Five for Friday

Welcome to Five for Friday, where we pick what we consider to be the five most interesting games for the week, and then make an uneducated guess as to which team is going to win. We're usually wrong, so it's best to use these as a "bet against" guide. Enjoy!

Texas Tech is going to fly the friendly skies all over Texas. I think that Texas Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp is God’s gift to defensive coordinators, but we need to be honest with each other here: Texas Tech’s offense is just plain nasty good. The Red Raider’s QB Graham Harrell has thrown for 3100+ yards and 28 touchdowns with only 5 interceptions in eight games. And he did this against actual opponents, not on an xbox or the practice field. That is just un-freaking-believable. The Longhorn’s weak point in this game is their 112th ranked pass defense going up against the Red Raider’s 1st ranked pass offense. Look for Muschamp to throw some new defensive kinks at Mike Leach’s vaunted spread offense, particularly regarding blitz packages that Tech’s strong offensive line haven’t seen so far this year. Heisman front runner Colt McCoy will do a more than passable job at keeping the Longhorns in the game, leading a balanced offense to try and exploit the Red Raider’s weakest defensive point, their secondary. For me, this game comes down to the fact that if Tech can stop Texas on two drives, they will win the game.

Florida is going to give Georgia a hangover at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Georgia QB Matt Stafford has 12 TDs with only 5 interceptions, and RB Knowshon Moreno has almost 1,000 yards rushing and 12 TDs, while Florida has a huge chip on their collective shoulders from last year’s loss to Georgia, and a baby rhinoceros named Tim Tebow. The aforementioned Tebow also has 12 TDs but with a paltry 2 interceptions on the year. Florida doesn’t have a single back to match Moreno, but they do have a committee of rushers, including Jeffrey Demps, Chris Rainey, and reformed FB Tim Tebow. The real story of this game is a Florida team who wants revenge for a celebration at the beginning of last year’s game that galvanized the Bulldogs to a victory. The key to this game is going to be the Gator’s passing attack, as they try to exploit the Bulldog’s 79th ranked pass defense. I have a feeling that Georgia might want to go ahead and put on those mourning jerseys again for this one.

Florida State thrusts a Flaming Spear into Georgia Tech’s Heart. With all the talk about Penn State and Joe Pa, has anyone noticed Florida State is the highest ranked ACC team and has only one loss. With Maryland on bye this week Florida State could take full control of the Atlantic Division with a win over the Yellow Jackets. Georgia Tech’s offense has been extremely anemic, as Josh Nesbitt still has trouble moving the ball down the field. Don’t look for a lot of points with the 3rd(FSU) and 11th(GT) best defenses in the country going head to head. If the Noles win it will be them and Maryland leading the ACC pack. When they play each other in a few weeks the unthinkable may happen. College Gameday for an ACC game!

West Virginia stops Connecticut RB monster, Donald Brown. If you think Florida vs. Georgia is the unofficial game for the SEC East, then this is the unofficial Big East Championship. West Virginia (#1 in the Big East) will try to stop Connecticut’s (#2 in the Big East) running game. Leading this powerful rushing attack is Husky RB Donald Brown, a Heisman caliber back who has already compiled 1324 yards and 14 TDs. Connecticut will try their best to stop a revitalized Pat White who moved the ball up and down the field against a good Auburn defense. Whoever wins this game still has to play Pitt and South Florida. I like the Mountaineers to take a two score lead in the third quarter and never look back.

Arkansas is going to go all “Katrina” on Tulsa. It’s funny because Tulsa’s mascot is the Golden Hurricane. Wait? That’s not funny? Oh well. Sure, Tulsa is ranked 19th, and sure, statistically speaking they have the number 1 offense in the country, averaging a hair over 600 yards per game. The Razorbacks have something far more intimidating on their side: The crushing weight of history. The Golden Hurricane (you aren’t supposed to pluralize that I’ve been told) haven’t won against the Razorbacks since 1976. Let me put this in a little more context for you: Tulsa hasn’t won against this team since the Ford administration. Since the Bee Gees were cool, George Lucas was filming the first Star Wars, and Eric Clapton was still doing massive amounts of cocaine and heroin. What I’m trying to say is that it’s been a while. Look for Bobby Petrino to finally be able to hang his hat on a “quality” win this year as the Razorbacks fall bass ackwards into a victory over poor, snakebit Tulsa.

Will Ole Miss Get Tuberville Canned?

As a long time member of the Auburn nation, I’ve seen our good years, and our bad years. This year is a bad one. While I’m not happy with it, I accept that we’re not going to be great every single year. Some of the rumblings that I’m hearing out of Auburn don’t really agree with my sentiments.

While most rank and file Auburn fans are still at least moderately behind Tuberville, I’m hearing that the Board of Directors and the administration are quietly thinking about offering Tubbs a $3,000,000 buyout to resign at the end of the year. One version that I’ve heard hinges on the win or loss of this week’s game to Houston Nutt’s Ole Miss Rebels. While I think that is ridiculous on six or seven levels (either fire the guy for this year’s performance or don’t, one game won’t make a difference) I can see that kind of logic coming from Auburn’s administration, particularly from the Bobby Lowder camp.

