Week 5 Wrap Up: Roll Tahd Edition

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football, and as you can see I'm being assisted this week by a young lady in a very tasteful hat. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Glen Coffee, RB for the Alabama Crimson Tide. This could just as easily go to the Alabama offensive line but when you are as big as those guys are you don’t need bravery. Everyone told Bama (including me) that they would not run the ball on Georgia, but guess what we were all wrong. Ingram and Upchurch both had TDs and Coffee had 2 with almost 90 yards. The Georgia defense was good, the Alabama running game was better.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Florida Gators. If the Gators had watched what happened to USC they might have seen this coming. The Gators and fumbled three times, had a PAT blocked, and Superman Tebow failed to get a 4th and 1. Urban might should have gone for the field goal, maybe he had no confidence in his kicker. Guess who is leading the East right now, VANDY!

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
USC Trojans. Not to be a jerk Trojan fans, but hahahahahahahahaha! I understood the Stanford game last year. You outplayed Stanford, but due to some costly turnovers you lost, but Oregon State just plain whooped you. How you let a 5’6 RB gut you for over 100 yards is beyond me. The hate caught up with mighty USC at last.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Tar Heels pick off Miami QB to keep win. Not being satisfied with an interception earlier in the game, Trimane Goddard picked off Miami QB Robert Marve in the Miami end zone by taking the ball out of the hands of Miami WR Kayne Farquharson. A TD would have won the game for the Hurricanes. In the end Farquharson ended up holding air, and the Tar Heels held the victory.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Texas bombs the Arkansas Razorbacks. After getting demolished by Alabama the razorbacks probably didn’t think it could get any worse, wrong again. Colt McCoy and company slaughtered the hogs. McCoy threw for three TDs and also ran for 2 more. Texas is officially a contender in the Big 12 and Arkansas is perhaps the worst team in the SEC.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Phillip Fulmer, Head Coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. It’s a very dark time for the Volunteer nation. After bitter loses to Florida, UCLA, and now Auburn, times could not be tougher for Rocky Top. A lot of their problems have to start with the head coach. It’s probably not an exaggeration that Fulmer is getting death threats. The offense is terrible, the QB is worse (see next award), and the defense is not great. It’s time for Phillip Fulmer to call it a career.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Jonathan Crompton, QB for the Tennessee Volunteers. Jonathan Crompton may be the worst starting QB on a BCS team. Against Auburn he went 8 of 23 with 67 yards and no TDs. Playing against a very, very poor Auburn offense, Crompton could have led his team to a much needed win. Crompton did little more than a retarded monkey could do against a very sharp Auburn defense as he fumbled and gave Auburn a free TD, which accounted for half of Auburn’s points.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Jimmy Clausen, QB for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. This was Clausen’s best game as an Irish that I’ve seen so far. Heralded as a quarterback “wunderkind”, Clausen has done little before this game to prove he has a golden arm. But against a very decent Purdue team, Clausen connected 20 of 35 for 275 yards and three TDs. But the reason he gets my award, ready for this, 0 interceptions!

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Washington State Cougars. A drubbing by Oregon State, a killing by Baylor, and an absolute slaughter by California is how the Cougars started their season. What happened this week? A 63-14 smack down by the Oregon Ducks. In their four losses the Cougars have been beaten 213-47. Not a great start for the Paul Wulff era.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Penn State Nittany Lions. Well the “blackout” failed against Bama this weekend, but Penn State’s “whiteout” worked just fine. Joe Pa has his Penn State team looking very sharp behind the great QB play of Daryll Clark. Penn State looked like a NC contender to me as they handled the Fighting Illini at home. Lookout Sooners, Tide, Mizzou, and LSU the Nittany Lions just proved that the Big 10 may have something to say about the NC picture after all.

Also if you were wondering why I maybe did not pick Bama as the team of the week or Colt McCoy as my “Voltron Award” winner, I am trying to keep it so the same team or player does not win any award more than once. Thanks and Roll Tide!

Cute Jerseys

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Upsetting Weekend

Welcome to the week of work preceding the 6th week of college football. Well, you’ll be working, I’ll be playing golf in the afterlife with a small measure of dignity still intact as the robot who is coaching FSU pads my record against Paterno. It almost seems unfair that I get credit for the wins, being dead and all.

Alabama beat the hell out of Georgia and rose to #2 in the AP poll. No one can argue against that. If you’re going to try and use qualifying statements, head on over to the Bulldog message boards. Now let’s go ahead and cue Bama fans’ fervent discussions of how many national championships that their team is going to win this year alone. Talk radio is going to be insufferable this week.

Florida State won a game! At home! And the robot who replaced me in ’97 still isn’t wearing a headset or talking to anyone during the game. Telepathic coaching is going to be the next big thing. I can feel it. Or is that just my bladder control giving way?

Florida loses to Ole Miss on a blocked extra point? “Hello? Mrs. Tebow? Could you put your son on the field please? Thank you, m’aam.” This is a direct result of Florida failing to schedule Auburn or Alabama this year. They had to take a loss to a theoretically lesser team, and Ole Miss drew the long straw.

Michigan beat Wisconsin in the 4th quarter only. Apparently one quarter was all that Rich Rodriguez’s much maligned Wolverines needed, as they dropped 20 points on zee Badgers and sealed a win over a top ten team. Did the whole college football world go upside down this weekend, or are these polls not really accurate at all? Oh… right… Look for USC to be back at #3 in the AP by week 9 because they’re in the largest media market in the country.

Tommy Bowden is the worst coach ever. All he wanted to do growing up was to play racquetball with pasty long-haired effeminate guys. Now he’s dragging my (formerly) good name through the mud by taking what should be a decent team and tanking it on an annual basis. Disowned, and out of the will with ye, my boy!

Phil Fulmer is fat. Nothing really new here, just keeping the issue in the spotlight.

Five for Friday

Partaaaaaaaay!

After last week’s picks turned out to be entirely 100% correct (ed. note: WOOOOOHOOOO!), I’m back with the picks for the 5 most interesting games of week 5, as determined by the Dammit Herring staff. This week is probably going to be full of entirely correct predictions as well, so go ahead and call your bookies, and pay me 10-12% of your winnings on Sunday.

Penn State is going to have to deal with some real estate ownership issues with Illinois. But they’re still going to win the game, because Ron Zook (porno name alert) is still the same Ron Zook that tanked Florida earlier this century. Look for Illini QB Juice Williams to cause some serious trouble for the Nittany Lions defense, and look for the 111th ranked Illini defense to do little to stop whatever Penn State throws at them offensively.

