Rumors A-Churnin' Down on the Plains UPDATE: Tuberville So Fired

Tuberville gone? Mike Leach in the running as a replacement?

The entirety of this post is heresay, so please treat it like you would anything you hear on the internet, as fact.

What I’m hearing out of Auburn is that Tubbs is gone with a capital “O”. And a capital “G”, “N”, and “E”. Apparently he met with Athletic Director Jay Jacobs (can we fire him too?), President Jay Gouge, and a few Board members, who told him that he had to dump the bulk of his offensive staff. Tubby said “no” and told them that if they didn’t like it, they know what his buyout is. Supposedly, over the past two days meetings have been going on between Tubbs and the administration to negotiate a reduction in the buyout.

This leads us to the follow up, who will Auburn get to replace Tuberville? Apparently contact has been made with Texas Tech coach Mike Leach, who, according to the same internet facts that I’m sourcing above (the astute ones among you will notice I have not actually sourced anything yet), is interested in the Auburn job if it’s on the table.

So if this is all true, what does this mean for our Tigers? I have no damn clue. I would love to see some actual offensive production from Auburn, but worry about how a Big 12-style spread offense would hold up against even mediocre SEC defenses. What I really want to see from this administration and the Board of Directors is the desire to find a coach who will win a National Championship, not just beat Bama every few years. Yes, Tuberville gave us our best shot at a National Championship in 50 or so years, but he has also squandered talent, lost a game he shouldn’t have almost every one of those ten years, become complacent, and has been misguidedly loyal to staff members who should have been sent packing in 2003.

Do I support Tuberville going at this point? Yes. I think it’s time for a change at Auburn. However, I worry that whatever change comes, it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. War Damn Eagle!

UPDATE:
Per Evan Woodbery Tommy Tuberville is out as the head coach at Auburn. I can't say that I'm sad to see him go, but I do want to convey my respect for what he did for Auburn University. I may have not liked his coaching style or the way that he conducted himself during contract negotiations, but he brought Auburn football to a level of prominence nationally that we have never seen. Good luck to you in the future Mr. Tuberville. And ding! dong! the Tubershell is dead! WOHOOOOO!

Week 14 Wrap Up: Bat Dance!

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Roddy Jones, RB for the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. How do you beat the Georgia Bulldogs? Apparently you beat them by running the option over and over again. Roddy Jones racked up a bunch of yards and 2 TDs as the Yellow Jackets competed in a 5k rather than a football game. Though they didn’t win the ACC Coastal division, I think Paul Johnson and company will take a nice bowl and a win between the hedges. The victory ends a seven year losing streak against Georgia.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Georgia Bulldogs. What happened Georgia fans? Your team was preseason #1. Now they will have to settle for the Capital One Bowl, maybe even the Cotton Bowl. Those are both good bowls but more than what the Dawgs were hoping for. Georgia ended the year with a poor defensive effort against their hated rivals, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. With Stafford probably leaving, the question becomes was this Georgia’s best chance to win a BCS title.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Baylor Bears. I have no problem with the Bears; I just really wished they could have beaten the Texas Tech Red Raiders. When they had a 28-14 lead in the 3rd quarter I figured they ha d it in the bag. If they had won the right team in my opinion (The Texas Longhorns) would be the ones going to the Big 12 Championship. Instead Texas must sit on the sidelines and watch two teams it beat play for the Big 12 crown. Just doesn’t seem fair.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Billy Flutie throws TD pass for Boston College on trick play. It was a perfectly executed fake field goal. Executed by Billy Flutie, nephew of Doug Flutie who could pose for the “Do You Believe in Miracles Award” since he had the most unbelievable play in Boston College (and probably NCAA) history. Billy Flutie, the punter, back-up QB, and holder threw a nine yard pass for the game winning TD. The play fooled me. I didn’t see it coming. His uncle Doug put BC into a big bowl game with his famous Hail Mary. Billy Flutie has kept BC in the mix by getting them into the ACC Championship.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Boise State trounces Fresno State. This award is not very fun. I think I’ll cut it next year.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Les Miles, Head Coach of the LSU Tigers. I hate to say it, but I love to see “The Hat” suffer. Actually I don’t hate it at all. I hate that smug little smile of his. Miles gets this award not because I believe he will be fired (he did just win a national title), but because LSU fans are pissed. Not only did he lose to hated rivals Florida and Alabama, but since the Bama loss LSU has had to overcome a 30 point deficit to knock off Troy and suffered home losses to Ole Miss and Arkansas. Don’t be surprised if Miles jumps at the chance to coach at Washington.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Pat White, QB for the West Virginia Mountaineers. There have been a couple of people I thought would never be on this list. Pat White was one of them. It wasn’t that I thought he was perfect, but he is usually a very solid player. This week however, as good as he did running (90 yards and a TD) he went for 140 yards and 2 interceptions passing. A QB has got to be able to throw. Pat White just couldn’t get it done against the team that cost him a National Title shot last year.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Chase Clement, QB for the Rice Owls. The Owls knocked off the Houston Cougars and stopped them from going to the Conference USA Championship game. It was due in large part to Clement who threw for over 300 yards and five TDs. This guy has been putting up big numbers like that all year. His Houston counterpart put up similar numbers but Clement threw zero interceptions. Advantage Clement.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Central Florida Knights. Why do the Knights get this award? It wasn’t just the fact that they were beaten by the woeful (and namesake for this award) UAB Blazers. They were actually shut-out by UAB. Final score was 15-0. It’s like a really one-sided baseball score. Central Florida was Conference USA champion last year. How the mighty (I guess) have fallen. Shut-out by UAB, it just sounds weird to say.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Cincinnati Bearcats. Who was going to win the Big East this year, and go to a BCS Bowl? Like most people I thought the list would run: West Virginia, Pittsburgh, South Florida, and maybe Connecticut; surely not Cincinnati who lost their starting QB Ben Mauk. Instead they beat the Mountaineers, the Panthers, and the Bulls to clinch a share of the Big East title and then beat Syracuse this week to win it outright. Not only did the Bearcats win the Big East they also have won a berth in a BCS Bowl, most likely the Orange Bowl. Hello $17,000,000.00 payout! Use the money to make your stadium bigger.

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape is here again! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

Ugh. It actually physically pains me to write this. This week’s recipient of surprise sex is none other than my beloved Auburn Tigers, who were absolutely destroyed by the Alabama Crimson Tide (tell me that doesn’t make you think of a period) 36 – 0. Not only was it a shutout, but if you put that through the SEC to Other Conferences score converter, it works out to more like 100 – 0. I actually stopped watching this game continuously halfway through the third quarter. After that it was just popping back into the room to watch a disastrous play or two, and finally to see the backup UA quarterback, McElroy, hang a quick touchdown on us for good measure. Ugh. This was the kid who they wouldn’t let play during the Tulane game, mind you, and they put him in against us… and he scored… Damn that’s depressing. I know it’s been four days since this game, but my ass still hurts.

Week 13 Wrap Up: Bikinis!

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Demarco Murray, RB for the Oklahoma Sooners. Why does Murray get this award? For most of the year I’ve heard talk that Murray and other Sooner RBs were the weak part of the mighty Sooner offense. Not this week. Murray ran all over the field for 125 yards, 2 TDs, and also 70 yards worth of receptions. Give the player of the game award to Bradford if you want, but he had all day to throw the ball. Murray simply pounded away. He was almost never stopped.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Texas Tech Red Raiders. I think a lot of people thought that Oklahoma was going to win this ball game. Almost every Big 12 showdown this year has come down to who has the ball last. But this game was nothing short of an embarrassment for the Red Raiders. Bradford, Murray, the Oklahoma defense all came up big against Texas Tech. Harrell did fine, but not up to his normal standards and ditto for Crabtree. Oklahoma’s defense came to play and the Texas Tech defense finally showed their true colors. Texas Tech saw its National Championships, Big 12 Title, and Heisman hopes get dashed in one game.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Maryland Terrapins. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Does anyone want to win the damned ACC? This week it was Miami and Maryland who controlled things. Guess what happened, they both got beat. Maryland was absolutely embarrassed at home by a fired up Florida State team. FSU scored plenty of points and stifled the Maryland offense. Once again it looks like the ACC championship game will come down to Boston College vs. Virginia Tech. Won’t that be a treat to watch?