Tuberville has brought Auburn to a significantly higher level of play over his ten year tenure, but his absurd loyalty to his Ole Miss staff who transplanted with him has held Auburn back at least four out of those ten years, this year included. For those who are interested, the other years would be 2003, 2005, and 2007. Particularly 2003, as Steven Ensminger’s play calling was just slightly better than handing the playbook to Corky from “Life Goes On”.

Tuberville has given Auburn only one SEC championship, but he also gave us an undefeated 13-0 season. No National Championship, you say? Blame the BCS, not Tubbs. He’s proven that he’s a great coach who has a stunning ability to lay at least one big egg a year to keep Auburn out of the SEC championship (save for 2004). But the question that I’m going to ask Auburn’s Board and the administrators (who I’m assuming read this site for my razor wit and keen insight) is this: Who the hell are you going to replace him with?

Saban’s taken. Spurrier might leave South Carolina, but who would willingly leave a cushy situation to come work for you guys? Muschamp? Try no chance. He’s already dealt with you jackasses once and is unlikely to do so again without some sort of motivation provided by a firearm. What about Lane Kiffin? Nope, he’s looking hard at the Washington job. Bobby Petrino, who you wanted in 2003? Sure, if you want a guy who will bolt by next September when things aren’t running smooth. Okay, let’s try Jim Grobe. He’d love to leave Wake Forest, right? Not if there’s a coordinator position available at Texas…

Week 9 Wrap Up: Return of the Coors Light Knight

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Kendall Hunter, RB for the Oklahoma State Cowboys. I am giving this guy my gutsiest performance of the week. Playing the mighty Texas Longhorns seemed like too daunting a task for Cowboys, but they looked like every bit a top ten team, and came up just short. Kendall Hunter ran all over the Texas defense, coming up with 168 yard and a TD after he had a bad fumble to start the game. This guy has a heck of a future. What happened to that stifling rush defense Muschamp? Are you too pre-occupied by picking out your new head coaching job?

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
Ohio State Buckeyes. Well the Buckeye defense showed up, but the offense must have overslept. I really expected for OSU to win this game, but while the defense did everything it could, a costly couple of turnovers by Pryor lost them the game. But don’t get down Buckeye nation, Pryor is the real deal and will be great some day. He just wasn’t ready for this kind of spotlight. It showed Saturday night.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them)
Tennessee Volunteers. If you thought Bama was not going to be upset this weekend, you might have been the only one. Just about everyone (except Kirk Herbstreet) predicted a Bama fall. But when you are hated as much as Tennessee is hated, it doesn’t just rain it pours. Bama pounded the ball down the field, John Parker played mistake free football, Julio Jones had his first 100 yard game, and every call went against the Volunteers. It seems like everyone hates Tennessee. Alabama hates Tennessee, Auburn hates Tennessee, Georgia hates Tennessee, Florida hates Tennessee, even Tennessee hates Tennessee. Don’t believe the hate, in Bama’s last drive Tennessee stopped Bama at midfield setting up a punt on a 4th and 3. Alabama punted the ball, but guess what; the Vols got a five yard offside flag. Bama’s drive continued and they ran out the clock. It was that kind of day for Tennessee.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset) :
Roughing passer call saves Texas from interception. The score was 21-14 and Texas was deep in Oklahoma State territory. McCoy threw a pass that was picked off by an Oklahoma State defender at the 10 yard line saving a score. But there was a flag thrown in the backfield. OSU Linebacker Andre Sexton hit McCoy right in the face mask with his hand and Texas got a big break and a new set of downs. McCoy then ran the ball in three yards for a TD making the score 28-14. At the time it didn’t seem like a huge deal because Texas appeared to be running away with the game. But Okie State ended scoring 10 points, and held Texas scoreless the rest of the game. If it hadn’t been for that penalty who knows what would have happened.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Florida steals Kentucky’s soul. How did this happen. I could see Florida beating Kentucky badly, especially when half of the Wildcat’s first string players were injured, but 63-5? A couple of punt blocks, nine TDs, and a great interception return equal a blowout over a bad Kentucky team. Rarely seen Tebow backup John Brantley got three throwing attempts, he completed two of them for 52 yards and a TD.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Frank Beamer, Head Coach of the Virginia Tech Hokies. Yeah that’s right, I think Beamer is on the hot seat, it’s my article. Virginia Tech was definitely supposed to be an ACC contender, but they have already lost their third game this year, two of them are to ACC teams. Now they have lost their starting and secondary quarterbacks. There are probably a few more losses in store for the Hokies. When will they say to Beamer, you just aren’t doing enough. In case you were wondering a firebeamer.com webpage is already up.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Josh Nesbitt, QB for the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. This was a hard award to give, but for a Georgia Tech team that was riding high after beating Clemson and finally getting a #21 rank, Tech lost a clunker to Virginia. Nesbitt threw for just over 100 yards with no TDs and a pick. With their final games against Florida State, Miami, North Carolina, and Georgia they will be lucky to end the season with seven wins. Nesbitt has got to figure out a way to move the ball.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Graham Harrell, QB for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. It was another day in the park for Graham Harrell, he threw for 386 yards, five TDs, and one rushing TD. He also completed 80% of his passes and threw no interceptions. I can’t give him much more praise, then by listing his stats. They speak for themselves. He just passed Sam Bradford on the Heisman list in my book.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Vanderbilt Commodores. After a win over Auburn and a 5-0 start it looked almost impossible that Vandy would not be bowl eligible this year. But it looks like that is exactly what is going to happen. This is the Vandy we had to know would eventually show up. They have now lost three straight to Mississippi State, Georgia, and Duke. With only Florida, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Wake Forest left, it looks kind of bleak for the slumping Commodores.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Texas Tech Red Raiders. This award was not even close. This was the week when I and many people thought Texas Tech would get exposed, they might win sure, but it would come down to the wire. I was very wrong. Tech decimated the Jayhawks, not only dominating on offense, but holding them under 30 points (for an offense like Kansas that is pretty good). They jumped USC in the BCS standings and have a chance to take Texas’ position in the polls if they can beat the Longhorns in the huge match-up at Lubbock next week. The Red Raiders have proved you need very little defense when you can score a gazillion points.