Colorado is going to take up where Wake Forest left off last week, and push Bobby Bowden’s legacy into the septic tank. Dan Hawkins has managed to put together a very tolerable Colorado squad, with his “What’s nepotism got to do with it?” attitude toward quarterback selection, and a defense that is currently in the top 40 in the nation. Meanwhile, Bowden continues to stand on the sidelines during games with no headset on, having no interaction with his players or coaches, and wondering where he is. This sad display of senility seeking to preserve a legacy leaves pseudo-coach Jimbo Fischer hamstrung with an ineffective offense and very little means to recruit for coming years.

Auburn is going to destroy Phillip Fulmer’s last shred of dignity and possibly a half carton of Milk Duds in a route over Tennessee. Look for a sputtering Tigers offense to catch just enough times to hang twenty-something points on Tennessee’s “meh” defense, while a stellar Auburn defense will suffocate Vols QB Jonathon Crompton and hold their rushing game to something around nil. Look for Phillip Fulmer to devour the spilled Milk Duds, Cupcakes, and any small children that come within reach.

Georgia is going to beat Alabama, but probably not by much more than a single TD. The Crimson Tide come into this game with a first string on both sides of the ball that should be able to hold fairly well with anyone in the SEC, but they are hampered by a lack of depth. Meanwhile, the Bulldogs will face their second strong SEC test, and the first one that isn’t named Spurrier. Oh, and Georgia decided to wear their black ensembles for this shindig, which marks the third time ever that they’ve done this. Considering what happened to Auburn last year when they wore those uniforms, Bama might want to go ahead and take the over on the points spread.

Nebraska is going to take Virginia Tech into a corn field and show them some good ‘ol country boy lovin. Is this game going to show that the 3 – 0 cornhuskers are back in the driver’s seat of the tractor, or will this be simply another disappointment in a long line of disappointments? Probably a little of column A and a little of column B. The Cornhusker nation (is that what we’re calling them?) has high hopes for Bo Pellini, and Nebraska’s offense has been unusually productive against the first three cupcakes that they played against. (We interrupt this article with a message from Phil Fulmer: “Did someone say cupcakes?!?”) Look for Frank Beamer’s Hokies to pull some randomly surprising plays, but to lose in the end because, frankly, they just aren’t that good.

Oregon State is 2 - 2

Good for the Pac 10. Their lower tier teams are finally showing some life, as Oregon St. showed last night. This should bode well for USC, as they’ll finally have something to back up their argument that the Pac 10 isn’t a grazing field for undeserving National Championship bids…

Oh that’s right. This doesn’t bode well for USC at all, as they were the team that lost to Oregon St. last night. In fact, it kind of supports the arguments of everyone who was hating on USC this year (and Slowhio State last year), saying that a good team going undefeated in a weak conference does not deserve an automatic National Championship bid. I’ve long contended that the only reason that USC is given as much slack as they get is because they are located in the largest media market in the country, so I’ll be interested to see if they continue to be billed as a “National Title contender” or if they will be written off entirely, a la the Suckeyes. Speaking of the Suckeyes, they are probably hanging their heads further in shame, as logic (not real logic, but the kind that favors my arguments only) dictates that they are now worse than Oregon St.

So what happened? The Beavers’ freshman running back Jacquizz Rodgers, who has the scariest looking teeth I’ve ever seen, hung 187 rushing yards on USC’s defense on 37 attempts and got in the end zone for 2 TDs. Quarterback Lyle Moevao was more than competent, completing 18 of 28 for 167 yards and 2 TDs. The Oregon St. defense held the Trojans to a whopping 0 points in the first half, and entered the 3rd quarter with a 21 – 0 lead.

USC made some decent half time adjustments, scoring 14 points in the 3rd quarter, and putting together an impressively quick drive for another 7 points at the end of the 4th. The USC defense also woke up, and blocked a field goal midway through the 4th.

In the end, the Beavers had too much momentum on their side, and a pick returned to the Trojans’ 2 yard line with less than 3 minutes to play, resulting in a Oregon St. TD, sealed the game. It was one of the most interesting Thursday night games I’ve ever seen, and well worth the sleep I lost catching the whole shebang. And now the rest of the season can hopefully play out free from the OSU/USC hype that seems to have dominated college football for the last six years or so. Yeah, and a tiny Columbian man named Juan will probably deliver fresh roasted coffee beans to my front door on Saturday morning. Actually, both would be pretty cool.

A Little Something for the Fans

This picture has nothing to do with anything, but is always funny

That’s right folks, there are two perfect games this weekend. A perfect game for Auburn fans to watch and a perfect game for Bama fans to watch. What are the perfect games you ask? They might not be what you would think.

Bama fans the perfect game for us is the Auburn vs. Tennessee game that will be on at 2:30 more than likely on CBS.

Auburn fans should enjoy Georgia vs. Alabama’s struggle that will be on ESPN at 6:45.

Why do I consider these games perfect? It’s pretty easy. Alabama fans hate two teams more than any others in the country, Auburn and Tennessee. What greater joy can an Alabama fan have then watch their two bitterest enemies tearing into each other. It’s win, win for us. If Auburn gets beat, we get to see tubs trying to explain to everyone what exactly went wrong and that he didn’t play Burns because he didn’t think he would fit against the Vols’ defense, not because he is a racist. If the Vols lose we get to see Fatty Fulmer’s face swell up like a tomato, and a press conference explaining why he is invaluable to the Rocky Top nation.

For the Aubies in the crowd you’ve got your most hated rival going against your oldest rival (according to the name of the game). The possibilities are endless, Bama might be humiliated by the Dawgs, Georgia could have its NC hopes dashed before a national audience, you might see Saban lose his cool, or Richt start to cry. You play both these teams in two of your last games. One of them is about to lose and take a huge morale shot.

So Alabama and Auburn fans, sit down in front of the TV grab you some beer and chips and enjoy a perfect game on Saturday. These kind of match-ups between two teams you probably hate don’t come around every year. No matter who wins someone you hate loses!

O' Herring Where Art Thou?

It has become painfully obvious that Auburn’s new spread offense is not taking off quickly, and if we’re being honest, it’s going to be next year until we have a consistent offense that can be counted on. To take my mind off of this, we’re going to do what we do best:

Blame Will Herring for everything.

Herring is to blame for the atrocious punting Saturday night. Word on the street is that he injected starting punter Clinton Durst with the H5N1 strand of the bird flu, and then dosed backup Ryan Shoemaker with a stunning portion of Sambuca Inferno Ice early Saturday morning.

