The Cristal Baller: Tennessee

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last season was a bit underwhelming for Tennessee fans, with the Volunteers going 5-7 in what most people would agree was a bit of a down year in the SEC where they STILL lost to a sad sack Auburn squad (Vol fans thanked God at the end of the season for the existence of Vandy and Kentucky). The season ended with no bowl game, and opponent favorite (to hate) coach Phil Fulmer being “released” with all of the dignity of a toilet being flushed.

This year the Tennessee faithful are showing signs of inexplicable hope under new head coach Elaine Kiffin (he of former USC offensive coordinating and failed Oakland Raiders head coaching fame). Kiffykins (not my nickname, but I like it, so I’ll use it) has stirred up both Volunteer fans and the rest of the SEC with his “writing checks his ass can’t cash” style of speaking. In Elaine’s defense, he has put together a fantastic coaching staff with defensive coordinator Monty Kiffin (his father, of Tampa-two NFL defensive fame), and Ed Orgeron (who can recruit and coach, but not head coach). Unfortunately, no amount of coaching firepower will make up for the fact that outside of “King Badass Safety who should be considered for the Heisman” Eric Berry, Tennessee doesn’t have a tremendous amount in the way of talent. Incoming freshman may make a few waves, but look for this to be a rough year for the Vols, especially during the Florida game.

Season Predictions: 5-7 [Editor's Note: Hey! That looks familiar!]

Tennessee 21 Western Kentucky 7
This should be a good start for the season. The Hilltoppers will give the Vols a much needed confidence boost to start off the season. I say much needed, because it is all downhill from here. I’ll take the “over” on Eric Berry eating 2 or more West Kentuck receivers whole during this game.

UCLA 28 Tennessee 17
And so the slide begins. After being eeked out by UCLA last year to start a turrible season, the Vols are looking for revenge. What they will actually find is a team that has learned from last year’s mistakes, has some good young players coming in to their own with the benefit of last year’s experience, and has more than just one player who is any good. Loss at Neyland = Laughing Alabama/Florida/Georgia/etc. fans.

Florida 105 Tennessee 0
Urban Meyer is not happy with Elaine after she took a few pot shots at him during the recruiting season. Meyer said nary a word about it at the time, but he has typically not been one to let things go. This guy is a grudge machine. So let me be the first one to make this ridiculous prediction: The Gators are going to hang a hundy on the Vols in the biggest smackdown of the year. This will be my 50Lb Box of Rape for the third week. God help those poor little guys in puke orange on that day.

Tennessee 17 Ohio 14
I see this being quite a close game, but the Vols are eventually going to pull it out for two reasons: One, this is a home game, and playing in Neyland stadium is a lot like playing in a sewer with rats who throw half empty whiskey bottles at you, and two, because they are going to have some serious frustration built up over last week’s emasculation at the hands of Florida.

Auburn 24 Tennessee 14
Is this a bold prediction? Hell yes it is. The offense is a giant question mark, and we’re incredibly suspect in the secondary, so how the hell can I justify picking them to win against the Vols at home? Easy, Tennessee is worse than us this year. Even if we don’t have an offensive juggernaut, Berry is really the only defensive threat, and their offense will not be able to hold up to AU’s defensive front. I still have a feeling that Berry is going to put one of our RB’s in the dirt in a highlight worthy moment at least once (hopefully only once).

UGA 28 Tennessee 14
Tennessee is going to be winded at this point, plain and simple. Their lack of depth is going to start to show, and the Dawgs should be getting their engine running at this point in the season. Mark Richt is not going to want to be the team in the SEC that loses to the Vols this season, and his team should help make that a reality. Look for Kiffin to be openly sobbing on the sidelines at this point in the season.

Alabama 35 Tennessee 0
I’m calling this game “Florida Redux”. Bama is going to be coming into this game with a chip on their shoulder thanks to Elaine and former Tide coach Lance Thompson’s chirping after Thompson left the Tide’s coaching staff in the offseason. Much like Urban Meyer, Saban doesn’t say a whole lot to the press, but he’s looking to dole out some hurt. Alabama’s Defense is going to be nasty this year, so don’t be surprised if this game looks like a re-hash of last year’s Iron Bowl, except worse because Alabama fans hate Tennessee even more than Auburn.

Tennessee 10 South Carolina 7
Spurrier inexplicably drops one or two games a year for no good reason. One of this year’s games will be against the Vols on their home turf. I don’t have a much better explanation for this game except to say that even a blind squirrel is going to find a nut every once in a while, and this feels like the kind of game where the Gamecocks implode in spectacular fashion.

Tennessee 21 Memphis 6
This is the kind of game where Eric Berry alone can win it for the Vols. Go ahead and mark this monster down for a defensive TD, and count on the Volunteer offense to produce two more. I see at least one of the Tigers’ two FGs coming as garbage points in the 4th.

Ole Miss 28 Tennessee 10
The Rebels may not be all that with a side of Baked Lays, but they have more than enough experience and firepower, not to mention home field advantage, to handle the Vols this year. Houston Nutt will continue to make funny faces on the sidelines while leading Ole Miss to victory over the ugly orange.

Tennessee 21 Vandy 3
This game should probably not be televised. A suck-filled Tennessee versus a Dyson powered suck machine in Vanderbilt. Who will win? No one who actually watches this game. In lieu of this crapfest, may I humbly suggest that you check out the Food Network’s marathon of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? Everything on that show looks delicious. Damn, now I’ve gone and made myself hungry.

Kentucky 10 Tennessee 7
I know that this is cause to push the “Upset Alert” button, but for some reason I just can’t see Rich Brooks not getting one lucky win on the season. This game is ripe for the picking, as it is a home game for the Wildcats and the football gods are pretty much going to owe him one after the way they’ve been trounced on up to this point in the season. It would also add a wonderful punctuation mark to the end of Mrs. Kiffin’s first collegiate head coaching season. Welcome to the SEC, madame.