The Cristal Baller: Georgia

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season found the Dawgs (sick ‘em?) ranked pre-season number 1 with a veteran QB/RB combo of Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno. While they ended up with a respectable 9-3 regular season record, big losses to Alabama, Florida, and Georgia Tech made the season somewhat underwhelming. It didn’t help that the offense sputtered in big situations and the defense gave up an average of almost 26 points per game.

This year’s Georgia team is a bit of a question mark. Playing the role of Matt Stafford this season will be Jr. QB Joe Cox. From my own personal experience, QBs with Cox for a last name tend to be slow moving with a penchant for underthrowing receiver’s routes (See: Cox, Brandon), but I wish the Bulldogs the best with him. WR A.J. Green will continue to be a big play threat, but Georgia’s offensive line is going to have to step up for every game to help their inexperienced QB in a conference that traditionally doesn’t fare well for first year starting QBs. The Bulldogs also start their year against a solid Big 12 opponent in Ok. St. which could make or break them on the season. These are by far my most questionable picks because neither I, you, or Lindsey Lohan have a clue as to what Georgia is going to do this season.

Season Predictions: 8-4

Oklahoma St. 28 UGA 17
No matter how I look at this game, I can’t see UGA pulling it out. The cowboys are coming off a very solid 2008 season with more experience and some solid performances against some of the country’s best (including a “much closer that the score indicated” game against Oklahoma). Meanwhile, the Bulldogs are rebuilding their offense around Cox, and their defense is suspect at best.

South Carolina 24 UGA 21
I’ve said before that I think the Gamecocks are going to be a dangerous team this season because of how they play and where they are on certain teams’ schedules. Georgia is one of those teams. Look for SC to succeed where they came up short on their final drive during last year’s nail biter against the Dawgs.

Arkansas 31 UGA 28
I feel like the Arkansas offense is going to hit their stride this year and make some serious waves in the SEC. This will be one of those games, as the Razorback offense is coming in with home field advantage and even more experience than last year against an inconsistent UGA defense. Arkansas’ offense simply matches up better against UGA’s defense than vice versa, and that’s going to make the difference.

UGA 24 Arizona St. 10
This should almost be a repeat of last year’s game (which ended with a Dawgs win 27-10). The Sun Devils could be a threat, but I see the superior talent of Georgia carrying them through this home game easily.

UGA 17 LSU 14
I know what you’re saying at this point, “How the hell does this moron pick UGA to lose to Arkansas but win against LSU?!?!?!” This is how: LSU is OVERRATED this year, and this is a home game for the Bulldogs. I think this will be one of the best SEC games of the year, and will come down to Les Miles yet again making some incomprehensibly dumbshit call to attempt to win the game, except this time lady luck will give him a dirty sanchez and laugh at him.

UGA 28 Tennessee 14
Yes, I know that Tennessee has Eric Berry on defense, but he’s about all they’ve got. Look for an inexperienced Georgia squad with talent to railroad a less talented Tennessee squad that should be gasping for breath at this point under rookie SEC head coach Elaine Kiffen. I’m kind of hoping that Cox starts putting things together at this point in the season.

UGA 21 Vandy 10
Even building on last year’s success, I can’t see the Commodores topping UGA this year, unless the Bulldogs are absolutely decimated with injuries at this point. Look for a close game in the first quarter, followed by Georgia extending their lead and giving up some garbage points in the 4th.

Florida 38 UGA 10
I can actually see why Georgia coach Mark Richt wanted to move the GA/FL game to a “more neutral site” like Atlanta, because who the hell wants to play football in Jacksonville in late October (when it’s still damn hot). Don’t pay any attention to the fact that the stadium is almost always split 50/50 between FL and GA fans. Oh, the game? That’s not going to go well for the Bulldogs, who I expect to lose 2 players to injuries/being eaten because of Brandon Spikes alone.

UGA 28 Tenn. Tech 6
This is a gimme game. I’m looking for the Bulldogs to vent some serious frustration on the… hold on a second… this takes forever to load… (there it is!) Golden Eagles. Whew. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to figure out that mystery in time, but there you go.

UGA 24 Auburn 17
The Auburn defense will hold up well against the Bulldogs, but will eventually wear down due to offensive miscues by the Tigers. I hope to God that I’m wrong on this pick, but frankly I don’t think I am. Aw shucks, the fact that this game is being played in Athens doesn’t help matters much. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.

UGA 31 Kentucky 10
By this point in the season I think we’ll see Rich Brooks’ squad run down and out of what little luck they had to start the season, while Cox and the UGA offense should be getting their feet under them a bit. Look for garbage points for Kentucky in the 4th and tears from Rich Brooks’ eyes in the 3rd.

UGA 24 Georgia Tech 17
The Dawgs come into this little affair with a bit of a chip on their shoulder after a soul crushing loss to the Yellow Jackets last year. I heard that Mark Richt needed a whole box of Oreos and a pint of Hagen Daas to get over last years loss. This year he will be celebrating with the same menu.

