The Greatest Series of Play Calls in the World... Tribute

With Auburn having such a rough start this year, I thought it would be appropriate to release the kraken from my play calling arsenal. With nothing left to lose but hope itself, Auburn must begin their climb back from an 0-2 start. It begins with these four downs.

This series of play calls can be dialed up at any time, but for the sake of this hypothetical situation, we will assume that this is the first possession of the game. This is exactly what will happen if, God forbid, I am ever allowed to coach a high school/college/pro football team for four offensive downs.  This will work every time.

First Down:
It begins right here. Set the tone. Let your opponent know that no quarter will be asked, and none will be given. Make eye contact with the opposing coach and give a curt yet polite nod. The ref places the ball in front of the center and winds the clock. So it begins.

The center snaps the ball to the quarterback, thus initiating the play formerly known as “the Annexation of Puerto Rico”. Generally, this will result in a touchdown, due both to the incredulity generated by such a bold initial play call and the “can’t fail” nature of the Flea Flicker.

In the event that the first play does not result in any tangible benefit or harm, we move on to

Second Down:
This is where the mind games begin. By now, the opposing coach has to realize that this is no ordinary coach that he is facing. The mental aspect of this play call set is just as important as the actual plays being dialed up. Make eye contact with the opposing coach once again. Make your face an impassive expanse of stone. Show no emotion. The chess match of the mind has begun. Have your grad assistant call the play in to the quarterback.

At this moment, a law that flaunts the very nature of both physics and economics comes into play: The Law of Increasing Returns. By the very nature of unexpected repetition, you increase the effectiveness of said repetition.

The center snaps the ball. Flea. Flicker. At this point, the opposing defense and coaching staff, the announcer, and the crowd are stunned into reverent silence. The sheer artistry, brilliance, and ballsy nature of your play call, added to the fact that a touchdown has likely just been scored by your offense, has hushed the crowd.

In the event that the second play does not result in any tangible benefit or harm, we move on to

Third Down:
The Law of Increasing returns is now driving this train. You maintain eye contact with the opposing coach. You look deep into his soul, knowing what he’s thinking. Did that really just happen? Could he do it again? Is he that stupid? There’s no way that he’s that stupid.

You call in the play. The tension in the stadium is palpable. The chess game continues. You just touched your knight, didn’t move him, and still put the other coach in check. Now what?

You know what. Flea Flicker.

There is no way this would actually happen, but if this third play fails to produce a touchdown or first down, we move on to

Fourth Down:
At this point, you’re in the other coach’s head. The foundation of his world is crumbling. Dogs and cats, living together! Mass Hysteria. The chess pieces are floating above nothing. There is no board.

You don’t send out the punt team. You don’t call in a play. You make eye contact with your opponent, and you Stare. Him. Down. For 39 seconds, you draw him into the abyss. Without breaking eye contact, you call a time out with :01 on the play clock.

You bring the offense together and you point to the play, written in all caps on a dry erase board in three different colored markers. Your quarterback’s eyes have grown to the size of saucers, ostensibly in awe of the genius he’s witnessing.

ESPN has left whatever they are showing at this exact moment, and is now tuning all 8 channels of the ESPN family to this game. LeBron James could have just successfully dunked from half court and they would dump that feed for this game.

The sheer stupidity and improbability of you calling a FOURTH consecutive Flea Flicker has the entire sporting world on its collective toes.  The announcers think you're crazy.  Your fan base thinks you're insane.  The other team doesn't know what to think.

Your offense marches back onto the field and settles into formation.  The quarterback points at a few defensive players and settles in behind the center.  The ball is snapped.

Flea Flicker.

Touchdown.

Glory.