*

Guess what though? LSU will probably return to good form this year, they still have a lot talent and a good quarterback in Jordan Jefferson. Most of LSU’s problem last year was that they had no quarterback play. Jefferson will have a great target in Brandon LaFell and Heisman candidate Charles Scott might be the best running back in the SEC this year. I like LSU to rebound in a big way this year. Look for “The Hat” to be back up to his old tricks.

Season Predictions: 10-2

LSU 31 Washington 13
LSU comes out firing right off the bat and spanks a still struggling Washington team. Look for Charles Scott to shred a weak Washington defense behind big LSU OT Cirion Black. Washington will be unable to move the ball against a tough SEC defense.

LSU 24 Vanderbilt 10
Look for a surprisingly close game going into the second half and then look for the Tigers to start imposing their will on the Commodores. Don’t be surprised if you see the defense get into the scoring act and help the offense out.

LSU 42 Louisiana-Lafayette 21
Will the in-state Rajun Cajuns be able to hang with the Tigers? No they will not. Jefferson, Scott, and LaFell should all be resting comfortably by the end of the third quarter. I know Troy almost beat the Tigers last year, but the Rajun Cajun’s are not the Trojans. LSU should dominate.

LSU 27 Mississippi State 16
The last time that LSU played State in Starkville they won 45-0, but I think Dan Mullen will have the team a little more prepared than Sylvester Croom. The Bulldogs will hang with the Tigers like Vandy till LSU’s superior talent flexes its muscles and pulls away.

Georgia 31 LSU 24
Despite what happened last year during the Bama black-out, Sanford Stadium is not the easiest Stadium to play in. Many teams have been defeated “between the hedges.” I really like Georgia in this contest. Sure they have a new QB and RB but the O-line might be the best in the country (yes I know what I’m talking about). I like Cox to score a 4th quarter TD to put the Bulldogs on top.

Florida 31 LSU 24
Mark it down right now. This will be the game that scares the life out of the Florida nation and almost ruins their perfect season. I not only LSU will hang with Gators, but they will be leading at the end of the third quarter. Then look for Tebow (also known as the Blessed Virgin to Florida fans) to dig deep and rescue his team with some last minute heroics.

LSU 30 Auburn 14
I really despise both of these teams. But I guess I’ll be okay with LSU dominating Auburn on both sides of the ball and sacking Chris Todd into oblivion about 60 times as the LSU D-Line easily pushes around the Auburn O-Line.

LSU 34 Tulane 0
Believe or not this is considered a rivalry game for these two teams. I don’t really understand that. In LSU’s first shutout of the year I like Tulane to completely fold under the weight of a team whose second string team is better than their starters. Fun Fact: to call this rivalry game Tulane, you might have to win one or two.

LSU 31 Alabama 21
Must we go into this game? It almost killed me just to write that score line. LSU beats Bama which makes their upcoming match against Ole Miss a playoff game to see who goes to Atlanta. I hate this prediction, but . . . I hate this prediction.

LSU 30 Louisiana Tech 17
Tech is no pushover but I don’t see them putting up much of a fight against LSU. Miles will probably show off some of his freshmen. He will rest some of his starters after a lead is secured in preparation for the Ole Miss game. Look for this to become five star WR recruit Reuben Randle’s coming out party, in football not homosexuality.

LSU 24 Ole Miss 17
Back to Atlanta the LSU Tigers will go if my predictions are right. LSU gets revenge for the bayou beat-down hey received last year. I really like Jordan Jefferson to make some smart throws to LaFell and others and secure a win at Oxford.

LSU 41 Arkansas 28
Revenge on Bama? Check. Revenge on Ole Miss? Check. Revenge on Arkansas? Big check. The LSU D lets some points slip through but their offense easily outplays a very shoddy Razorback defense. And so the SEC Championship looms for the Tigers. Will it be a rematch with Florida? Yes it will be.