The Cristal Baller: LSU

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

With an obscene amount of talent and a little bit of pure luck (such as West Virginia losing to Pitt) LSU won a national title two years ago. Then they lost Glenn Dorsey, Matt Flynn, Jacob Hester, and Early Doucet to the NFL and “Superstar” Ryan Perrilloux to drugs, gambling, and Jacksonville State. So Les Miles tried to pull the same bag of tricks out of his hat with an inferior team. They went 7-5. *Cough*

Guess what though? LSU will probably return to good form this year, they still have a lot talent and a good quarterback in Jordan Jefferson. Most of LSU’s problem last year was that they had no quarterback play. Jefferson will have a great target in Brandon LaFell and Heisman candidate Charles Scott might be the best running back in the SEC this year. I like LSU to rebound in a big way this year. Look for “The Hat” to be back up to his old tricks.

Season Predictions: 10-2

LSU 31 Washington 13
LSU comes out firing right off the bat and spanks a still struggling Washington team. Look for Charles Scott to shred a weak Washington defense behind big LSU OT Cirion Black. Washington will be unable to move the ball against a tough SEC defense.

LSU 24 Vanderbilt 10
Look for a surprisingly close game going into the second half and then look for the Tigers to start imposing their will on the Commodores. Don’t be surprised if you see the defense get into the scoring act and help the offense out.

LSU 42 Louisiana-Lafayette 21
Will the in-state Rajun Cajuns be able to hang with the Tigers? No they will not. Jefferson, Scott, and LaFell should all be resting comfortably by the end of the third quarter. I know Troy almost beat the Tigers last year, but the Rajun Cajun’s are not the Trojans. LSU should dominate.

LSU 27 Mississippi State 16
The last time that LSU played State in Starkville they won 45-0, but I think Dan Mullen will have the team a little more prepared than Sylvester Croom. The Bulldogs will hang with the Tigers like Vandy till LSU’s superior talent flexes its muscles and pulls away.

Georgia 31 LSU 24
Despite what happened last year during the Bama black-out, Sanford Stadium is not the easiest Stadium to play in. Many teams have been defeated “between the hedges.” I really like Georgia in this contest. Sure they have a new QB and RB but the O-line might be the best in the country (yes I know what I’m talking about). I like Cox to score a 4th quarter TD to put the Bulldogs on top.

Florida 31 LSU 24
Mark it down right now. This will be the game that scares the life out of the Florida nation and almost ruins their perfect season. I not only LSU will hang with Gators, but they will be leading at the end of the third quarter. Then look for Tebow (also known as the Blessed Virgin to Florida fans) to dig deep and rescue his team with some last minute heroics.

LSU 30 Auburn 14
I really despise both of these teams. But I guess I’ll be okay with LSU dominating Auburn on both sides of the ball and sacking Chris Todd into oblivion about 60 times as the LSU D-Line easily pushes around the Auburn O-Line.

LSU 34 Tulane 0
Believe or not this is considered a rivalry game for these two teams. I don’t really understand that. In LSU’s first shutout of the year I like Tulane to completely fold under the weight of a team whose second string team is better than their starters. Fun Fact: to call this rivalry game Tulane, you might have to win one or two.

LSU 31 Alabama 21
Must we go into this game? It almost killed me just to write that score line. LSU beats Bama which makes their upcoming match against Ole Miss a playoff game to see who goes to Atlanta. I hate this prediction, but . . . I hate this prediction.

LSU 30 Louisiana Tech 17
Tech is no pushover but I don’t see them putting up much of a fight against LSU. Miles will probably show off some of his freshmen. He will rest some of his starters after a lead is secured in preparation for the Ole Miss game. Look for this to become five star WR recruit Reuben Randle’s coming out party, in football not homosexuality.

LSU 24 Ole Miss 17
Back to Atlanta the LSU Tigers will go if my predictions are right. LSU gets revenge for the bayou beat-down hey received last year. I really like Jordan Jefferson to make some smart throws to LaFell and others and secure a win at Oxford.

LSU 41 Arkansas 28
Revenge on Bama? Check. Revenge on Ole Miss? Check. Revenge on Arkansas? Big check. The LSU D lets some points slip through but their offense easily outplays a very shoddy Razorback defense. And so the SEC Championship looms for the Tigers. Will it be a rematch with Florida? Yes it will be.

The Cristal Baller: Tennessee

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season was a bit underwhelming for Tennessee fans, with the Volunteers going 5-7 in what most people would agree was a bit of a down year in the SEC where they STILL lost to a sad sack Auburn squad (Vol fans thanked God at the end of the season for the existence of Vandy and Kentucky). The season ended with no bowl game, and opponent favorite (to hate) coach Phil Fulmer being “released” with all of the dignity of a toilet being flushed.

This year the Tennessee faithful are showing signs of inexplicable hope under new head coach Elaine Kiffin (he of former USC offensive coordinating and failed Oakland Raiders head coaching fame). Kiffykins (not my nickname, but I like it, so I’ll use it) has stirred up both Volunteer fans and the rest of the SEC with his “writing checks his ass can’t cash” style of speaking. In Elaine’s defense, he has put together a fantastic coaching staff with defensive coordinator Monty Kiffin (his father, of Tampa-two NFL defensive fame), and Ed Orgeron (who can recruit and coach, but not head coach). Unfortunately, no amount of coaching firepower will make up for the fact that outside of “King Badass Safety who should be considered for the Heisman” Eric Berry, Tennessee doesn’t have a tremendous amount in the way of talent. Incoming freshman may make a few waves, but look for this to be a rough year for the Vols, especially during the Florida game.