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset) :
Oregon State’s last minute bomb sets up a game winning field goal. The Beavers provided a very exciting game on the Versus channel for those of you who were bored watching Oklahoma spank Texas Tech. Down 17-16 with about 50 seconds left, Oregon State’s QB Sean Canfield hit a wide open Sammie Stroughter for a 47 yard pass. The Beavers ran down the clock, and kicker Justin Kahut (who had just missed a PAT) hit a 24 yard field goal as time expired to win the game. Mike Riley and the Beavers smell the Roses, and only the “Civil War” with Oregon stands in their way.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida spanks the Citadel. I won’t dignify this game with a comment. Except for that one. And that one.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Charlie Weis, Head Coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Notre Dame needs to find some buyout money quick because Notre Dame is sinking fast. Weis needs to come clean and tell the world he was just not meant for the college game. Sorry Charlie but losing to Syracuse proves you don’t belong.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Max Hall, QB for the BY U Cougars. So you are playing your hated in-state rival and have the potential not only to stop them from going to a BCS bowl, but maybe get a chance to go yourself. What does your starting QB do? Why he throws 5 interceptions of course. The BYU and Max Hall that played TCU showed up again for this game. It cost the Cougars bragging rights, a BCS berth, and most of their dignity.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Darryl Clark, QB of the Penn State Nittany Lions. One week you win the “Will Herring” award and two weeks later you a “Voltron award” winner. Darryl Clark had a fantastic game against Michigan State, shredding the Spartan defense for almost 400 yards and 4 TDS, not to mention a running TD. How do those Roses smell Lions? Can we say rematch with Oregon State? Can we say some disappointed Pasadena residents?

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I won’t go into details since I’ve already talked about this game and team a lot. Notre Dame has great talent and still stinks. It’s nobody’s fault but the coaches. I feel really bad for the seniors. Your final home game and you lose to Syracuse. It doesn’t get worse than that.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Oklahoma Sooners. Was it me or did every offensive player on Oklahoma look huge? Oklahoma did almost everything right in this game. They scored rushing TDs, they scored passing TDs, they intercepted Harrell, they picked up fumbles and ran them back for huge yards, and they played stifling defense. Mike Leach looked clueless, the Red Raider o-line looked disgruntled, and Harrell and Crabtree looked flustered. Oklahoma is in the driver’s seat to play in the BCS National Championship game. Scoreboard bitches!

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape is here again! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

This week’s recipient of the donkey punch du jour (almost some more alliteration there) is the Citadel, who had the misfortune to play a Florida squad who is trying to rack up the style points in another bid for the National Championship. All things considered, it was nice of Florida coach Urban Meyer to call off the dogs around the middle of the second quarter, leaving the Gators with a paltry 51 point margin of victory with a final score of 70-19. And I am not being sarcastic when I say that Meyer was being nice, as Florida could have easily hung a hundy on the Citadel without breaking much of a sweat. Baby Rhino Tebow threw for three TDs and Florida had a combined six rushing touchdowns from five different players (surprisingly, none of whom were named Tebow). Despite the score, it wasn’t all about Florida on that field on Saturday. I have it on good authority that most of the mothers of the Citadel players thought their sons looked “very handsome in their uniforms”.

LoLCats: Notre Dame a l’orange edition

In all of the ruckus surrounding Texas Tech’s asswhupping at the hands of Oklahoma, you may have missed that Syracuse, you know, the team that was so bad that they weep openly before games and whose only wins were over Northeastern (that’s a school?) and Louisville, beat the Notre Dame Faltering Irish 24-23.

Nah, you probably didn’t miss that. You, like the bulk of Americans, were squealing with glee as the final score update flashed across the bottom of the screen of whatever tolerable football game you were watching, because you sure as hell weren’t watching this sad excuse for a game. And if you were, would you like to clean my car for free, since you obviously have a tremendous amount of unproductive free time at your disposal.

So to recap, Charlie Weiss is now 28-20 in four years at Notre Dame, giving him approximately the same winning percentages as previous Irish coaches Bob Davie and the much maligned Tyrone Willingham. Kudos go to the ND athletic department, who managed to replace a tolerable coach in Willingham with an insufferable lardass who had one good year off of Willingham’s players, and has consistently led the Irish to ruin since then. The cats… they are laughing at you.

Me Manifesto on Auburn/Georgia

Editor’s Note: Yup, this is a week late, but Auburn didn’t play this weekend, so it’s still valid and… what? No, you shut up.

If I could figure out how to give these posts subtitles, this one would be: The one where I didn’t say “fuck” in front of a little kid.

The game was a lot better than I thought it would be, what with us leading in score for about a quarter of the game, and Kodi the Burninator (yay!) throwing for 179 yards and 1 TD with absolutely no picks (yay again!). The Burninator kept showing glimpses of how good I kept expecting him to be all season, but he has yet to have a game where everything clicks into place. This game was no exception, as Kodi went for a passable 16/30, but failed to deliver the ball accurately during the big end-game drive.

Georgia looked flatter than my abs (that’s pretty flat!) with their only bright spots coming from middle to fair showings from Stafford and Moreno, but even then both of those guys were kept reasonably in check by Auburn’s defense (compared to the West Virginia and Ole Miss games, jackass…).

The real story during the 4th quarter was Georgia’s best players, the zebras. This will come off as a bit whiny and fan biased, and perhaps it is, but you shut up and listen first, then complain. Georgia’s last scoring drive was helped along by a phantom pass interference call against Auburn DB Jerraud Powers, which left coach Tuberville spitting mad and glaring at the offending line judge for the next three plays. On the play following the phantom penalty (that was some serious bullshit), Georgia receiver AJ Green pushes down Auburn DB Walter McFadden way past the line to keep him from getting a good angle on the ball and an interception and… oh what’s that? No flag. A blatant offensive pass interference incident just went uncalled because I’m assuming the same line judge who flagged the previous play was glaring back at Tubbs.

Georgia in effect receives 30 free yards on that series and manages to put up a good throw from Stafford to Green for a TD, taking the lead 17 - 13. Georgia gets Auburn to punt on the next series, goes 3 and out, and pins Auburn back to their 20 or so. The Burninator leads us on a very decent drive with two very solid third down conversions (these are some of the moments where I see Burns’ potential). Auburn gets down to the Georgia 14, and on a 3rd and 1 play, the left side Auburn receiver is blatantly fouled by the Georgia DB (names escape me at this point because I was so incredulous at the turn of events), and once again, the zebras miss it.

I’m not going to be one of these jackasses who says the the refs “cost us the game”, as we had another down on 4th and 1 with 13 seconds left and still failed to get it done, and Burns overthrew Tate in the end zone. But what the refs did was cost Auburn the opportunity to win the game, and stack the odds in Georgia’s favor significantly with a net results of 45 yards that all went in Georgia’s favor. I realize that Georgia was penalized out the wazoo during the first half with 9 penalties for 95 yards, but when the game was on the line, the officials failed to keep it fair. Granted, Auburn has been stagnant in the red zone all year, and Saturday’s game was no exception, but to miss that pass interference call at such a key point in the game is inexcusable. I hope that Tubbs and Auburn file some sort of grievance, for all the fucking good that will do.

On the plus side, I saw an Auburn team that really looked alive for one of the few times this season, and saw the potential for some good things if the administration and Board of Directors stops fucking with this program like it’s a veteran porn star two years past her prime. Oh, and I didn’t say “fuck” or any of the other choice words I had floating in my head for the zebras because a little kid was around at the place where I was watching the game, so good for me.