Last week, Chris Todd kept getting voicemails from a blocked number that repeated over and over again, “You’re like Ben Leard with less talent and mobility.” This image was also printed out on a dot matrix printer and put under the windshield wiper of his car:
It’s unclear whether this was done by Kodi the Burninator or Will Herring, so we’ll just go with Herring on this one.

Kodi the Burninator has apparently been kidnapped and is being held in a jungle fortress near Decatur being guarded by a vicious group of South Columbian rebels. This has Herring written all over it.

Herring had a Seahawks intern fly down to Auburn and steal the running portion of their playbook, replacing it with a single copy of the Mike Shula i-formation run up the middle play (AKA “the Darby Play”).

Herring disguised himself as new Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach Tony Franklin and had Chris Todd run extra reps telling him to “throw the ball more like a rainbow because it’s dramatic and the receivers think it’s more fun that way.”

The number “35” was spray painted on a security golf cart near the south endzone. This didn’t really hurt Auburn, but practically screams “Herring was here!”

After the game, offensive lineman Lee Ziemba said the LSU defender got by him to sack Todd for a 15 yard loss on Auburn’s final drive because he “saw a shiny 1979 Susan B. Anthony dollar on the ground right before the play started”. Knock knock. Who’s there? Herring.

I rest my case…

Week 4 Wrap Up: Featuring the Coors Light Knight

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Javon Ringer, RB for the Michigan State Spartans. He puts up 200 yards in the Notre Dame game this weekend and he is the center that holds together this team. By the way he’s as short as Gary Coleman and a hell of a lot classier. Nice job brining your o-line at your press conference. Ok so he’s only 5’8 and that’s really not that short, but for a running back with power like him it’s pretty damn small.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Florida State Seminoles. This was the year it would be different. The past two years of turnovers and embarrassing losses to Wake Forest was done. The Noles would avenge their past losses. The defense showed up, but the cocky Noles offense looked as inept as ever. Florida State turned the ball over 7 times which includes 5 picks. Don’t worry Noles fans, there’s always next year, and the next year, and the next year, and the next year . . .

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Auburn Tigers. Believe it or not this does not come from my hate of Auburn. Auburn fans you’ve always wanted to be a national player and guess what, you are. You are an elite program, but with elite status comes a lot of hate. I think this year you were 12 or 13 on the worst hated teams list. Don’t worry Alabama was the 8th most hated team. You played a good game against LSU, but the hate always catches up with you eventually.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
NC State makes Pickney fumble in OT. In week 1 it was the Pirates who had a miracle play, this week they were on the wrong end of one. NC State shattered ESU’s slim BCS dreams like just like reality shattered my dreams of being an astronaut/super hero. In all fairness there was no way for Pickney to see the defender coming as he was tackled from behind. I bet Skip Holtz wishes he would have kicked that field goal now instead of failing on a 4th down TD run.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Texas Tech shells UMass. The Red Raiders have played 2 AA teams and two very crappy division I teams, and then they complain they don’t get any respect. In what is quite possibly the easiest out of conference schedule in the country Texas Tech once again proved they can beat the crap out of team that they should easily beat the crap out of.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Bill Stewart, Head Coach of the West Virginia Mountaineers. There was over forty seconds left, the game was tied, and Pat White was driving down the Colorado field. They ran a play that didn’t work and as the clock ran Stewart looked a senile old man who had wondered onto the field and put a headset on. Finally after he had lost 30 seconds he called time out, time for one play which went nowhere. OT ensued and the Mountaineers were beat. Stewart I knew you would ruin the WV program, but this is way ahead of schedule.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Matt Grothe, QB for South Florida Bulls. What ranked team in God’s green earth plays Florida International 17-9? What team period plays FIU to 17-9? USF allowed nine points in the final three minutes of the game. To guarantee a win USF had to recover an onside kick. The offense was pathetic, Matt Grothe passed for 170 yards with no TDs. The offense, with four senior offensive linemen failed to get eight inches on a QB sneak. If they play like this against their Big East competition the Bulls can forget about winning the Big East. Hell Syracuse could have beaten them this week, and I can’t give any worse criticism than that.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Colt McCoy, QB for the Texas Longhorns. 329 yards and 4 TDs against a very reasonable Rice team really speaks to me about Colt McCoy. I’m not sure what that something is because I don’t know much about Colt McCoy, but I can tell you he is damn tough. While rushing for the end zone he was met by two Rice defenders and calmly bulldozed his way through them for the TD. Damn Tex didn’t know you had any Vince Young in you, except for that one night you two were experimenting.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Southern Methodist Mustangs. SMU used to be a powerhouse football school before they were slapped with the “Death Penalty” by the NCAA. They took their first step into leaving behind their losing ways by hiring Coach June Jones from Hawaii fresh from his Sugar Bowl appearance. It ain’t going great. As usual the Mustangs just can’t win as they have been blown out by Rice, Texas Tech, and TCU. I’d love to tell SMU to concentrate on what they are doing right, but they aren’t doing anything right so . . .

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Vanderbilt Commodores. Vandy is 4-0. Vandy is 2-0 in the SEC. Vandy is #21 in the AP poll. That’s right I’m total tripping balls on acid right now, but what I am typing is not a hallucination it’s very real. Not only is Vandy on a roll they several winnable games left against Duke, Kentucky, Mississippi State, and Tennessee (that’s right Fatty Fulmer). Seven or eight wins and a bowl appearance would be phenomenal for a team predicted to win 0 games by CFN sports. Go Dores!

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Sexy Ryder Cup Edition

After a week off from the rigors of producing sadly humorless undead copy for this trash blog, I’m back. That’s right kids, Uncle Bobby is back in the heavenly saddle, and ready to give you more of what you don’t crave. This weekend continued to prove my point that the robot FSU replaced me with is an inferior substitute (that’s an econometric term for you smarties).

The U.S. finally won a Ryder Cup. We’ve been trashed by the Europeans in this competition since 1999. It only took the better part of a decade for us to win another one. So what did we learn from this? Over the past ten years, the Europeans have excelled at four man scrambles (which, consequently is the only format that Drew considers legal), while the U.S. players (who are we kidding? I’m only talking about Tiger Woods here) have been good at playing real golf.

LSU’s backup quarterback hung 182 yards and two touchdowns on Auburn’s secondary in the second half to beat the Tigers. Auburn did get a pick six off of Lee, but that’s about it. Auburn led 14 – 3 at the half, and then their defense gave up towards the end of the 3rd quarter, allowing LSU to take the win. Apparently God has a sense of humor, as LSU coach Les Miles is once again rewarded for his stupid play calls with a win.