Season Predictions: 5-7 [Editor's Note: Hey! That looks familiar!]

Tennessee 21 Western Kentucky 7
This should be a good start for the season. The Hilltoppers will give the Vols a much needed confidence boost to start off the season. I say much needed, because it is all downhill from here. I’ll take the “over” on Eric Berry eating 2 or more West Kentuck receivers whole during this game.

UCLA 28 Tennessee 17
And so the slide begins. After being eeked out by UCLA last year to start a turrible season, the Vols are looking for revenge. What they will actually find is a team that has learned from last year’s mistakes, has some good young players coming in to their own with the benefit of last year’s experience, and has more than just one player who is any good. Loss at Neyland = Laughing Alabama/Florida/Georgia/etc. fans.

Florida 105 Tennessee 0
Urban Meyer is not happy with Elaine after she took a few pot shots at him during the recruiting season. Meyer said nary a word about it at the time, but he has typically not been one to let things go. This guy is a grudge machine. So let me be the first one to make this ridiculous prediction: The Gators are going to hang a hundy on the Vols in the biggest smackdown of the year. This will be my 50Lb Box of Rape for the third week. God help those poor little guys in puke orange on that day.

Tennessee 17 Ohio 14
I see this being quite a close game, but the Vols are eventually going to pull it out for two reasons: One, this is a home game, and playing in Neyland stadium is a lot like playing in a sewer with rats who throw half empty whiskey bottles at you, and two, because they are going to have some serious frustration built up over last week’s emasculation at the hands of Florida.

Auburn 24 Tennessee 14
Is this a bold prediction? Hell yes it is. The offense is a giant question mark, and we’re incredibly suspect in the secondary, so how the hell can I justify picking them to win against the Vols at home? Easy, Tennessee is worse than us this year. Even if we don’t have an offensive juggernaut, Berry is really the only defensive threat, and their offense will not be able to hold up to AU’s defensive front. I still have a feeling that Berry is going to put one of our RB’s in the dirt in a highlight worthy moment at least once (hopefully only once).

UGA 28 Tennessee 14
Tennessee is going to be winded at this point, plain and simple. Their lack of depth is going to start to show, and the Dawgs should be getting their engine running at this point in the season. Mark Richt is not going to want to be the team in the SEC that loses to the Vols this season, and his team should help make that a reality. Look for Kiffin to be openly sobbing on the sidelines at this point in the season.

Alabama 35 Tennessee 0
I’m calling this game “Florida Redux”. Bama is going to be coming into this game with a chip on their shoulder thanks to Elaine and former Tide coach Lance Thompson’s chirping after Thompson left the Tide’s coaching staff in the offseason. Much like Urban Meyer, Saban doesn’t say a whole lot to the press, but he’s looking to dole out some hurt. Alabama’s Defense is going to be nasty this year, so don’t be surprised if this game looks like a re-hash of last year’s Iron Bowl, except worse because Alabama fans hate Tennessee even more than Auburn.

Tennessee 10 South Carolina 7
Spurrier inexplicably drops one or two games a year for no good reason. One of this year’s games will be against the Vols on their home turf. I don’t have a much better explanation for this game except to say that even a blind squirrel is going to find a nut every once in a while, and this feels like the kind of game where the Gamecocks implode in spectacular fashion.

Tennessee 21 Memphis 6
This is the kind of game where Eric Berry alone can win it for the Vols. Go ahead and mark this monster down for a defensive TD, and count on the Volunteer offense to produce two more. I see at least one of the Tigers’ two FGs coming as garbage points in the 4th.

Ole Miss 28 Tennessee 10
The Rebels may not be all that with a side of Baked Lays, but they have more than enough experience and firepower, not to mention home field advantage, to handle the Vols this year. Houston Nutt will continue to make funny faces on the sidelines while leading Ole Miss to victory over the ugly orange.

Tennessee 21 Vandy 3
This game should probably not be televised. A suck-filled Tennessee versus a Dyson powered suck machine in Vanderbilt. Who will win? No one who actually watches this game. In lieu of this crapfest, may I humbly suggest that you check out the Food Network’s marathon of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? Everything on that show looks delicious. Damn, now I’ve gone and made myself hungry.

Kentucky 10 Tennessee 7
I know that this is cause to push the “Upset Alert” button, but for some reason I just can’t see Rich Brooks not getting one lucky win on the season. This game is ripe for the picking, as it is a home game for the Wildcats and the football gods are pretty much going to owe him one after the way they’ve been trounced on up to this point in the season. It would also add a wonderful punctuation mark to the end of Mrs. Kiffin’s first collegiate head coaching season. Welcome to the SEC, madame.

The Cristal Baller: Ole Miss

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

No other team in the entire 120 team field of Division I football teams has more pressure to succeed than Ole Miss this year. Everyone has been saying, after their exciting win against Texas Tech, that Ole Miss is heading to Atlanta. It’s not that surprising a prediction with their ace quarterback Jevan Snead returning and most of the defense intact. Also let’s not forget the only team that beat Florida last year was Ole Miss.