The Cristal Baller: Tennessee

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season was a bit underwhelming for Tennessee fans, with the Volunteers going 5-7 in what most people would agree was a bit of a down year in the SEC where they STILL lost to a sad sack Auburn squad (Vol fans thanked God at the end of the season for the existence of Vandy and Kentucky). The season ended with no bowl game, and opponent favorite (to hate) coach Phil Fulmer being “released” with all of the dignity of a toilet being flushed.

This year the Tennessee faithful are showing signs of inexplicable hope under new head coach Elaine Kiffin (he of former USC offensive coordinating and failed Oakland Raiders head coaching fame). Kiffykins (not my nickname, but I like it, so I’ll use it) has stirred up both Volunteer fans and the rest of the SEC with his “writing checks his ass can’t cash” style of speaking. In Elaine’s defense, he has put together a fantastic coaching staff with defensive coordinator Monty Kiffin (his father, of Tampa-two NFL defensive fame), and Ed Orgeron (who can recruit and coach, but not head coach). Unfortunately, no amount of coaching firepower will make up for the fact that outside of “King Badass Safety who should be considered for the Heisman” Eric Berry, Tennessee doesn’t have a tremendous amount in the way of talent. Incoming freshman may make a few waves, but look for this to be a rough year for the Vols, especially during the Florida game.

Season Predictions: 5-7 [Editor's Note: Hey! That looks familiar!]

Tennessee 21 Western Kentucky 7
This should be a good start for the season. The Hilltoppers will give the Vols a much needed confidence boost to start off the season. I say much needed, because it is all downhill from here. I’ll take the “over” on Eric Berry eating 2 or more West Kentuck receivers whole during this game.

UCLA 28 Tennessee 17
And so the slide begins. After being eeked out by UCLA last year to start a turrible season, the Vols are looking for revenge. What they will actually find is a team that has learned from last year’s mistakes, has some good young players coming in to their own with the benefit of last year’s experience, and has more than just one player who is any good. Loss at Neyland = Laughing Alabama/Florida/Georgia/etc. fans.

Florida 105 Tennessee 0
Urban Meyer is not happy with Elaine after she took a few pot shots at him during the recruiting season. Meyer said nary a word about it at the time, but he has typically not been one to let things go. This guy is a grudge machine. So let me be the first one to make this ridiculous prediction: The Gators are going to hang a hundy on the Vols in the biggest smackdown of the year. This will be my 50Lb Box of Rape for the third week. God help those poor little guys in puke orange on that day.

Tennessee 17 Ohio 14
I see this being quite a close game, but the Vols are eventually going to pull it out for two reasons: One, this is a home game, and playing in Neyland stadium is a lot like playing in a sewer with rats who throw half empty whiskey bottles at you, and two, because they are going to have some serious frustration built up over last week’s emasculation at the hands of Florida.

Auburn 24 Tennessee 14
Is this a bold prediction? Hell yes it is. The offense is a giant question mark, and we’re incredibly suspect in the secondary, so how the hell can I justify picking them to win against the Vols at home? Easy, Tennessee is worse than us this year. Even if we don’t have an offensive juggernaut, Berry is really the only defensive threat, and their offense will not be able to hold up to AU’s defensive front. I still have a feeling that Berry is going to put one of our RB’s in the dirt in a highlight worthy moment at least once (hopefully only once).

UGA 28 Tennessee 14
Tennessee is going to be winded at this point, plain and simple. Their lack of depth is going to start to show, and the Dawgs should be getting their engine running at this point in the season. Mark Richt is not going to want to be the team in the SEC that loses to the Vols this season, and his team should help make that a reality. Look for Kiffin to be openly sobbing on the sidelines at this point in the season.