The SEC East looks okay though, as Georgia stomped Arizona State and Florida destructificated Tennessee. Yawn. The Pac 10 (save USC) still sucks and Fat Phil keeps eating cupcakes by the gross and losing. Call me when things get interesting next weekend please.

East Carolina is a bust against NC State? Really? In overtime no less? The Pirates kept giving the Wolfpack opportunities to upset them, and NC State finally took advantage of one of them. What lost the game? Maybe when Skip Holtz channeled Lou Holtz and decided to go for it on 4th and 1 instead of taking the field goal. Oh well, Holtz has earned my respect by getting a directional school into the top 15 and having a pirate named Pinkney on his team.

Five for Friday

It’s Friday again. And you know what that means: More useless and probably incorrect predictions from yours truly. To give you some background on my pedigree in this arena, I’m currently sitting in dead last in our ten game a week college football picks league. I’m pretty qualified to be doing this.

Boise State will crush Oregon’s injury drained spirits for the season. The Broncos are sitting on a fairly decent team this year with their rushing attack headed up by the eternally enrolled Ian Johnson. Meanwhile, the Ducks’ quarterback woes continue with fourth string QB Justin Roper out 2 to 4 weeks with a partial MCL tear. Is there something in the water up there? It seems like Oregon loses a player or two every week. Look for the Broncos to use an abundance of trickeration and first string players to seal the win.

Wake Forest will do their part to accelerate Bobby Bowden’s decline into absolute irrelevance by beating Florida State at home. To be honest, I think that when the odds makers favor the lower ranked home team over the higher ranked visitor (Wake is AP #18, FS is AP #24), they are just setting the home team up for the “upset”. Except we all know it isn’t an upset, because the higher ranked team wins. What I’m really trying to say here is that Bowden died in ’97 and was replace by an incompetent robot, and Drew Weatherford is a nice guy who just can’t seem to catch a break. The Demon Deacons are taking this one home, and I’m not just saying that because my father-in-law is a pastor.

Florida is going to help Tennessee volunteer to lose. See what I did there? Sure, there are concerns about the Gators’ defense, particularly the secondary, but those are easily mitigated by the Volunteers’ anemic offense, with Crompton having 2 TDs and 3 picks so far. But wait, didn’t Tennessee hang 35 points on UAB? Oh, I’m sorry… I forgot I was talking about UAB. Forget that last point. With Percy Harvin returning recovered from a heel injury and 30 lbs of muscle heavier, look for the Florida running game to get a much needed shot of juice. Tennessee’s defense is going to pose some problems for the Gators, especially in their running game, and playing at what looks like a garbage worker convention won’t help either. Look for Florida to take control by the second half, right around the time Tennessee self destructs in front of the home crowd.

Alabama is going to make Arkansas squeal like a pig. Y’know, because they have a pretty (metaphorical) mouth. Saban’s squad is looking much better than last year, and that much vaunted freshman class is proving to be almost as good as advertised. Jessica Parker Wilson hasn’t screwed up nearly as much as she usually does, and looks to be supported by a solid running game (hello Mark Ingram!), instead of having the whole weight of the offense placed on her shoulders. Meanwhile, Arkansas has… well they’ve got a good… no, that’s not really true… but they do… nevermind… they have Casey Dick. That’s it. They’re fucked. Look for this to be a bloodbath.

Georgia is flying out west to see the grand canyon, and while they’re there, they’ll probably destroy Arizona State. Let’s see, Georgia is the #3 ranked team in the country who laid an egg last week against South Carolina and barely squeaked by with a last minute interception, while Arizona State just lost to UNLV. Hmmm… which one to choose? Maybe I should flip a coin? Oh wait, this coin just has the word “Georgia” written on both sides. Well there you go. Look for the Sun Devils to “get up” for this game and play well the first five minutes, until the crushing memories of a last minute loss to UNLV send them into an Ohio State-like tailspin of self destruction, facilitated by the Bulldogs’ messiah, Knowshon Moreno.

Welcome to Thunderdome, Bitch: Auburn/LSU Preview

We now find ourselves three days and some change away from Auburn’s first big SEC test this year. We’ve seen the Auburn bounce back and forth between quarterbacks, show very little life on offense, and put up one of the best defenses in the nation. The first SEC game against Miss. St. proved that the defense was every bit as good as we thought, and that the offense was floundering worse than we had feared.

Meanwhile, LSU comes in with a solid overall team, with their only question marks coming from inexperienced quarterbacks, and potential weaknesses in the secondary. These Tigers are coming off a national championship and are driven to prove that they aren’t going to fall prey to the post-NC slump that has afflicted many teams in the past.

Auburn comes into this game with one huge advantage, and that is Jordan-Hare Stadium. As you’ve probably heard everywhere else, LSU hasn’t won in Jordan-Hare since September 1998. The Auburn fan base is going to come into this game hyped up for the first really big game of the season, while LSU’s fans will smell like corn dogs (Seriously, read that work of genius). Let’s cover both sides of the ball to see who has what going for them:

Offense:
Both teams are suffering at quarterback. Each team has two QBs, neither of whom have been particularly productive for either team. Look for some serious attempts to step up on the part of the quarterbacks to result in a turnover or two, due to how great both defenses are.

LSU has an advantage on the offensive line, with more experience over Auburn’s front four. Auburn’s line proved to be especially penalty prone during the Miss. St. game, and this gives LSU even more of an edge.

Both teams are fairly even in the running game, with Auburn running up 622 rushing yards over three games and LSU having 482 rushing yards over two games. Yes, LSU has only played cupcakes, and 216 of those yards came against a more than pathetic North Texas team, but Auburn also played LA-Monroe and hung 321 on them, so it’s more or less a draw. The one big negative for Auburn’s running corps is that they seem to have trouble holding on to the ball.

Defense:
The defense is where both of these teams shine. Both D-Lines are strong and fast, and have the potential to create turnovers on every down. Both teams are very strong against the run, but the edge on run defense goes to Auburn, simply because they’ve faced a decent ‘back in the form of MS State’s Anthony Dixon. Meanwhile, LSU has had to handle the likes of App. State’s Armanti Edwards and North Texas’ Cam Montgomery. Who? Exactly.

The secondaries may be the stories of the day for both defenses. For Auburn, Walter McFadden has proven to be a suitable replacement at DB for Aairon Savage, but Auburn’s secondary is still fairly inexperienced and allowed Southern Miss. to rack up 268 yards through the air. LSU’s secondary is similarly inexperienced, having given up 187 yards to App. State and 155 yards through the air to North Texas. If either team can get a solid passing game going, they will likely win the game.