Personally I don’t agree with the pundits that say that Ole Miss will fold under the weight of all this preseason hype. Personally I think they will play great and have a very solid season. Of course it helps when you have the most disgustingly easy out of conference schedule ever conceived by man. In out of conference play this year they face the powerhouses: Memphis, UAB, Northern Arizona, and Southeastern Louisiana. Two Division II teams and two C-USA teams! Come on Ole Miss grow some balls!

Season Predictions: 10-2

Ole Miss 35 Memphis 13
Ole Miss sets a precedent right away as the preseason favorite blasts away at a shaky Memphis D. Look for Jevan Snead and stud receiver Dexter McCluster (next Percy Harvin) to score on several big plays and the defense to clamp down. This game will be televised on ESPN as its premiere game of the day, because the game will be played on Sunday.

Ole Miss 38 Southeastern Louisiana 3
It’s the Mighty Ole Miss Rebels versus the Mighty Lions of Southeastern Louisiana in a match-up that will look closer to that scene in the movie 300 where the Spartans are chopping everyone’s heads off than it will a football game. Speaking of the movie 300, it’s a good flick to see if you haven’t yet. Speaking of this football game, I would just ignore it at all cost.

Ole Miss 17 South Carolina 10
When I think of Mississippi and South Carolina I think of two great states that keep Alabama from being on the very bottom of a lot of “Worst” lists. That aside I think this will be a very good game both teams trading TDs and FGs, culminating in a last minute drive from Ole Miss to down the Gamecocks. Hey Drew, you know all about downing a Gamecock don’t you. [Editor's note: Nice]

Ole Miss 24 Vanderbilt 7
Vanderbilt beat Ole Miss at home last year for those of you who don’t remember. I kept checking to see if hell had frozen over. Look for a tough Rebel defense to shutdown a very suspect Vandy offense. The good news for the Vanderbilt quarterback, your pants are black and that will hide the urine stain you make when you see the Ole Miss tackles running at you.

Ole Miss 17 Alabama 14
This might be the game of the year, with Ole Miss almost assured to be 4-0 and Alabama 4-0 or at least 3-1 (losing to Va. Tech). Whoever wins this game has a very good chance to win the West (LSU will be in it). I like Leigh Tiffin to miss a game tying kick in the fourth and Ole Miss go on to run out the clock and win the game.

Ole Miss 42 UAB 10
Ole Miss plays its second of three games versus a team from Alabama this year by beating the stuffing out of a terrible UAB team. Dexter McCluster will have a field day against UAB’s “defense” and he and Snead should both be out of the game by the middle of the third quarter playing NCAA 2010 on their X-Boxes.

Ole Miss 31 Arkansas 21
In what should be a fairly high scoring affair in a SEC game I like Houston Nutt to beat his former team like he did last year. As good as Arkansas’ offense will be I don’t see their defense doing much against Ole Miss’ offense. There is no love-lost between these teams and I look for a lot of cheap hits and a lot of grab-ass.

Auburn 17 Ole Miss 14
I’m sure if this web page has any Ole Miss fans, they will probably think I’m a lunatic of some kind. Well I am a lunatic but only because of my obsession for erotic cakes, not this prediction. I like Auburn in this game. With Tennessee and vastly more importantly LSU looming on the horizon I like Ole Miss to fall in this trap game.

Ole Miss 48 Northern Arizona 3
Ole Miss takes revenge after the Auburn loss the only way it knows how, by literally kicking the crap out a very bad and small Northern Arizona squad.

Ole Miss 31 Tennessee 14
Ole Miss will absolutely wipe the floor with the Volunteers who will not be able to stop Snead and McCluster. The offense should also be anemic versus a very tough Rebel D.

LSU 24 Ole Miss 17
Ole Miss beat LSU at Tiger Stadium last year. Why shouldn’t the Tigers beat Ole Miss in Oxford. If things go like I expect them to go this game will probably decide who wins the SEC West. I like “The Hat” to pull off just enough tricks to get LSU a victory.

The Cristal Baller: Arkansas

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Arkansas’ 2008 season was marked with some highs (beating LSU at the last minute) and some lows (Losing to Miss St.). They got beaten by Kentucky, but also beat Auburn and continued a ridiculous win streak at home against the Tulsa Golden Hurricane. Bobby Petrino’s offense was inconsistent under quarterback Casey Dick, and his defense was even more so, giving up an average of 33 points per game (ouch).

Now I may be crazy (I’m on pills for that), but I see Arkansas as the dark horse for the SEC west. And if they get into the SEC Championship game, who knows? Maybe they will murder Florida’s first and second string players and have a shot at the title. Look for Petrino’s offense to finally find some footing under Michigan transfer QB Ryan Mallett’s experienced hand, and look for their defense to give up less points because, frankly, it would be hard to give up more than they did last year.

Season Predictions: 8-4

Arkansas 35 Missouri St. 17
I don’t see the Razorback offense having any significant trouble with the Bears, but I do see their defense having a shaky start. If they can shut out Missouri St., it would provide a lot of confidence to a defense who is going to take a week off and then face Georgia.

