The Cristal Baller: Ole Miss

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

No other team in the entire 120 team field of Division I football teams has more pressure to succeed than Ole Miss this year. Everyone has been saying, after their exciting win against Texas Tech, that Ole Miss is heading to Atlanta. It’s not that surprising a prediction with their ace quarterback Jevan Snead returning and most of the defense intact. Also let’s not forget the only team that beat Florida last year was Ole Miss.

Personally I don’t agree with the pundits that say that Ole Miss will fold under the weight of all this preseason hype. Personally I think they will play great and have a very solid season. Of course it helps when you have the most disgustingly easy out of conference schedule ever conceived by man. In out of conference play this year they face the powerhouses: Memphis, UAB, Northern Arizona, and Southeastern Louisiana. Two Division II teams and two C-USA teams! Come on Ole Miss grow some balls!

Season Predictions: 10-2

Ole Miss 35 Memphis 13
Ole Miss sets a precedent right away as the preseason favorite blasts away at a shaky Memphis D. Look for Jevan Snead and stud receiver Dexter McCluster (next Percy Harvin) to score on several big plays and the defense to clamp down. This game will be televised on ESPN as its premiere game of the day, because the game will be played on Sunday.

Ole Miss 38 Southeastern Louisiana 3
It’s the Mighty Ole Miss Rebels versus the Mighty Lions of Southeastern Louisiana in a match-up that will look closer to that scene in the movie 300 where the Spartans are chopping everyone’s heads off than it will a football game. Speaking of the movie 300, it’s a good flick to see if you haven’t yet. Speaking of this football game, I would just ignore it at all cost.

Ole Miss 17 South Carolina 10
When I think of Mississippi and South Carolina I think of two great states that keep Alabama from being on the very bottom of a lot of “Worst” lists. That aside I think this will be a very good game both teams trading TDs and FGs, culminating in a last minute drive from Ole Miss to down the Gamecocks. Hey Drew, you know all about downing a Gamecock don’t you. [Editor's note: Nice]

Ole Miss 24 Vanderbilt 7
Vanderbilt beat Ole Miss at home last year for those of you who don’t remember. I kept checking to see if hell had frozen over. Look for a tough Rebel defense to shutdown a very suspect Vandy offense. The good news for the Vanderbilt quarterback, your pants are black and that will hide the urine stain you make when you see the Ole Miss tackles running at you.

Ole Miss 17 Alabama 14
This might be the game of the year, with Ole Miss almost assured to be 4-0 and Alabama 4-0 or at least 3-1 (losing to Va. Tech). Whoever wins this game has a very good chance to win the West (LSU will be in it). I like Leigh Tiffin to miss a game tying kick in the fourth and Ole Miss go on to run out the clock and win the game.

Ole Miss 42 UAB 10
Ole Miss plays its second of three games versus a team from Alabama this year by beating the stuffing out of a terrible UAB team. Dexter McCluster will have a field day against UAB’s “defense” and he and Snead should both be out of the game by the middle of the third quarter playing NCAA 2010 on their X-Boxes.

Ole Miss 31 Arkansas 21
In what should be a fairly high scoring affair in a SEC game I like Houston Nutt to beat his former team like he did last year. As good as Arkansas’ offense will be I don’t see their defense doing much against Ole Miss’ offense. There is no love-lost between these teams and I look for a lot of cheap hits and a lot of grab-ass.

Auburn 17 Ole Miss 14
I’m sure if this web page has any Ole Miss fans, they will probably think I’m a lunatic of some kind. Well I am a lunatic but only because of my obsession for erotic cakes, not this prediction. I like Auburn in this game. With Tennessee and vastly more importantly LSU looming on the horizon I like Ole Miss to fall in this trap game.

Ole Miss 48 Northern Arizona 3
Ole Miss takes revenge after the Auburn loss the only way it knows how, by literally kicking the crap out a very bad and small Northern Arizona squad.

Ole Miss 31 Tennessee 14
Ole Miss will absolutely wipe the floor with the Volunteers who will not be able to stop Snead and McCluster. The offense should also be anemic versus a very tough Rebel D.

LSU 24 Ole Miss 17
Ole Miss beat LSU at Tiger Stadium last year. Why shouldn’t the Tigers beat Ole Miss in Oxford. If things go like I expect them to go this game will probably decide who wins the SEC West. I like “The Hat” to pull off just enough tricks to get LSU a victory.