Prediction Time:
Look for Auburn to win a very close defensive game that will end up somewhere in the low teens. Also, look for a few surprises (of the good kind) from the Auburn passing attack. Watch for Tony Franklin to glue the ball to the hands of the running corps. On the LSU side, look for their fans to smell like corn dogs.

Lest Ye Forget

Apparently, last weekend Slowhio State once again failed to live up to the media hype when playing an actual opponent. I promise, after this I'll let it go, but let me have my "rub it in post" (not to be confused with the "rub it out post" which should be up whenever I get enough pictures of hot girls).

If the Suckeyes are ranked in the top ten pre-season next year, then I promptly declare every single voter on all polls to be the victims of lead based paint ingestion, living under power lines, and/or possessing of trisomy of the 21st chromosome. When will the media (and Kirk) learn that this team is softer than a tollbooth worker's ass?

First I'll highlight Stewart Mandel's literary genius in which he aptly states that, "[Slowhio] State seemed so steadfastly determined to one-up its self-destructive performance against LSU in last January's BCS title game with another mind-numbing clinic in stage fright." Well said, Stewie.

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Next we'll head to Mark Kriegle's frank yet mean-spirited article (just the way I like them), in which he lauds the Suckeyes for their consistency in failure.

I leave you with a visual representation of my point:



We'll let the lovely Ashley have the last word:

Irish Eyes are Smiling

In what is sure to be the feel good story of the year for pretentious bandwagon fans of non-conference schools, "Rudy" has returned to Notre Dame. Well, not exactly, but Notre Dame is so desperate for players that they are playing a 5'9", 175 lb man-dwarf walk on named Mike Anello (pictured above, at right) on special teams.

I can hear the Notre Dame fans now, "But Drew, he has HEART! It's just like that nice actor who won an Oscar in Jerry Maguire, but then went on to do Boat Trip, said! He has Quan!" This is entirely true. Anyone who is shorter than I am and only weighs 20 lbs more than me who is willing to step on a Division 1A college football field for something other than a photo op has tremendous heart, and is also a moron.

Anello made a crucial play against the Michigan school for the deaf and blind last week, and had four (yes, I said FOUR) solo tackles against San Diego State. Please hold your applause for the end. He is a student section favorite for his story's resemblance to that of Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger. But wait, there's more! Anello actually knows Rudy's nephew in real life! Through wrestling! Well then this story is exactly like Daniel Ruettiger's struggle to not only get into Notre Dame against the odds but play football for the Irish, except I find it nowhere near as inspiring as Sean Aston's cinematic portrayal.

What I'm trying to say here is that Notre Dame is back, Lou Holtz was right, and the Irish will be in a BCS bowl by the end of Rocktober. This crow, it tastes bitter.

Week 3 Wrap Up: Kitten Ina Bag

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Todd Reesing, QB for the Kansas Jayhawks. Sure the Jayhawks lost to South Florida by a field goal, but Reesing was the star of that game. He made pinpoint throws, and led his team on two consecutive scoring drives to tie the game up. I know he threw the game losing interception but in the words of South Florida coach, “That quarterback for Kansas is awesome!”

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Arizona State Sun Devils. So the devils lost at home to the UNLV Rebels, and ESPN College Game Day will be going to Auburn instead of to Arizona State. This was supposed to be a tune-up game for the Sun Devils clash with the Georgia Bulldogs. Sorry Devils you still have to show up and play, even if it’s only a tune-up game.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
THE Ohio State Buckeyes . As our editor Drew would say, “Gotta love the Suckeyes!” One of the most hated teams in the world gets their ass kicked in what was supposed to be the game of the year. Once again the hate against Ohio state comes back to haunt them. Hawaii Bowl here they come.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
The Mountain West Conference. BYU beats UCLA, TCU beats Stanford, New Mexico beats Arizona, and UNLV beats Arizona State. The Mountain West beat the PAC-10 4-0 this week. Maybe USC and Oregon should join the Mountain West and let them become a BCS conference.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Missouri’s murder of Nevada. Chase Daniels and company led the Wolfpack 14-7 at one point in the 1st quarter, it never got that close again. Chase Daniels and Jeremy Maclin might be my one and two picks for the Heisman after hooking up on three TD passes. I hope Missouri plays Oklahoma for the Big 12 title. That would truly be the game of the year.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Greg Robinson, Head coach of the Syracuse Orange. Dennis Quaid and the rest of the stars from the movie “The Express” witnessed a horrifying rout as Penn State gutted Syracuse for 55 points. Greg Robinson is as good as gone. I suggest the Orange try and lure Skip Holtz away from ECU right now.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Chris Todd, QB for the Auburn Tigers. This award could just as easily go to the entire Auburn offense, but when you are the QB you lead the offense and so the award goes to Todd. I know the Bulldogs defense is good, but come on 3 points, 3-2 is the score of a Mississippi State/Auburn baseball game not a football game. Embarrassing for both teams.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Max Hall, QB for the BYU Cougars. 271 yards and 7 TD passes, is this guy a man or a machine. Hall picked apart the UCLA defense with scary ease and made a huge case for the Heisman race. This award was not even close this week, it was Max Hall and then everyone else.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Syracuse Orange. 127-52 is the margin in Syracuse’s three losses to Northwestern, Akron, and Penn State. This is the worst team in the BCS conferences. (sorry Duke this is what happens when you start winning) . You would think having celebrities and celebrating their illustrious past might get Syracuse pumped up and put up a fight but no such luck. The hapless Orange looked pathetic against the Nittany Lions. Don’t worry Syracuse fans basketball season will be here before you know it.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
USC Trojans. Sorry USC haters but go ahead and book the Trojans rooms in Miami for the BCS National championship game. As usual the Buckeyes scored first in a major game, and as in the 2006 and 2007 NC games they didn’t score much afterwards. USC is the best team in the country right now, and as much as I don’t like them, anyone who thinks they are not #1 is not being realistic. Hey they’ve collapsed before, maybe they will again. Until they do get on the USC train, it’s heading to Miami.

Monday Miscellany: Blame the Pokies Edition

I blame the pokies

Bobby Bowden’s Ghost will be taking a week off, but the Monday Miscellany will not. It was an interesting weekend, with some big egos taking very big bruisings. Without any ado:

Auburn decided to try playing European Football over American Football against Mississippi State. With a final score of 3-2, and all of the points on the board being scored by the Tigers, it appears that they succeeded. Auburn’s defense looked stellar again, shutting State down on all third down attempts. Neither offense showed anything resembling a life, and the Tigers did everything possible to keep State in the game with 3 turnovers, 2 missed field goals, a safety from a holding penalty in the endzone, and one very scary injury to tailback Brad Lester that saw him going to the hospital for evaluation. In fact, other than actually winning the game, Lester being reported okay towards the end of the fourth quarter was the offensive high point of the night.