Week 8 Wrap Up: Flat Stanley Edition

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Chris Turner, QB for the Maryland Terrapins. Maryland is at the top of the ACC right now after shutting out #21 Wake Forest. It’s very rare to shutout a college football team let alone a good team like Wake Forest. Knowing that Wake had a good rush defense Chris Turner delivered a gutsy performance and went to the air for three over 300 yards and a score. The Terps may be Orange Bowl bound (wow that sounds weird).

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
BYU Cougars. There was hardly any shake-up in the top ten rankings this week except for the fact that the Cougars got the smack down by the Horned Frogs of TCU. The major BCS buster is officially busted (how many times has that line been used this weekend) and can only look forward to playing spoiler to Utah. Oh well, you still beat UCLA like a zillion to zero.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Michigan State Spartans. I know what you are thinking, who hates Michigan State? I really can’ think of anyone, but obviously someone hates them because they were beaten 45-7 at home in a game many thought they would win. So much for the Spartans shot at the Rose Bowl. With Javon Ringer going to the NFL, it might be a while before they get another shot.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Garcia gets stopped by a ref in the LSU game. The defender approached South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia who had found a hole, and slammed his shoulder into Garcia’s chest. Which LSU defender made this great play you ask? None of them did. It was little ole’ Wilber Hackett Jr. a reliable ref for SEC games. Mr. Hackett immediately received scholarship offers from Syracuse, Washington State, and Texas A&M.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
USC destroys a Terrible Washington State. Talk about Goliath beating David. USC crushed Wazzou and ate their soul. USC could literally have named their score in this game. I think right now that Washington State is worse than many Washington high school teams right now.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Sylvester Croom, Head Coach of the Mississippi State Bulldogs. Vandy got Croomed two weeks ago, but his week Sylvester was Fulmered in Tennessee. I like Sly Croom, and he had a great season last year. But this year was supposed to be even better and it is a million times worse. Last year they went 8-5 with a bowl win. This year they won’t have a winning record with almost the same team they had last year. Eventually Mississippi State will have to show Croom the door.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Riley Skinner, QB for the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Wake Forest had a chance do something this year, but it got a lot harder after being shut out by Maryland on Saturday. Skinner went for just over 100 yards with no TD passes. He is supposed to be the leader of this team, but failed to impress as his team was stomped. He was under .500 for completions, and failed to be able to inspire his team.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
David Johnson, QB for the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes. Did anyone see the end zone to end zone pass that David Johnson threw this weekend? If you didn’t you missed one of the most beautiful (yes beautiful) passes I have ever seen. Under pressure and standing in his zone, Johnson threw a gem of a ball right into the hands of his receiver. The pass was 50+ yards and the WR ran it in the rest of the way. Oh yeah and he added 4 more TD passes and over 400 yards. If the NFL isn’t look at this guy they should.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Iowa State Cyclones. More often than not the bottom of the SEC is Vanderbilt. In the Big 12 most of the time it’s Iowa State. Many people don’t even know the Cyclones are in the Big 12. They beat two bad teams to start the year and have now lost four straight, including a 38-10 drubbing by Baylor. This week they play Texas A&M in what is probably the two worst teams in the Big 12 going head to head. It is probably both teams only chance for a Big 12 win.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Ohio State Buckeyes. I did not see this coming. In fact if you read “six for Saturday” you’ll know I picked the Spartans to win. After a 45-7 thumping of Michigan State (on the road) OSU looked every bit the #1 preseason team that many people claimed them to be. If the Buckeyes had played like that last year they might have pulled off a National Championship. This week they are playing in what is probably the Big Ten Championship game. If they win they will probably be heading to the Rose Bowl. Surely they couldn’t go to the BCS Championship game, or could they?

Do What Now?

Well maybe he thought... nah. He could've tripped on... nah. I cannot rationalize what I have seen here. There is just no way.

South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia getting shouldered by a zebra brought to you by Every Day Should Be Saturday

Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost: Tainted Legacy Edition

The ghost of Bobby Bowden here, rolling over in my grave because my once great football legacy has been tarnished beyond repair. Two sons who are failures, and the rest of the kids aren’t far behind. At least the football this weekend was worth watching.

Dabo Swinney proved to be a better coach than my good-for-nothing sack of excuses of a son, coaching Clemson to a close loss against Georgia Tech, 21 – 17. Much maligned quarterback Cullen Harper led a rally in the second half with two touchdowns to take the lead at 17 – 14, but the Yellow Jackets were able to answer, and Clemson couldn’t retake the lead. Swinney did all of this without star running back C. J. Spiller. Did you hear that Tommy? He did more with less, you twit. Imagine what he will be able to do once he gets the speedster back.