Arkansas 31 Georgia 28
This score may look confusing, but I think Arkansas’ defense matches up just slightly better against UGA’s young offense under QB Joe Cox, than UGA’s defense does against Arkansas’ offense. I’m looking for a tight game with a last minute drive for a winning FG by the Razorbacks. The fact that this is a home game tips the scale toward the Razorbacks.

Arkansas 27 Alabama 24
Upset alert! I realize that this game is being played in Bryant-Denny. I realize that I am on record saying that Alabama’s defense is going to be one of the best in the country. Even with both of those facts, I see Arkansas catching Bama off guard after two cupcake games against FIU and North Texas. Look for another close game, where the Crimson Tide’s young offense leaves the door open for the Razorbacks to steal a win.

Arkansas 24 Texas A&M 14
I know that Arkansas didn’t exactly have a stellar year in 2008, but they still played in the SEC. On the other hand, A&M went 4-8 in the Big 12 South, against the likes of Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Tech, who were do-si-do-ing around the top 5 for half the season. I still like Arkansas to top the Aggies using guile and well placed Oklahoma jokes.

Arkansas 21 Auburn 14
Shut up. I don’t even want to hear it. I’m trying to be honest here, but after last year’s 2nd half meltdown against Arkansas, I really want to predict my Tigers to win here. Reality is a cruel mistress, and she won’t let me pick the inferior team in this matchup. Auburn’s defense is good enough to hold Arkansas off, but they will wear down when Auburn’s offense keeps them on the field too long.

Florida 48 Arkansas 14
If I’m correct up to this point, the Razorbacks will be riding an ESPN driven hype train into this matchup with the Gators. That train is going to derail in a horrific crash that will claim even the women and children, leaving only charred bodies and tears in its wake. Florida has too many weapons and LB Brandon Spikes may actually eat a Razorback offensive lineman in the first quarter, just to prove a point.

Ole Miss 28 Arkansas 17
The pundits in the local and national media seem very high on Ole Miss this year. While I don’t think they will be able to surprise as many teams as they did last year, I do think they are legitimately decent (when they are able to keep their roster out of car crashes and the back seat of cop cars). I think the Rebels’ offensive talent will overwhelm a Razorback defense that is still using an inflatable donut to sit down after last week’s run in with Florida.

Arkansas 31 Eastern Michigan 17
After being beaten up and down by Ole Miss and Florida, the Razorbacks get to vent some frustration on a directional school. The only downside to this game is that no matter how cold it is in Fayetteville on the day of the game, the Eagles will think that they’re playing in mild summer weather.

South Carolina 24 Arkansas 21
While I don’t see the Gamecocks having a stellar season, they are still a very dangerous team. They don’t have the benefit of being a “trap” game on Arkansas’ schedule (like they do on Bama’s), but I still see Spurrier’s squad having just enough to edge out the Razorbacks by a FG.

Arkansas 35 Troy 28
Troy almost had one of those “signature victories for a mid-tier program” last year against LSU, but the Tigers stormed back in the 4th quarter to give them a loss. Something like this should happen again, if I had to guess. Troy will put up some serious offensive numbers, but their defense is not good enough to keep the Razorbacks out of the endzone. And don’t forget the home advantage, as drunk pig fans get surly when you score in their stadium, so the Trojan offense will be dodging bottles of George Dickle’s finest as well as defenders.

Arkansas 24 Miss St. 13
Petrino has had a few years to get things going in Arkansas. Dan Mullen is in his first year as a head coach, and has the unenviable job of “turning around” a sub-par (I’m being kind) program. Survey says: Arkansas can get a W playing their scrimmage squad.

LSU 31 Arkansas 14
Don’t expect a repeat of 2008’s last minute theatrics. LSU is going to come into this game with a chip on their shoulder because of last year’s game, and because I’m guessing they are going to have a few losses already and this game may have some bearing on who heads to Atlanta. I still don’t think LSU is going to be as good as most of the pundits are predicting, but their defense will leave the Razorback offense smelling corn dogs after the hits they’ll be giving out.

The Cristal Baller: South Carolina

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

South Carolina vs. NC State was the first game I watched last year. South Carolina put up a great 34-0 win on the Wolfpack and the future seemed bright once again for Spurrier and company, but South Carolina can always find a way to become a marginal team. The Gamecocks finished the year with a disappointing 6-6 record that included losses to Vandy, Georgia, a beating by hated rival Clemson and an absolute murder by Florida (56-6).

Spurrier has to make something happen this year. I’m not saying he is in the hot seat, but he might realize after another fruitless year that he will never be able to get it done at South Carolina. He might retire. Stephen Garcia looks to return as quarterback and the defense is always good. The time has to be now for South Carolina. In the past the Gamecocks could always say, well at least we are better than Vanderbilt. After last year’s loss that might not be the case anymore.

Season Predictions: 6-6

North Carolina State 20 South Carolina 17

Once again these two kick off the football season on Thursday night. I think the outcome will be very different this year. NC State looked tough and got better as the year ended, South Carolina got worse as the season wore on. I like the Wolfpack to squeak out a win at home.

Georgia 24 South Carolina 13

I just don’t think South Carolina will be able to do much offensively to Georgia at home. Georgia’s offensive line might be the best in the SEC this year (no I’m not being sarcastic) and should get lots of yardage out of their passing game.