Week 11 Wrap Up: No Clever Subtitle Edition

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Jacquizz Rodgers, RB for the Oregon State Beavers. This dude impresses the hell out of me. He’s 5’7, doesn’t have a lot of bulk, and plays on the same team as his brother. Oh yeah and he leads the PAC-10 in rushing yards. This dude had this award coming after slicing his way through a USC defense that many say is the best in the country. This week was slow as he only had 144 yards and a TD against a good California team. It makes you think what this guy might accomplish if he was just a little bigger.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
LSU Tigers. I’ll be the first one to admit that LSU is not that great this year. In fact the Auburn/LSU game was not close because both the teams were so good. It turns out they were just equally weak. But trailing Troy 31-3 at home on homecoming is ridiculous. Look, I give them props for scoring 30 unanswered 4th quarter points, but come on 31-3 against Troy. That’s embarrassing.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Mississippi State Bulldogs, Stanford Cardinals, and Illinois Fighting Illini. It was revenge week in the NCAA as Alabama, USC, and Ohio State all faced teams that upset them last year. Bama and USC beat their respective teams by 20 or more points and OSU beat Illinois 30-20. The upsets are fun for the rest of the nation to see, but for the fans of the big programs revenge is a dish best served by beating the shit out a very weak team. Yea!

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Wisconsin gets two back to back safeties to keep Paul Bunyan’s Axe. One safety is bad enough but two in a row should make Minnesota hang its head in collective shame. Especially since the final score was 35-32. Adam Weber, QB of the Golden Gophers, needs to learn that if he thinks he is going down in his end zone; he needs to chuck the ball at the feet of the nearest Minnesota jersey.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Houston routs the Golden Hurricanes [ed. note: It's Golden Hurricane]. Houston wiped the floor with a terrible Tulsa defense. What else is new? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Bobby Bowden, Head Coach of the Florida State Seminoles. I have all the respect in the world for Bobby Bowden but let’s be honest here, Florida State is not getting better. They are actually getting worse in my opinion. Everything was set for a FSU comeback into the spotlight. They got a lot of press during Gameday this week. They were ranked and they were leading their division in the ACC. All they had to do was knockoff Boston College, but in an embarrassing performance FSU lost 27-17. With games remaining at Maryland and Florida it might be another 7-5 year and a Music City Bowl to look forward to. If that’s good enough for Nole’s fans its good enough for me. Bobby, turn the team over to Jimbo and walk away.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Christian Ponder, QB for the Florida State Seminoles. Once again FSU blew a big conference game and once again Christian Ponder threw three interceptions. Ponder is very much like his team, sometimes he’s good and sometimes he is horrible. But it’s hard to throw three interceptions against a good BC team and give your team a chance. This loss falls on your shoulders pal. Maybe you should forget about playing and help old Bowden coach.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Case Keenum, QB for the Houston Cougars. What can you say about a dude that threw for 400 yards, had 6 TDS and 1 rushing TD, and had no interceptions? Even against Tulsa that is very impressive. This dude has been putting up stats like this all year, and though he may be called a system quarterback, I promise you putting up those kinds of numbers are not easy in any offensive system. Ask Kodi Burns.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Idaho Vandals. Remember when the Vandals were the powerhouse of the WAC conference? Well neither do I. In fact I’m not sure if they’ve ever finished in anything but dead last in the WAC. Take this week. They had a chance to play spoiler to their rival Boise State, or at least make it difficult for them. Instead Boise State beat the literal crap out of them. This team needs to drop to FCS really quick.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Oregon State Beavers. What’s that Beaver fans? Can you smell the Roses? Well with a big win over California you put yourself in prime position to win not only a Rose Bowl berth but also the PAC-10 championship. I like this team a lot, I like that they beat USC, I like the Rodgers brother James and Jacquizz, and I like that they beat USC. My boys the Crimson Tide will not be playing this week, and so I will be donning some sort of Oregon State apparel and cheering for them against the Arizona Wildcats.

Why This Site Has Sucked... Lately

I can’t actually explain why this site sucks so much in general, as Kirk does a good job of trying to bring up the general level of quality and factual content around here, but I can explain the lack of updates for the past few weeks.

I thought about going with the old “work was really busy and I was out of town for a week for vacation” bit, but I knew that all four of the people who read this site would never buy that as an excuse. So here’s the true story: Evil ass garden gnomes have conspired to destroy this site, and with it, the very fabric of America (that may be a bit of an overstatement, but go with me here). These little buggers are like that Travelocity roaming gnome, except instead of getting you moderately priced travel bundles, they take down your internet connection, slash your tires, and punch you in the groin when you’re in line for pretzels at the mall (or as I like to call it: my most vulnerable moment).

So there you have it. There’s your explanation. The only way that we can stop this travesty and get this site back on track is to do the following: Take every garden gnome you find and throw it into the closest trash compactor. This is the only way that we, the Dammit Herring army will be able to continue our campaign for global dominat… er… I mean this is the only way that I’ll be able to update on a more regular basis. Yeah, that’s it.

Week 10 Wrap Up: More Kittens!

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Rashad Johnson, DB for the Alabama Crimson Tide. Rashad was rewarded for his stellar game with “National Defensive Player of the Week.” Here is a gutsy player who refused to let his offense blow this game. It’s very hard to say that a defensive player single handedly won a game, but you can pretty much say that here. Johnson picked off three passes, one which was run back for a 53 yard TD, and the other a game winning interception in OT. He might have upped his NFL draft status to 1st round after this week, he deserves every penny.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Oklahoma State Cowboys. I know I wasn’t alone in thinking that this would be a good game. Sure Texas Tech might win, but it would be a very close game. Graham Harrell fumbled on the first play and the Cowboys put it in for TD shortly after. That was the highlight of the game for Gundy’s team. Tech scored easily through the air on a hapless Cowboy secondary. The Texas win over the Cowboys does not look as impressive.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Penn State Nittany Lions. This less of a “Fuck You” award for Penn State, it’s almost a “Love You” award for the Iowa Hawkeyes. No one, except for Penn State, wanted to see the Lions in the BCS Championship, but it looked like that was what was going to happen. Then came Iowa with their back-up kicker and they sealed up a Big 12/SEC championship game. It wasn’t that America hated Penn State, but come on Nittany fans; we deserve a Big 12/SEC matchup. Thanks to the Hawkeyes we are going to get it.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset) :
Georgia Lineman Saves Game with Interception. My how the mighty have fallen! At the start of the season Georgia was #1 in the nation. This weekend they were fighting for their lives against a terrible Kentucky team. The Bulldog defense was terrible for most of the game. In the 4th quarter with Georgia leading 42-38, Kentucky was once again driving down the field. Kentucky QB Randall Cobb threw a screen pass that was plucked out the air by 282 pd. Demarcus Dobbs. Georgia ran out the clock and saved what would have been a gut wrenching loss.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Ohio State scores all over Northwestern. How would Terrelle Pryor rebound from the bad loss to Penn State; by destroying a very decent Northwestern team. Pryor threw for 3 TDS and Beanie Wells added 140 yards and two TDs. Ohio State is looking better and better and still hopes for a spot in the Rose Bowl. With a little help from Michigan State they might get their fourth straight Big 10 title, and set up a rematch with USC in the Rose Bowl.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Steve Kragthrope, Head Coach of the Louisville Cardinals. Louisville is not a bad team, but losses to Kentucky, Syracuse, and a blowout loss to Pitt has to have Coach Kragthrope in hot water. Louisville was not supposed to be unbelievable this year, but a run at the Big East title was not completely unheard of. Sitting at 5-4 overall and 1-3 in conference, Louisville has to pull up an upset of either Cincinnati, West Virginia, or Rutgers to become bowl eligible. If they end the season 5-7 it might be so long for old Coach Kragthrope.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Darryl Clark, QB for the Penn State Nittany Lions. You are supposed to be the #2 team in the country, and here are the numbers your QB puts up: 9 of 23 passes for a 39% completion average. He threw for zero TDs and one interception. It’s the 39% completion that speaks volumes about what Darryl Clark did. His team needed him to show up in a big way, they knew the defense would not be able to stop Iowa RB Shonn Greene every time. They needed Clark to put up some points and he couldn’t.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Nate Davis, QB for the Ball State Cardinals. What did Davis do against a decent Northern Illinois (5-3) team who has the top ranked defense in the MAC? He completed over 80% of his passes, threw for 300 yards, and had 5 TDs, 1 rush 4 passing. He basically had a perfect game. He managed, he made long passes, he made short passes, and he made good decisions. With a little help from Fresno State and BYU Davis may have his Cardinals playing in a BCS Bowl if they win out.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Tennessee Volunteers. I hate Tennessee, but this was a brutal win. Its homecoming, you’ve lost your coach, what you need is a good beat down of Wyoming right? I didn’t really know how to feel about is when I heard the final score. You lost to a team who missed the extra point on their interception return, practically inviting you to win the game with two TDs. Then they shut you out in the 4th quarter. I don’t know what to say. Maybe Fulmer is lucky to be leaving.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Utah Utes. I don’t think anyone, including yours truly thought Utah could beat TCU, but the Utes surprised me with good defense and just enough offense. Now Brian Johnson and company have San Diego State and BYU. If they can knock off both those teams then they might be heading to a BCS bowl.

