Why Alabama Won't Win the National Championship This Year

As we head into the 2012 season of college football, there are several teams with high expectations that have been dubbed frontrunners for the National Championship. USC, LSU, Oklahoma and Alabama are all being given high odds to win the big one. What follows is a well thought out and reasoned argument as to why Big Al won’t be celebrating a 36th National Championship next year. If you’re a close minded, die hard Alabama fan, please keep reading, as this is going to send your blood pressure through the roof. If you’re a fan of any other team, get a neck brace, because you’re going to be nodding your head more than a Busta Rhymes song because of the truthiness of what follows.

1. Alabama SUCKs:
That is to say that Alabama Suffers from Underperforming Coaching in Kicking. Jeremy Shelley and Cade Foster both performed okay last season, unless there was any sort of pressure to make the Field Goal. A look at the actual stats shows a season total 63.9% Field Goals made (23 of 36 total attempts) with the first and second LSU games as standouts. The first LSU game resulted in an abysmal 2 for 6 FGs, while retribution was attained in the National Championship game with 5 for 7 FGs being made. Because the latter stat does not support my argument, it will be thrown out as an outlier. Did the coaching get better over the offseason? My sources (a dachshund puppy named Mr. Pickles) say “no way”. Due to Shelley’s offseason training regimen of eating a large Messe Nachos from Taco Casa on a daily basis, don’t look for this area of Bama’s game to get any better.

2. Alabama will BLOWW:
Another acronym here. This one means that Alabama will Be Left Out by Westcoast Writers. A general sense of SEC fatigue, fatigue over teams from the state of Alabama (3INTHELAST3YEARSWOOOOOOOOOOO), and fatigue with Alabama in particular will lead to a media conspiracy to keep the Tide out of the National Championship game at any cost. Watch as Kirk Herbstreit pumps up USC’s weak schedule and coyly wipes his mouth after “picking up a dropped fork” under Matt Barkley’s table. There isn’t a playoff to help the Tide until next year, so look for the media to use this last year under the old BCS system to keep the crimson man down.

3. Alabama will lose at least 1 game this year:
Last year, a close loss to the number 1 ranked team, followed by a ridiculous confluence of events (literally everything that happened after November 5th favored UA. They really should have bought a few lottery tickets or something) led to THE REMATCH in the National Championship. This led to an SEC team finally losing in the National Championship, and a nationwide outcry by everyone else that “stuff is unfair, and stuff”. This year when the Crimson Tide loses a game, you can be rest assured that will spell the end to their championship aspirations. Most of the pundits say that LSU is the Tide’s biggest threat. My guess is that they’ll win at LSU, but probably lay an egg at Tennessee or against Mississippi State. I refuse to address Michigan as a threat to anything but the Olive Garden’s supply of soup, salad, and breadsticks.

4. AJ McCarron is Insane:
Part of the evidence for this is heresay, but that has never stopped anyone before and what are we in a court of law or something mister lawyer I didn’t think so. We first turn to the NC MVP’s badass tattoo, which we have previously described as a Baptist Coat of Arms. The sheer ridiculousness of his subtle chest tattoo immediately calls his sanity into question. Additionally, the roommate of a current football player has relayed to me McCarron’s apparently legitimate belief that the United States Government is controlled by aliens who direct our every move. Actually, this could be a plus or minus , as anyone that awesomely insane could be a weapon if directed properly. If not directed properly, he could be a ticking time bomb under center, just waiting to cause a loss.

5. This is Vandy’s Year:
The finally nail in the coffin for UA is the event that will provide the basis for GI Joe 3: The Rise of Vanderbilt. Let’s face it, this is Vandy’s year. Fiesty coach? Check. A quarterback on the roster who is obviously related to Stephen Colbert? Check. A destiny mandated by the gods of three out of four major worldwide religions? CHECK. You might as well buy a sleeping car ticket on the Commodore train now, because you don’t want to look like one of those jackass bandwagon fans jumping on halfway through the season after James Franklin’s squad dry humps Florida into submission on October 13th.

 So there you have it. Sorry, Bama Nation. There’s nothing that I can do. It do what it do, baby boo. Console yourselves with the fact that as long as Nick Saban is your coach, you’re only one top 3 recruiting class away from being in contention again, and only 7 to 9 blown ACLs from being out of contention. Those are good odds, my friends.