40 Lb Box of Rape

Each week, various media outlets and blogs, including this one, highlight the most exciting games of the week. This is like the opposite of that. 40 lb box of rape is a weekly feature where we pick out the most lopsided game of the week where “surprise sex” is the most likely outcome.

This week’s raping belongs to the Akron Zips, who will be violated by #13 Wisconsin. While not the heaviest spread of the week (that honor belongs to Hawaii, who is a 36 point underdog to Florida), the Zips (what the hell is a “zip” anyway?) are in the running as the Badgers are favored by 26 points. In addition to being outright terrible, Akron has been plagued with injuries and has the misfortune to have their entire secondary being first time starters.

On the other hand, Wisconsin has a solid defense that carries over from last year, and an improved offense that should be able to put more points on the board than they did last year. You can catch this gem tomorrow at noon, provided that any channel in your market is bold enough to carry this pigskin equivalent of a snuff film.

Five for Friday

With the first night of college football, and several delicious irish car bombs, behind us, we look forward to the first Saturday of this season like little kids waiting for Christmas. Last night was Christmas Eve, and we got to open one present. Tomorrow we open them all.

Here are my picks for what I am considering the five most interesting games this weekend:

1. Alabama squeaks by Clemson – Clemson has the hype, but I have a feeling that Alabama is going to get up for this game, their first after a stellar recruiting class last year. Alabama will do their best to contain a strong Clemson backfield, but the game rests solely on the decisions of John Parker Wilson, henceforth referred to as JP Dub. If JP Dub can make smart throws, and the vaunted true freshman can keep their heads on in their first big time game, Alabama will barely take this one away from the Tigers.

2. Tennessee puts a damper on UCLA’s excitement – Rick Whoheisel? As much as I hate to give Fulmer credit for anything except maybe devouring multiple cupcakes in a single bite, it looks like the ugly orange stepchild of the SEC is going to be handing out lollipops and asswhuppins, and will be fresh out of lollipops. Reported friction between Neuheisel and offensive coordinator Norm Chow, and an inexperienced quarterback aren’t going to be helping the Bruins out much either.

3. Missouri makes Illinois point at the doll. “Tell us where the bad Tigers touched you…” I have this feeling that despite Ron Zook’s awesome porno name and the improvements that the Illini have made over the past few years, that the Tigers are going in up to the elbow on this one. Missouri is returning damn near everyone, and like a fine wine, Chase Daniel keeps getting better.

4. Florida will dance like no one’s watching all over Hawaii. This game isn’t going to be interesting because of anticipation over the outcome, as Florida is all but guaranteed a win. This game is going to be interesting because of anticipation of how much they are going to win by. With a Florida a 36.5 point favorite (the highest spread of the week), I’m guessing that they get a comfortable lead, and pull the Baby Rhino out at QB to keep him safe for later, more challenging endeavors.

5. Virginia is shot in the heart, and USC is to blame. What can I say? They give love (and recruiting practices) a bad name. I don’t expect Virginia to win, but I do think they’ll put up a decent fight. With “Dirty” Mark Sanchez back at the helm, but not entirely 100%, the Cavaliers should be able to score one or two TDs before being swept up in the NFL caliber (and pay grade) talent of USC.

How awesome is it that College Football is One Day Away?

Maaaaaaaaaake Oooooooooout!

We are T-Minus 1 day away from Christmas in August! And, like the young ladies in the illustrative photo above, I'm very excited.

And now, I'm proud to present some very uninformed and poorly researched predictions for the opening day games:

• Ball State over Northeastern - mostly because all my friends say that I "like balls", whatever that means.
• UTEP will crush Buffalo - I've seen the Bulls' offensive line in person. I'm a buck fifty wringing wet, and am the same size as some of them.
  
• Central Michigan over Eastern Illinois - Oooooh. Directional schools. I picked CM because "c" comes before "e" in the alphabet. See? Well researched.
• Indiana State will squeek one out over Eastern Michigan - I'm calling an upset in the Sycamores' favor, mostly because I think directional schools are silly.
• Cincinnati over Eastern Kentucky - Sure, Cincy screwed me in the Papajohns.com bowl last year (at least it wasn't the Meineke Car Care Bowl...), but I think they can take care of a directional. See above for additional reasoning.
• Hofstra over Connecticut - Entirely based on the fact that Marques Colston came from Hofstra, and I like him.
• Georgia Tech over Jacksonville State - Not even Ryan Perrilloux can stop the terrifying team whose mascot dies when it attacks something.
  