Texas beat the everloving holy bejesus out of Missouri 56 - 31. And that score makes it look like the game was much closer than it actually ever was. I’d like to take this moment to say, “I fucking called it!” The Bowdenator spent the entire week last week babbling to anyone who would listen that Texas Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp was going to shine in this game, and I was so right. The Longhorns held the Tigers to 3 points in the first half, while scoring touchdowns on their first 5 drives. Chase Daniel could do no right, and the Mizzou offense was stacking up the penalties. Oh, and some kid named Colt McCoy gave an almost flawless performance at quarterback, for what that’s worth.

North Carolina gave up a last second loss in overtime to Virginia. Wait a minute. Didn’t Virginia lose by 28 points to Duke earlier this year? What. The. Fuck. With Maryland, Virginia, Florida State, and NC State so up and down, the ACC makes no goddamn sense this year. I blame Clemson. Either way, the Tar Heels beat Notre Dame the week before, and I’ll pretty much forgive anything when people have given the Irish a loss.

Alabama looked “meh” in a 24 – 20 victory over Ole Miss. The Rebels were playing solid football for the bulk of the game, while Alabama continued their “tradition” of performing great in the first half, and looking forward to joining Sanchez at the Waffle House during the second half. Talk about phoning it in, the Tide gave up 17 points in the second half. To be fair, gigantic Nose Guard Terrence Cody was lost on a suspect play early in the second half, and that had a tremendous impact on the defensive line. The officiating was particularly bad for this game, and not in favor of Bama. Maybe the Tide should divert some funds from buying recruits to buying off the zebras.

40 Lb Box of Rape

The 40 lb box of rape has returned! After never successfully predicting which game would be the most lopsided of the week, we’ve decided to make this a recap of the worst beating that actually occurred the previous weekend. Enjoy the surprise sex synopsis (there’s some alliteration for your Engrish majors).

This week’s convicted sex offenders are the USC Trojans, who hung 69 points on Washington State in a brutal shutout. Dirty Sanchez threw five touchdown passes in the first half, and hung out at the Waffle House down the street during the entire second half. The Cougars gave up an impressive 163 yards on 23 sacks. And the bulk of that was likely against USC’s fourth string defensive unit, two cameramen who just wanted to jump in for a few plays, and six members of the crowd chosen at random, including one guy in a wheelchair. The guy in the wheelchair got one of the sacks. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Washington State is bad. This beating is not really as impressive as the Cougars have allowed 66, 63, and 66 points in their other three conference losses, but I’m willing to ignore that for the sheer joy of typing “69 point shutout”. See? That was fun. Totally worth it.

Six for Saturday

Since Drew took my weekly wrap up, I took his five for Friday, and made it better with six for Saturday! I did reuse the same picture from last week, because at least two of these girls are super hot, and Kirky like lingerie.

Georgia will beat down a Vandy team between the Hedges. Georgia is happy as can be now that several of the unbeaten teams in America have been knocked off. Vandy is reeling from a spirit killing loss to a terrible Mississippi State team. Look for Georgia to try and make a big statement win by slaughtering Vandy while they are still ranked. Georgia’s offense matches up decently with Vanderbilt’s defense and should be able to move the ball on them. Look for A.J. Green to fly around the field. A better matchup is a good Georgia defense against a poor Vandy offense. The “Revenge of the Nerds” kick is over Vandy, welcome back to being the SEC doormat.

Oklahoma avenges loss to Horns and stomps on Jayhawks. Kansas lost to South Florida and had to come back and beat Iowa State in the last minutes of the game. Oklahoma is seeing red after they got beat in the Red River SHOOTOUT! (I won’t be PC and say rivalry). Florida lost a game and beat up an unprepared LSU team, look for the same thing from the Sooners. The Oklahoma defense will limit Reesing, and Bradford will pad his already impressive Heisman resume. Hey, Texas won the game but did anyone notice Bradford had 5 TD throws. I’m just saying.

Alabama has a squeak of a win against Ole Miss. In what should be a good game (sigh) Ole Miss will move the ball through the air and Bama on the ground. John Parker Wilson will look not great and will probably be picked off in the first half. At half time Bama will be down (yes I call that). Look for them to come back in the late 3rd and put the game away in the 4th quarter. A lot of Ole Miss/Bama games come down to the last play. Also did you know Houston Nutt’s offense is called “The Wild Rebel?” At Arkansas he had one called “The Wild Hog” what are the odds?

Michigan State upsets the Buckeyes and gives them 2nd loss. Call me a lunatic if you want (that’s what my shrink calls me) but when the Spartans beat the Buckeyes on Saturday, then who will be laughing Dr. Robert Hollingsworth? I like the Spartans win over a decent Northwestern team, and I think at home they pull an upset. I see a couple turnovers, and even though Beanie Wells has a good day, I think Javon Ringer has a better one. Look for this game to come down to the wire, with Michigan State edging it out late in the 4th quarter. If Ohio State wins I might honestly say that they are a good team again.

LSU punches South Carolina and Spurrier in the face. The Hat got humiliated; he got outplayed, out called, and out gunned. The Hat and his LSU tigers are looking to blow off some steam after a blowout loss to Florida. They will come in South Carolina’s stadium with bruised egos. Look for RB Darrell Scott to have a huge day and run the ball consistently against the Gamecocks. Whether Smelly or Garcia plays, the LSU defense will tighten up and not allow many South Carolina points. Nothing would make me happier then to see LSU get beat, but it ain’t going to happen.

