Five for Friday

Amen brother. Amen.

Welcome to Dammit Herring’s choice for the five most interesting games of this weekend, and the (uninformed) predictions of their outcomes. As the Cajuns say, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnjoooooiiiiiii!”

Fresno State will cut zee cheese in a rout of Wisconsin. Last week the Badgers proved that they had a passing game with QB Allan Evridge throwing for 308 yards and a single TD… against Marshall. So maybe they didn’t really prove much. Meanwhile, the Bulldogs are coming off a big first game win against Rutgers (somewhat tarnished by UNC’s thrashing of the Scarlett Knights last night), and are showing a defense that is much improved over last year. Look for Fresno State to test Wisconsin’s secondary early and often.

Michigan will add insult to Notre Dame’s priest-based injury with a sound bottom smacking. This game is only interesting because of the intense level of suck that will be present on the field on Saturday. Who can screw up the most, the fastest? Will the Clausen kid have a new, even more douche haircut? Will Rich Rodriguez have an ironic “I should have coached Alabama” shirt on? How many cupcakes can Charlie Weis fit in his mouth and still be able to say “Chubby Bunny”? Inquiring minds need to know.

South Florida will prove that they aren’t just a one-hit wonder against Kansas. This prediction is entirely based on the theory that within the first four games of the season, some team who is better than the Bulls have to be “Grothe-ed”. Mark Mangino’s Jayhawks have dispatched two fierce foes already (FIU and La Tech), but now they have to contend with the second best team in Florida, and the doubts as to whether a basketball school can win a few football games two years in a row.

Auburn will get some sweet payback against Mississippi State. After getting beaten last year due to multiple turnovers and a Miss. St. offense who wouldn’t give up, the Tigers are going to go wild on that Bulldog ass. A stellar Auburn defense will pay Dixon back in rape dollars, while an off and on offense should be able to put up enough points to cover the spread. This is all subject to Tony Franklin re-thinking his “fumble the first two drives in the red zone” strategy from the Southern Miss game last week. I know that Alabama residents say this all the time, but seriously, “Thank God for Mississippi!”

Southern Cal is going to break a top tier running back’s foot off in Ohio State’s ass, and then replace it with an expensive robot foot. Some people are saying that after the Suckeyes’ lackluster performance last week against Ohio, they are going to bounce back against the Trojans. These people are idiots and represent a living affront to reason. Ohio State’s defense will struggle to contain a multidimensional USC offense, while the Buckeyes’ offense will be slightly less threatening with the probable benching of RB Beanie Wells. Look for this one to be a laid back bloodbath.