Five for Friday: Kirk's Awesome Edition

Five for Friday!


LSU ends Bama’s National Title dreams. Let me say this before people start calling me pessimistic. There’s no doubt that I am a glass is half empty Bama fan, but I really think this is our week to fall. Alabama is a better team than LSU, but all good teams have their waterloo. Oklahoma had Texas, Texas had Texas Tech, Florida had Ole Miss, and USC had Oregon State. This year for Bama it will be LSU for us. LSU will win a tough game, and leave Bama fans hoping we can break two and six year losing streaks with Mississippi State and Auburn to finish out the year in Atlanta.

Penn State blows out Iowa in supposed “Trap Game.” It’s coming right, the letdown for the Penn State Nittany Lions, maybe even this week when they travel to Iowa. Nope, don’t think so. Penn State will beat Iowa in convincing fashion and enjoy watching Alabama blow it against LSU and as you’ll read later watch Texas Tech fall against the Cowboys. Whether Darryl Clark plays or not, Penn State has plenty of talent to blow the Hawkeyes away.

Florida commits a second homicide in the state of Tennessee. Florida traveled to Knoxville, TN and slaughtered the Volunteers. Now they will go to Nashville and repeat the crime, this time with the Vanderbilt Commodores. Vanderbilt lost a heart-wrenching game to Duke (it would have made them bowl eligible), and they won’t rebound by even keeping this game interesting. Look for Florida’s Tebow, Harvin, and others to dominate every aspect of the game and win by at least 4 TDs.

North Carolina finds a way around the Georgia Tech defense. Georgia Tech has really impressed me this year. They have a stifling defense and one of the best rushing attacks in the country. The problem for the Yellow Jackets is the fact that they rank 116th in passing offense. They will not be able to run the ball down the throats of North Carolina who is fairly good and stopping the run. Josh Nesbitt is going to have to go to the air against the Tar Heels, and that will be their downfall. North Carolina wins a close one.

Oklahoma State outguns the Red Raiders. Two phenomenal quarterbacks face two extremely bad secondarys. Oklahoma State and Texas Tech rank 93rd and 101st respectively in passing yards allowed this season. Last week we predicted an upset over Texas and we were right, I guess I’ll pick one over Texas Tech now. I think the Cowboys win this one by a TD. I think Zac Robinson and Kendall Hunter will be able to move the ball well on the Red Raider defense, and Graham Harrell can’t quite put enough scoring drives together. Each big matchup from Texas/Oklahoma, to Texas/Oklahoma State, and finally to Texas/Texas Tech have gotten better each week, if the trend continues we might be seeing the best game of the year.

Who the Hell will Win the Big XII South?

Figuring out the Big 12 South


The Big XII South has four teams in the top 10. So who is going to win the division and play probable Missouri in the Big XII championship? Let’s break it down.

Texas Tech is 5-0 in conference and has played: Texas (W)
Texas is 4-1 in conference and has played: Oklahoma (W), Oklahoma State (W), and Texas Tech (L)
Oklahoma is 4-1 in conference and has played: Texas (L)
Oklahoma State is 4-1 in conference and has played: Texas (L)

So what does this mean? I will now break down what will have to happen for each team to go the Big XII championship game.
Texas has already played their three main opponents. They beat two of them and lost to one. If Texas wins the rest of their games, they have to hope that Texas Tech gets beat twice in conference. A one loss Texas Tech team holds the tie-breaker over a one loss Texas team, but has the tiebreaker over a one loss Oklahoma or Oklahoma State team.
Texas Tech of course can just win out and go. If however, they lose to Oklahoma State or Oklahoma they will have to win out and hope that either Oklahoma or Oklahoma State loses to one other team. Then they would go to the Big XII championship.
Oklahoma and Oklahoma State have pretty much the same road. They both need to beat Texas Tech, hope that Texas loses to one of their remaining opponents. They play each other at the end of the year, so if they both beat Tech and Texas gets upset again, the winner of the Sooner/Cowboy game would represent the Big XII South.

How I see it Playing Out
Week 11: Oklahoma State beats Texas Tech
Weeks 11-14: Texas wins out beating Texas A&M, Baylor, Kansas
Week 13: Oklahoma beats Texas Tech
Week 14: Oklahoma beats Oklahoma State
Week 15: Texas vs. Missouri (Big XII Championship Game)

My Week 10 Wrap-Up

My Week 10 Wrap-up


Everything behind the break here

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!)
Michael Crabtree, WR for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. I’ll get into “the play” in another award. I’ve got to say though, Michael Crabtree showed that he has some guts. Catching the ball and running out of bounds would have probably been the safe thing to do, but Crab went to the end zone and won the game. Of course no one realized at the time that if Crabtree had been tacked in field, the game is over. But the former high school QB turned WR overcame two defenders and plunged into the end zone for a heroic win over the #1 team in the country.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end)
Tulsa Golden Hurricanes. Tulsa was doing very well for itself. They were undefeated, blowing out lesser competition, and putting up very impressive numbers. To almost guarantee an undefeated season, and maybe a slim shot at a BCS bowl they had to beat Arkansas, but it just didn’t happen. A strong start, and a good 96 yard kick return by Dennis Johnson secured a 30-23 win for Arkansas and gives the Razorbacks a good building block win for next year’s team.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them)
Georgia Bulldogs. I don’t give this award to Georgia because they lost. They get this award because of how they loss. I, like everyone else in the country, thought Florida would win this game, but no one saw this coming. Florida absolutely dominated the Dawgs in almost every aspect of the game. Tebow played like a man on fire. Georgia had an interception in the Gator’s first drive that was called back for hands to the face. After that nothing went right for Georgia. Georgia fans have had two big games this year against Alabama and Florida, they could not step up for either game.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset)
Michael Crabtree scores TD with 1 second remaining. Unless you’ve been in a cave this weekend you’ve probably seen this play a bunch of times. The score was 33-32 and Texas Tech had driven well into field goal range. With 1 timeout and about 8 seconds on the clock Tech ran one more play. Harrell threw the ball to star WR Michael Crabtree who made the grab at the sidelines, shook two defenders, and sprinted into the endzone with one second left on the clock. The Red Raider fans poured onto the field, but were cleared so Tech could kick off too Texas. Texas failed to get anywhere and Tech had pulled the upset.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team)
Oklahoma beats up Nebraska. I refuse to say a lot about this sham of a game. Once again Oklahoma put a zillion points against a crappy defense, and they allowed a few pity TDs. Bradford looked good, the receivers looked good, and Nebraska looked bad, blah, blah, blah, blah.