• Miami(FL) over Charleston Southern - Even with 7 starters out for this first game, Miami should be able to handle a directional disaster. Maybe they should make directional schools only play each other?
• Vandy on top of Miami(OH) - I'm taking the SEC over the nice Miami for no other reason than Miami is located in the same state as the Suckeyes (points for originality?).
• Troy St. over Middle Tennessee - No matter how hard you try, 2nd tier Trojans, you will always be Troy State in my heart. Also, Middle Tennessee is bad.
• Wake Forest will hand a beating to Baylor - when I think about a Baylor Bear, I don't think "ferocious man eater" so much as "Berenstein".
• Iowa State over South Dakota State - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN. That being said, it will probably be more exciting that 3/4 of the Olympics was.
• South Carolina will dismantle NC State - Or maybe they won't. I don't believe that O'Brien can un-Amato the wolfpack quickly enough to best Spurrier.
• Oregon State over Stanford - Mostly because Stanford is saving their upset again for USC, who they will have "right where they want them" on the Cardinals' home turf

Hit the jump for more pictures of girls making out. They're all SFW (Safe For Work) unless your boss/IT guy is of the douchey persuasion.

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Monday Miscellany with Bobby Bowden's Ghost

G'morning everyone. *mumbles incoherently* This is the ghost of Bobby Bowden and a young Filipino Elvis Presley, coming to you from heaven, which bears a striking similarity to Tallahassee, Florida. With college football only 4 days away, memories of my coaching days are dancing like sugarplums in my head, so I thought I would do what I used to do during my final living days, and embody senility.

According to MSN FOX Sports, Tommy Tuberville is ranked #8 on their pre-season coaches list and has "owned 'Bama the last eight years". Aren't we getting a little ahead of ourselves here?

In Tae Kwon Do, a Cuban athlete kicked a referee in the face after being disqualified in a bronze medal match in the Olympics. Much more awesome Tae Kwon Do knockouts here. Bet'cha didn't think 'ol Bobby knew about the karates did'ja? You were wrong.

Randy Shannon has suspended almost everyone for Miami's opener against the fearsome Charleston Southern Buccaneers. In other news that no one cares about, Georgia Southern suspended eight players, including two starters, which I'm assuming is code for "anyone who was willing to play".

In a move that shows how well Tommy Bowden's offseason aggression traing is going, Clemson safety DeAndre McDaniel will only receive enrollment in a program for first time offenders to resolve charges of assault and battery. Cool. If only all of us who covered our girlfriend's heads with a comforter, punched her, and pushed her down a flight of stairs could be so lucky.

The MLP (My Little Pony) Preseason Season Rankings

Eds note: This is the first of hopefully many articles by our new contributor, Kirk. He's a heavily biased Alabama fan, and this may leak through in his writing.

It's the time of year for meaningless preseason Top 25 lists.



When everyone from qualified professionals to lonely homosexuals try to come up with their picks for the Top 25 Division I teams.

Not wanting to be left out, I am throwing my hat into the ring and giving you my unbiased opinion on who I think should be in the Top 25.

I'm not saying that my 25 list is better than the AP or coaches polls but . . .

that's exactly what I'm saying.

Before we start here are three teams that came close to making the list, but just didn't quite make it, sort of like Hilary Clinton:

Hon. Mention: Michigan Wolverines - I don't know how Michigan will fare under Rodriguez's spread offense, but it is Michigan so I give them honorable mention.

Hon. Mention: Alabama Crimson Tide - I'd love to put my beloved Tide in the top 25, but too many questions leaves my boys out of the top 25. Hey Saban, I wanna be on you.

Hon. Mention: Florida State Seminoles - Watch out for Bowden/Fischer Nole's of 08'. They aren't contenders yet but they might play spoiler.

And now . . .

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#25 - Fresno State Bulldogs



Is this the next Hawaii or Boise State, probably not but they have a shot to be. Their offensive cordinator is off to Alabama, but with QB Tom Brandstater returning along with some explosive WRs and RBs, this team might improve on their 9-4 season last year.

#24 - Pittsburgh Panthers



Last year this team's only accomplishment was playing spoiler for West Virginia (well done!), but now they are poised to be the Big East's dark horse team. The defense is excellent, and if LeSean McCoy is as good a running back as Pitt says he is, the Panthers could make a run.

#23 - Penn State Nittany Lions



Does Joe Pa have any good seasons left in him? Frankly I'm suprised he can still find the field at his age. But just because their coach is older than the sport of football, doesn't mean the Lions can't be great. If they want to stay in it they have to be much more productive on offense and maintain their stellar defense.

