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The Greatest Series of Play Calls in the World... Tribute

With Auburn having such a rough start this year, I thought it would be appropriate to release the kraken from my play calling arsenal. With nothing left to lose but hope itself, Auburn must begin their climb back from an 0-2 start. It begins with these four downs.

This series of play calls can be dialed up at any time, but for the sake of this hypothetical situation, we will assume that this is the first possession of the game. This is exactly what will happen if, God forbid, I am ever allowed to coach a high school/college/pro football team for four offensive downs.  This will work every time.

First Down:
It begins right here. Set the tone. Let your opponent know that no quarter will be asked, and none will be given. Make eye contact with the opposing coach and give a curt yet polite nod. The ref places the ball in front of the center and winds the clock. So it begins.

The center snaps the ball to the quarterback, thus initiating the play formerly known as “the Annexation of Puerto Rico”. Generally, this will result in a touchdown, due both to the incredulity generated by such a bold initial play call and the “can’t fail” nature of the Flea Flicker.

In the event that the first play does not result in any tangible benefit or harm, we move on to

Second Down:
This is where the mind games begin. By now, the opposing coach has to realize that this is no ordinary coach that he is facing. The mental aspect of this play call set is just as important as the actual plays being dialed up. Make eye contact with the opposing coach once again. Make your face an impassive expanse of stone. Show no emotion. The chess match of the mind has begun. Have your grad assistant call the play in to the quarterback.

At this moment, a law that flaunts the very nature of both physics and economics comes into play: The Law of Increasing Returns. By the very nature of unexpected repetition, you increase the effectiveness of said repetition.

The center snaps the ball. Flea. Flicker. At this point, the opposing defense and coaching staff, the announcer, and the crowd are stunned into reverent silence. The sheer artistry, brilliance, and ballsy nature of your play call, added to the fact that a touchdown has likely just been scored by your offense, has hushed the crowd.

In the event that the second play does not result in any tangible benefit or harm, we move on to

Third Down:
The Law of Increasing returns is now driving this train. You maintain eye contact with the opposing coach. You look deep into his soul, knowing what he’s thinking. Did that really just happen? Could he do it again? Is he that stupid? There’s no way that he’s that stupid.

You call in the play. The tension in the stadium is palpable. The chess game continues. You just touched your knight, didn’t move him, and still put the other coach in check. Now what?

You know what. Flea Flicker.

There is no way this would actually happen, but if this third play fails to produce a touchdown or first down, we move on to

Fourth Down:
At this point, you’re in the other coach’s head. The foundation of his world is crumbling. Dogs and cats, living together! Mass Hysteria. The chess pieces are floating above nothing. There is no board.

You don’t send out the punt team. You don’t call in a play. You make eye contact with your opponent, and you Stare. Him. Down. For 39 seconds, you draw him into the abyss. Without breaking eye contact, you call a time out with :01 on the play clock.

You bring the offense together and you point to the play, written in all caps on a dry erase board in three different colored markers. Your quarterback’s eyes have grown to the size of saucers, ostensibly in awe of the genius he’s witnessing.

ESPN has left whatever they are showing at this exact moment, and is now tuning all 8 channels of the ESPN family to this game. LeBron James could have just successfully dunked from half court and they would dump that feed for this game.

The sheer stupidity and improbability of you calling a FOURTH consecutive Flea Flicker has the entire sporting world on its collective toes.  The announcers think you're crazy.  Your fan base thinks you're insane.  The other team doesn't know what to think.

Your offense marches back onto the field and settles into formation.  The quarterback points at a few defensive players and settles in behind the center.  The ball is snapped.

Flea Flicker.

Touchdown.

Glory.

For the Auburn Tigers, It’s time to be “All In!”

Don't be so glum Aubies. People who know me know my feelings towards the Auburn Nation. Let me say it bluntly. I don’t like Auburn, I never have and I probably never will. I almost threw-up when during the 2010 Iron Bowl and again having to see Cam Newton hold up that crystal ball. It almost ruined our 2009 National Championship. It’s nothing personal against Auburn fans; it’s just ingrained into me. Auburn = Pure Evil.  And yet here I am going to try and help Auburn. I told my boss last Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday that Chizik had not coached a more important game since the 2010 National Championship then the Mississippi State game this year. Why? Because I knew that if he lost it, the wheels would begin to come off the Auburn Express.

Whenever I hear Auburn fans say, “We’re a family at Auburn,” and “Everyone at Auburn from the fans, to the coaches, to the players are ‘All in!’.” Why do I laugh? Where was this family spirit for Tommy Tuberville? Where was it for Barrett Trotter? Where is it now for Kiehl Frazier? Auburn fans, and I’m not talking about just the nuts that call into radio shows, were once calling Gene Chizik the best coach in the country, now they call him a joke. If you guys are a family you are a f***ed up one. And guess what all teams are like that; Alabama isn’t a family. If Nick Saban had three losing seasons he would go from god to the devil in Bama fans eyes. We love him as long as he’s winning. My point Auburn Fans, you aren’t a family don’t pretend that you are.