Slowhio State once again proves me right. Soft conference, overrated team, media darlings, etc. I was willing to give the Suckeyes a chance to prove me wrong. If they had even played USC close I might have started printing their team and school name properly. Thank God they continued their pattern of “self destruction while on a national stage”. Let’s not take anything away from USC here, though. The Trojans played a flawless game and showed that, at the moment, they are the best team in college football. I wish Auburn would buy more high quality players like So. Cal, as apparently the NCAA does nothing about recruiting violations these days.

BYU did something awful to UCLA. At this very moment, Rick Neuheisel is in a court appointed moderator’s two-way mirrored play room, pointing at a doll to show where he was touched. Seriously, 59-0? In other news, Phil Fulmer’s stock has dropped 68% since the markets opened this morning.

Another year, another terrible showing against South Carolina for the Bulldogs. Georgia squeaked out a win over the Gamecocks 14-7. The Bulldogs were only able to put it away with an interception of a Smelley pass with 13 seconds left on the clock. A poll of everyone watching this game revealed that most people thought South Carolina should have won, with most respondents noting, “At least it wasn’t the Auburn/Miss. St. game.”

40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome, though lately we've sucked at that, so we're praying for a hit this week.

I'm going with the odds makers in Vegas this week. I've gone against them two weeks in a row, and that has made me look like a fool. This week's surrogate Rape-O-matics are the LSU Tigers. And who will our defending national champions be playing this week? Only the fearsome North Texas Mean Green, who are mere 42.5 point underdog to the Tigers. Holy God, that is a huge spread. The Mean Green (seriously?) come into this fiasco with the 106th ranked offense, and the 100th ranked defense, or as I call it, the rare "Double Triple". LSU is... well they're LSU. As much as I want to berate and mock them, they are still very solid, with their only significant weakness coming from an untested freshman QB. Around the beginning of the fourth quarter, look for the LSU kicker to start taking snaps at tailback, and a few LSU fans getting a shot at the QB slot, just to mix it up.

Five for Friday

Amen brother. Amen.

Welcome to Dammit Herring’s choice for the five most interesting games of this weekend, and the (uninformed) predictions of their outcomes. As the Cajuns say, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnjoooooiiiiiii!”

Fresno State will cut zee cheese in a rout of Wisconsin. Last week the Badgers proved that they had a passing game with QB Allan Evridge throwing for 308 yards and a single TD… against Marshall. So maybe they didn’t really prove much. Meanwhile, the Bulldogs are coming off a big first game win against Rutgers (somewhat tarnished by UNC’s thrashing of the Scarlett Knights last night), and are showing a defense that is much improved over last year. Look for Fresno State to test Wisconsin’s secondary early and often.

Michigan will add insult to Notre Dame’s priest-based injury with a sound bottom smacking. This game is only interesting because of the intense level of suck that will be present on the field on Saturday. Who can screw up the most, the fastest? Will the Clausen kid have a new, even more douche haircut? Will Rich Rodriguez have an ironic “I should have coached Alabama” shirt on? How many cupcakes can Charlie Weis fit in his mouth and still be able to say “Chubby Bunny”? Inquiring minds need to know.

South Florida will prove that they aren’t just a one-hit wonder against Kansas. This prediction is entirely based on the theory that within the first four games of the season, some team who is better than the Bulls have to be “Grothe-ed”. Mark Mangino’s Jayhawks have dispatched two fierce foes already (FIU and La Tech), but now they have to contend with the second best team in Florida, and the doubts as to whether a basketball school can win a few football games two years in a row.

Auburn will get some sweet payback against Mississippi State. After getting beaten last year due to multiple turnovers and a Miss. St. offense who wouldn’t give up, the Tigers are going to go wild on that Bulldog ass. A stellar Auburn defense will pay Dixon back in rape dollars, while an off and on offense should be able to put up enough points to cover the spread. This is all subject to Tony Franklin re-thinking his “fumble the first two drives in the red zone” strategy from the Southern Miss game last week. I know that Alabama residents say this all the time, but seriously, “Thank God for Mississippi!”

Southern Cal is going to break a top tier running back’s foot off in Ohio State’s ass, and then replace it with an expensive robot foot. Some people are saying that after the Suckeyes’ lackluster performance last week against Ohio, they are going to bounce back against the Trojans. These people are idiots and represent a living affront to reason. Ohio State’s defense will struggle to contain a multidimensional USC offense, while the Buckeyes’ offense will be slightly less threatening with the probable benching of RB Beanie Wells. Look for this one to be a laid back bloodbath.

Masterpiece Theater: Spurrier Edition

This classic Steve Spurrier clip shows the 'Ol Ball Coach's intensity, wit, and subtly nuanced acting style when forced to utter the key line of a major advertising campaign. "Click, Clack" indeed, good sir.

A Picture is Worth...

Four words: Willingham is so fired

via EDSBS

Week 2 Wrap Up: Now Wif Teef!

I, accompanied by Lil' Wayne's beautarific teef, will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Jake Locker, QB for the Washington Huskies. Why does Jake Locker get this award, for being the best sport I’ve ever seen over a bullshit excessive celebration call that cost his team the game. If he would have waited for that referee in the parking lot I don’t think anyone would have blamed him.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Not the 10-2 team Lou Holtz thought this team might be. Sure they won the game, but San Diego State lost to a team with like five names. This team is going nowhere fast. Plus what was up with Clausen’s hair. When you have a face like a frying pan, don’t grow California locks.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
South Carolina Gamecocks. Not everyone hates the Gamecocks, but a lot of people do hate the Ole’ Ball Coach. I like to think the hate of Spurrier made this beat down by the Commodores all the more special. With all kinds of problems at quarterback we may see the Gamecocks here again this year.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
BYU blocking Washington’s PAT after a Bullshit celebration call. I won’t go into the BS call again, but I will give props to BYU for blocking the PAT. Sure it was easier when the kicker had to worry about distance, but hey a blocked kick is still tough to do.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida State’s slaughter of Western Carolina. 69-0 pretty much says it all. There was hardly a member of the Seminoles that didn’t score a touchdown this week. The offense put up obscene numbers and the defense pitched a shut-out. Still the Catamounts are not exactly the cream of the AA crop. We will see how the Noles are against good teams.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Charlie Weiss. A squeaker over a terrible San Diego State will not save Charlie Weiss’ job. I’ll bet Notre Dame feels really good about giving him an extension right after his team got killed in the Sugar Bowl in 2006 because they were afraid he was being courted by the NFL. Money well spent.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Steven Threet, QB of the Michigan Wolverines. This is not your father’s Michigan Wolverines. Threet went 6 of 13 for 63 yards against Miami (OH). That is not getting it done. Michigan does not have enough talent at RB to not be able to throw the ball. Either Threet or Sheridan has to step up or it will be a long year for the Wolverines.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Sam Bradford, QB of the Oklahoma Sooners. Bradford threw 5 TD passes, and piled up 395 yards on a very decent Cincinnati team. Bradford has weapons everywhere and guess what, he himself has a lot of talent too. The Sooners may sputter down the stretch, but right now they are playing on a different level.