#22 - Wake Forest Demon Deacons



A lot of people say I'm "in the closet." I don't know what they mean by that, but I definitely a closet Wake fan. Jim Grobe is a very underrated coach, and with Alphonso Smith returning at CB and Aaron Curry at LB the Demon Deacons defense could win them a lot of games.

#21 - Tennessee Volunteers



Call me crazy but I'm not convinced of Tennessee's greatness since they were beat badly by a certain Alabama team (who lets face it was not great). That being said, fat Phillip Fulmer has been succesful at Tennessee and sigh . . . there is no reason to think they will not be good again.

I fucking hate Rocky Top!

#20 - Oregon Ducks



I don't get the Oregon jersey, what is with the tire treads on the shoulders of the jersey? Oregon got a rude awakening when Dennis Dixon went bye-bye and they went from contender to a team that just plain sucked. The offense system is still good though, and Oregon might not be as bad off with Dixon as much as they think.

#19 - South Florida Bulls



When they beat Auburn last year I became a Bulls fan. I might rank Jim Leavitt as a top ten coach, but South Florida's year is on the shoulder's of QB Matt Grothe who is the heart and soul of the Bull's offense. So Grothe goes, so the South Florida season goes.

#18 - Illinois Fighting Illini



Only Ron Zook, in a span of a few years, could go from losing to Mississippi State at Florida to taking a team to the Rose Bowl. Sure they were beat like a red headed step child, but they were there. QB Juice Williams will have to pull double duty, but he will do it behind a strong line that includes returners LT Xavier Fulton and C Ryan McDonald.

#17 - Arizona State Sun Devils



Last year the Devils were pretty good, but looking closer, no they weren't that good. Before you say, "You're crazy they went 10-2," they had a VERY light schedule and lost badly to Oregon, USC, and Texas the good teams they played. A lot of returning talent puts them on the list, but not very high for a 10-2 team.

#16 - Brigham Young Cougars



How often do you get to avenge a loss in the same season, well BYU did by avenging a loss to UCLA by beating them in the Vegas Bowl. I just think that's cool. BYU has a much better chance then Fresno to be a BCS crasher this year, they have better talent and a better coach in Bronco Mendenhall.

#15 - Kansas Jayhawks



If you had told me that a man that weighs 400 pounds would lead a football team at a basketball school to a BCS win I would have punched you right in your stupid face. It would have been okay, I hit like a girl, but Kansas packed a wallop last year and made many ESPN commentators look foolish. It's all up to man-child Mangino and QB Todd Reesing to prove last year was not a fluke.

#14 - Virginia Tech Hokies



I always thought the Hokies had a good defense, and then LSU scored like 50 points on them. Still, that loss aside, the Hokies easily won the ACC and lost a close one to Kansas in the Orange Bowl. A lot of people want to crown Clemson as ACC champ, but I still plump for VA Tech.

#13 - Auburn Tigers



I hate Auburn, I hate Auburn, I HATE AUBURN! but this is supposed to be unbiased. A lot of questions on Tony Franklin's spread offense and a toss-up at QB keeps the Tigers out the top 10, but the defense should be stellar as always and the schedule is favorable to Tubbs and crew.

#12 - Texas Tech Red Raiders



Heisman hopefuls QB Graham Harrell and WR Michael Crabtree will score a gazillion points this year. The question is, can Mike Leach put together enough defense to keep their opponents from scoring a gazillion and 1 points? If they can't Texas Tech will have to settle for the Gator, Cotton, or other second tier bowl again.

#11 - Texas Longhorns



Will Muschamp, the only good thing to come from Auburn joins the ranks of the longhorns. If Texas has lacked something since their 2005 NC, then it has been defense. So Mack Brown went out and got himself one of the best damn defense cords in college football. Muschamp was such a good motivator even I wanted to go play defense for Auburn.

#10 - Clemson Tigers



QB Cullen Harper, RB C.J. Spiller, DE Ricky Sapp these guys alone make Clemson a contender for the ACC crown. What's stoping them? A coach that can't help but lose in Tommy Bowden and an extremly questionable o-line. Good luck Bama!

#9 - Wisconsin Badgers



Every year I think the Badgers are BCS bound and every year they fall just short. Last year Wisconsin won every game they should have and lost every one they shouldn't have. The result: a 9-4 season and mediocre bowl loss. Probable QB Allan Evridge has got to be productive because Wisconsin is returning talent everywhere except at WR.

#8 - LSU Tigers



The reigning champs will not repeat this year, the talent is down and the river boat gambler, Les Miles, can only be lucky for so long. Still the talent is still great and it should be a fun struggle between them and Auburn for the SEC West. Fun for them not for Alabama fans.