Alabama 35 Tennessee 0
I’m calling this game “Florida Redux”. Bama is going to be coming into this game with a chip on their shoulder thanks to Elaine and former Tide coach Lance Thompson’s chirping after Thompson left the Tide’s coaching staff in the offseason. Much like Urban Meyer, Saban doesn’t say a whole lot to the press, but he’s looking to dole out some hurt. Alabama’s Defense is going to be nasty this year, so don’t be surprised if this game looks like a re-hash of last year’s Iron Bowl, except worse because Alabama fans hate Tennessee even more than Auburn.

Tennessee 10 South Carolina 7
Spurrier inexplicably drops one or two games a year for no good reason. One of this year’s games will be against the Vols on their home turf. I don’t have a much better explanation for this game except to say that even a blind squirrel is going to find a nut every once in a while, and this feels like the kind of game where the Gamecocks implode in spectacular fashion.

Tennessee 21 Memphis 6
This is the kind of game where Eric Berry alone can win it for the Vols. Go ahead and mark this monster down for a defensive TD, and count on the Volunteer offense to produce two more. I see at least one of the Tigers’ two FGs coming as garbage points in the 4th.

Ole Miss 28 Tennessee 10
The Rebels may not be all that with a side of Baked Lays, but they have more than enough experience and firepower, not to mention home field advantage, to handle the Vols this year. Houston Nutt will continue to make funny faces on the sidelines while leading Ole Miss to victory over the ugly orange.

Tennessee 21 Vandy 3
This game should probably not be televised. A suck-filled Tennessee versus a Dyson powered suck machine in Vanderbilt. Who will win? No one who actually watches this game. In lieu of this crapfest, may I humbly suggest that you check out the Food Network’s marathon of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? Everything on that show looks delicious. Damn, now I’ve gone and made myself hungry.

Kentucky 10 Tennessee 7
I know that this is cause to push the “Upset Alert” button, but for some reason I just can’t see Rich Brooks not getting one lucky win on the season. This game is ripe for the picking, as it is a home game for the Wildcats and the football gods are pretty much going to owe him one after the way they’ve been trounced on up to this point in the season. It would also add a wonderful punctuation mark to the end of Mrs. Kiffin’s first collegiate head coaching season. Welcome to the SEC, madame.

The Cristal Baller: Ole Miss

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

No other team in the entire 120 team field of Division I football teams has more pressure to succeed than Ole Miss this year. Everyone has been saying, after their exciting win against Texas Tech, that Ole Miss is heading to Atlanta. It’s not that surprising a prediction with their ace quarterback Jevan Snead returning and most of the defense intact. Also let’s not forget the only team that beat Florida last year was Ole Miss.

Personally I don’t agree with the pundits that say that Ole Miss will fold under the weight of all this preseason hype. Personally I think they will play great and have a very solid season. Of course it helps when you have the most disgustingly easy out of conference schedule ever conceived by man. In out of conference play this year they face the powerhouses: Memphis, UAB, Northern Arizona, and Southeastern Louisiana. Two Division II teams and two C-USA teams! Come on Ole Miss grow some balls!

Season Predictions: 10-2

Ole Miss 35 Memphis 13
Ole Miss sets a precedent right away as the preseason favorite blasts away at a shaky Memphis D. Look for Jevan Snead and stud receiver Dexter McCluster (next Percy Harvin) to score on several big plays and the defense to clamp down. This game will be televised on ESPN as its premiere game of the day, because the game will be played on Sunday.

Ole Miss 38 Southeastern Louisiana 3
It’s the Mighty Ole Miss Rebels versus the Mighty Lions of Southeastern Louisiana in a match-up that will look closer to that scene in the movie 300 where the Spartans are chopping everyone’s heads off than it will a football game. Speaking of the movie 300, it’s a good flick to see if you haven’t yet. Speaking of this football game, I would just ignore it at all cost.