“The Einstein Award” (given to the commentator or analyst who actually got it right this week):
Mark May, Commentator for ESPN College Scoreboard. I like Mark May. He doesn’t usually go way out there on picks and he tries not to be biased. This week he didn’t pick any upsets, there really weren’t a lot anyway, but he made some very good picks and he backed up his picks with facts that made sense. Lou Holtz, you could learn a thing from Mr. May, like don’t spit when you talk.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
East Carolina Pirates. I’m jumping on the Pirate bandwagon. Where the hell did these guys come from, and where can I get an ECU jersey? Finally a talented Holtz. Head Coach Skip Holtz , RB Jonathan Williams, and QB Patrick Pickney have all the sudden got heads turning ECU’s way. Guess what folks, the two hardest teams on their schedule are done! Who’s left, NC State, Tulane, Virginia, and Houston. Can we say BCS bowl, or do we dare say NC game? Probably not NC game, but look out if ECU runs the table, they will be BCS bound.

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

Dead Bobby Bowden here. I had a great weekend playing golf with Lou Holtz’s ghost and Michael Irvin’s sportscasting career. I can hear you now: “But Bobby, neither you or Lou Holtz are dead.” Au contraire my little pepito. I died in early ’97, and Holtz died half way through his term at South Carolina. We were both replaced by life-like robots with no decision making capacity whatsoever. Contrary to popular belief, Joe Paterno is simply a really old guy, and not a robot.

Ohio State almost choked earlier in the season than usual against a team than was 6-6 last year, including a loss to Buffalo. Does this surprise anyone? Actually, yes it does. The Suckeyes are supposed to stomp their weak schedule and choke at the end of the year, not almost put up a repeat of the USC-Stanford game last year. And if anyone says they "finished strong" I will stab you in one eye. You get to pick which one.

A directional school won two games. In a row. Against ranked teams? What? I just looked and hell doesn't seem to be frozen over, yet here we are.

No happiness will be tolerated! At least as long as BYU is on the field. The refs imposed strict traditionalist Mormon values in the form of a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after Huskies QB Jake Locker failed to politely hand the ball to the ref while averting his eyes after a (theoretically) game-tying TD with 0:02 on the clock. This led to the Huskies blowing the PAT and losing the game. The order of blame is as follows: the Mormon faith, the refs, Washington’s special teams crew letting BYU through for the block.

The best part of Tony Franklin’s new spread offense at Auburn? Surprising the running backs by greasing their gloves with olive oil during the first two drives. Despite two fumbles in the red zone, my beloved el Tigres rallied to beat Southern Miss, and failed to cover their TE at any point during the second half.

40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome.

This week’s sex offender du-jour is the small throated Ohio State Suckeyes (because they choke, get it?). Their victim? None other than their in-state “rivals”, the Ohio *victims* Bobcats. The Suckeyes are favored by a massive 34 points, and should easily rack up double that if they are truly as good as their fans say they are every single year. This, like every other game that OSU plays in the Big Ten, is a creampuff game, and will end accordingly. But good for them keeping the money in-state by playing Ohio instead of some random division II team. Hearty congratulations go out to OSU for being able to do the football equivalent of owning kids in a race at the Special Olympics year in and year out.

Five for Friday

Click on the picture for a larger version that you can save and give to your friends

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the greatest schedule in the history of college football. This schedule is not great for the content held within, but for the ingenious presentation. I hope that every single Division I NCAA school follows suit. Hell, I hope every Division II school follows suit. I would have a much better idea of who was playing who if that happened. This lovely find courtesy of Poon of the SEC

Now, with no ado, here are the picks for the five most interesting match ups of the week, as determined by a panel of experts entirely devoid of expertise:

Boston College will have a wicked huge hahd ahn for Georgia Tech. After this weekend, only one of the two undefeated teams in the ACC will retain that distinction. Is the ACC the new Big Ten? Only time will tell on that one. On paper, BC should be able to handle the Yellow Jackets, as they have returned a very solid front four on offense. Ga Tech may be able to put up quite a fight here, as Paul Johnson and his option offense will give the Eagles a few looks that they may not have seen… since high school.

Auburn will make Southern Miss. squeal like a pig. Hey, if we’re going to be referred to as rednecks down on the farm (note to Alabama fans: Pot, meet Kettle), we might as well embrace it. Besides the fact that they have pretty mouths, the Golden Eagles are going to face the Tigers’ stout defense, consistently deep running corps, and a quarterback who will get more than a single series to get his rhythm going. The Eagles bring a new spread offense to the table, which could give Auburn some serious headaches in the secondary, but the Tigers should easily control both the offensive and defensive lines, and with them, Le game.

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Florida is going to rock Miami like a hurricane. *groan* That one almost hurt to type it was so bad. Florida still has some questions on defense, but with the continued solid play of one Tim “Baby Rhino” Tebow, and the return of Percy Harvin at tailback, the Gators should have enough offensive firepower to end an 6 game losing streak against the ‘Canes dating back to the mid 80’s. Randy Shannon has done an admirable job of bringing Miami toward some sense of respectability in a very short period of time, but in the end, don’t expect them to get the job done. I do, however, expect them to cover the spread. C’mon, you can keep it within 21 points you bunch of thugs.

Stanford is going to commit a cardinal sin on Arizona State. *double groan* You would think that the writing would get funnier as time goes on, but you would be wrong. The Cardinals are coming off a surprisingly good win over Oregon State led by junior tailback Toby Gerhart who had two rushing TDs last week on 19 carries. The Sun Devils’ fate rests solely on the shoulders of QB Rudy Carpenter, who has bulked up 20 lbs over last year in anticipation of a repeat of last year’s 55 sacks on the season. Carpenter’s arm is looking good, and it better, as the Sun Devils’ running game is anemic at best, with Carpenter leading rush yardage in their opener with a stunning 40 yards on 5 attempts. I love writing about Arizona State, as it gives me an excuse to post a picture of some of their hot coeds.