South Carolina 31 Florida Atlantic 13

Two losses to start of the year makes the Gamecocks really mad and they will take it out on a decent but overmatched Florida Atlantic team. I’d like to see a Gamecock and an Owl (FAU’s mascot) fight before I watch this game.

Ole Miss 17 South Carolina 10

In what will be very similar to the Georgia v. South Carolina game last year. I predict that Ole Miss drives down the field and makes a touchdown late in the fourth to beat a very, very subdued stadium.

South Carolina 38 South Carolina State 0

Ever seen a fight between MMA fighter Chuck Liddell and an old arthritic woman, this game might resemble that. Except the old woman has a chance.

South Carolina 17 Kentucky 3

This game has the feel of an almost shutout game. Maybe Kentucky squeaks a field goal by a very good South Carolina defense, but don’t bet on it.

Alabama 17 South Carolina 14

In this game I think both teams probably struggle to throw the ball. I like Bama’s running game better than the Gamecocks and so I like them to win.

South Carolina 24 Vanderbilt 14

Spurrier had bad diarrhea after his squad got beat by Vanderbilt last year. This year Spurrier says no to diarrhea and no to losing to Vandy. I like the USC defense in this game.

South Carolina 21 Tennessee 17

Steve Spurrier (the old king of being an ass) vs. Lane Kiffin (the new king of being a dick), its games like this when I think, how can both of these guys get beat. I like the Spurrier after all there is only so much Eric Berry can do.

South Carolina 28 Arkansas 14

The Gamecocks win their 3rd straight SEC game by stopping Petrino and the Razorback offense dead in its tracks. ESPN starts saying that next week’s game against Florida could be a trap game for the Gators. AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Florida 28 South Carolina 3

Spurrier would love to get this win over his old team. But hell I want work for ESPN and take Chris Fowler’s job. It’s more likely I’ll get what I want Spurs.

Clemson 17 South Carolina 10

This “rivalry” makes me think of naked women, because usually when it’s on TV I think about naked women instead of watching this usually boring fiasco. But since I have to pick a winner, why not Clemson, they’ve done it the past two years.

The Cristal Baller: Mississippi State

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season, like most seasons for the Bulldogs, was not good. They went 4-8, were part of one of the saddest games that college football has ever seen (a 3-2 loss to Auburn), and managed to get a coach that everyone genuinely liked, Sly Croome, fired.

Can things get worse this season? God, I hope not. The only way that things could get worse is if a Pompeii-an style volcanic disaster hits Starkvegas. Miss. St. hopes to start anew with rookie head coach Dan Mullen, he of National Champion Florida Offensive Coordinator fame. Mullen is putting some great new ideas in place and hopes to turn the Bulldogs into a competitor in 3 or 4 years. Let’s be honest, if Spurrier can’t do a damn thing with a mid-tier SEC east team like South Carolina, how far do you think Mullen is going to get with the dregs of the west?

Season Predictions: 3-9

Miss St. 14 Jackson St. 12
Dan Mullen beats Jack Crowe as a head coach already, hands down. Unfortunately the players on both teams are probably evenly matched in the skill and talent categories. Look for the Bulldogs to win, but I’m guessing they give up a safety at some point.

Auburn 14 Miss St. 0
This is not a commentary on Chizik’s coaching abilities over Mullen’s, it’s just a fact that Auburn always has good defense, and this year will be no exception. Look for at least one of those AU TDs to be put on the board by the defense. I’m praying that we don’t get a repeat of last year.

Vanderbilt 17 Miss St. 10
The Commodores are looking to build on last year’s stellar season (well, stellar for Vandy) and I don’t see the Bulldogs standing in their way for too long. This game will probably be as boring as a dating show focused on fat people.

LSU 28 Miss St. 6
I’ve been saying for months that LSU is way overrated in everyone’s pre-season rankings, and I firmly believe that this season will expose Les Miles for the true dufus that I know he is. So what does it say about Miss St. when I have LS-Who beating them by 22?

Georgia Tech 21 Miss St. 13
I always hate predicting an ACC team to beat an SEC team. I feel like I should give any SEC team the benefit of the doubt against the ACC. But there are exceptions to every rule, and most of them start with, “Except for Mississippi State…”

Miss St. 17 Houston 14
Now we’re talking! I think that with all they’ve been through, the Bulldogs will savor this victory over the (insert Houston mascot name that I’m too lazy to look up here)’s in front of the home crowd. This is going to be such a sad game that I wouldn’t be surprised if this one doesn’t even get broadcast on radio.

Miss St. 21 Middle Tenn. St. 14
That’s right, ladies and gents. We’ve got the Bulldogs getting into the 20’s for their first game of the season. Middle Tennessee is no pushover, so… I can’t do this. I can’t try to talk up MT St. to make our one (occasional) reader who is a Miss St. fan feel better. Honestly, this is as good as the season is going to get for you guys. It’s all downhill from here.

Florida 77 Miss St. 3
So here’s the math on this score. I’m assuming that Florida will get 3 possessions per quarter, save for the 4th quarter where they will only get two possessions due to mercifully running out the clock. I’m also assuming that Florida will get a TD on every possession, and will give up a pity FG to Miss St. in the 4th.