Texas beats Missouri by a single touchdown. You might think the smart money is with Missouri, thinking Texas might have a letdown after their enormous win, but I don’t think so. I think we have another huge offensive struggle on our hands, and the team to have the ball last will probably be the team to win. Daniels and Jeremy Maclin should have success in the air against a bad Texas secondary, but not enough to pull away from Texas who will also score on every drive. The punters for each team should probably bring their Nintendo DSs to the stadium (oh they have them all right) because they will not do much. I like Texas in this shootout.

Week 7 Wrap Up: More Teef!

Each week Kirk traditionally gives out ten awards for various and sundry deeds of valor and pathetic displays of athleticism and sportsmanship. To mix things up, I’ll be giving out the awards this week. Don’t expect too much, and certainly don’t expect anything near the quality that you’ve been getting from Kirk’s writing.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
I’m giving this one up to the baby rhino himself, Tim Tebow. After a upset to Ole Miss, Tebow took a step forward and said that he would play harder and lead better. He has certainly proven to be a man of his word. Tebow led the Gators to a 51 – 21 thwomping of the LSU Tigers with 210 passing yards, 2 passing touchdowns, and one more rushing touchdown to pad the resume. I fear for the rest of Florida’s schedule.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
As much as I hate to do this (I don’t) I’m going with the Missouri Tigers (lots of Tigers in here this week). Chase Daniel’s Heisman stock mirrored the actual stock market and dropped like a rock after their loss to Mike “I’m a man! I’m 40!” Gundy’s Oklahoma State Cowboys. The Cowboys’ defense stepped up in the second half, getting three picks off of the Mizzou QB and putting the kibosh on an offense that seemed to score on every possession.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
I had a nice internal debate this week, and it was over three sets of Tigers. In the end, I couldn’t give it to my Auburn Tigers because of bias and favoritism, and Clemson seems to have been through enough, so we’re going with LSU. I would like to take this time to point out that Les Miles’ idiotic play calling finally caught up with him in a big way. Apparently playing xbox does not count as valid coaching experience. Also, fuck the hat. Seriously, fuck it.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Very few people gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys much of a chance against a Missouri team led by previous Voltron award recipient Chase Daniel. But Mike “I’m a Man! I’m 40!” Gundy’s (I never get tired of writing that) Cowboys took three passes away from Daniel in the second half and put on a performance that Mizzou won’t soon forget. I don’t think that we’ll see Ok. St. in the National Championship game, but Gundy has got this squad moving in the right direction in a big way.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
We’re giving this one to Mountain West powerhouse (giggle) Utah, who destructificated Wyoming 40 – 7. Wyoming’s only score came with 7:47 left in the 4th quarter, and only came about when the Utah defense, in a touching show of sportsmanship, staying in the huddle and gave the Cowboys a freebie into the end zone. The rest of the game was as sad to watch as a domestic dispute in a trailer park.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Hmm… where to go with this. I know, let’s go with my old standby, Tommy Bowden. Poor Tommy has taken a team that by all accounts should be decent to very good, and tanked them with extreme prejudice. Putting his head in his hands and looking Bill Stewart confused during the 4th quarter didn’t help things much either. Now it’s a race between Bowden, Stewart, and possibly Tuberville to see who can get fired before the end of the regular season.
Update: As of 10:45 am this morning, Bowden wins!

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Cullen Harper of the Clemson Tigers gets this site’s namesake award this week. Harper’s 177 passing yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception, and -16 rushing yards don’t do justice to his terrible performance against Wake Forest last Thursday. His 15 completions out of 35 throws, however, does more to shed light on why ‘ol Harpo has been assigned to the pine for Clemson’s next game against Georgia Tech. Hold your head high, young man, as your coach’s career is sinking much faster than your own.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
This one was easy. Sam Bradford of the Oklahoma Sooners looked like a pigskin ninja on Saturday. Who cares if Oklahoma lost? If it weren’t for Bradford’s 387 yards and 5 touchdowns, they never would have been in it in the first place. Bradford went 28 of 39 and did throw 2 interceptions, but he looked every bit a Heisman contender. Chase Daniel may have put himself out of the Heisman race this week, but Bradford put himself at the top of my Heisman list with his gutsy performance against the Longhorns.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Ugh. I hate to do this, but this week’s Blazer Award goes to my beloved Auburn Tigers, after a sad loss to the Arkasas Razorbacks. Auburn truly seek out every way to lose this week. Kodi Burns and Chris Todd combined for a stellar 0 touchdowns and 3 interceptions in a game that saw Auburn limited to less than 60 total yards rushing against the team that gave up 328 rushing yards to Alabama, 183 rushing yards to LA-Monroe, and 157 rushing yards to Western Illinois. At this point, the best strategy for us as Auburn fans is to hold group prayer meetings prior to each game, because things do not look very good right now. That being said, I refuse to give up on my team, so War Damn Eagle!

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Texas. Colt McCoy didn’t get any concussions, and as a result, led the Longhorns to a stunning victory over a very solid Oklahoma squad. After watching this great game, I have to say that the Big 12 is really legit. They don’t have the staunch defenses that are the standard of the SEC, but they have significantly more offensive power through the air. Texas didn’t just squeak by the Sooners, they beat them in a heads up game of cards 45 – 35. Oklahoma scored, Texas answered. Again and again. With former Auburn defensive coordinator Will Muschamp in control of a much improved Texas defense, look for the Longhorns to continue to impress (and they had better, with three ranked teams coming up in the next three weeks).