#7 - West Virginia Mountaineers



West Virginia had all but bought their tickets to New Orleans to play for a National Title. All they had to do was beat a woeful Pitt. Something funny happened though, they lost. And like that West Virginia's best hope of a NC was gone. QB Pat White must put this team and coach on his shoulders and walk them to the National Title game.

#6 - Missouri Tigers



QB Chase Daniels was very, very good last year and will be again. Missouri was shut out of the BCS party unfairly and took their anger out on an unprepared Arkansas team. They are a great team, but they have to beat Oklahoma before I will rank them over the Sooners.

#5 - Oklahoma Sooners



Bob Stoops is great at winning ball games and bad at winning bowl games. But Oklahoma was great last year with hardly any returning seniors, and this year all that young talent including superb QB Sam Bradford comes back with another year under their belts. Oklahoma should win the Big 12 again and with some luck might be in the National Title game this year.

#4 - Florida Gators



The Gators have lost a lot of talent to injuries, including awesome TE Cornelius Ingram. Shout out to Ingram for coming back when he could have had millions in the draft. I really hope he can recover. Even with the injured players Florida will still be a force to be reckoned with, and it all has to do with the 8th wonder of the world . . . Tim Tebow. I'm pretty sure he can fly and has heat vision. Percy Harvin is pretty cool too.

#3 - USC Trojans



Come on it's freakin USC, we all hate them and their feathered hair coach, but lets face it, USC gets it done. Their third string team is better than half this list's first string team. With QB Mark Sanchez, RB Joe McKnight, and DT Fili Moala and slew of other awesome talented players USC should easily win the PAC-10 and have a shot at the Championship game.

#2 - Georgia Bulldogs



Richt, Stafford, Moreno, Battle, these names and a slew of others make Georgia the second best team in the country. In what will essentially be a NC semi-final game, the winner of Georgia vs. Florida will win the SEC and go to Miami to play for the title. It will be tough though, the Bulldogs have a killer schedule.

#1 - Ohio State Buckeyes



I don't like OSU and I never will. Their fans are annoying and their coach looks like a sex offender. However, they are returning a stellar offense which includes the best RB in the country in Beanie Wells, and a nasty defense which includes phenom LB James Laurinaitis and CB Malcolm Jenkins. Let's face it when USC and OSU play against each other in Week 3, everyone in America including yours truly will be glued to the TV.

Well thats my list. I was as honest and unbiased as a hardcore Alabama Crimson Tide fan could be. I would love any input I could get.

Julio Jones looks like a freshman...

... from the Soviet Union circa 1980.

This tidbit is from an Alabama scrimmage and was sent to me by a kind reader. On the receiving end of that better-than-passable stiff arm is Senior Alabama DB Rashad Johnson. I kind of wish that Auburn had picked this kid up instead of Alabama. I blame Herring for that one.

Who knows if this was a broken play, a planned play, or a fluke? Either way, it's still quite impressive for a young man who the tide has high expectations for.

Lovely Countdown

We are only 9 days away from the first games of this college football season, and only 11 days away from the big guns hitting the field. I'll be spending next Thursday in a bar with beer and hot wings likely watching South Carolina dismantle NC State.

The pictures above are courtesy of a little site that I think everyone should be familiar with and should provide hearty support to, Poon of the SEC. They do a fantastic job of breaking down the barriers of rivalries and hate in the SEC by focusing on the one thing that brings us all together: hot college tail

Finally, if you aren't familiar with Every Day Should Be Saturday's Fulmer Cup, you should be. Orson and his crew dole out points for offseason criminal mischief and hand out the aptly named award to the team with the most points when the season starts.
This years likely winner? The University of Alabama, courtesy of the fine young man pictured below:

Jimmy Johns doesn't care for your laws, or your razors

Jimmy Johns' arrest for possession and distribution of cocaine gave the tide that extra push they needed to do what they've been attempting for years, be the best at something relating to football.

Kill the guy who left Auburn out of the top 25 AP Poll!

Or at least that's what the guy on the message board said. Taylor Zarzour (at right in the above picture), someone who I've never heard of until yesterday, was a Mobile sports talk radio host, is currently a radio host in North Carolina, and is apparently an AP voter who left Auburn, Tennessee, and West Virginia out of the top 25 on his ballot. His argument is, of course, very well supported: "Auburn (new QB, new OC, HARD schedule), West Va (really question their coaching staff), Tennessee (new QB, and Cut left for HC at Duke)". He left out a new defensive coordinator for Auburn as well, but his argument had already been made so convincingly I can see why he wouldn't want to pile it on.