“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans)
Tommy Tuberville, Head Coach of the Auburn Tigers. Poor Tubs, after Auburn’s bitter loss to Ole Miss, he looked like a man who knew his fate. The only way Tuberville will be kept on as coach is if he can beat Alabama at home, and even then they would be fools to keep him for just that reason. Eventually Auburns fans have to ask themselves if Tubs is worth the money. In ten years he’s delivered one SEC title. Only time will tell what happens to Tubs as Auburn will more than likely miss out on a bowl and a winning season. God speed you big-ear weirdo.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!)
Marcus Sims, RB for the Florida State Seminoles. Georgia tech had a slim 31-28 lead but Florida State was right on the goal line. They handed the ball off to Marcus Sims who plunged into the endzone, sadly the ball did not follow suit. A Georgia Tech helmet struck the ball which went up for grabs and was recovered by Georgia Tech. Sometimes it’s not accurate to tell a player a loss is his entire fault, but in this case it actually holds pretty true.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.)
Tim Tebow, QB of the Florida Gators. The guy who I had in mind when I created this award has finally won it. Tebow did everything right in this game. He threw for two TDs and ran for three more. I think that loss to Ole Miss really effected Tebow, and every week since then he has come ready to play. Right now no one is playing better football then the Florida Gators and Tim Tebow.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.)
UAB Blazers. The namesake for this award finally gets to win it. The Blazers got beat down by Southern Mississippi 70-14. This football team is going nowhere fast. Webb the Blazer QB was picked off four times and Southern Miss scored TD after TD. Don’t worry UAB, you may be the worst team in Conference USA, but you’re the 4th best FBS team from Alabama.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this)
Florida Gators. Florida has looked great against LSU and Kentucky and damn near perfect against the Georgia Bulldogs. Even though they aren’t #1 (Roll Tide!) they look like the best team in the country. But they still have four games and three of them are not easy games. They will probably handle Vandy and absolutely destroy the Citadel. However, South Carolina is playing very tough defense, and the Florida State Seminoles would love to hand the Gators a loss to end the year. All that being said Urban Myer has done everything he can since the puzzling loss to Ole Miss to give Florida its best chance to get into the BCS Championship game.

Five for Friday

Welcome to Five for Friday, where we pick what we consider to be the five most interesting games for the week, and then make an uneducated guess as to which team is going to win. We're usually wrong, so it's best to use these as a "bet against" guide. Enjoy!

Texas Tech is going to fly the friendly skies all over Texas. I think that Texas Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp is God’s gift to defensive coordinators, but we need to be honest with each other here: Texas Tech’s offense is just plain nasty good. The Red Raider’s QB Graham Harrell has thrown for 3100+ yards and 28 touchdowns with only 5 interceptions in eight games. And he did this against actual opponents, not on an xbox or the practice field. That is just un-freaking-believable. The Longhorn’s weak point in this game is their 112th ranked pass defense going up against the Red Raider’s 1st ranked pass offense. Look for Muschamp to throw some new defensive kinks at Mike Leach’s vaunted spread offense, particularly regarding blitz packages that Tech’s strong offensive line haven’t seen so far this year. Heisman front runner Colt McCoy will do a more than passable job at keeping the Longhorns in the game, leading a balanced offense to try and exploit the Red Raider’s weakest defensive point, their secondary. For me, this game comes down to the fact that if Tech can stop Texas on two drives, they will win the game.

Florida is going to give Georgia a hangover at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Georgia QB Matt Stafford has 12 TDs with only 5 interceptions, and RB Knowshon Moreno has almost 1,000 yards rushing and 12 TDs, while Florida has a huge chip on their collective shoulders from last year’s loss to Georgia, and a baby rhinoceros named Tim Tebow. The aforementioned Tebow also has 12 TDs but with a paltry 2 interceptions on the year. Florida doesn’t have a single back to match Moreno, but they do have a committee of rushers, including Jeffrey Demps, Chris Rainey, and reformed FB Tim Tebow. The real story of this game is a Florida team who wants revenge for a celebration at the beginning of last year’s game that galvanized the Bulldogs to a victory. The key to this game is going to be the Gator’s passing attack, as they try to exploit the Bulldog’s 79th ranked pass defense. I have a feeling that Georgia might want to go ahead and put on those mourning jerseys again for this one.

Florida State thrusts a Flaming Spear into Georgia Tech’s Heart. With all the talk about Penn State and Joe Pa, has anyone noticed Florida State is the highest ranked ACC team and has only one loss. With Maryland on bye this week Florida State could take full control of the Atlantic Division with a win over the Yellow Jackets. Georgia Tech’s offense has been extremely anemic, as Josh Nesbitt still has trouble moving the ball down the field. Don’t look for a lot of points with the 3rd(FSU) and 11th(GT) best defenses in the country going head to head. If the Noles win it will be them and Maryland leading the ACC pack. When they play each other in a few weeks the unthinkable may happen. College Gameday for an ACC game!

West Virginia stops Connecticut RB monster, Donald Brown. If you think Florida vs. Georgia is the unofficial game for the SEC East, then this is the unofficial Big East Championship. West Virginia (#1 in the Big East) will try to stop Connecticut’s (#2 in the Big East) running game. Leading this powerful rushing attack is Husky RB Donald Brown, a Heisman caliber back who has already compiled 1324 yards and 14 TDs. Connecticut will try their best to stop a revitalized Pat White who moved the ball up and down the field against a good Auburn defense. Whoever wins this game still has to play Pitt and South Florida. I like the Mountaineers to take a two score lead in the third quarter and never look back.

Arkansas is going to go all “Katrina” on Tulsa. It’s funny because Tulsa’s mascot is the Golden Hurricane. Wait? That’s not funny? Oh well. Sure, Tulsa is ranked 19th, and sure, statistically speaking they have the number 1 offense in the country, averaging a hair over 600 yards per game. The Razorbacks have something far more intimidating on their side: The crushing weight of history. The Golden Hurricane (you aren’t supposed to pluralize that I’ve been told) haven’t won against the Razorbacks since 1976. Let me put this in a little more context for you: Tulsa hasn’t won against this team since the Ford administration. Since the Bee Gees were cool, George Lucas was filming the first Star Wars, and Eric Clapton was still doing massive amounts of cocaine and heroin. What I’m trying to say is that it’s been a while. Look for Bobby Petrino to finally be able to hang his hat on a “quality” win this year as the Razorbacks fall bass ackwards into a victory over poor, snakebit Tulsa.

Will Ole Miss Get Tuberville Canned?

As a long time member of the Auburn nation, I’ve seen our good years, and our bad years. This year is a bad one. While I’m not happy with it, I accept that we’re not going to be great every single year. Some of the rumblings that I’m hearing out of Auburn don’t really agree with my sentiments.

While most rank and file Auburn fans are still at least moderately behind Tuberville, I’m hearing that the Board of Directors and the administration are quietly thinking about offering Tubbs a $3,000,000 buyout to resign at the end of the year. One version that I’ve heard hinges on the win or loss of this week’s game to Houston Nutt’s Ole Miss Rebels. While I think that is ridiculous on six or seven levels (either fire the guy for this year’s performance or don’t, one game won’t make a difference) I can see that kind of logic coming from Auburn’s administration, particularly from the Bobby Lowder camp.

Tuberville has brought Auburn to a significantly higher level of play over his ten year tenure, but his absurd loyalty to his Ole Miss staff who transplanted with him has held Auburn back at least four out of those ten years, this year included. For those who are interested, the other years would be 2003, 2005, and 2007. Particularly 2003, as Steven Ensminger’s play calling was just slightly better than handing the playbook to Corky from “Life Goes On”.

Tuberville has given Auburn only one SEC championship, but he also gave us an undefeated 13-0 season. No National Championship, you say? Blame the BCS, not Tubbs. He’s proven that he’s a great coach who has a stunning ability to lay at least one big egg a year to keep Auburn out of the SEC championship (save for 2004). But the question that I’m going to ask Auburn’s Board and the administrators (who I’m assuming read this site for my razor wit and keen insight) is this: Who the hell are you going to replace him with?