Six for Friday

After a very busy week for this site’s negligent editor (me), We’re back with Dammit Herring’s picks for the six most interesting games of the week. We have one more pick than usual for two reasons: One, there are a lot of great games this weekend, and Two, This picture had six hot girls in it, and I wanted to run with it. Without any ado whatsoever:

Wake Forest is going to continue the ruination of Tommy Bowden’s coaching legacy. What is it with the Bowden clan these days? Bobby is a shade of his former self, Terry is still a pariah, and Tommy is lobbying for the picture spot in the encyclopedia next to the definition of “wasted potential”. Clemson was supposed to have a good team this year, but so was Auburn, so take that out of your rationale on this one. The Demon Deacons continue to roll through the ACC, and have screwed me every single time I’ve gone against them in the last two years. Hence, I’m going with Wake.
Editors note: I realize this was played last night, but my prediction was written on Wednesday, so just bask in my foresight.

Texas is going to give Alabama a hand in the polls by beating Oklahoma (where the wind blows gently down the plains!). The Longhorn’s Defensive coordinator Will Muschamp is hoping to earn his keep and show why coach Mac Brown hired him away from Auburn last year. If Texas beats Oklahoma, look for Alabama to jump into the #1 spot. Who would have ever thought that in a roundabout way, someone from Auburn would ever help Alabama out in the polls? Sam Bradford and the Sooners offense have been stellar this year, but have not yet been tested by a defense of Texas’ caliber, or by a defensive coordinator as wiley as Muschamp (who is still beloved by this site and the Auburn nation). Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy is playing better every game, and seems to be making solid decisions in clutch situations. Look for McCoy to come out on top in a quarterback duel with Bradford, and look for Texas’ secondary to be the difference maker in this close game.

An undefeated Vanderbilt (Editor’s note: really?!?!) is going to drive Mississippi State on down the road to Sylvester Croome’s eventual firing. Vandy is leading the SEC East (again… total disbelief here) despite being just shy of terrible on both offense and defense. Look for a beaten down Bulldog offense to make several turnovers, and for the Commodores to capitalize on them with serious points like they have done all year. Look for Vanderbilt’s backup quarterback, Tom Brady, to continue his meteoric rise to fame after last week’s incredible showing during the Auburn game.

I hate to say this, but LSU is going to hand Florida another loss in the Swamp. I think Les Miles is intellectually just shy of a ten year old playing NCAA 09 on the xbox when I look at his play calling, and I hate that he is continually rewarded for stupid decisions by getting lucky breaks time and again. Look for a great Tiger defense to stifle the Gators’ running game and forcing quarterback Tim Tebow to throw the ball. Look for Urban Meyer to vomit on the sidelines in disgust as Les Miles calls a successful hail mary touchdown pass to the kicker on 4th and 37 with 3 seconds left on the clock.

Missouri is going loooooooooooooooooong on Oklahoma State. The Tigers haven’t been challenged yet this season, but it should be interesting to see how their 15th ranked rushing defense squares off against the Cowboys’ 2nd ranked rushing offense. Oh yeah, and Missouri has some kind named Daniels at quarterback who can throw the ball pretty good. He was in the running for something called a “Hiseman” last year, whatever that means. Oklahoma State should provide a solid challenge for Missouri, but look for the Tigers to roll over them on their way to losing another far less prestigious game later in the season to ruin their National Championship hopes.

Penn State is going to continue their journey to be college football’s equivalent of “the world’s smartest retard” as Big Ten champion with a victory over Wisconsin. The Nittany Lions come into this game with the Big Ten’s most explosive offensive (must… resist… easy… joke…) and more than a few memories of a sad loss to the Badgers the last time they played at Camp Randall Stadium. Meanwhile, pre-season Big Ten favorite Wisconsin is desperately trying to avoid their first 0 – 3 start since 2000. I have a feeling the Nittany Lions are going to maul zee Badgers. Get it? Maul? Like a Lion mauls things? No? Okay then…

Dumbass Fired

Tony “Dumbass” Franklin was unceremoniously sent packing yesterday as Auburn’s offensive coordinator. Franklin will be survived by basically no one, as he did not bring any of his own staff with him, and will be remembered by the Auburn faithful for making poor play calling decisions and spearheading an offense so bad that calling it “lackluster” would be a compliment.

Franklin came in just prior to Auburn’s bowl game against Clemson last year to bring the spread offense to the plains, and managed to put together a decent showing with veteran quarterback Brandon Cox and the freshman heir apparent, Kodi the Burns. The 2008 season was marked with quarterback controversy between Burns and JuCo transfer Chris Todd, inexplicably poor play calls at crucial moments in the game, and passes that arced like a rainbow and hung in the air longer than most punts.

Franklin apparently didn’t realize that Coach Tommy Tuberville had given him 6 games to get the Tigers up to a national championship caliber spread offense. Given the lack of talent at quarterback and in the receiving corps, and rumored friction between Franklin and long-time Tuberville assistant coaches Hugh Nall and Greg Knox, the dumbass never had a chance. He will be missed for his blubbering press conferences full of self loathing following each poor offensive showing.

