I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.
“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Todd Reesing, QB for the Kansas Jayhawks. Sure the Jayhawks lost to South Florida by a field goal, but Reesing was the star of that game. He made pinpoint throws, and led his team on two consecutive scoring drives to tie the game up. I know he threw the game losing interception but in the words of South Florida coach, “That quarterback for Kansas is awesome!”
“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Arizona State Sun Devils. So the devils lost at home to the UNLV Rebels, and ESPN College Game Day will be going to Auburn instead of to Arizona State. This was supposed to be a tune-up game for the Sun Devils clash with the Georgia Bulldogs. Sorry Devils you still have to show up and play, even if it’s only a tune-up game.
“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
THE Ohio State Buckeyes . As our editor Drew would say, “Gotta love the Suckeyes!” One of the most hated teams in the world gets their ass kicked in what was supposed to be the game of the year. Once again the hate against Ohio state comes back to haunt them. Hawaii Bowl here they come.
“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
The Mountain West Conference. BYU beats UCLA, TCU beats Stanford, New Mexico beats Arizona, and UNLV beats Arizona State. The Mountain West beat the PAC-10 4-0 this week. Maybe USC and Oregon should join the Mountain West and let them become a BCS conference.
“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Missouri’s murder of Nevada. Chase Daniels and company led the Wolfpack 14-7 at one point in the 1st quarter, it never got that close again. Chase Daniels and Jeremy Maclin might be my one and two picks for the Heisman after hooking up on three TD passes. I hope Missouri plays Oklahoma for the Big 12 title. That would truly be the game of the year.
“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Greg Robinson, Head coach of the Syracuse Orange. Dennis Quaid and the rest of the stars from the movie “The Express” witnessed a horrifying rout as Penn State gutted Syracuse for 55 points. Greg Robinson is as good as gone. I suggest the Orange try and lure Skip Holtz away from ECU right now.
“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Chris Todd, QB for the Auburn Tigers. This award could just as easily go to the entire Auburn offense, but when you are the QB you lead the offense and so the award goes to Todd. I know the Bulldogs defense is good, but come on 3 points, 3-2 is the score of a Mississippi State/Auburn baseball game not a football game. Embarrassing for both teams.
“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Max Hall, QB for the BYU Cougars. 271 yards and 7 TD passes, is this guy a man or a machine. Hall picked apart the UCLA defense with scary ease and made a huge case for the Heisman race. This award was not even close this week, it was Max Hall and then everyone else.
“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Syracuse Orange. 127-52 is the margin in Syracuse’s three losses to Northwestern, Akron, and Penn State. This is the worst team in the BCS conferences. (sorry Duke this is what happens when you start winning) . You would think having celebrities and celebrating their illustrious past might get Syracuse pumped up and put up a fight but no such luck. The hapless Orange looked pathetic against the Nittany Lions. Don’t worry Syracuse fans basketball season will be here before you know it.
“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
USC Trojans. Sorry USC haters but go ahead and book the Trojans rooms in Miami for the BCS National championship game. As usual the Buckeyes scored first in a major game, and as in the 2006 and 2007 NC games they didn’t score much afterwards. USC is the best team in the country right now, and as much as I don’t like them, anyone who thinks they are not #1 is not being realistic. Hey they’ve collapsed before, maybe they will again. Until they do get on the USC train, it’s heading to Miami.
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