Saban’s taken. Spurrier might leave South Carolina, but who would willingly leave a cushy situation to come work for you guys? Muschamp? Try no chance. He’s already dealt with you jackasses once and is unlikely to do so again without some sort of motivation provided by a firearm. What about Lane Kiffin? Nope, he’s looking hard at the Washington job. Bobby Petrino, who you wanted in 2003? Sure, if you want a guy who will bolt by next September when things aren’t running smooth. Okay, let’s try Jim Grobe. He’d love to leave Wake Forest, right? Not if there’s a coordinator position available at Texas…

Week 9 Wrap Up: Return of the Coors Light Knight

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Kendall Hunter, RB for the Oklahoma State Cowboys. I am giving this guy my gutsiest performance of the week. Playing the mighty Texas Longhorns seemed like too daunting a task for Cowboys, but they looked like every bit a top ten team, and came up just short. Kendall Hunter ran all over the Texas defense, coming up with 168 yard and a TD after he had a bad fumble to start the game. This guy has a heck of a future. What happened to that stifling rush defense Muschamp? Are you too pre-occupied by picking out your new head coaching job?

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Ohio State Buckeyes. Well the Buckeye defense showed up, but the offense must have overslept. I really expected for OSU to win this game, but while the defense did everything it could, a costly couple of turnovers by Pryor lost them the game. But don’t get down Buckeye nation, Pryor is the real deal and will be great some day. He just wasn’t ready for this kind of spotlight. It showed Saturday night.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them)
Tennessee Volunteers. If you thought Bama was not going to be upset this weekend, you might have been the only one. Just about everyone (except Kirk Herbstreet) predicted a Bama fall. But when you are hated as much as Tennessee is hated, it doesn’t just rain it pours. Bama pounded the ball down the field, John Parker played mistake free football, Julio Jones had his first 100 yard game, and every call went against the Volunteers. It seems like everyone hates Tennessee. Alabama hates Tennessee, Auburn hates Tennessee, Georgia hates Tennessee, Florida hates Tennessee, even Tennessee hates Tennessee. Don’t believe the hate, in Bama’s last drive Tennessee stopped Bama at midfield setting up a punt on a 4th and 3. Alabama punted the ball, but guess what; the Vols got a five yard offside flag. Bama’s drive continued and they ran out the clock. It was that kind of day for Tennessee.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset) :
Roughing passer call saves Texas from interception. The score was 21-14 and Texas was deep in Oklahoma State territory. McCoy threw a pass that was picked off by an Oklahoma State defender at the 10 yard line saving a score. But there was a flag thrown in the backfield. OSU Linebacker Andre Sexton hit McCoy right in the face mask with his hand and Texas got a big break and a new set of downs. McCoy then ran the ball in three yards for a TD making the score 28-14. At the time it didn’t seem like a huge deal because Texas appeared to be running away with the game. But Okie State ended scoring 10 points, and held Texas scoreless the rest of the game. If it hadn’t been for that penalty who knows what would have happened.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida steals Kentucky’s soul. How did this happen. I could see Florida beating Kentucky badly, especially when half of the Wildcat’s first string players were injured, but 63-5? A couple of punt blocks, nine TDs, and a great interception return equal a blowout over a bad Kentucky team. Rarely seen Tebow backup John Brantley got three throwing attempts, he completed two of them for 52 yards and a TD.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Frank Beamer, Head Coach of the Virginia Tech Hokies. Yeah that’s right, I think Beamer is on the hot seat, it’s my article. Virginia Tech was definitely supposed to be an ACC contender, but they have already lost their third game this year, two of them are to ACC teams. Now they have lost their starting and secondary quarterbacks. There are probably a few more losses in store for the Hokies. When will they say to Beamer, you just aren’t doing enough. In case you were wondering a firebeamer.com webpage is already up.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Josh Nesbitt, QB for the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. This was a hard award to give, but for a Georgia Tech team that was riding high after beating Clemson and finally getting a #21 rank, Tech lost a clunker to Virginia. Nesbitt threw for just over 100 yards with no TDs and a pick. With their final games against Florida State, Miami, North Carolina, and Georgia they will be lucky to end the season with seven wins. Nesbitt has got to figure out a way to move the ball.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Graham Harrell, QB for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. It was another day in the park for Graham Harrell, he threw for 386 yards, five TDs, and one rushing TD. He also completed 80% of his passes and threw no interceptions. I can’t give him much more praise, then by listing his stats. They speak for themselves. He just passed Sam Bradford on the Heisman list in my book.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Vanderbilt Commodores. After a win over Auburn and a 5-0 start it looked almost impossible that Vandy would not be bowl eligible this year. But it looks like that is exactly what is going to happen. This is the Vandy we had to know would eventually show up. They have now lost three straight to Mississippi State, Georgia, and Duke. With only Florida, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Wake Forest left, it looks kind of bleak for the slumping Commodores.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Texas Tech Red Raiders. This award was not even close. This was the week when I and many people thought Texas Tech would get exposed, they might win sure, but it would come down to the wire. I was very wrong. Tech decimated the Jayhawks, not only dominating on offense, but holding them under 30 points (for an offense like Kansas that is pretty good). They jumped USC in the BCS standings and have a chance to take Texas’ position in the polls if they can beat the Longhorns in the huge match-up at Lubbock next week. The Red Raiders have proved you need very little defense when you can score a gazillion points.

Week 8 Wrap Up: Flat Stanley Edition

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Chris Turner, QB for the Maryland Terrapins. Maryland is at the top of the ACC right now after shutting out #21 Wake Forest. It’s very rare to shutout a college football team let alone a good team like Wake Forest. Knowing that Wake had a good rush defense Chris Turner delivered a gutsy performance and went to the air for three over 300 yards and a score. The Terps may be Orange Bowl bound (wow that sounds weird).

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
BYU Cougars. There was hardly any shake-up in the top ten rankings this week except for the fact that the Cougars got the smack down by the Horned Frogs of TCU. The major BCS buster is officially busted (how many times has that line been used this weekend) and can only look forward to playing spoiler to Utah. Oh well, you still beat UCLA like a zillion to zero.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Michigan State Spartans. I know what you are thinking, who hates Michigan State? I really can’ think of anyone, but obviously someone hates them because they were beaten 45-7 at home in a game many thought they would win. So much for the Spartans shot at the Rose Bowl. With Javon Ringer going to the NFL, it might be a while before they get another shot.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Garcia gets stopped by a ref in the LSU game. The defender approached South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia who had found a hole, and slammed his shoulder into Garcia’s chest. Which LSU defender made this great play you ask? None of them did. It was little ole’ Wilber Hackett Jr. a reliable ref for SEC games. Mr. Hackett immediately received scholarship offers from Syracuse, Washington State, and Texas A&M.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
USC destroys a Terrible Washington State. Talk about Goliath beating David. USC crushed Wazzou and ate their soul. USC could literally have named their score in this game. I think right now that Washington State is worse than many Washington high school teams right now.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Sylvester Croom, Head Coach of the Mississippi State Bulldogs. Vandy got Croomed two weeks ago, but his week Sylvester was Fulmered in Tennessee. I like Sly Croom, and he had a great season last year. But this year was supposed to be even better and it is a million times worse. Last year they went 8-5 with a bowl win. This year they won’t have a winning record with almost the same team they had last year. Eventually Mississippi State will have to show Croom the door.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Riley Skinner, QB for the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Wake Forest had a chance do something this year, but it got a lot harder after being shut out by Maryland on Saturday. Skinner went for just over 100 yards with no TD passes. He is supposed to be the leader of this team, but failed to impress as his team was stomped. He was under .500 for completions, and failed to be able to inspire his team.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
David Johnson, QB for the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes. Did anyone see the end zone to end zone pass that David Johnson threw this weekend? If you didn’t you missed one of the most beautiful (yes beautiful) passes I have ever seen. Under pressure and standing in his zone, Johnson threw a gem of a ball right into the hands of his receiver. The pass was 50+ yards and the WR ran it in the rest of the way. Oh yeah and he added 4 more TD passes and over 400 yards. If the NFL isn’t look at this guy they should.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Iowa State Cyclones. More often than not the bottom of the SEC is Vanderbilt. In the Big 12 most of the time it’s Iowa State. Many people don’t even know the Cyclones are in the Big 12. They beat two bad teams to start the year and have now lost four straight, including a 38-10 drubbing by Baylor. This week they play Texas A&M in what is probably the two worst teams in the Big 12 going head to head. It is probably both teams only chance for a Big 12 win.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Ohio State Buckeyes. I did not see this coming. In fact if you read “six for Saturday” you’ll know I picked the Spartans to win. After a 45-7 thumping of Michigan State (on the road) OSU looked every bit the #1 preseason team that many people claimed them to be. If the Buckeyes had played like that last year they might have pulled off a National Championship. This week they are playing in what is probably the Big Ten Championship game. If they win they will probably be heading to the Rose Bowl. Surely they couldn’t go to the BCS Championship game, or could they?