Kentucky 14 Miss St. 9
Ugh. Here we go again. The bottom of the barrel from the west takes on the bottom of the barrel from the east. At least Bulldog fans have the hope that their team will get better in the future (that’s called a zinger, Mr. Brooks). It would be a tragedy if this is televised, as I would rather watch a badminton match for blind people than pathetic display.

Alabama 31 Miss St. 6
With Mississippi State’s defense looking so strong this year, look for them to smother Alabama’s less talented offense under their new system. The Mississippi State offense should be hitting their stride at this point in the season, so look for them to do some damage against Alabama’s struggling defensive front. Now swap the teams’ names around in the previous two sentences and you’ll have my actual opinion of what will happen in this game.

Arkansas 24 Miss St. 13
I’m going out on a limb here and saying that Petrino will have his system up and running very well at this point, especially with the addition of Michigan quarterback transfer Ryan Mallett. I’m not going out on a limb by saying that Miss St. will still suck at this point in the season, and that the entire team may just want to forfeit their last two to four games.

Ole Miss 28 Miss St. 10
I don’t think the Rebels’ defense is good enough to keep even the Bulldogs out of the end zone at least once. I do think their offense, led by QB Jevon Snead, will tear two new holes (side by side) in Mississippi State’s defensive ass by the end of the third quarter. This will be an ugly end to an ugly season. Commence drinking now, Bulldog fans, so that you don’t have to remember this season as it happens.

The Cristal Baller: Kentucky

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Kentucky has the hottest coach on the market and pulled maybe the best recruiting class of all time . . . in basketball. With Calipari probably bringing Kentucky B-ball back to the forefront it will be up to Rich Brooks to keep some spotlight on a very decent Kentucky football team. Brooks has built up Kentucky football into a respectable program and shouldn’t surrender all the limelight.

Kentucky had a decent year last year that ended in a Liberty Bowl victory, but they will be hard pressed to keep that up this year. In their first six games Kentucky has a chance to go 1-5 and a slim chance to go 0-6. This schedule gets moderately better in the second half of the year. But I wouldn’t count on a bowl this year unless returning QB Mike Hartline can really move the offense.

Season Predictions: 4-8

Kentucky 28 Miami (OH) 17
This is an away game for the Wildcats and the Redhawks might not be terrible but I don’t see Rich Brooks having too much trouble with this sub-par MAC team.

Kentucky 31 Louisville 24
While most rivalry games are at the end of year this heated one is right at the beginning. Louisville coach Steve Kragthorpe is literally hanging by a thread at Louisville, and beating their rival would help his cause. It won’t happen as Kentucky outscores Louisville and plays better D.

Florida 41 Kentucky 17
Unless Tebow, Spikes, and the rest of the Gators gets struck by lightning look for this to be a blowout of epic proportion, as Kentucky does not match up in any way to the mighty Gators.

Alabama 21 Kentucky 10
I don’t foresee Kentucky keeping it close last year. Bama should effectively stop the big blue offense and score a few points of their own.

South Carolina 17 Kentucky 3
This game has the feel of an almost shutout game. Maybe Kentucky squeaks a field goal by a very good South Carolina defense, but don’t bet on it.

Auburn 28 Kentucky 9
You’ll have to see my Auburn review for this to make sense, but Auburn will be reeling after two losses and will take out their aggression on a worn out Kentucky offense. Tough three weeks playing Alabama, Auburn, and South Carolina’s D. I feel bad for Hartline.

Kentucky 27 La-Monroe 7
After the Alabama fiasco, don’t expect La-Monroe to be beating anymore SEC teams in the near future. Kentucky should have no problem running all over the Warhawks.

Mississippi State 14 Kentucky 10
I’m sorry Kentucky fans but I foresee the worst. You will be beaten by Mississippi State. I think by now new coach Dan Mullen will have Mississippi State’s offense working and the D should have no trouble with Kentucky’s offense.

Kentucky 34 Eastern Kentucky 13
The odds on Eastern Kentucky winning are 300 to 0 meaning a bet of $0 pays $300. Still there are very few takers.

Vanderbilt 21 Kentucky 17
This game might very well decide who wins the SEC East, if Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, and South Carolina all contract leprosy. I like Vandy’s D over Kentucky’s offense.

Georgia 34 Kentucky 20
In keeping with Kentucky’s punching bag status, Georgia fresh of their loss to Florida, gets revenge the only way they know how. Beat up a very average Kentucky team at Sanford stadium. Beware the black-out Wildcat fans.

Tennessee 20 Kentucky 13
Nothing would make me happier than seeing Tennessee and Lane Kiffin humiliated by the Wildcats. Sadly for Kentucky fans what I want usually doesn’t happen at the end of the season.

The Cristal Baller: Vanderbilt

[Editor's note: We're baaaaaaack!]

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season was full of surprises for Bobby Johnson’s squad, not the least of which was them going to, and winning, a bowl game against 24th ranked Boston College. Vandy started the year going 5-0, with solid wins against South Carolina and a one point victory over Auburn (Editor’s note: Blargh). They proceeded to lose their next four games, including a barnburning 10-7 loss to Duke, until they pulled out a sixth bowl eligible win against Kentucky. Bobby Johnson sent Rich Brooks a fruit basket with a very sincere thank you note after that game. True story.