Notre Dame will, unfortunately, have to go to confession after squeaking out a win over San Diego State. I’m having trouble saying anything nice about the pathetic irish, and this is coming from an Irish Catholic writer. Statistically speaking, the Irish can’t be as bad as they were last year. There, I said something nice. Look for the Aztecs to give Weis and Co. fits by using what I can only imagine is a wishbone variant offense, but lose out in the end due to the fact that none of their players weigh more than 200 lbs. Also to look for: Notre Dame in a bowl game if they win more than 4 games this year.

Quarterbacking That Ass Up On The Plains

After one game using two quarterbacks, Auburn is now confusificated. Kodi “the Burninator” Burns was 4 for 9 with 15 yards passing and 69 yards rushing (heh). The Burninator ended up leaving the game in the 3rd Quarter due to a cut on his leg that resulted in seven stitches. Buck up little camper, chicks dig scars.

Meanwhile, Chrissey “the Demon QB of Fleet Street” Todd was 9 for 18 with 70 yards passing and -2 yards rushing. Chrissey had the positive of throwing Auburn’s only passing touchdown, and the negative of throwing Auburn’s only interception.

Offensive coordinator Tony Franklin managed to throw off both quarterbacks and the entire offense by swapping them out each drive, effectively ensuring that neither QB could get a decent rhythm going. Add in the fact that both guys are feeling the pressure of their final auditions for the starting job, and you have a fine recipe for the aerial disaster that we saw on Saturday.

For this week’s game against Southern Miss, the Demon QB will get the start because of the Burninator’s injury. While I personally think that the Burninator would be the best option for Auburn’s offense long term, we’ll see how Chrissey does. I’m rooting for at least one of them to succeed, if not both. If given a chance to get his rhythm going, I think Todd will do fine.

This issue has been hashed over by much more intelligent writers and fans than myself, so I’ll limit my commentary to what I know: awesomeness. Kodi the Burninator is such an awesome name. I would much rather make repeated posts with the awesome “consummate V’s” and Kodi spitting fire than the terrible job I did on Todd’s photoshop. Sorry buddy, your name just doesn’t lend itself to as awesome a nickname as Kodi’s does.

Long story short, Todd’s knowledge of the spread offense will give him an advantage in the short term, until Kodi can catch up. On the other hand, the Burninator’s added running dimension makes him the most viable long term candidate to best run the spread (or whatever modified version we’re using).

Week 1 Wrap Up

We will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Kevin Craft, QB for the UCLA Bruins. When you throw four interceptions in the first half of a game, and then come back out and lead your team on two successful TD drives. You my friend have nerves and balls of steel.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Pittsburgh Panthers. Not much of a contest here. Pittsburgh believed the hype and got beat at home by Bowling Green. Bowling green is ok, but when you are preseason #25 you do not lose at home to Bowling Green.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Michigan Wolverines. Most people don’t like the Wolverines, and many dislike their new coach Rich Rodriguez. He needed to deliver a win against a very good Utah team, and he couldn’t deliver. I like to think the hate had something to do with that.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
East Carolina blocking Va Tech’s last punt for a TD. What made this a miracle was not just the fact that the pirates ran this block back for a TD. It was that this was a play that won Coach Beamer many a game. Does your medicine taste bitter Coach Beamer?

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
USC’s slaughter of woeful Virginia. Ever seen a muscular man fighting a scarecrow, Virginia put up less of a fight then the scarecrow. This was men against boys, as Mark Sanchez and company demolished and dominated Virginia in every possible.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Dave Wannstedt, Head coach of the Pitt Panthers. Already on the hot seat before the season began the faithful at Pitt were giving Coach Dave one more chance. He is not off to a great start. A Big East championship good still save his career, but that looks very doubtful now.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Sean Glennon, QB of the Virginia Tech Hokies. Beamer’s decision of picking Glennon as his starter and red-shirting Tyrod Taylor had a lot of people scratching their heads. After the beat down by ECU we really are confused. Glennon was terrible in almost every aspect of the game, ECU really didn’t play that well. When his team needed him to make plays Glennon came up very short.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Graham Harrell, QB for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Granted they were playing Eastern Washington, but 536 frigging passing yards. This team does not know the meaning of the word run. Graham, I hope you rest that arm because your Coach Mike Leach is throwing his rushing play book away.

“The Einstein Award” (given to the commentator or analyst who actually got it right this week):
Kirk Herbstreet, Host of ESPN College Gameday. My boy Herbstreet was on it this week. He hinted Bama might beat Clemson by more than a touchdown, he predicted upsets at Virginia Tech and Pitt, and he’s damn good looking.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Alabama Crimson Tide. Sorry guys this is not a biased pick. Alabama and Clemson took a risk by playing one of the only two high risks games this week, the other being Mizzou and Illinois, and for the Tide it paid dividends. The Mizzou and Illinois game was good, but stayed close. Alabama dominated almost every aspect of the game. They controlled the line of scrimmage and ran the ball very well. They might fall apart next week, but this was the week of the Tide!

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

The afterlife provides the best viewing of college football, and this weekend was no exception. The heavenly big screens were on full blast in 4-HD (you’ll be getting this on earth in a generation or two) and the collegiate footballs were all the talk around the holy water cooler.

Mah boy got the shaft! The favored children of the ACC fall to Bama, and I call shenanigans on Rick Saban and Alabama’s defense. A petition has been made to the almighty to have his Saban-ness on the receiving end of a moderate smiting.

Beanie Wells hurt his foot. I had nothing to do with this. It’s simply a reflection of how Slowhio State’s fans’ actions and words continue to bring the wrath of God upon them.

Florida should be brought up on charges. Isn’t rape still a crime down there?

Several Auburn players were injured while attempting to fly. Apparently the pilots down on the plains need more qualified flight hours before attempting to take to the air again. The good news is that Auburn’s defense and special teams are still as good on offense as they were last year. Tuberville blamed former OLB Will Herring and his “high gravity machine” for the Tigers’ struggling aerial game.

Pitt lost to Bowling Green and Virginia Tech lost to a Directional school in a pair of “upsets”. Wait a sec. Let me repeat that so that you can understand the gravity of that statement. VIRGINIA TECH LOST TO A DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL. That’s like losing a foot race with a fourth grader who has polio. Seeing how we’ve pretty much stamped out polio, it’s both improbable and sad.