Week 2 Wrap Up: Now Wif Teef!

I, accompanied by Lil' Wayne's beautarific teef, will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Jake Locker, QB for the Washington Huskies. Why does Jake Locker get this award, for being the best sport I’ve ever seen over a bullshit excessive celebration call that cost his team the game. If he would have waited for that referee in the parking lot I don’t think anyone would have blamed him.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Not the 10-2 team Lou Holtz thought this team might be. Sure they won the game, but San Diego State lost to a team with like five names. This team is going nowhere fast. Plus what was up with Clausen’s hair. When you have a face like a frying pan, don’t grow California locks.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
South Carolina Gamecocks. Not everyone hates the Gamecocks, but a lot of people do hate the Ole’ Ball Coach. I like to think the hate of Spurrier made this beat down by the Commodores all the more special. With all kinds of problems at quarterback we may see the Gamecocks here again this year.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
BYU blocking Washington’s PAT after a Bullshit celebration call. I won’t go into the BS call again, but I will give props to BYU for blocking the PAT. Sure it was easier when the kicker had to worry about distance, but hey a blocked kick is still tough to do.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida State’s slaughter of Western Carolina. 69-0 pretty much says it all. There was hardly a member of the Seminoles that didn’t score a touchdown this week. The offense put up obscene numbers and the defense pitched a shut-out. Still the Catamounts are not exactly the cream of the AA crop. We will see how the Noles are against good teams.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Charlie Weiss. A squeaker over a terrible San Diego State will not save Charlie Weiss’ job. I’ll bet Notre Dame feels really good about giving him an extension right after his team got killed in the Sugar Bowl in 2006 because they were afraid he was being courted by the NFL. Money well spent.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Steven Threet, QB of the Michigan Wolverines. This is not your father’s Michigan Wolverines. Threet went 6 of 13 for 63 yards against Miami (OH). That is not getting it done. Michigan does not have enough talent at RB to not be able to throw the ball. Either Threet or Sheridan has to step up or it will be a long year for the Wolverines.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Sam Bradford, QB of the Oklahoma Sooners. Bradford threw 5 TD passes, and piled up 395 yards on a very decent Cincinnati team. Bradford has weapons everywhere and guess what, he himself has a lot of talent too. The Sooners may sputter down the stretch, but right now they are playing on a different level.

“The Einstein Award” (given to the commentator or analyst who actually got it right this week):
Mark May, Commentator for ESPN College Scoreboard. I like Mark May. He doesn’t usually go way out there on picks and he tries not to be biased. This week he didn’t pick any upsets, there really weren’t a lot anyway, but he made some very good picks and he backed up his picks with facts that made sense. Lou Holtz, you could learn a thing from Mr. May, like don’t spit when you talk.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
East Carolina Pirates. I’m jumping on the Pirate bandwagon. Where the hell did these guys come from, and where can I get an ECU jersey? Finally a talented Holtz. Head Coach Skip Holtz , RB Jonathan Williams, and QB Patrick Pickney have all the sudden got heads turning ECU’s way. Guess what folks, the two hardest teams on their schedule are done! Who’s left, NC State, Tulane, Virginia, and Houston. Can we say BCS bowl, or do we dare say NC game? Probably not NC game, but look out if ECU runs the table, they will be BCS bound.