Do What Now?

Well maybe he thought... nah. He could've tripped on... nah. I cannot rationalize what I have seen here. There is just no way.

South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia getting shouldered by a zebra brought to you by Every Day Should Be Saturday

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Tainted Legacy Edition

The ghost of Bobby Bowden here, rolling over in my grave because my once great football legacy has been tarnished beyond repair. Two sons who are failures, and the rest of the kids aren’t far behind. At least the football this weekend was worth watching.

Dabo Swinney proved to be a better coach than my good-for-nothing sack of excuses of a son, coaching Clemson to a close loss against Georgia Tech, 21 – 17. Much maligned quarterback Cullen Harper led a rally in the second half with two touchdowns to take the lead at 17 – 14, but the Yellow Jackets were able to answer, and Clemson couldn’t retake the lead. Swinney did all of this without star running back C. J. Spiller. Did you hear that Tommy? He did more with less, you twit. Imagine what he will be able to do once he gets the speedster back.

Texas beat the everloving holy bejesus out of Missouri 56 - 31. And that score makes it look like the game was much closer than it actually ever was. I’d like to take this moment to say, “I fucking called it!” The Bowdenator spent the entire week last week babbling to anyone who would listen that Texas Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp was going to shine in this game, and I was so right. The Longhorns held the Tigers to 3 points in the first half, while scoring touchdowns on their first 5 drives. Chase Daniel could do no right, and the Mizzou offense was stacking up the penalties. Oh, and some kid named Colt McCoy gave an almost flawless performance at quarterback, for what that’s worth.

North Carolina gave up a last second loss in overtime to Virginia. Wait a minute. Didn’t Virginia lose by 28 points to Duke earlier this year? What. The. Fuck. With Maryland, Virginia, Florida State, and NC State so up and down, the ACC makes no goddamn sense this year. I blame Clemson. Either way, the Tar Heels beat Notre Dame the week before, and I’ll pretty much forgive anything when people have given the Irish a loss.

Alabama looked “meh” in a 24 – 20 victory over Ole Miss. The Rebels were playing solid football for the bulk of the game, while Alabama continued their “tradition” of performing great in the first half, and looking forward to joining Sanchez at the Waffle House during the second half. Talk about phoning it in, the Tide gave up 17 points in the second half. To be fair, gigantic Nose Guard Terrence Cody was lost on a suspect play early in the second half, and that had a tremendous impact on the defensive line. The officiating was particularly bad for this game, and not in favor of Bama. Maybe the Tide should divert some funds from buying recruits to buying off the zebras.

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape has returned! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

This week’s convicted sex offenders are the USC Trojans, who hung 69 points on Washington State in a brutal shutout. Dirty Sanchez threw five touchdown passes in the first half, and hung out at the Waffle House down the street during the entire second half. The Cougars gave up an impressive 163 yards on 23 sacks. And the bulk of that was likely against USC’s fourth string defensive unit, two cameramen who just wanted to jump in for a few plays, and six members of the crowd chosen at random, including one guy in a wheelchair. The guy in the wheelchair got one of the sacks. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Washington State is bad. This beating is not really as impressive as the Cougars have allowed 66, 63, and 66 points in their other three conference losses, but I’m willing to ignore that for the sheer joy of typing “69 point shutout”. See? That was fun. Totally worth it.

Six for Saturday

Since Drew took my weekly wrap up, I took his five for Friday, and made it better with six for Saturday! I did reuse the same picture from last week, because at least two of these girls are super hot, and Kirky like lingerie.

Georgia will beat down a Vandy team between the Hedges. Georgia is happy as can be now that several of the unbeaten teams in America have been knocked off. Vandy is reeling from a spirit killing loss to a terrible Mississippi State team. Look for Georgia to try and make a big statement win by slaughtering Vandy while they are still ranked. Georgia’s offense matches up decently with Vanderbilt’s defense and should be able to move the ball on them. Look for A.J. Green to fly around the field. A better matchup is a good Georgia defense against a poor Vandy offense. The “Revenge of the Nerds” kick is over Vandy, welcome back to being the SEC doormat.

Oklahoma avenges loss to Horns and stomps on Jayhawks. Kansas lost to South Florida and had to come back and beat Iowa State in the last minutes of the game. Oklahoma is seeing red after they got beat in the Red River SHOOTOUT! (I won’t be PC and say rivalry). Florida lost a game and beat up an unprepared LSU team, look for the same thing from the Sooners. The Oklahoma defense will limit Reesing, and Bradford will pad his already impressive Heisman resume. Hey, Texas won the game but did anyone notice Bradford had 5 TD throws. I’m just saying.

Alabama has a squeak of a win against Ole Miss. In what should be a good game (sigh) Ole Miss will move the ball through the air and Bama on the ground. John Parker Wilson will look not great and will probably be picked off in the first half. At half time Bama will be down (yes I call that). Look for them to come back in the late 3rd and put the game away in the 4th quarter. A lot of Ole Miss/Bama games come down to the last play. Also did you know Houston Nutt’s offense is called “The Wild Rebel?” At Arkansas he had one called “The Wild Hog” what are the odds?

Michigan State upsets the Buckeyes and gives them 2nd loss. Call me a lunatic if you want (that’s what my shrink calls me) but when the Spartans beat the Buckeyes on Saturday, then who will be laughing Dr. Robert Hollingsworth? I like the Spartans win over a decent Northwestern team, and I think at home they pull an upset. I see a couple turnovers, and even though Beanie Wells has a good day, I think Javon Ringer has a better one. Look for this game to come down to the wire, with Michigan State edging it out late in the 4th quarter. If Ohio State wins I might honestly say that they are a good team again.

LSU punches South Carolina and Spurrier in the face. The Hat got humiliated; he got outplayed, out called, and out gunned. The Hat and his LSU tigers are looking to blow off some steam after a blowout loss to Florida. They will come in South Carolina’s stadium with bruised egos. Look for RB Darrell Scott to have a huge day and run the ball consistently against the Gamecocks. Whether Smelly or Garcia plays, the LSU defense will tighten up and not allow many South Carolina points. Nothing would make me happier then to see LSU get beat, but it ain’t going to happen.

Texas beats Missouri by a single touchdown. You might think the smart money is with Missouri, thinking Texas might have a letdown after their enormous win, but I don’t think so. I think we have another huge offensive struggle on our hands, and the team to have the ball last will probably be the team to win. Daniels and Jeremy Maclin should have success in the air against a bad Texas secondary, but not enough to pull away from Texas who will also score on every drive. The punters for each team should probably bring their Nintendo DSs to the stadium (oh they have them all right) because they will not do much. I like Texas in this shootout.

Week 7 Wrap Up: More Teef!