Ole Miss 17 South Carolina 10
When I think of Mississippi and South Carolina I think of two great states that keep Alabama from being on the very bottom of a lot of “Worst” lists. That aside I think this will be a very good game both teams trading TDs and FGs, culminating in a last minute drive from Ole Miss to down the Gamecocks. Hey Drew, you know all about downing a Gamecock don’t you. [Editor's note: Nice]

Ole Miss 24 Vanderbilt 7
Vanderbilt beat Ole Miss at home last year for those of you who don’t remember. I kept checking to see if hell had frozen over. Look for a tough Rebel defense to shutdown a very suspect Vandy offense. The good news for the Vanderbilt quarterback, your pants are black and that will hide the urine stain you make when you see the Ole Miss tackles running at you.

Ole Miss 17 Alabama 14
This might be the game of the year, with Ole Miss almost assured to be 4-0 and Alabama 4-0 or at least 3-1 (losing to Va. Tech). Whoever wins this game has a very good chance to win the West (LSU will be in it). I like Leigh Tiffin to miss a game tying kick in the fourth and Ole Miss go on to run out the clock and win the game.

Ole Miss 42 UAB 10
Ole Miss plays its second of three games versus a team from Alabama this year by beating the stuffing out of a terrible UAB team. Dexter McCluster will have a field day against UAB’s “defense” and he and Snead should both be out of the game by the middle of the third quarter playing NCAA 2010 on their X-Boxes.

Ole Miss 31 Arkansas 21
In what should be a fairly high scoring affair in a SEC game I like Houston Nutt to beat his former team like he did last year. As good as Arkansas’ offense will be I don’t see their defense doing much against Ole Miss’ offense. There is no love-lost between these teams and I look for a lot of cheap hits and a lot of grab-ass.

Auburn 17 Ole Miss 14
I’m sure if this web page has any Ole Miss fans, they will probably think I’m a lunatic of some kind. Well I am a lunatic but only because of my obsession for erotic cakes, not this prediction. I like Auburn in this game. With Tennessee and vastly more importantly LSU looming on the horizon I like Ole Miss to fall in this trap game.

Ole Miss 48 Northern Arizona 3
Ole Miss takes revenge after the Auburn loss the only way it knows how, by literally kicking the crap out a very bad and small Northern Arizona squad.

Ole Miss 31 Tennessee 14
Ole Miss will absolutely wipe the floor with the Volunteers who will not be able to stop Snead and McCluster. The offense should also be anemic versus a very tough Rebel D.

LSU 24 Ole Miss 17
Ole Miss beat LSU at Tiger Stadium last year. Why shouldn’t the Tigers beat Ole Miss in Oxford. If things go like I expect them to go this game will probably decide who wins the SEC West. I like “The Hat” to pull off just enough tricks to get LSU a victory.

The Cristal Baller: Arkansas

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Arkansas’ 2008 season was marked with some highs (beating LSU at the last minute) and some lows (Losing to Miss St.). They got beaten by Kentucky, but also beat Auburn and continued a ridiculous win streak at home against the Tulsa Golden Hurricane. Bobby Petrino’s offense was inconsistent under quarterback Casey Dick, and his defense was even more so, giving up an average of 33 points per game (ouch).

Now I may be crazy (I’m on pills for that), but I see Arkansas as the dark horse for the SEC west. And if they get into the SEC Championship game, who knows? Maybe they will murder Florida’s first and second string players and have a shot at the title. Look for Petrino’s offense to finally find some footing under Michigan transfer QB Ryan Mallett’s experienced hand, and look for their defense to give up less points because, frankly, it would be hard to give up more than they did last year.

Season Predictions: 8-4

Arkansas 35 Missouri St. 17
I don’t see the Razorback offense having any significant trouble with the Bears, but I do see their defense having a shaky start. If they can shut out Missouri St., it would provide a lot of confidence to a defense who is going to take a week off and then face Georgia.

Arkansas 31 Georgia 28
This score may look confusing, but I think Arkansas’ defense matches up just slightly better against UGA’s young offense under QB Joe Cox, than UGA’s defense does against Arkansas’ offense. I’m looking for a tight game with a last minute drive for a winning FG by the Razorbacks. The fact that this is a home game tips the scale toward the Razorbacks.