Look for Auburn to get a new temporary Offensive Coordinator sometime in the near future, but don’t worry, because we’re still committed to the spread, as all 25 recruits that make up Auburns #4 ranked recruiting class are coming because of the spread offense. It will be interesting to see how a group of assistant coaches who don’t fully know the spread offense are going to implement it for the next 6 games.

Also to watch for, more bitchy bandwagon Auburn fans to complain about how Franklin ruined the Tigers offensively, even though these were the same lemmings who were touting Franklin as the greatest thing since canned chili six months ago. Meanwhile, Tommy Tuberville hasn’t been in a situation this bad since… oh wait… last season. Nevermind. We’ll probably end up renegotiating Tubbs’ contract at the end of another 8 – 4 season this year. Call me when we get a coach who’s second half strategy isn’t nicknamed “The Tubbershell”.

Week 6 Wrap Up

I will be handing out 10 awards after every week of college football. These awards are not “official” NCAA awards, but they do come with fabulous prizes. The prizes mostly consist of Drew doing some kinky things with the head coaches. I try not to ask questions. Anyway, here we go.

“The William Wallace Award” (awarded to player with enough guts to yell as he gets decapitated!):
Chris “Beanie” Wells, RB for the Ohio State Buckeyes. First Beanie gets injured against Youngstown, then Ohio State has to rally late to beat Ohio, and it ended with an embarrassing loss to USC. But things are beginning to look up for the Buckeyes. They had a good win against an undefeated Minnesota team and this week a big win against Wisconsin on the road. That in part was due to the efforts of Wells with 160 rushing yards and a TD. He might single handedly bring this team back from the brink.

“The Big Man, Small Penis Award” (to the team that seemed big, but disappointed in the end):
South Florida Bulls. This might be the hardest award to give this week. There were not many upsets this week. However, the mighty South Florida Bulls couldn’t stop the Pitt Panthers from taking away their undefeated season. The Bulls just couldn’t slow down Pitt RB LeSean McCoy as he dialed up 142 yards and two TDs. There was a moment after South Florida beat Kansas that I thought they might have the best chance at perfection because of the weakness of the Big East, but I was wrong. Welcome back to the BCS conference basement Big East.

“The Fuck You Award” (awarded to the team everyone hates, that lost because everyone hates them):
Nebraska Cornhuskers. By the end of the Mizzou/Cornhusker game Chase Daniels had taken Nebraska’s offense, defense, pride, and general self-respect. New coach Bo Pelini didn’t predict a shutout but he thought they might have a shot at one against Daniels and company. 500 yards and a dozen TDs later, Bo Pelini looks like an idiot, and Nebraska looked like a joke. Pelini apologized to the Nebraska nation after the game, where’s my apology I had to watch twenty minutes of that joke of a game.

“The Do You Believe in Miracles Award” (awarded to a team that pulled the miracle play or upset):
Coffee fumbles deep in Kentucky territory but Bama retains possession. Want to talk about the luckiest play on earth don’t look any farther than the Bama/Kentucky game. Glen Coffee was heading for the end zone when he was grabbed and the ball went flying. Two Kentucky players dove on the ball but miraculously it popped out and went out of bounds. Alabama retained possession and kicked what turned out to be the game winning field goal. It only took three shocks with the paddles to get my heart started again.

“The Goliath Beats David Award” (awarded to the power house team that murdered a shitty team):
Oklahoma drubs Baylor. Step one: Oklahoma plays a weak team. Step two: Oklahoma completely destroys weak team. Step three: Sam Bradford has excellent stats and Oklahoma is called the team of the century. Maybe they are, but they need to do that against Texas to prove it to me.

“The Drawn & Quartered Award” (for the coach that is going to be fired and murdered by his fans):
Tony Franklin, Offensive Coordinator for the Auburn Tigers. Never has this award been more on the point than in Tony Franklin’s case. The crazy Auburn fans want to actually murder him, the moderates just want to tar and feather him. Maybe I’m old fashioned thinking a simple firing might suffice. Auburn’s offense is pretty terrible and seems to be getting worse. In the words of a certain Auburn quarterback, “This is not the Auburn that recruited me.” Tony Franklin admits fault after every game, but Auburn was still winning. He can’t say that this week after a tough loss to Vandy.

“The Will Herring Award” (to the player that strives to lose the game for his team!):
Tom Brandstater, QB for the Fresno State Bulldogs. I thought Brandstater might be a sleeper Heisman pick this year. Instead he threw three interceptions against a terrible Hawaii team and Fresno State (#22) was beat at home in an embarrassing loss.

“The Voltron Award” (to the QB with a rocket arm, and a sword made of energy. Think about it.):
Mark Sanchez, QB for the USC Trojans. Maybe a little overdue to be on this list, but Sanchez really avenged the loss to Oregon State by beating their in-state rivals 44-10. Sanchez three for 332 yards with 3 TDs and 0 INTs. The 63 yard TD pass to Johnson was a thing of beauty.

“The Blazer Award” (finding a way to lose since 1991.):
Texas A&M Aggies. The Aggies lose to Arkansas State at home, they get drilled by Miami, barley beat teams like Army and New Mexico, and finally a 56-28 shelling by the Oklahoma State Cowboys. The Aggies are now the worst team in their Big 12 division. Yep that’s right A&M fans, you are worst then the Baylor Bears.