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Now in the pre-season AP Poll, Auburn showed up as number 10, so at least some of the 63 AP voters (what? they couldn't get 65 this year?) decided that Auburn was somewhere in the top 25 teams in the nation. Barring how stupid the whole idea of pre-season rankings are (nuh uh! He-Man would totally own Cobra Commander if they fought on top of the lava from the last Star Wars movie!), it appears that our Tigers are safely ensconced in the fictional top 15 teams for the time being. Apparently some Auburn fans have not taken Mr. Zarzour's opinion lightly, as he went on the Opening Drive this morning and told the hosts that he has received threats against him and his family accompanied by pictures of his house courtesy of google earth, and a few overzealous Auburn fans.

This is impressively stupid. The guy is obviously trolling for attention by leaving three very good teams off of his ballot, while at the same time putting Notre Dame at 25 *giggle*. However flawed his reasoning is, stupidity is not a good enough reason to threaten the guy's family. If it were, I would have to threaten pretty much everyone I know and their families... myself included. Also, as an AP voter, it's not like the guy would have a bias for or against particular teams, is it? Oh wait, his bio listed that he is an "avid fan of the crimson tide" and that his all-time favorite sports moments are "every time Tennessee and Auburn lose a football game". His bio has now been edited to remove all references to his Alabama fandom, but you can find an unedited version here.

So basically he's a Bama fan who votes in the AP poll, and he didn't vote Auburn or Tennessee in the top 25, and this shocks people? Now he is getting a ton of media attention, that I'm sure he didn't count on or want, because he voted differently and a few moron Auburn fans decided that he has committed a foul enough sin to warrant threats of bodily harm. Because his vote totally kept Auburn from being ranked 9th in the "My Little Pony Fake Rankings" list. I can see some Auburn fans being touchy about pre-season rankings because of the 2004 season, but it is what it is, and we are still ranked 10th in the nation at the moment. It makes me a little sad that this guy is going to get the national media attention he wanted and at the same time smear some mud on the faces of the Auburn nation. Stay classy Auburn fans.

USA Today throws Auburn good press coverage

Rodgeriqus Smith will catch everything you throw at him

Yesterday, USA Today ran an article about the Tigers titled "Auburn is going on the offensive with switch to spread" which is a nice piece covering the change to the spread offense and giving a very brief overview by Tubbs of Auburn's offensive shortcomings last year.

I'm happy to see some positive pre-season national coverage that doesn't include a tremendous amount of sensationalism or polarizing commentary. This kind of publicity can only help our cause if the Tigers *hope against hope with fingers crossed* manage to get themselves into the National Championship picture.

And now to recap current events in Auburn football, and elsewhere, and their causes:

• Deron Furr leaving Auburn = Herring's fault
• Two fights during pre-season practices = totally Herring's fault
• Fat Tire not being sold in the state of Alabama = most definitely Herring's fault
• Tuberville's waffling during contract negotiations last year = knock knock. who's there? Herring
• High gas prices over the last 3 years = Herring, OPEC coming a close second, the weak US dollar a distant third
• This blog sucking a golfball through a garden hose = this one's all on Drew
  

The Legend of Dammit Herring

Every so often, a player comes along who inspires a generation and leaves those who view him in action forever changed. Will Herring was not one of these players.

Herring was, however, a better than average safety who converted to OLB in his senior year at Auburn. He redshirted during his 2002 freshman season, and became a constant presence on the defense in 2003, starting his last 36 games in a row until graduating in 2006 (though I swear it feels like he was there for the better part of a decade). You can view his college player bio here.

At one of the early games in the 2003 season, Herring blew a tackle on an opponent's halfback, leading me to cry to the heavens, "DAMMIT HERRING!". This became a battle cry of sorts for when anything went wrong for Auburn, on defense or offense, and eventually extended to offseason team problems, recruiting issues, other sports at Auburn, and Alabama blue laws keeping us from our sweet beer on Sundays. We tried using "Dammit Wilhite!" in honor of CB Jonathan Wilhite blowing a coverage during the 06 season, after Herring graduated, but it didn't have the same ring to it, so here we are today.

Will is doing alright by himself these days, lest ye feel pity for the undeserving blame being heaped upon him. He was drafted in the 5th round of the 2007 NFL draft by the Seattle Seahawks, played in 12 games that season, primarily on special teams, and even saw time in the OLB position during the season finale against the Falcons. Congratulations Will. Keep on representing Auburn in the NFL, and best of luck to you.


Photo credit: AP photo by Tony Gutierrez