Arkansas 27 Alabama 24
Upset alert! I realize that this game is being played in Bryant-Denny. I realize that I am on record saying that Alabama’s defense is going to be one of the best in the country. Even with both of those facts, I see Arkansas catching Bama off guard after two cupcake games against FIU and North Texas. Look for another close game, where the Crimson Tide’s young offense leaves the door open for the Razorbacks to steal a win.

Arkansas 24 Texas A&M 14
I know that Arkansas didn’t exactly have a stellar year in 2008, but they still played in the SEC. On the other hand, A&M went 4-8 in the Big 12 South, against the likes of Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Tech, who were do-si-do-ing around the top 5 for half the season. I still like Arkansas to top the Aggies using guile and well placed Oklahoma jokes.

Arkansas 21 Auburn 14
Shut up. I don’t even want to hear it. I’m trying to be honest here, but after last year’s 2nd half meltdown against Arkansas, I really want to predict my Tigers to win here. Reality is a cruel mistress, and she won’t let me pick the inferior team in this matchup. Auburn’s defense is good enough to hold Arkansas off, but they will wear down when Auburn’s offense keeps them on the field too long.

Florida 48 Arkansas 14
If I’m correct up to this point, the Razorbacks will be riding an ESPN driven hype train into this matchup with the Gators. That train is going to derail in a horrific crash that will claim even the women and children, leaving only charred bodies and tears in its wake. Florida has too many weapons and LB Brandon Spikes may actually eat a Razorback offensive lineman in the first quarter, just to prove a point.

Ole Miss 28 Arkansas 17
The pundits in the local and national media seem very high on Ole Miss this year. While I don’t think they will be able to surprise as many teams as they did last year, I do think they are legitimately decent (when they are able to keep their roster out of car crashes and the back seat of cop cars). I think the Rebels’ offensive talent will overwhelm a Razorback defense that is still using an inflatable donut to sit down after last week’s run in with Florida.

Arkansas 31 Eastern Michigan 17
After being beaten up and down by Ole Miss and Florida, the Razorbacks get to vent some frustration on a directional school. The only downside to this game is that no matter how cold it is in Fayetteville on the day of the game, the Eagles will think that they’re playing in mild summer weather.

South Carolina 24 Arkansas 21
While I don’t see the Gamecocks having a stellar season, they are still a very dangerous team. They don’t have the benefit of being a “trap” game on Arkansas’ schedule (like they do on Bama’s), but I still see Spurrier’s squad having just enough to edge out the Razorbacks by a FG.

Arkansas 35 Troy 28
Troy almost had one of those “signature victories for a mid-tier program” last year against LSU, but the Tigers stormed back in the 4th quarter to give them a loss. Something like this should happen again, if I had to guess. Troy will put up some serious offensive numbers, but their defense is not good enough to keep the Razorbacks out of the endzone. And don’t forget the home advantage, as drunk pig fans get surly when you score in their stadium, so the Trojan offense will be dodging bottles of George Dickle’s finest as well as defenders.

Arkansas 24 Miss St. 13
Petrino has had a few years to get things going in Arkansas. Dan Mullen is in his first year as a head coach, and has the unenviable job of “turning around” a sub-par (I’m being kind) program. Survey says: Arkansas can get a W playing their scrimmage squad.

LSU 31 Arkansas 14
Don’t expect a repeat of 2008’s last minute theatrics. LSU is going to come into this game with a chip on their shoulder because of last year’s game, and because I’m guessing they are going to have a few losses already and this game may have some bearing on who heads to Atlanta. I still don’t think LSU is going to be as good as most of the pundits are predicting, but their defense will leave the Razorback offense smelling corn dogs after the hits they’ll be giving out.

