I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Jacquizz Rodgers, RB for the Oregon State Beavers. This dude impresses the hell out of me. He’s 5’7, doesn’t have a lot of bulk, and plays on the same team as his brother. Oh yeah and he leads the PAC-10 in rushing yards. This dude had this award coming after slicing his way through a USC defense that many say is the best in the country. This week was slow as he only had 144 yards and a TD against a good California team. It makes you think what this guy might accomplish if he was just a little bigger.
“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
LSU Tigers. I’ll be the first one to admit that LSU is not that great this year. In fact the Auburn/LSU game was not close because both the teams were so good. It turns out they were just equally weak. But trailing Troy 31-3 at home on homecoming is ridiculous. Look, I give them props for scoring 30 unanswered 4th quarter points, but come on 31-3 against Troy. That’s embarrassing.
“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Mississippi State Bulldogs, Stanford Cardinals, and Illinois Fighting Illini. It was revenge week in the NCAA as Alabama, USC, and Ohio State all faced teams that upset them last year. Bama and USC beat their respective teams by 20 or more points and OSU beat Illinois 30-20. The upsets are fun for the rest of the nation to see, but for the fans of the big programs revenge is a dish best served by beating the shit out a very weak team. Yea!
“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Wisconsin gets two back to back safeties to keep Paul Bunyan’s Axe. One safety is bad enough but two in a row should make Minnesota hang its head in collective shame. Especially since the final score was 35-32. Adam Weber, QB of the Golden Gophers, needs to learn that if he thinks he is going down in his end zone; he needs to chuck the ball at the feet of the nearest Minnesota jersey.
“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Houston routs the Golden Hurricanes [ed. note: It's Golden Hurricane]. Houston wiped the floor with a terrible Tulsa defense. What else is new? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Bobby Bowden, Head Coach of the Florida State Seminoles. I have all the respect in the world for Bobby Bowden but let’s be honest here, Florida State is not getting better. They are actually getting worse in my opinion. Everything was set for a FSU comeback into the spotlight. They got a lot of press during Gameday this week. They were ranked and they were leading their division in the ACC. All they had to do was knockoff Boston College, but in an embarrassing performance FSU lost 27-17. With games remaining at Maryland and Florida it might be another 7-5 year and a Music City Bowl to look forward to. If that’s good enough for Nole’s fans its good enough for me. Bobby, turn the team over to Jimbo and walk away.
“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Christian Ponder, QB for the Florida State Seminoles. Once again FSU blew a big conference game and once again Christian Ponder threw three interceptions. Ponder is very much like his team, sometimes he’s good and sometimes he is horrible. But it’s hard to throw three interceptions against a good BC team and give your team a chance. This loss falls on your shoulders pal. Maybe you should forget about playing and help old Bowden coach.
“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Case Keenum, QB for the Houston Cougars. What can you say about a dude that threw for 400 yards, had 6 TDS and 1 rushing TD, and had no interceptions? Even against Tulsa that is very impressive. This dude has been putting up stats like this all year, and though he may be called a system quarterback, I promise you putting up those kinds of numbers are not easy in any offensive system. Ask Kodi Burns.
“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Idaho Vandals. Remember when the Vandals were the powerhouse of the WAC conference? Well neither do I. In fact I’m not sure if they’ve ever finished in anything but dead last in the WAC. Take this week. They had a chance to play spoiler to their rival Boise State, or at least make it difficult for them. Instead Boise State beat the literal crap out of them. This team needs to drop to FCS really quick.
“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Oregon State Beavers. What’s that Beaver fans? Can you smell the Roses? Well with a big win over California you put yourself in prime position to win not only a Rose Bowl berth but also the PAC-10 championship. I like this team a lot, I like that they beat USC, I like the Rodgers brother James and Jacquizz, and I like that they beat USC. My boys the Crimson Tide will not be playing this week, and so I will be donning some sort of Oregon State apparel and cheering for them against the Arizona Wildcats.
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