This year the Commodores hope to build on last year’s successes, but with games at LSU, South Carolina, Florida, and Tennessee, and the loss of QB Chris Nickson and standout CB D. J. Moore, it’s going to be a hard road to hoe. Vandy is going to need new leaders to step up on both sides of the ball very quickly, especially with a week 2 game at LSU. Who am I kidding, these poor bastards are toast (but not burnt to a crisp Miss St-style toast). On the plus side, at least Auburn doesn’t have to play them this year!

Season Predictions: 3-9

Vandy 21 Western Carolina 14
This game is going to be a snore-fest. The back-to-almost-worst-in-the-SEC-if-it-wasn’t-for-MS-St.-and-Kentucky Commodores versus a directional school. I can hardly keep my eyes open writing about it. The only way to make this game interesting is to play to audio from the game over last year’s footage of that lingerie football game that was played during the Super Bowl.

LSU 37 Vandy 10
I think that most people are overrating LSU this year. So do the math to figure out how bad Vandy has to be when I have the Tigers (who I don’t even think are the best team in the SEC West) hanging 5 TDs and a safety on Vandy. I’ll give you the answer so you don’t have to do all of those nasty calculations: Richard Grieco’s acting talent-bad (That’s REALLY bad). Also, it’s a home game for LSU, and Tiger Stadium isn’t exactly the friendliest place on earth.

Vandy 17 Miss St 10
The Bulldogs are going to suck this year, but I look to this game as a showcase of what new coach Dan Mullen is going to hopefully be able to do with the offense in coming seasons, which is nothing. Because it’s Mississippi State. Get it? I hope that instead of putting this game on TV they re-run one of those “Librarian” movies starring Noah Wiley. Those movies are like pork rinds for the mind.

Vandy 10 Rice 7
This game looks to be a heavyweight matchup in the way that “According to Jim” looks to be funny. This does not bode well for either team. Since this game is at Rice, I’m left to wonder if any of Vanderbilt’s students or fans actually travel to their away games. Even in down years you’ll see UA, AU, Florida, or LSU fans wandering around their away games, but when your team is guaranteed to suck (or your money back!), who pays to go to these things?

Ole Miss 31 Vandy 6
The only reason that I’m keeping the Rebels’ score as low as I did was because it is a home game for Vandy and I’m assuming that they get a little lethargic when overcome by the Nyquil-like atmosphere in the Commodore’s home stadium. I was impressed when I heard that Vanderbilt had upgraded the visitor’s locker room this year with extra comfy cots for halftime napping.

Army 28 Vandy 21
This is the army we’re talking about. Even though their players aren’t going to be the best of the best in college football, they’re still hardier than a bunch of private school players. Everyone knows that higher academic standards mean softer and less skilled football players. That’s why South Florida has done so well lately. Can you fog up a mirror most of the time? Welcome to the University of South Florida, son.

UGA 21 Vandy 10
Even with both teams dealing with a significant number of replacements on both sides of the ball, it’s still not even going to be close. If I don’t have the Commodores beating Army, I sure as hell won’t have them beating Georgia. This game only looks as close as it does because I’m assuming that Vandy steps up their game just a hair because this one is at home, and I’m giving them 10 garbage points in the 4th.

South Carolina 28 Vandy 14
After last year’s surprise victory over the Gamecocks, I have a feeling they’re going to come into this game with their eyes wide open and whip on Vandy like an angry farmer with a stupid mule. South Carolina is at home for this one, and the Commodores still suck, so don’t look for any surprises, unless maybe Spurrier gets a haircut or something. Will he go with the bowl cut, or the side part? The suspense is killing me.

Georgia Tech 21 Vandy 7
I’m going to assume that at this point the team morale for Vanderbilt is going to be so low that midgets will be lording over it. The triple option versus low talent and even lower self esteem. I wonder who’s going to win this one? When Vandy is playing, rarely does anyone truly “win”.

Florida 45 Vandy 3
This could be a real trap game for the Gators. Stop laughing. I’m serious. The Commodores could be so broken down at this point that they might resort to laying actual bear traps, pitfalls, and snares on the field just to have a chance against Florida. The real question isn’t “how much is Florida going to win by?” but “Will Tebow even play in this game?”

Kentucky 7 Vandy 6
Rich Brooks versus Bobby Johnson. The eternal struggle for dominance of nothing. This game is a lot like the playoffs in a North Korean badminton league. No one cares who wins, not even the participants. Look for Vandy’s kicker to be the hero of the hour, but Kentucky will ruin his dreams of glory with a TD somewhere between the 1st and 4th quarters.

Tennessee 21 Vandy 3
Can we say “rivalry game”? I thought so. New Vols head coach Elaine Kiffin will be trying to close out a difficult first season (most of which was his own fault) with a win over their only in-state rival. This should not be a hard task to accomplish at Neyland stadium, as that place is hard to play in just because of the smell alone, not to mention the puke-inside-of-a-pumpkin orange that is glaring from the home crowd.