The Cristal Baller: South Carolina

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

South Carolina vs. NC State was the first game I watched last year. South Carolina put up a great 34-0 win on the Wolfpack and the future seemed bright once again for Spurrier and company, but South Carolina can always find a way to become a marginal team. The Gamecocks finished the year with a disappointing 6-6 record that included losses to Vandy, Georgia, a beating by hated rival Clemson and an absolute murder by Florida (56-6).

Spurrier has to make something happen this year. I’m not saying he is in the hot seat, but he might realize after another fruitless year that he will never be able to get it done at South Carolina. He might retire. Stephen Garcia looks to return as quarterback and the defense is always good. The time has to be now for South Carolina. In the past the Gamecocks could always say, well at least we are better than Vanderbilt. After last year’s loss that might not be the case anymore.

Season Predictions: 6-6

North Carolina State 20 South Carolina 17

Once again these two kick off the football season on Thursday night. I think the outcome will be very different this year. NC State looked tough and got better as the year ended, South Carolina got worse as the season wore on. I like the Wolfpack to squeak out a win at home.

Georgia 24 South Carolina 13

I just don’t think South Carolina will be able to do much offensively to Georgia at home. Georgia’s offensive line might be the best in the SEC this year (no I’m not being sarcastic) and should get lots of yardage out of their passing game.

South Carolina 31 Florida Atlantic 13

Two losses to start of the year makes the Gamecocks really mad and they will take it out on a decent but overmatched Florida Atlantic team. I’d like to see a Gamecock and an Owl (FAU’s mascot) fight before I watch this game.

Ole Miss 17 South Carolina 10

In what will be very similar to the Georgia v. South Carolina game last year. I predict that Ole Miss drives down the field and makes a touchdown late in the fourth to beat a very, very subdued stadium.

South Carolina 38 South Carolina State 0

Ever seen a fight between MMA fighter Chuck Liddell and an old arthritic woman, this game might resemble that. Except the old woman has a chance.

South Carolina 17 Kentucky 3

This game has the feel of an almost shutout game. Maybe Kentucky squeaks a field goal by a very good South Carolina defense, but don’t bet on it.

Alabama 17 South Carolina 14

In this game I think both teams probably struggle to throw the ball. I like Bama’s running game better than the Gamecocks and so I like them to win.

South Carolina 24 Vanderbilt 14

Spurrier had bad diarrhea after his squad got beat by Vanderbilt last year. This year Spurrier says no to diarrhea and no to losing to Vandy. I like the USC defense in this game.

South Carolina 21 Tennessee 17

Steve Spurrier (the old king of being an ass) vs. Lane Kiffin (the new king of being a dick), its games like this when I think, how can both of these guys get beat. I like the Spurrier after all there is only so much Eric Berry can do.

South Carolina 28 Arkansas 14

The Gamecocks win their 3rd straight SEC game by stopping Petrino and the Razorback offense dead in its tracks. ESPN starts saying that next week’s game against Florida could be a trap game for the Gators. AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Florida 28 South Carolina 3

Spurrier would love to get this win over his old team. But hell I want work for ESPN and take Chris Fowler’s job. It’s more likely I’ll get what I want Spurs.

Clemson 17 South Carolina 10

This “rivalry” makes me think of naked women, because usually when it’s on TV I think about naked women instead of watching this usually boring fiasco. But since I have to pick a winner, why not Clemson, they’ve done it the past two years.

The Cristal Baller: Mississippi State

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season, like most seasons for the Bulldogs, was not good. They went 4-8, were part of one of the saddest games that college football has ever seen (a 3-2 loss to Auburn), and managed to get a coach that everyone genuinely liked, Sly Croome, fired.

Can things get worse this season? God, I hope not. The only way that things could get worse is if a Pompeii-an style volcanic disaster hits Starkvegas. Miss. St. hopes to start anew with rookie head coach Dan Mullen, he of National Champion Florida Offensive Coordinator fame. Mullen is putting some great new ideas in place and hopes to turn the Bulldogs into a competitor in 3 or 4 years. Let’s be honest, if Spurrier can’t do a damn thing with a mid-tier SEC east team like South Carolina, how far do you think Mullen is going to get with the dregs of the west?

