The Cristal Baller: Vanderbilt

[Editor's note: We're baaaaaaack!]

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season was full of surprises for Bobby Johnson’s squad, not the least of which was them going to, and winning, a bowl game against 24th ranked Boston College. Vandy started the year going 5-0, with solid wins against South Carolina and a one point victory over Auburn (Editor’s note: Blargh). They proceeded to lose their next four games, including a barnburning 10-7 loss to Duke, until they pulled out a sixth bowl eligible win against Kentucky. Bobby Johnson sent Rich Brooks a fruit basket with a very sincere thank you note after that game. True story.

This year the Commodores hope to build on last year’s successes, but with games at LSU, South Carolina, Florida, and Tennessee, and the loss of QB Chris Nickson and standout CB D. J. Moore, it’s going to be a hard road to hoe. Vandy is going to need new leaders to step up on both sides of the ball very quickly, especially with a week 2 game at LSU. Who am I kidding, these poor bastards are toast (but not burnt to a crisp Miss St-style toast). On the plus side, at least Auburn doesn’t have to play them this year!

Season Predictions: 3-9

Vandy 21 Western Carolina 14
This game is going to be a snore-fest. The back-to-almost-worst-in-the-SEC-if-it-wasn’t-for-MS-St.-and-Kentucky Commodores versus a directional school. I can hardly keep my eyes open writing about it. The only way to make this game interesting is to play to audio from the game over last year’s footage of that lingerie football game that was played during the Super Bowl.

LSU 37 Vandy 10
I think that most people are overrating LSU this year. So do the math to figure out how bad Vandy has to be when I have the Tigers (who I don’t even think are the best team in the SEC West) hanging 5 TDs and a safety on Vandy. I’ll give you the answer so you don’t have to do all of those nasty calculations: Richard Grieco’s acting talent-bad (That’s REALLY bad). Also, it’s a home game for LSU, and Tiger Stadium isn’t exactly the friendliest place on earth.

Vandy 17 Miss St 10
The Bulldogs are going to suck this year, but I look to this game as a showcase of what new coach Dan Mullen is going to hopefully be able to do with the offense in coming seasons, which is nothing. Because it’s Mississippi State. Get it? I hope that instead of putting this game on TV they re-run one of those “Librarian” movies starring Noah Wiley. Those movies are like pork rinds for the mind.

Vandy 10 Rice 7
This game looks to be a heavyweight matchup in the way that “According to Jim” looks to be funny. This does not bode well for either team. Since this game is at Rice, I’m left to wonder if any of Vanderbilt’s students or fans actually travel to their away games. Even in down years you’ll see UA, AU, Florida, or LSU fans wandering around their away games, but when your team is guaranteed to suck (or your money back!), who pays to go to these things?

Ole Miss 31 Vandy 6
The only reason that I’m keeping the Rebels’ score as low as I did was because it is a home game for Vandy and I’m assuming that they get a little lethargic when overcome by the Nyquil-like atmosphere in the Commodore’s home stadium. I was impressed when I heard that Vanderbilt had upgraded the visitor’s locker room this year with extra comfy cots for halftime napping.

Army 28 Vandy 21
This is the army we’re talking about. Even though their players aren’t going to be the best of the best in college football, they’re still hardier than a bunch of private school players. Everyone knows that higher academic standards mean softer and less skilled football players. That’s why South Florida has done so well lately. Can you fog up a mirror most of the time? Welcome to the University of South Florida, son.

UGA 21 Vandy 10
Even with both teams dealing with a significant number of replacements on both sides of the ball, it’s still not even going to be close. If I don’t have the Commodores beating Army, I sure as hell won’t have them beating Georgia. This game only looks as close as it does because I’m assuming that Vandy steps up their game just a hair because this one is at home, and I’m giving them 10 garbage points in the 4th.

South Carolina 28 Vandy 14
After last year’s surprise victory over the Gamecocks, I have a feeling they’re going to come into this game with their eyes wide open and whip on Vandy like an angry farmer with a stupid mule. South Carolina is at home for this one, and the Commodores still suck, so don’t look for any surprises, unless maybe Spurrier gets a haircut or something. Will he go with the bowl cut, or the side part? The suspense is killing me.

Georgia Tech 21 Vandy 7
I’m going to assume that at this point the team morale for Vanderbilt is going to be so low that midgets will be lording over it. The triple option versus low talent and even lower self esteem. I wonder who’s going to win this one? When Vandy is playing, rarely does anyone truly “win”.

Florida 45 Vandy 3
This could be a real trap game for the Gators. Stop laughing. I’m serious. The Commodores could be so broken down at this point that they might resort to laying actual bear traps, pitfalls, and snares on the field just to have a chance against Florida. The real question isn’t “how much is Florida going to win by?” but “Will Tebow even play in this game?”

Kentucky 7 Vandy 6
Rich Brooks versus Bobby Johnson. The eternal struggle for dominance of nothing. This game is a lot like the playoffs in a North Korean badminton league. No one cares who wins, not even the participants. Look for Vandy’s kicker to be the hero of the hour, but Kentucky will ruin his dreams of glory with a TD somewhere between the 1st and 4th quarters.

Tennessee 21 Vandy 3
Can we say “rivalry game”? I thought so. New Vols head coach Elaine Kiffin will be trying to close out a difficult first season (most of which was his own fault) with a win over their only in-state rival. This should not be a hard task to accomplish at Neyland stadium, as that place is hard to play in just because of the smell alone, not to mention the puke-inside-of-a-pumpkin orange that is glaring from the home crowd.