The Cristal Baller: Mississippi State

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season, like most seasons for the Bulldogs, was not good. They went 4-8, were part of one of the saddest games that college football has ever seen (a 3-2 loss to Auburn), and managed to get a coach that everyone genuinely liked, Sly Croome, fired.

Can things get worse this season? God, I hope not. The only way that things could get worse is if a Pompeii-an style volcanic disaster hits Starkvegas. Miss. St. hopes to start anew with rookie head coach Dan Mullen, he of National Champion Florida Offensive Coordinator fame. Mullen is putting some great new ideas in place and hopes to turn the Bulldogs into a competitor in 3 or 4 years. Let’s be honest, if Spurrier can’t do a damn thing with a mid-tier SEC east team like South Carolina, how far do you think Mullen is going to get with the dregs of the west?

Season Predictions: 3-9

Miss St. 14 Jackson St. 12
Dan Mullen beats Jack Crowe as a head coach already, hands down. Unfortunately the players on both teams are probably evenly matched in the skill and talent categories. Look for the Bulldogs to win, but I’m guessing they give up a safety at some point.

Auburn 14 Miss St. 0
This is not a commentary on Chizik’s coaching abilities over Mullen’s, it’s just a fact that Auburn always has good defense, and this year will be no exception. Look for at least one of those AU TDs to be put on the board by the defense. I’m praying that we don’t get a repeat of last year.

Vanderbilt 17 Miss St. 10
The Commodores are looking to build on last year’s stellar season (well, stellar for Vandy) and I don’t see the Bulldogs standing in their way for too long. This game will probably be as boring as a dating show focused on fat people.

LSU 28 Miss St. 6
I’ve been saying for months that LSU is way overrated in everyone’s pre-season rankings, and I firmly believe that this season will expose Les Miles for the true dufus that I know he is. So what does it say about Miss St. when I have LS-Who beating them by 22?

Georgia Tech 21 Miss St. 13
I always hate predicting an ACC team to beat an SEC team. I feel like I should give any SEC team the benefit of the doubt against the ACC. But there are exceptions to every rule, and most of them start with, “Except for Mississippi State…”

Miss St. 17 Houston 14
Now we’re talking! I think that with all they’ve been through, the Bulldogs will savor this victory over the (insert Houston mascot name that I’m too lazy to look up here)’s in front of the home crowd. This is going to be such a sad game that I wouldn’t be surprised if this one doesn’t even get broadcast on radio.

Miss St. 21 Middle Tenn. St. 14
That’s right, ladies and gents. We’ve got the Bulldogs getting into the 20’s for their first game of the season. Middle Tennessee is no pushover, so… I can’t do this. I can’t try to talk up MT St. to make our one (occasional) reader who is a Miss St. fan feel better. Honestly, this is as good as the season is going to get for you guys. It’s all downhill from here.

Florida 77 Miss St. 3
So here’s the math on this score. I’m assuming that Florida will get 3 possessions per quarter, save for the 4th quarter where they will only get two possessions due to mercifully running out the clock. I’m also assuming that Florida will get a TD on every possession, and will give up a pity FG to Miss St. in the 4th.

Kentucky 14 Miss St. 9
Ugh. Here we go again. The bottom of the barrel from the west takes on the bottom of the barrel from the east. At least Bulldog fans have the hope that their team will get better in the future (that’s called a zinger, Mr. Brooks). It would be a tragedy if this is televised, as I would rather watch a badminton match for blind people than pathetic display.

Alabama 31 Miss St. 6
With Mississippi State’s defense looking so strong this year, look for them to smother Alabama’s less talented offense under their new system. The Mississippi State offense should be hitting their stride at this point in the season, so look for them to do some damage against Alabama’s struggling defensive front. Now swap the teams’ names around in the previous two sentences and you’ll have my actual opinion of what will happen in this game.

Arkansas 24 Miss St. 13
I’m going out on a limb here and saying that Petrino will have his system up and running very well at this point, especially with the addition of Michigan quarterback transfer Ryan Mallett. I’m not going out on a limb by saying that Miss St. will still suck at this point in the season, and that the entire team may just want to forfeit their last two to four games.

Ole Miss 28 Miss St. 10
I don’t think the Rebels’ defense is good enough to keep even the Bulldogs out of the end zone at least once. I do think their offense, led by QB Jevon Snead, will tear two new holes (side by side) in Mississippi State’s defensive ass by the end of the third quarter. This will be an ugly end to an ugly season. Commence drinking now, Bulldog fans, so that you don’t have to remember this season as it happens.