Season Predictions: 3-9

Miss St. 14 Jackson St. 12
Dan Mullen beats Jack Crowe as a head coach already, hands down. Unfortunately the players on both teams are probably evenly matched in the skill and talent categories. Look for the Bulldogs to win, but I’m guessing they give up a safety at some point.

Auburn 14 Miss St. 0
This is not a commentary on Chizik’s coaching abilities over Mullen’s, it’s just a fact that Auburn always has good defense, and this year will be no exception. Look for at least one of those AU TDs to be put on the board by the defense. I’m praying that we don’t get a repeat of last year.

Vanderbilt 17 Miss St. 10
The Commodores are looking to build on last year’s stellar season (well, stellar for Vandy) and I don’t see the Bulldogs standing in their way for too long. This game will probably be as boring as a dating show focused on fat people.

LSU 28 Miss St. 6
I’ve been saying for months that LSU is way overrated in everyone’s pre-season rankings, and I firmly believe that this season will expose Les Miles for the true dufus that I know he is. So what does it say about Miss St. when I have LS-Who beating them by 22?

Georgia Tech 21 Miss St. 13
I always hate predicting an ACC team to beat an SEC team. I feel like I should give any SEC team the benefit of the doubt against the ACC. But there are exceptions to every rule, and most of them start with, “Except for Mississippi State…”

Miss St. 17 Houston 14
Now we’re talking! I think that with all they’ve been through, the Bulldogs will savor this victory over the (insert Houston mascot name that I’m too lazy to look up here)’s in front of the home crowd. This is going to be such a sad game that I wouldn’t be surprised if this one doesn’t even get broadcast on radio.

Miss St. 21 Middle Tenn. St. 14
That’s right, ladies and gents. We’ve got the Bulldogs getting into the 20’s for their first game of the season. Middle Tennessee is no pushover, so… I can’t do this. I can’t try to talk up MT St. to make our one (occasional) reader who is a Miss St. fan feel better. Honestly, this is as good as the season is going to get for you guys. It’s all downhill from here.

Florida 77 Miss St. 3
So here’s the math on this score. I’m assuming that Florida will get 3 possessions per quarter, save for the 4th quarter where they will only get two possessions due to mercifully running out the clock. I’m also assuming that Florida will get a TD on every possession, and will give up a pity FG to Miss St. in the 4th.

Kentucky 14 Miss St. 9
Ugh. Here we go again. The bottom of the barrel from the west takes on the bottom of the barrel from the east. At least Bulldog fans have the hope that their team will get better in the future (that’s called a zinger, Mr. Brooks). It would be a tragedy if this is televised, as I would rather watch a badminton match for blind people than pathetic display.

Alabama 31 Miss St. 6
With Mississippi State’s defense looking so strong this year, look for them to smother Alabama’s less talented offense under their new system. The Mississippi State offense should be hitting their stride at this point in the season, so look for them to do some damage against Alabama’s struggling defensive front. Now swap the teams’ names around in the previous two sentences and you’ll have my actual opinion of what will happen in this game.

Arkansas 24 Miss St. 13
I’m going out on a limb here and saying that Petrino will have his system up and running very well at this point, especially with the addition of Michigan quarterback transfer Ryan Mallett. I’m not going out on a limb by saying that Miss St. will still suck at this point in the season, and that the entire team may just want to forfeit their last two to four games.

Ole Miss 28 Miss St. 10
I don’t think the Rebels’ defense is good enough to keep even the Bulldogs out of the end zone at least once. I do think their offense, led by QB Jevon Snead, will tear two new holes (side by side) in Mississippi State’s defensive ass by the end of the third quarter. This will be an ugly end to an ugly season. Commence drinking now, Bulldog fans, so that you don’t have to remember this season as it happens.