The Cristal Baller: Florida

Welcome to the Cristal Baller, where we make wholly unsubstantiated predictions on how all of the SEC teams will be performing in the 2009 season. Just like in Hollywood casting, couch time is rewarded with preferential treatment.

Last year Florida was a very talented team, a very, very talented team. They were talented enough to beat Alabama and Oklahoma back to back to win the SEC and BCS Championships. This year they will be a lot better. Really think about that. How can a clear national title winner get that much better? With Urban Meyer as your coach apparently its pretty easy.

Florida is returning a quarterback who is not only the face of college football but could go down as the greatest college player of all time if he scores another Heisman and a third NC. Not to mention they have the best MLB in Brandon Spikes and slew of other five star recruits. It’s simple for the Florida Gators this year: win the title and your season was a success; don’t win a national title and the season was a failure.

Season Predictions: 12-0

Florida 51 Charleston Southern 3
I can quarterback Florida to a victory here. I think Florida will win.

Florida 42 Troy 6
Troy is a lot better team than Charleston, so I think they get two field goals instead of one.

Florida 63 Tennessee 10
Lane Kiffin, did you see what Meyer did to Georgia last year. That was what he does with kid gloves off. You’ve pissed him off, you’ll be lucky if the score of the game is close to my prediction.

Florida 41 Kentucky 17
Unless Tebow, Spikes, and the rest of the Gators gets struck by lightning look for this to be a blowout of epic proportion, as Kentucky does not match up in any way to the mighty Gators.

Florida 31 LSU 24
The only game this year where Florida feels human, if for no other reason than because they play bad in Tiger stadium. However, this year a couple turnovers are not enough to force a Florida defeat.

Florida 45 Arkansas 9
Florida shreds a paltry Razorback defense and though Arkansas will make some yards on Florida they won’t be able to punch it in the end zone.

Florida 42 Mississippi State 3
The only interesting thing about this game is Dan Mullen playing his old boss and protégé. Cheer up Mississippi State fans at least you’ll get to see one good team play in your stadium this year!

Florida 38 Georgia 13
The “World’s Largest Cocktail Party” will be fun for the Georgia fans and the Florida fans. Wait, did I say fun for Florida and Georgia. I meant just Florida.

Florida 41 Vanderbilt 10
I’m bored with typing nice things about Florida. So here’s a fun fact: did you know in your lifetime you will swallow 20,000 spiders. Kind of creepy?

Florida 28 South Carolina 3
Spurrier would love to get this win over his old team. But hell I want work for ESPN and take Chris Fowler’s job. It’s more likely I’ll get what I want Spurs.

Florida 51 Florida International 0
Something good about Florida and demeaning to International and blah, blah, blah . . .

Florida 48 Florida State 24
Florida rounds out a perfect 12-0 season and the people of Gainesville, FL rejoice. Whereas people in either Tuscaloosa, Baton Rouge, or Oxford figure out the best way to kidnap Tebow.