“Team of the Week” (I hope I don’t have to explain this):
Missouri Tigers. Missouri did not play college football with the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Daniels, Maclin, and Washington didn’t even look like they knew the Nebraska defense was on the field. It was like they were tossing the football around in the backyard. This might not be the best team in the country but they sure as hell have one of the top offenses. Even a defense like LSU, Alabama, and Auburn would give up 30 points to this well oiled machine.

The REAL reason that Kodi Burns isn’t starting!

The staff here at Dammit Herring, meaning me and Kirk, pride ourselves on our hard hitting, investigative reporting, and the witty, insightful copy that we produce for this fine publication. It is with great pleasure that we break the story that Auburn fans and the nation at large have been waiting for, as we answer the question, “Why isn’t Kodi Burns starting?!?!?”

Many hypotheses have been flung about like rocks at an Islamic adulterer convention: Is Kodi the Burninator not starting because he’s black? Is it because he’s too stupid to understand the offense (AKA the “Vince Young” theory)? Or is it something altogether more insidious, such as a campaign of favoritism toward Chris Todd by new offensive coordinator Tony “I’m a dumbass” Franklin?

We have been able to confirm, through much internet Matlockery and by perusing two message boards, that none of the above theories are true. The real reason for the Burninator’s second string status is something much more awesome and terrifying:

Kodi Burns can fucking fly.

I’m not talking about fly in the “damn that guy is fast” sense, but I mean the “holy shit his feet aren’t touching the ground” kind of flying. Reports from Auburn indicate that Kodi has flown all over campus, and has been able to look into seventh story windows of the sorority dorms, because who wouldn’t do that?

The NCAA is in a panic because they hate and fear what they don’t understand, and have issued a super secret probationary ban on Kodi starting at quarterback while they scramble to enact a new “Vertical Out-Of-Bounds” Rule to contain the Burninator’s limitless potential. The proposed rule would have a player ruled out of bounds if his feet go over twelve feet above the field. This rule is bigoted and designed to keep Kodi from achieving his true potential as “King of Awesome”. The NCAA has also ruled that Kodi may not be played for more than three offensive series a game to keep Auburn from having an insanely awesome "flying player" advantage.

When asked for comment, Coach Tommy Tuberville said, “Holy shit, he’s flying. Top that Saban!”

So there is it, folks. Mystery solved. Look for Chris Todd to attempt to pull the spotlight back to himself on Saturday by attempting to hang the ball in the air so long that it looks like it’s flying.

Five for Friday

Welcome to the predictions for the five most interesting games of the week, as decided by this site’s dictator (me). Last week’s picks didn’t work out too well, as damn near everyone in the top ten decided to try and put a prize winning cucumber down their throats and choked. Without any ado, here we go:

Florida is going to vent some post-upset frustration by murdering this year’s Vanderbilt substitute, Arkansas. This game isn’t going to be interesting in that “I wonder who is going to win” kind of way, but moreso in that “I wonder if that guy is dead after that hit” kind of way. The Razorbacks’ defense is somehow ranked 65th overall in the country, and yet every week seems to give up 35+ points. I’m guessing their first two games had something to do with that stat, because Alabama and Texas both rang up numbers like an out of control frat boy’s bar tab. Florida is mad because they lost to Ole Miss, and noone really likes to lose to Houston Nutt. Teams who lose to Ole Miss will now be referenced as having been “Nutted”.

Auburn should destroy Vanderbilt on paper, unless their offense continues to play the way that they have the entire year. Who would have ever thought that ESPN College Gameday would ever be at Vandy? Auburn comes in with a top ten defense, and a bottom twenty offense. The only plus is that Commodores’ offense is actually worse than the Tigers’. That, and Vandy is statistically last in the SEC on both offense and defense. Wait, how in God’s name is Vandy leading the SEC east again?

USC is going to struggle with Oregon like a beaten wife in a bad lifetime movie, but should ultimately win the game. USC is probably coming off of the most embarrassing loss in the past decade, being beaten heads up last week by a midget and Oregon State, while Oregon is hoping to not lose their fifth string quarterback (AKA their backup kicker) to injury like they did with the first four guys. Look for USC to get angry and make stupid mistakes, and then look for Oregon to fail to exploit the holes in the Trojan defense revealed by Oregon State.

Wisconsin is going to expedite Slowhio State’s decline from media darling to pathetic mid-tier Big Ten team. And given how bad the Big Ten is this year, that’s saying something. Meanwhile, the Badgers (Badgers? We don’t need no stinking Badgers!) are looking to recover from last weeks embarrassing, sad, pathetic fourth quarter loss to Michigan *snicker*. And yet, I pick the Badgers to win? That would mean that I’m saying that the Suckeyes are worse than Michigan. Here’s your cookie, good sir.

Duke is going to be rockin in Georgia Tech’s free world. Look at that, first Vandy is regarded as one half of one of the week’s best games, and then Duke gets written about for something other than basketball. I’m on the lookout for the other five signs of the apocalypse to follow soon. The Blue Devils and the Yellow Jackets are fairly evenly matched on both offense and defense, with Georgia Tech having a slight edge in both categories. Fun fact, at 3-1, the Blue Devils currently have more wins than they had in the last three seasons combined. The Yellow Jackets will be mocked (more) mercilessly if they lose this game.