Each week Kirk traditionally gives out ten awards for various and sundry deeds of valor and pathetic displays of athleticism and sportsmanship. To mix things up, I’ll be giving out the awards this week. Don’t expect too much, and certainly don’t expect anything near the quality that you’ve been getting from Kirk’s writing.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
I’m giving this one up to the baby rhino himself, Tim Tebow. After a upset to Ole Miss, Tebow took a step forward and said that he would play harder and lead better. He has certainly proven to be a man of his word. Tebow led the Gators to a 51 – 21 thwomping of the LSU Tigers with 210 passing yards, 2 passing touchdowns, and one more rushing touchdown to pad the resume. I fear for the rest of Florida’s schedule.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
As much as I hate to do this (I don’t) I’m going with the Missouri Tigers (lots of Tigers in here this week). Chase Daniel’s Heisman stock mirrored the actual stock market and dropped like a rock after their loss to Mike “I’m a man! I’m 40!” Gundy’s Oklahoma State Cowboys. The Cowboys’ defense stepped up in the second half, getting three picks off of the Mizzou QB and putting the kibosh on an offense that seemed to score on every possession.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
I had a nice internal debate this week, and it was over three sets of Tigers. In the end, I couldn’t give it to my Auburn Tigers because of bias and favoritism, and Clemson seems to have been through enough, so we’re going with LSU. I would like to take this time to point out that Les Miles’ idiotic play calling finally caught up with him in a big way. Apparently playing xbox does not count as valid coaching experience. Also, fuck the hat. Seriously, fuck it.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Very few people gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys much of a chance against a Missouri team led by previous Voltron award recipient Chase Daniel. But Mike “I’m a Man! I’m 40!” Gundy’s (I never get tired of writing that) Cowboys took three passes away from Daniel in the second half and put on a performance that Mizzou won’t soon forget. I don’t think that we’ll see Ok. St. in the National Championship game, but Gundy has got this squad moving in the right direction in a big way.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
We’re giving this one to Mountain West powerhouse (giggle) Utah, who destructificated Wyoming 40 – 7. Wyoming’s only score came with 7:47 left in the 4th quarter, and only came about when the Utah defense, in a touching show of sportsmanship, staying in the huddle and gave the Cowboys a freebie into the end zone. The rest of the game was as sad to watch as a domestic dispute in a trailer park.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Hmm… where to go with this. I know, let’s go with my old standby, Tommy Bowden. Poor Tommy has taken a team that by all accounts should be decent to very good, and tanked them with extreme prejudice. Putting his head in his hands and looking Bill Stewart confused during the 4th quarter didn’t help things much either. Now it’s a race between Bowden, Stewart, and possibly Tuberville to see who can get fired before the end of the regular season.
Update: As of 10:45 am this morning, Bowden wins!

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Cullen Harper of the Clemson Tigers gets this site’s namesake award this week. Harper’s 177 passing yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception, and -16 rushing yards don’t do justice to his terrible performance against Wake Forest last Thursday. His 15 completions out of 35 throws, however, does more to shed light on why ‘ol Harpo has been assigned to the pine for Clemson’s next game against Georgia Tech. Hold your head high, young man, as your coach’s career is sinking much faster than your own.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
This one was easy. Sam Bradford of the Oklahoma Sooners looked like a pigskin ninja on Saturday. Who cares if Oklahoma lost? If it weren’t for Bradford’s 387 yards and 5 touchdowns, they never would have been in it in the first place. Bradford went 28 of 39 and did throw 2 interceptions, but he looked every bit a Heisman contender. Chase Daniel may have put himself out of the Heisman race this week, but Bradford put himself at the top of my Heisman list with his gutsy performance against the Longhorns.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Ugh. I hate to do this, but this week’s Blazer Award goes to my beloved Auburn Tigers, after a sad loss to the Arkasas Razorbacks. Auburn truly seek out every way to lose this week. Kodi Burns and Chris Todd combined for a stellar 0 touchdowns and 3 interceptions in a game that saw Auburn limited to less than 60 total yards rushing against the team that gave up 328 rushing yards to Alabama, 183 rushing yards to LA-Monroe, and 157 rushing yards to Western Illinois. At this point, the best strategy for us as Auburn fans is to hold group prayer meetings prior to each game, because things do not look very good right now. That being said, I refuse to give up on my team, so War Damn Eagle!

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Texas. Colt McCoy didn’t get any concussions, and as a result, led the Longhorns to a stunning victory over a very solid Oklahoma squad. After watching this great game, I have to say that the Big 12 is really legit. They don’t have the staunch defenses that are the standard of the SEC, but they have significantly more offensive power through the air. Texas didn’t just squeak by the Sooners, they beat them in a heads up game of cards 45 – 35. Oklahoma scored, Texas answered. Again and again. With former Auburn defensive coordinator Will Muschamp in control of a much improved Texas defense, look for the Longhorns to continue to impress (and they had better, with three ranked teams coming up in the next three weeks).

Six for Friday

After a very busy week for this site’s negligent editor (me), We’re back with Dammit Herring’s picks for the six most interesting games of the week. We have one more pick than usual for two reasons: One, there are a lot of great games this weekend, and Two, This picture had six hot girls in it, and I wanted to run with it. Without any ado whatsoever:

Wake Forest is going to continue the ruination of Tommy Bowden’s coaching legacy. What is it with the Bowden clan these days? Bobby is a shade of his former self, Terry is still a pariah, and Tommy is lobbying for the picture spot in the encyclopedia next to the definition of “wasted potential”. Clemson was supposed to have a good team this year, but so was Auburn, so take that out of your rationale on this one. The Demon Deacons continue to roll through the ACC, and have screwed me every single time I’ve gone against them in the last two years. Hence, I’m going with Wake.
Editors note: I realize this was played last night, but my prediction was written on Wednesday, so just bask in my foresight.

Texas is going to give Alabama a hand in the polls by beating Oklahoma (where the wind blows gently down the plains!). The Longhorn’s Defensive coordinator Will Muschamp is hoping to earn his keep and show why coach Mac Brown hired him away from Auburn last year. If Texas beats Oklahoma, look for Alabama to jump into the #1 spot. Who would have ever thought that in a roundabout way, someone from Auburn would ever help Alabama out in the polls? Sam Bradford and the Sooners offense have been stellar this year, but have not yet been tested by a defense of Texas’ caliber, or by a defensive coordinator as wiley as Muschamp (who is still beloved by this site and the Auburn nation). Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy is playing better every game, and seems to be making solid decisions in clutch situations. Look for McCoy to come out on top in a quarterback duel with Bradford, and look for Texas’ secondary to be the difference maker in this close game.

An undefeated Vanderbilt (Editor’s note: really?!?!) is going to drive Mississippi State on down the road to Sylvester Croome’s eventual firing. Vandy is leading the SEC East (again… total disbelief here) despite being just shy of terrible on both offense and defense. Look for a beaten down Bulldog offense to make several turnovers, and for the Commodores to capitalize on them with serious points like they have done all year. Look for Vanderbilt’s backup quarterback, Tom Brady, to continue his meteoric rise to fame after last week’s incredible showing during the Auburn game.

I hate to say this, but LSU is going to hand Florida another loss in the Swamp. I think Les Miles is intellectually just shy of a ten year old playing NCAA 09 on the xbox when I look at his play calling, and I hate that he is continually rewarded for stupid decisions by getting lucky breaks time and again. Look for a great Tiger defense to stifle the Gators’ running game and forcing quarterback Tim Tebow to throw the ball. Look for Urban Meyer to vomit on the sidelines in disgust as Les Miles calls a successful hail mary touchdown pass to the kicker on 4th and 37 with 3 seconds left on the clock.

Missouri is going loooooooooooooooooong on Oklahoma State. The Tigers haven’t been challenged yet this season, but it should be interesting to see how their 15th ranked rushing defense squares off against the Cowboys’ 2nd ranked rushing offense. Oh yeah, and Missouri has some kind named Daniels at quarterback who can throw the ball pretty good. He was in the running for something called a “Hiseman” last year, whatever that means. Oklahoma State should provide a solid challenge for Missouri, but look for the Tigers to roll over them on their way to losing another far less prestigious game later in the season to ruin their National Championship hopes.

Penn State is going to continue their journey to be college football’s equivalent of “the world’s smartest retard” as Big Ten champion with a victory over Wisconsin. The Nittany Lions come into this game with the Big Ten’s most explosive offensive (must… resist… easy… joke…) and more than a few memories of a sad loss to the Badgers the last time they played at Camp Randall Stadium. Meanwhile, pre-season Big Ten favorite Wisconsin is desperately trying to avoid their first 0 – 3 start since 2000. I have a feeling the Nittany Lions are going to maul zee Badgers. Get it? Maul? Like a Lion mauls things? No? Okay then…