Auburn is on a precipice right now. Things are worse than even Auburn fans realize. It’s not just a 0-2 start. It’s not that one of those was a blow-out. Look at last year. Auburn’s record of 8-5 doesn’t begin to tell the story. Auburn won a miracle game against Utah State at home, they needed a goal line stand to beat Mississippi State, and they barely beat Florida at home when the Gators had their third string QB in. And the big elephant in the room, the five humiliating blow-out losses to Clemson, Arkansas, LSU, Georgia, and Alabama. There were some wins against South Carolina and Ole Miss, but all in all it was not a great season by any stretch. The 8-5 record sugar coated last year’s season, but deep down Auburn fans knew something was wrong. They weren’t competitive in any of their big games.

And so the year has begun and the Tigers are 0-2, losing 28-10 to a team they almost always beat. Not just losing, but Auburn looked awful. Kiehl Frazier played poorly; the offense lacks weapons, and Auburn’s secondary made Tyler Russell look like Peyton Manning. I’m sure “Fire Chizik” WebPages are already going up. My colleague Drew Holland has already predicted a 4-8 season.

Well Auburn fans all that seems pretty bad, and I know what you’re thinking. How does this article help Auburn? He’s just badmouthing us. Well I had to get all the bad stuff out of the way. Here comes the good stuff.

1) Auburn has a lot of talent on their roster. Gene Chizik and company have brought in a lot of four and five star guys over the past three and a half years. Auburn has the talent to compete with almost anyone. Note I do say almost anyone.

2) Don’t give up on Van Gorder, Loeffler, and yes even Chizik. These guys have had success, Van Gorder has been successful at Georgia, Loeffler has coached Tom Brady, Tim Tebow, and Chad Henne all who had college success. And yes regardless of Cam Newton, Gene Chizik did win a National Title. Would Auburn have won it without Cam Newton, probably not? But guess what you guys did win it. Enjoy it, despite what others say you won it fair and square.

3) Quit expecting your team to win a national title every year. They can’t and they won’t. Auburn is a good program, sometimes a great program, and every now and again a national power. But you guys aren’t USC, you’re not Ohio State, and you’re not Alabama. Someday you might be, but you’re not right now. So what 60 programs in the country would love to be Auburn.

4) This year is not over!!! I can’t say that enough. Yes you’re 0-2. Guess what you have 10 games left. Auburn fans fill the stadium next week. Whip up on La. Monroe. Yes I know they beat Arkansas. Who cares? You’re the better team, take your aggression out on the Warhawks and blow them out of the water. Then get ready to give LSU and Arkansas everything you’ve got.

5) You guys will get better, these coaches live and breathe football and they will correct these problems.

I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass here. When it comes to football I try and be honest. I thought Bama played pretty shitty ball against Western Kentucky this week. So there you know I’m honest. Like I said I’ve always laughed at Auburns “All In!” signs. Well guess what Tigers; it’s time to be “All In.” Don’t abandon your team; this is when they need you the most. I still don’t like Auburn; I hope you go 0-12 this year. So get behind your team and prove an asshole like me wrong. In 2003 when Alabama lost a clunker of a game to Northern Illinois I was angry and embarrassed, but next week I got my Bama shirt ironed and went to see us lose to Arkansas in 2OTs the next week. We won four games that year, but I still bought season tickets for 2004. Go get your ugly ass orange and blue, go see your dumb-ass eagle fly around the stadium and support your team. Because they are still your team no matter what. Don’t jump off the ship, stay on the ship and start bailing water. It’s not over till it’s over, so what you’re 0-2. Finish the year 10-2. In the words of a fan-base I can’t stand to be around and a team I despise, “War Damn Eagle!”

A Letter From Gene Chizik to Bill O'Brien

9/4/12

Dear Bill,

First let me say how sorry I was to hear that Penn State lost to Ohio on Saturday. Note that I said “sorry” and not “surprised”. Before you get offended by that statement, let me get to the point of this letter.

THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for hiring Ted Roof away from us. I know that he “resigned” (I fired him. High five) and initially took a job with Central Florida before you hired him as your defensive coordinator. In my gut I feel like you hired him away from us, and I’ve got to give credit where credit is due: That took balls.

 When I watched your Nittany Lions give up 499 total yards of offense to the Ohio Whatevers, I saw a defense that brought a chill to the very depths of my soul. It was as pure of a Ted Roof defense as has ever been fielded. The man is truly on his game in rural Pennsylvania. The pass rush? Nonexistent. Blitzing? What’s that? Creating turnovers? That would be mean.

Now you might be saying to yourself, “Didn’t Auburn give up 528 total yards of offense to Clemson?” And the answer is “sure”, but Clemson is no Ohio, and stop changing the subject, jerk.

In closing, thanks again for taking our anchor and tying it to your ship, and good luck with all THAT.

Sincerely,
Eugene Chizik VII

Why Alabama Won't Win the National Championship This Year

As we head into the 2012 season of college football, there are several teams with high expectations that have been dubbed frontrunners for the National Championship. USC, LSU, Oklahoma and Alabama are all being given high odds to win the big one. What follows is a well thought out and reasoned argument as to why Big Al won’t be celebrating a 36th National Championship next year. If you’re a close minded, die hard Alabama fan, please keep reading, as this is going to send your blood pressure through the roof. If you’re a fan of any other team, get a neck brace, because you’re going to be nodding your head more than a Busta Rhymes song because of the truthiness of what follows.

1. Alabama SUCKs:
That is to say that Alabama Suffers from Underperforming Coaching in Kicking. Jeremy Shelley and Cade Foster both performed okay last season, unless there was any sort of pressure to make the Field Goal. A look at the actual stats shows a season total 63.9% Field Goals made (23 of 36 total attempts) with the first and second LSU games as standouts. The first LSU game resulted in an abysmal 2 for 6 FGs, while retribution was attained in the National Championship game with 5 for 7 FGs being made. Because the latter stat does not support my argument, it will be thrown out as an outlier. Did the coaching get better over the offseason? My sources (a dachshund puppy named Mr. Pickles) say “no way”. Due to Shelley’s offseason training regimen of eating a large Messe Nachos from Taco Casa on a daily basis, don’t look for this area of Bama’s game to get any better.

2. Alabama will BLOWW:
Another acronym here. This one means that Alabama will Be Left Out by Westcoast Writers. A general sense of SEC fatigue, fatigue over teams from the state of Alabama (3INTHELAST3YEARSWOOOOOOOOOOO), and fatigue with Alabama in particular will lead to a media conspiracy to keep the Tide out of the National Championship game at any cost. Watch as Kirk Herbstreit pumps up USC’s weak schedule and coyly wipes his mouth after “picking up a dropped fork” under Matt Barkley’s table. There isn’t a playoff to help the Tide until next year, so look for the media to use this last year under the old BCS system to keep the crimson man down.

3. Alabama will lose at least 1 game this year:
Last year, a close loss to the number 1 ranked team, followed by a ridiculous confluence of events (literally everything that happened after November 5th favored UA. They really should have bought a few lottery tickets or something) led to THE REMATCH in the National Championship. This led to an SEC team finally losing in the National Championship, and a nationwide outcry by everyone else that “stuff is unfair, and stuff”. This year when the Crimson Tide loses a game, you can be rest assured that will spell the end to their championship aspirations. Most of the pundits say that LSU is the Tide’s biggest threat. My guess is that they’ll win at LSU, but probably lay an egg at Tennessee or against Mississippi State. I refuse to address Michigan as a threat to anything but the Olive Garden’s supply of soup, salad, and breadsticks.

4. AJ McCarron is Insane:
Part of the evidence for this is heresay, but that has never stopped anyone before and what are we in a court of law or something mister lawyer I didn’t think so. We first turn to the NC MVP’s badass tattoo, which we have previously described as a Baptist Coat of Arms. The sheer ridiculousness of his subtle chest tattoo immediately calls his sanity into question. Additionally, the roommate of a current football player has relayed to me McCarron’s apparently legitimate belief that the United States Government is controlled by aliens who direct our every move. Actually, this could be a plus or minus , as anyone that awesomely insane could be a weapon if directed properly. If not directed properly, he could be a ticking time bomb under center, just waiting to cause a loss.

5. This is Vandy’s Year:
The finally nail in the coffin for UA is the event that will provide the basis for GI Joe 3: The Rise of Vanderbilt. Let’s face it, this is Vandy’s year. Fiesty coach? Check. A quarterback on the roster who is obviously related to Stephen Colbert? Check. A destiny mandated by the gods of three out of four major worldwide religions? CHECK. You might as well buy a sleeping car ticket on the Commodore train now, because you don’t want to look like one of those jackass bandwagon fans jumping on halfway through the season after James Franklin’s squad dry humps Florida into submission on October 13th.

 So there you have it. Sorry, Bama Nation. There’s nothing that I can do. It do what it do, baby boo. Console yourselves with the fact that as long as Nick Saban is your coach, you’re only one top 3 recruiting class away from being in contention again, and only 7 to 9 blown ACLs from being out of contention. Those are good odds, my friends.